Username: E_magine
Story Title (&link): The Mediator
Main Characters (+pairings): 2PM, Jay Park and OC (Kwan Soomin)
Genre(s): Fantasy, Romance, Supernatural, Alternate universe
Current Length (No. of Chapters): 21; indefinite hiatus.
Rated?: Yes.
Reviewer: KissDromedaGirl
 

_______________ ✦일부분 일; part one; the beginning. ✦_______________

Title;  5/5

The Mediator, from the very first glance, makes me actually think this is about a mediator, some battle, and anything relating in that area. How could it not, you know? So, it does make me curious. Which, for me, curiosity at the beginning is key.

And the title is oh so very true to the story. It bases around the Mediator, this is for her, this is about her, as well the other, but, you know.. haha. So, good job with that!

Poster/Background;  4.5/5

I actually like the poster, the only problem is the different colors. I don’t know why, but to me.. the colors throw me off. The three colors on the right (which are obviously different) look the same, while the ones on the left are yellow, green and red, with a yellow-ish hue as the girl. It just.. throws me off balance, and no offense to the creator, I just think a different tone and range of colors would go. But I do like it, to be quite honest. I love how it’s a movie poster type theme and I think it goes really well with the story itself.

Description & Foreword;  7/10

Description: I love supernatural and it’s hard not to be biased about it, but I will try anyways.
The first thing I notice here is ‘Chimeras’, which I, being the supernatural lover I am, know about, others may not. But even though others may not know (and head on to Google, which nooo people, no; just go read the prologue, hint cough) I like how it makes you question ‘what are those?’, and whatnot. And in the description, it gives insight as to who the Mediator is, and of course, how she will be the main focus.

Foreword: It gives insight into the story; a glimpse, which is always good for me. It actually made me giggle because  it is, in fact, a bit cliché at one certain point (and no, it’s not bad, I’ve just seen it before~)

“Oh I believe at least one of you has met her.” They mentally cleared their ears to make sure they’d heard him right.

“Wait, her?!”

I just had to giggle at it. But I still like the snippet of the story. The only reason I deducted three or so points was because it is fantasy/supernatural, and so on, and I’d like to have seen either more in the foreword, or more in the description. Not sure exactly what; maybe something that draws me in further?

_______________ ✦두 번째 부분; the second part; the seam.✦_______________

Creativity/Originality;  4/5

I haven’t read about Chimeras, I don’t think. And I like the idea of the secret society, organization, all that jazz. It draws me in, of course. And I like the characters, though some can change a bit. And I just.. like what you’ve did with your story!

And some things that each person was revealing in the story or feeling – it made it feel like reality, something someone could relate to. With stories like that.. they make me smile! :)

Plot;  18/20

In the prologue, you get the basic gist of the story. Which is good. You also explain more about the Chimera, the teams, the society that battles it and whatnot. Which is all good. And I giggled at your author’s note, honestly. It isn’t crappy. *read extra and notes for more comments on that^^*

But.. cults. Chimeras. A secret society. Head strong characters. A fearless twenty-two year old. Questions.

I do enjoy the plot, because it’s the type of stories I’m drawn to. And I love the bit where it talks about hwo the people have their powers (mainly the girls, yo), and how Soomin is intrigued by it. Because, heck, I would be, too!

And lame jokes. Love ‘em.

My main thing I like in this story is the character interactions. Everything else, I love, too, but I love how the characters interact (especially at first). I’ve seen others comment on stories that have the first greeting like Hell (and they hate them) and then the ones where the characters become sweet to each other at first (and they hate those). Honestly, I love how they try outdoing each other and can’t stand each other in the beginning.

The only thing I want to add is during this, I think from the time Jay informed her about being possessed, how 2PM treated him and so on.. from then until she is almost possessed seems a bit rushed. But then again, I couldn’t think of any space filler ideas that could go there. I’m stuck on what to think. >~<

Spelling, Vocab, and Grammar;   10/15

First chapters are usually bases for me. That sense being that they show me right off how grammar, spelling, the format, and etc. will go throughout the story. Even thoug I know there is lots and lots of room for improvement of everyone. And with this, I’m not saying it is bad! Gosh, no. Haha. I’m just saying I have comments about that.

In the first chapter, “Step One”, I saw a lot of dialogue. I’ve seen reviewers comment on this, as have I, and it really does get to you after some time. There’s either too much dialogue, or too many details that leave someone in a daze. It’s hard to find an inbetween, trust me. And here, actually, all the dialogue does get to me. Try adding more details? If possible, you know. Haha.

For example:

“Do you know why you’re here?” They all glanced at each other. They all honestly had no idea. One or two had opinions and the general thoughts of why, but other that that, they were blank. And before they could utter a single sound in response, the man revealed a piece of paper, dropping it on the desk. The six of them jumped at the noise in unison. Tingles of fear ran up their spines and made their hair stand up on the backs of their necks. What was that? Was it bad?

“Hyung,” the youngest began with not much respect, “w-what is that?” Although having respect was required, the youngest was too nervous and worried that that small slip was some bad news. And Senior Park ignored his lack of honorifics, though other might not have; one nudging him in the side.

^ That’s not good, I’m sorry. But do you get my gist? How details always make things better (just don’t overdo, which I might have.) But having too much dialogue can make a reader skip or questions what’s actually going on around them. Wouldn’t you like to know as well? How were each of them feeling? What was the atmosphere like? Were one of theme questioning things or judging the room instead of the paper?

