Bloodline

by cubierock11

STORY LINK

 

Title:

The title is interesting. Though, I have seen similar titles, so I wasn’t as drawn into clicking it to read it as I would’ve liked. As an average reader, I maybe (50/50%) chance would’ve clicked on it. I’m glad I did though. ^^

 

Poster:

The poster is amazing! I love it! Definitely capturing the story line and everything! I adore it~

 

Description:

It’s short. It has me semi-interested. If you gave a little more detail or a cliffhanger, then it’d be better.

 

Foreword:

*no actually foreword-go to characterization, please*

 

Characterization:

You described who each person was an how they act, but no real image of the characters was given. I expect an image I my head.

Though, progressing through the story, you gave details about their appearances. That helped some.

 

Format:

Kept normal, as I like. Bolded when need be; as with italics.

It was easy to read and no read formatting problems there.

 

Flow/Detail:

The flow of the story was great! Though I became confused throughout it a lot! In the chapters, when she talks about ‘he’ or ‘him’ in these [flashbacks, dreams, or whatever they are supposed to be], you listed it right after you had a scene. It was a hard thing to understand and left me utterly confused to the point I had to sit there and think about the paragraph again and again.

 

[ex. Chapter 4]

 

“What?” Taira questioned with a puzzled face. “You want the treat now?” Because I just stood there, senseless, he persisted to remark, “Ha, you should have said so earlier. You’re lucky I didn’t use it on myself yet.” I shuddered as he pulled something from his pocket. “You funny girl,” he snickered. “It’s just a band-aid. A Snoopy one too. Cute right?”

I watched him rip open the packaging of the band-aid, place it on the cut on me, and . . .

 

-“Wrap her up like you would for a present,” he instructs. I am handed a long roll of red ribbon, and at first, I think we are actually celebrating Christmas. Instead, he points to a sleeping figure, a Sleeping Beauty. That is exactly what he calls her, his Sleeping Beauty. “Go on,” he prompts. “There’s no time to spare.”

I listen and wrap the ribbon around, around, and around her bony figure. I try not to look at her cuts, and gashes running across her body like street lines, except painted red. “Is this to help her recover?” I wonder aloud.

He laughs and exhales a rounded puff of cold air. “Yes, yes, this is to help her live a better life,” he whispered, “next time. Now, knot the piece.” I obey without questioning, but still decide to make a bowtie. “That’s cute,” he says and pats my head.-

I felt some pressure on my head as if I were being pushed down to drown. I blinked a few times and even breathed deeper than ever. “Oh, you’re awake,” I heard a pleasant voice waking me. “You’ve slept past noon.”

The parts I have ‘-‘ by is the part you have your {whatever you call it}. To me, it’s like you added in a random scene. If it is outside the scene, then possibly use it in an italic font, just so the reader understands.

 

Creativity/Plot/Originality:

This is the first fic I’ve read like this. Particularly the first one of this genre I have read on AFF.

I enjoy your plot more than anything and your ideas for the story. It is interesting, exciting, and surely captures me!

As for your creativity and originality, no bad judgment here! I definitely will recommend this to people because it is a good read and enjoyable! The characters are well written and I like what role they play~

 

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary:

E-x-c-e-l-l-e-n-t! This is a rare find with your writing style. I was extremely impressed and shocked on how professional it looked! Ke ke~ Though, the average reader may not understand some of your –big- words fully, as I even had trouble on a few. You could switch them out for a more common synonym just to be on the same side. Also, you added some terms I wasn’t familiar with, so please make sure to use the foreign terms with English translations somewhere in the story.

 

Overall:

 

Additional Comments:I loved this story~ I enjoy it too much, I think! Ke ke~ I will keep reading as you keep updating. Also, hope you don’t get mad at my review~ I left off the scoring, as asked. Good job~!

^^

 

Reviewer: KissDromedaGirl