Username: pretty-in-key

Story Title (&link): When Lust Takes Over

Main Characters (+pairings): Kris, Kai, OCs [Yejin, Jinah

Genre(s): Angst,

Current Length (No. of Chapters): 7

Rated?: Yes ; involved

Reviewer: KissDromedaGirl

_______________ ✦일부분 일; part one; the beginning. ✦_______________

Title;  4.5/5

    It strikes me as a Rated M story just from the title, which is probably what you're going for. And it's very to the point, so we can assume that someone or more than one person has an issue with lust and it taking over, obviously.
 

Poster/Background;  1.5/5

    I like the pictures for the poster, just not the entire overall thing. I think the background throws off the entire vibe and even the title is clashed against the different tones of the characters - I'm guessing the girls tones were trying to be matched since they're moreso black and white (maybe even a hint of sepia, but I don't know what that's called...) and then the boys are normal. I just... ugh. I hate trying to judge anything graphic, but the whole poster throws me off only because things clash.

Description & Foreword;  8/10

    "One night took away her life, One year to make it go away, It took a year to get away from what he had done, How will he explain to the one he loves that, Lust Had Taken Over..."

    Okay. So, for the first two sentences, there are two options: make it separate sentences or use a semi-colon. Either would be totally fine in this case. But, you can't just use commas throughout - it makes it a run-on and very irritating to those who are like me. So, change the first sentence's ending to one or the other. Next, you do the same for the second sentence. I'd actually rather you put a semi-colon in between the first and second sentence, because it helps add a sort of... structure to the second sentence since it's a fragment.

    The third sentence should end in a period, too. The fourth... add either "..." or ":" - and by that I mean you should try to think about both of those, but I'm thinking you should go for the second option of a colon. It'd make it look like this:

    "How will he explain to the one he loves that: [insert example here.]" Which the example is the whole "Lust had taken over..." thing exceeeept... don't capitalize every word, please. Unless it's a title, don't capitalize.

    Overall, aside from some grammar and arrangement issues, I did like the overall idea you shot at us. We see that from one of two girls, the life was taken away by some guy who did something bad - presummably or something awful, but then again I'm guessing it's not that bad, unless I'm getting the wrong idea from lack of warnings or triggers.

    The Foreword is just a note from you and a credit mark, so no comment on that.

_______________ ✦두 번째 부분; the second part; the seam.✦_______________

Creativity/Originality;  3.5/5

    I'm a fan of anything psychological, and you should tag this as that, too, because can be a psychological thing. And it's something you don't see with fics in general, but it isn't her that is overplayed - we see Yejin's love life blossom. So, that's the focus. But having both stories tie in and whatnot, it's different.
 

Plot;  11/20

    I like the overall idea because I never see this. You have one girl who loves dance and instantly has a thing for her dance teacher and already something bubbles up there, but I feel like it has more of a base. With Jinah and Kris, I don't feel anything between them. Of course when I first read her confession on being , I had a few worries; was this going to be a good portrayal, was this going to be rushed, how was Jinah's character going to be, and so on. And... I'm a bit disappointed. I feel like even though we see Yejin getting riled up with Kai, you could take it slower with Kris and Jinah. I know each story is different, but even a therapist would know that she might be sensitive or even scared of men, but then again the way Jinah portrays herself and the story with her... she knows she doesn't deserve what happened and she still gets so scared and has moments, but couldn't she be a bit reluctant with Kris? Or him with her? And I hate to throw the "you need to research " card, because you have that down, but I think the whole psychological bit is so messy... If she is so open to telling this to a guy, and this guy is willing to start loving up on her, and then the two of them aren't so close but yet kiss and know each other well enough-- she just shouldn't be talking so openly, especially with her trauma still surfacing so bad. Even with her overall aura and demeanor of things, she just seems like she'd start to then try to avoid it on all costs because of the tortment it brings to her...

    Aside from that though, I love the idea and you do really well with it. However, I think Jinah's side of the story does need more development and a good, cemented ground for it, and maybe add some twists for Yejin so we don't expect everything?

Spelling, Vocab, and Grammar;   10/15

    Just a few tiny places I caught some grammar nicks; your needing to be you're, ok should be spelled out OK or okay; things like that, mostly. Also, you needed some commas or separation in some places. I'll give you an example below. 

[chap. 1, para 6.] "I know, I mean classes start in a couple of hours so I can you know go see if  Ican make an appointment or something" she had visibly...
FIX: "I know, I mean [insert a comma or a break/dash here.] classes start in a couple of hours so I can, you know, go see if I can make an appointment or something..."

|| I'd rather trail this sentence off than just end it, because I think it'd fit more. But there you can end it, trail off, or just add a comma and type out her saying it. The reason I'd rather not put just a comma is because it makes the entire thing look to darn long. From the sentence to the description of her demeanor afterwards. So, trailing off is my choice.

[para 7] Yejin nodded understanding, she looked up at the clock 3 am.

FIX: Yejin nodded understandingly,  [or add a comma after nodded, then after "understanding"] looking up at the clock that shown it was 3 AM/A.M. (cough you do this later on so, uhm...)

|| What's in italics is my change in wording, but I also reworded the last bit of the sentence instead of it just showing "she looked up at the clock 3 am" because that really doesn't make sense, and I feel it'd be better worded with her looking at it and it shows the time or she reads it. Whichever you'd like to put.