In “Step One”, this is an ordeal taking place, right? They ranked last, and their Senior is highly disappointed, so add in their feelings, the Senior’s overall feelings; if the room was tense, if there was no noise, if one began sweating or feeling down on themselves. Add it, girl!

And of course, I must show you other things you can do~!

Example:

“We’ve decided that we’re going to find you a new mediator.” One of them gasped before all six looked at each other. A new mediator? Now? Was it just because they were down on skills? Ranked last? A couple of them looked to the floor, curious, whereas the others continued looking at each other, sending questioning glances.

“A new mediator?” his face changed from shock to anger [try putting more detail here as well. Changing from shock to anger is a big thing, afterall. It can be described more accurately and help readers understand what’s going on in .. whomever’s head.], “we don’t need one.”

Note up there in that bit, you went from Taecyeon speaking to the Senior, to it saying ‘him’, but right after.. Senior Park addressed Chansung as saying it. So, change the ‘him’ to Chansung or.. something more informative? It got me confused at first. Also, you switch from Senior Park to Mentor Park. My suggestion is just.. staying with one of the two and not changing. ^^ Unless.. are they different people? o-o I’m lost there..

In the second half of the chapter, details got better! So kudos.

In “Step One”, try putting “It’s fine, thank you, Senior Park.” ‘It’s’, not ‘its’. ‘It’s’ is the form of ‘it is’, whilst ‘its’ is possessive. And commas always help, especially when thanking and addressing someone all in one sentence.

- - - - -

Chapter three earns praise from me because: more detail! Angst and drama! Yay!

                And from there on.. I adore the writing, okay. <3

Overall, spelling, vocab, and grammar check out okay. Although you need more details, for one (only in places, though; it dramatically improved.) And you need to remember that you have a bunch of guys here, so addressing them different ways is okay [ex. The youngest, the one who --, the leader, etc.] But try not to confuse readers. That’s always a problem with having so many characters in one fanfic. Otherwise, I do enjoy your selection of words. It’s always good seeing someone use more than the basic grammar and vocab selections, you know?

Characterization;   13.5/15

So many characters! I have love/hate things for these types of fics, but as long as the personas are kept separate and you can identify them easily, I’m all good~

I’m going to note, too, that right off the bat, you notice Taecyeon a lot more than any others of the group, as well as Senior Park. But Senior Parks slides. In the second chapter, Wooyoung and Nichkhun appear more, which is good.

Taecyeon appears to me as a hard-headed, leader-like type (which he is. Thank goodness). One I can like, too. But he speaks over everyone a lot. Which can cast many, many shadows on the other guys; get my drift?

Let’s get on to our wonderful (and main character), Kwan Soomin. At the first insight of who this girl was, I did like her. But from the first few paragraphs, I noted how she isn’t really scared of things, is she? She reminds me of Taecyeon. In many ways. But good gracious girl, I don’t care if you were just saved from a Chimera, why would you go with a stranger? I don’t care if you felt something in your hand! /flails

Sorry about that. Haha.. I just.. see that happen a lot, and it’s nothing towards you, I just.. if it were me (and I try always, always putting myself in the characters shoes to understand them; I wouldn’t go off with some stranger at first, even with what just happened.) Brave girl, you’ve created. Kudos!

But back to the guys. I do like their interactions, who they are, and everything. Just.. sometimes they blend together, but that’s okay. When you’ve been friends for so long (especially characters with long histories and so on), they become a like. So blame things like that.. on that. Because it’s like real life, no?

_______________ ✦일부분 삼; part three; the little things. ✦_______________

Chapter Titles;  4/5

I liked the chapter titles. They fit in places.

Flow;  6/10

At points, it went too fast. I mentioned it in the Plot section above as well. Though this is usually a hard thing for writers – the flow, how to position chapters and what to put in here and there. So, I understand. But at points, it seemed to just.. go too fast and I wish things would have been switched, letting us see other things.

Writing Style (format + your style);  7/10

Prologue: I really didn’t enjoy the format here. Although it is the style I would have used in the past, I just.. have come acoustomed to not liking it much.

The format overall was good. It wasn’t too bold, too simple;  just right, I think. The only thing that got me was the ** that were meant to separate areas. I didn’t like those too well.. maybe center them or something?

But I llike your own style of writing. It’s easy to understand and read, and even if it’s a bit too hard to read, or too much dialogue or even too fast paced, I think you did quite well! I promise you that. :)

Extra & Notes; (+10)

So in the prologue, I saw your author’s note and I get that. As do many authors, but don’t worry about how you think it is y, and no need to comment on it. Readers will love anything! I’ve got a friend who always doubts herself on these types of things and she’s a really good writer! So, same for you! Don’t criticize yourself right off the bat, dear. And hey, tip for you: write down your plots, ideas, and even scenes you may want to happen somewhere in the story. It helps writers block, helps you get on your writing feet and it’ll be easier! ^-^

Total Score; ♡

89! - A

>> Reviewer Note; ♡

Congrats on a good score from me! Oh gosh.. that sounds weird. But still. I've said it somewhere in my reviews before how I usually never give too high of points, and trust me, the story was actually worth it, just a few minor kinks that actually need adjusting.. sorry! >~< But otherwise, try gaining some encouragement, get your in gear, and finish the story! I'm always here for tips and help if you need them! ^-^ Have a good day~