Username: snowflake16

Story Title (&link): Cheque Mate

Main Characters (+pairings): Jun Hyung (B2ST), Kyung Soo (EXO), Chunji (Teen Top), BoA (SPICA)

Featuring: -----

Genre(s): Horror, mystery, psychological, thriller

Current Length (No. of Chapters): Oneshot

Rated?: No, warning of grotesque-like parts, but not too bad.

Reviewer: KissDromedaGirl

_______________ ✦일부분 일; part one; the beginning. ✦_______________

Title;  5/5

 "Cheque" - a British English word for what is equal to American English's word for check, a bank doc - seemed so interesting, and also a different way to portray "check mate". I was highly intrigued to grab this story and read first. I'm a for these types, and I'm sure this title has a significant reasoning behind "cheque" - readers will like the odd twist.  Unless they're British. 

    Also, Cheque Mate or just in general the idea of Check Mate, is a term that a player uses once they capture the King or are in place to, during chess. In real life, it's like that and to me, a psychological thing, which fits perfectly with the theme of this story. And how the characters used it throughout... it was great.

Poster/Background;  5/5

    The brilliance of the face which is actually a mask  breaking away, the title and not only its unique twist on the font, the quote, the overall poster-- I love it. Obviously. And for this specific type of story, to see the face breaking away and the added darkened quote from that amazing man... it's brilliant. And though I feel only the enthusiasts of the genres you'll be delving into will appreciate all the deep detail, but anyone can feel the sense of difference and mystery to this. The backgorund is so dark and fits, too. Bravo!

    Philosophy time! The mask reminds me of how all the characters aren't what they seem and are hiding their insanity with sanity and the truth they can't reveal. It's amazing and perf--

Description & Foreword;  9/10

   "Wilde Entertainment closes mysteriously. Ex-trainees suddenly begin suffering from hysteria. No one knows the cause of this epidemic. Then one by one they start to die." Ohmy. I screamed internally at how captivating and just overall freaking cool this idea sounds. And from there, to me, I'm set up with two emotions: excitement and worry. When there are good-sounding stories about to be told, I always put up the worry warning that this will end in a bad fashion, compared to the amazingness of the description given. But from the first four lines of this... even on the form... I was at a loss of sense and knew I'd get to read this first out of any other reviewer at my shop. I pushed off everything to delve into this world. 

    The description ends with general questions, which is good. The overall flow of it is good, too, because it tells you the main idea of who we'll be following and what. 

FOREWORD:

    I love the format for the title, genre, and characters- it fits the theme. 

    And then you throw in a Prologue?!

    My only problem regarding the Prologue is the formatting. The more than double-spaced lines are annoying. By far. If it was shorter, than maybe it could have that much spacing, but this... no, no. Plus, the only spacing with that much distance could be applied to the last two lines where the bloody font is displayed. Then either use those aterisks or make a line to separate from the succeeding stuff- written by, posters, thanks to, etc. 

______________ ✦두 번째 부분; the second part; the seam.✦______________

Creativity/Originality;  5/5

    Mysteries are always fun to play with. So are idols when it comes to casting just the right characters for the roles. And with each role came a great performance and imagery for them all. I was infatuated by the line-up and how the story turned out. I couldn't get enough of it at first and then had to stop because when I get on a hype for a story... it doesn't go away. 
    Your turn of events and open ended ending was phenomenal. I haven't seen that done in so long! And the back and forth twist of "who is the killer" between the characters was fun. I literally had no clue, even though I suspected Kyungsoo, thanks to Jun Hyung's paranoia; I suspected Boa at a point since she was always there but not there at the same time, you know? I never suspected Jun Hyung. I empathized, which is a fun thing to play with on characters. You did that well and gave us not only one, but a multitude of characters to see and understand. 
    The plot was different, too. First I've seen. And the players of this game was a mix of good, evil, twisted, amazing, odd, creepy, and lovely. 