    Other than the two examples, those are what I see mainly throughout the work. Some grammar issues and few typos, which is great! I link maybe rewording a bit would help out on not only the grammar part, but just the overall flow of how the paragraph or dialogue goes.
 

Characterization;   10/15

    I love the fact that Yejin and Jinah have two visibly different personalities! It's hard for some fanfic writers to display two girl leads with different personas, but not contradicting ones. Yejin and Jinah are friends, share mutual interests, but they aren't a copy - you showed that quite well and I'm proud! Out of the two, I probably like Yejin better since I relate more, but that's another thing on my list of likes; a character I can relate to.

    Kris... he confuses me, honestly. He seems so gentle, but blunt, yet caring and sweet, then fake at times. So confused.

    Kai... Kai seems like a bold, demanding, yet charming guy. He's not as bad as Kris, in the sense of character display.

    The side characters so far... I'd like to see more. I feel like Chanyeol would play a bigger part with Jinah, and Tao gets mentioned, so seeing him more would be nice, too. But especially for Chanyeol, since in the beginning he gave me a more friendly and interesting vibe than even Kris did.

_______________ ✦일부분 삼; part three; the little things. ✦_______________

Chapter Titles;  4/5

    Simple titles, though I did like how on Chapter 5 you labeled it "Jinah". Maybe you could do that with each chapter - each one going back and forth between the girls? But then again... that could be messy. So, I don't know, but I did have a sudden moment of "maybe that'd be cool." Also, I think as of now maybe you should take the "Question" chapter off, and maybe title Bonus Chapter as Chapter 4, Part 2 or something.

Flow;  6/10

 Okay, so the story idea in general is good - how you put it all together is a bit messy since you leave out details and then throw things in there (and I mean in a way you get confused). Like for the rain in the first chapter... it was just chilly outside when Yejin was there, but Jinah casually brings it up in the convo and Yejin just acts as if it was the norm - I was a bit confused since I'd rather have that tiny element introduced like "Oh, and since it started raining I was more inconvenienced to go get the dumb cardigan", you know? Instead, that casual thing just... I don't know... bugged me in a way? Even with other elements it went this way, too, so I'm not just nit-picking one thing.

    And just the overall feel was rushed- Though you added in details between some scenes, you kind of pushed us ahead in the parts that didn't have to be pushed and then slowed down. That is a thing that writers end up focusing on and then saying it's boring. It's how I am. So, I think maybe focusing more on your points that help the plot or even the general story line or characters is what to do. If it's something not necessary for the story, or it's something you get bored with or feel might not be worth adding... don't add it. Simple. Or if you get stuck somewhere, go chat with a friend or write around a bit with the idea. You have a problem that I have as well - trying to build up to scenes. The first chapter was more messy than the second, and that's how I noticed overall. You do excellent when it comes to the more intense or more dialogued and moving scenes. For the second chapter, compared to the first, it went way faster since it moved along easily, no bumps in the way. So, you can get the idea of my advice right here mainly: focus on the scenes you want and build around them. Easier said than done, I know.

   In the end, you did very well overall, but it's mainly the first chapter that's sloppy. It's the intro chapter and you're trying to introduce too many people and too many scenes over a course of time and... whoa. Maybe edit and add more detail to it or something so some won't get confused or even bored, like I did halfway through it. The speed really picks up at a good rate after that chapter, but it throws me off because it's just... a piece of work compared to the rest.

Writing Style (format + your style);  8/10

    The first thing I want to address is the first chapter and how after Jinah is told to go back to sleep, it states that that following part is in her POV. Wrong. Unless you write it from her 1st POV, it's really not in her perspective, even though I get what you mean by it being in her POV. We're following her mainly and get a bit of her fellings and thoughts in it, but it nags at me because... it's not her POV, just a 3rd person POV that follows mainly her. And for the time, you don't necessarily have to put the time up there, unless you follow that throughout. You can casually list the time in the beginning of the upcoming paragraph or whatever. And you follow the POV throughout the story, which I understand it... but it's still annoying.

    Your style was very nice though. You have some errors and things that could be fixed, but the way you portray each girl separately and then mix in so many others... I'm happy! And I was a bit shocked with the because usually it's not as detailed, and though you lacked on parts and this reminded me of the usual roaming around, I still enjoyed it moreso because of the emotions and normal feelings felt! I'm so happy because you did so well! And I applaud you because at moments, I felt the emotions of one of the girls. If you can do that, then I love you.

Extra & Notes; (+10)

    You, my dear, have me hooked so far because not only am I interested to see how Jinah turns out, but I want to know how Yejin ends up with Kai, and if he really wants her or if she's a piece of - you never know. And I am hoping to see you blossom more as a writer because I saw throughout this piece of work that you did! You really changed throughout the writing and I felt it! Cheers to you~!

Total Score; ♡

76.5

>> Reviewer Note; ♡

Really happy to have read this and I hope there's more! Plus, since I was bored and liked the idea, I'm making a sort of "fanedit" type thing that you totally don't even have to look at. But I'll still post it when I'm done. ^^; Keep writing~