Plot;  20/20

     I am adding this to the plot part, as it is a thematic thing. Cheque Mate, a mask unravelling, and a puzzle we get to solve. I didn't get the sense of the "chess game" I assumed would show up being played until... a quarter of the way through? You mentioned rooks, then finally when I got to the part of "He was unable to move any piece other than a pawn. The game was stuffy." I knew then that this either needed more of a game-like description throughout or... I don't know. I love the entire plot, honestly. And being paired with a dark quote, to a dark game, in this dark story... it's amazing! But the subplots and little things you add to make this plot and story go need to be sewn together well to make it all add up and make the reader be left in awe. 
    KYUNG SOO WAS THE BISHOP BUT WHO WERE THE OTHERS?! I had to put that because I'm a fan now. And I'm assuming each character should have a role in the game, but ideally my mindset (as a reader) is that Jun Hyung, though a protagonist and main player was actually a pawn because he was played with too much. 

Spelling, Vocab, and Grammar;   15/15

    First off, "blood letter" sounds more like a bloody letter left on the wall, like featured in Pretty Little Liars as 'A' in blood - so, maybe say... "blood phrase" or something similar. Because although it is correct, it sounds like a simple letter being displayed in blood, not an actual letter to someone.

    Then we have the somewhat annoying little bit that I see a lot in oneshots, and novellas, etc., and it's normal, but I'm pointing it out anyways. During the scene with Chunji and our lovely Jun Hyung, Chunji speaks to him, saying to call him by his stage name... and since you were going back and forth with dialogue at every para-break, the next sentence seems like Jun Hyung talking, but it isn't. This is common, don't worry, but it's a niche that gets some confused, like myself. It takes a double look then you move on, but keep in mind that keeping dialogue of one speaker together. "Call me Chunji," the boy offered with a very normal-looking smile that contrasted his earlier outburst. Either make it a long pause, or move the next line up to follow. "By the way, when are the cuffs coming off?"

    "Lee Chan Hee, or Chunji's expression fell."

    FIX: Lee Chan Hee's - or Chunji, as he'd like to be called - expression fell from his face.

    WHY: I think adding the dashes and the added bit at the end amplifies the text. Because you can't do the whole 'Lee Chan Hee, or Chunji's so-and-so' because that's not how the possession works. 

    Objects lay, people lie. 

    I'm not expert on anaologies, and I absolutely love reading every writers' words and expressions they decide to use. However, tears prickling like bee stings may be a bit far off for analogy choice. I'm being an , I know. It's just... bee sting hurt like a and if tears hurt that bad, damn. 

    Down near the end, where you put "Why one may ask?" - it actually neads to be put: "Why?" one may ask. Because otherwise it's not fully a correct statement. Without the question pointed out first it looks like you're writing 'why would one may ask?' Which is actually correct, too, but what you wanted to write is actually corrected by me up there. Just a note. And tip, to keep in memory that those sorts of sentences have to have the question in quotations and whatnot, not just a grammatically incorrect phrase.

Characterization;   14.5/15

    Now, even though I do adore every other character in this story, it really hit me with adoration when I read about Chunji's perspective and how he liked ripping moth wings off, and not both, but just a single one... then he tortured the animal. It's a real idea of his madness and love for torturing things. It's a true criminal/psycho internal vibe that's displayed and I love seeing those within stories. Usually we have good writers put that in stories, but a lot of times the psych part of a character is left out - so seeing that and smiling so much because wow, you did well - I'm pleased. There are not enough pleasing and happy words to express my love for how you showed me Chunji! Chunji is the manipulator, the isolated son, the different kid, the one with such a curiosity... Bilions of star points for you! 
    As for Jun Hyung, I loved seeing him be so egotistical and hating Kyungsoo from the moment he laid eyes on him. He was so against Kyungsoo and determined to prove he was the killer. Then we got to see him go a bit crazy, which I felt was fastforwarded through... it left me a bit upset seeing those few particular scenes go by so quickly, and not see Jun Hyung build up; he was rushed to breaking Kyungsoo, and though his overall demeanor and persona showed that he would do that... I felt that entire part of the story was overlooked and bypassed. But I did enjoy having Jun Hyung as the lead character because of his determination and the ego and ideal he had set for himself. 
    And after the story ends, you go into detail, telling readers some of the questions they might want to know. There are pros and cons to that. For a pro, it gives readers the closure. For a con, it lets some of the mystery fade with the explainations. But you didn't explain the actions, more-so why you picked those particular characters and the roles they played. Which is totally fine, I'm just noting this. ^^
    Jun Hyung was supposed to be our protagonist that's relatable. Understandable. And of course we can see the moments where Kyung Soo is vicious and so suspectable to Jun Hyung. And his ending was sad, to say the least. We got to watch Kyung Soo get away with things and twist Jun Hyung. But how Jun Hyung wrote those words and we even got the thoughts and slow process of his dying moments. 
    Kyung Soo, to me, was obvious, but that's the brilliance! Turns out Boa was connected to Wilde and things were crazy for her and she didn't thrive in success. Personally, I love Boa and adore how you wrote her for such a role. She wanted revenge and it's beautiful, in a deranged way, sure. And her and Chunji were the favorable characters; Chunji played a bigger part and I loved it more and the mystery to his entire being. Boa... we didn't get to see her enough, and she was a write in, you said. So, to me, even in the last bits we didn't get to see her but the ideal there is great to think about. She's one to relate to, possibly rather than Jun Hyung himself. 
    For the character choice, development, and the way you displayed them, I am so very pleased and loved reading this and seeing some of my favorite stars as characters that gave a great role! Chunji as a psycho is perfect; Boa as the hurt, longing-for-fame girl that a lot of people can relate to except we're not... crazy enough... And then Jun Hyung, the big ego and his psychosis he faced - the ridicule and looks he recieved for something he didn't do. He's the character we fall for and fall into a saddened and heart-melting pit and killing him off it the cherry on top of a sundae of a great read! And add Kyung Soo, the guy who wanted the fame and money all while being sadistical and maniacle... they're all wonderfully written and I have no issues for anything, just wishing now that Boa could've been there more, so we could see some insight for her. 

_______________ ✦일부분 삼; part three; the little things. ✦_______________

Chapter Titles;  -/5

Oneshot, not counted.

Flow;  9/10

    Even though this is a oneshot, it's a good length, and that means there are numerous options of scenes, settings, etc., and for you, this was no problem. Though I saw some obstacles within certain settings (you focused outsite of the scene, or only for a moment, to flip to another), I thought the scenes went fairly well. They could use some more detail, for certain things mostly, and a bit more of an idea of setting or how they are. Because just blatanly stating they are standing there and then changing to a whole different thing isn't fair to the mind.

Writing Style (format + your style);  10/10

    Format stuff;

'Trainees' doesn't need an apostrophe unless it's in possessive form, and you added it a lot in places where it's merely plural, not possessive. So, there's a tiny error. Also, same for cheques. 
    You also mentioned needing help for formatting things on AFF, which is easy to pick up. If you ever need help, there should be tutorials or even I can help you with that. Remember that when spacing, sometimes instead of a single space (just clicking the enter key) can process as a double space on AFF from the transfer of Word Doc to AFF format. I use Shift + Enter for everything so that my writing doesn't malfunction and mess up when I transfer it. ^^

    As for your style: no words can describe my love. The few cons to it was the lack of character info, the lack of detail to some things, and the need for more concerns for characters and their overall mindset. Letting us see tiny glimpses is a great thing, and you showed us more than enough, but sometimes adding that small tidbit to characters you might not want to show as crazy... it helps. 

Extra & Notes; (+10)

   cough You can't crack neck muscles. You can crack the vertebrates with the air bubbles in between bursting and relieving ache- you can massage the neck muscles. Minor slip up but noted. Heh.

    This actually was a great read and I was on edge and waiting to see who did what. And with the mystical ending and no true answers surfacing, you're left wondering. I know a hell of a lot of people who hate that, but I can't describe how much I love the giant cliffhangers! Kyungsoo, a killer. Boa, a killer? Chunji, a killer? But I do know they're all mentally unstable. And we witnessed two deaths that gave a radiance of pain and one was justice for the killer. 
    For me, I see Chunji's killing done by Boa. She dolled him up and hung him, though I think he might've been willing or even helpful with her at points. She wanted revenge and he loved experimenting. And the dead Chunji, hung, and dolled up reminded me (in the end) of how Boa hated the beauty parts of the entertainment industry. I just had that tiny idea in my head at the end. 
    This fic was amazing on all levels and if anyone ever downs you about it, come find me and I'll whip some because I love this fic and all the mystery and open ending you left. I almost wish there would be a sequel or something- like a decade later a new detective comes in and finds notes from Jun Hyung or Boa or something and tries to figure out if/who killed Jun Hyung, why, etc. I'm stuck on this open ended fic now and as;odfhad;skfn Too much love, doll.

    Please check this out. It's over paranoia and I love it endlessly and it reminded me of this story whilst I was reading it. ^^

Total Score; 102.5 ♡