Chapter Forty
The Black Rose
Jenny flew back to Paris with her mother who came to see Seung Hyun. Minzy followed them a few days after.
Seeing Paris for the first time in a few months broke Jenny's heart completely. Everything she saw reminded her of Seung Hyun. It became hard for her to walk the streets of the city that once led her straight to where her first and greatest love would be waiting. She tried to do everything she could to recover from her recent loss but knew that she wouldn't be able to.
The cafe where they first met and became witness to the start of something special between them now felt different to her. That someone would no longer be there to wait for her on the same table every single night, sketching while drinking his favorite cup of coffee. The table where they used to sit around was now empty. For almost a year, Jenny would always find time to visit the cafe. She would just sit silently on their favorite spot and order the same cup of coffee that they used to enjoy.
After Seung Hyun left, Minzy started off with their planned surprise for Jenny. She led her towards a closed door inside the restaurant. Jenny gave her bestfriend a confused look as she stood in front of it. "What are we doing here?" she asked. Minzy just smiled sadly and handed her an envelope. On its front, her name was written in Seung Hyun's handwriting. Her eyes grew wide in surprise and looked once more at her bestfriend, asking for a clear explanation. "I don't know what that letter says. I was advised not to open it, just... give it to its recipient," explained Minzy. Jenny carefully opened the envelope and read the letter inside it. Seeing this, Minzy opened the door just as instructed. Jenny looked up from her reading and gasped as she saw paintings of her all around the room. She slowly entered, trying to take in all at once what she was seeing. Remembering Minzy, she turned around but she was no longer by the door. Minzy decided to wait by the main entrance of the restaurant in order to give her bestfriend space. Jenny cried the entire time she was reading Seung Hyun's letter, laughing once in a while at his silly jokes.
It took Jenny a couple of months before she finally decided to start reading the notebook that Seung Hyun had left her with. He had asked her to read only a page each day while listening to the assigned song on the iPod. It may sound cheesy and old school for some but for her, it will forever hold his thoughts, his memories, his love. She would then go at the top of the Eiffel Tower each day that she reads a page off from the notebook.
Seung Hyun's Playlist: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9AU9KhMMP20&list=PLO-gkiqK8X1AB07ZbNERcJAOJs-oNljVt
All About You
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I know how you look like,
Translation: talkblahblahblah.wordpress.com |
One calm Paris afternoon, as I was searching for a place to eat alone, I came across a quaint cafe near my gallery. It was always there, but I have never really took the time to check it out. As I sat on a vacant table outside, I decided to bring out my sketchbook and do a little sketching of random people passing by. After half an hour, I got bored and decided to leave. That was when I first saw you. Who knew that you would be the inspiration behind all my artworks. It was then that I created my first sketch of you. I was afraid that you might look my way that was why I sat in another table where I could still see you and hid my sketchbook behind a newspaper. But... you never saw me.
As I stay with you each night that you were in the cafe, I got to know you. I would always know if you had a stressful day because you would order a macchiato or two... always macchiato. My Bommiato... ᄏᄏᄏᄏ That's what I had called you back then. Yes. I already knew your name because I asked our waiter friend for your name and made him promise to never ever tell you about it. :) I remember... your mood would always brighten up because you knew that you would get your next cup of macchiato for free, right? It was not because you were a loyal customer just like you would always tell me. It was from me. :) I thought you would ever wonder, but you didn't. :( Because you were tired, you would fall in and out of sleep and would always bump your head on the screen of your laptop. Yes. It happened to you a lot of times and that time when I held your forehead with the palm of my hand was the first time I tried to do something about it. I was really nervous back then but... I really wanted you to finally know of my existence because I don't think you would ever take time to acknowledge my presence on your own as you were always very busy. :( I was always thankful for each day that I got to spend with you because I knew my place. We were not really together. I mean, there's no us back then. We were just friends and I kept on telling myself not to fall too hard because I might scare you... and lose you in the process... and I don't want that to happen. |
Confession
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I was worried that you will leave me I was never sure how you felt about me And when the time passes, you'll look at me and smile away. Translation: jpopasia.com |
I promised myself that I won't fall too hard... and I failed. On the few occasions that we see each other, I knew that I was happy. I knew deep inside that I really liked you. But I reached a point in time wherein I was questioning what I wanted to do with my feelings for you. Am I okay with you considering me as your coffee buddy, aside from Minzy? Am I contented with just being friends with you? Am I ready to risk my friendship with you? I needed time away from you... I needed time to think... I needed time to understand my heart... It pains me to see your name appear on the screen of my phone and I couldn't do anything about it. I tried to distract myself by meeting art buyers. But... every night that week, I would pass by the cafe without you knowing. I would always find you on our table... alone. That memorable Saturday when you saw me and a client, I didn't get to see whether you were in the cafe. She was in a hurry and so, I passed by the cafe without taking a glance and even ignoring your call. I'm sorry about that. :( But that day, I had already decided that I would talk to you. I just needed to finish my meetings for that day. I was in a happy mood all day until that moment when you didn't pick up my call. :( I kept on calling you but you still didn't answer. I was so nervous that I unknowingly started running towards your house. I knew that you were mad at me and probably think that I'm a jerk for not answering your calls but I was expecting you to shout at me on the phone or something, which did not happen. While I was waiting in front of your house, I got more and more anxious. I was praying that Minzy would be able to convince you to come out and see me. When you finally came out, I was so happy. I breathed in deeply to ease my nervousness. Everything happened so fast. It was not how I imagined my confession would be like. I never meant to kiss you. It was just that... I felt your anger... and your love as well. You were completely jealous (ᄏᄏᄏᄏ Your nose was flaring... ᄏᄏᄏᄏ just kidding! :D And yes... I was super happy to know that you were jealous which was not my intention in the first place...).
I love you... I love you... I love you...
"I love you Bom... from the first time I saw you, I already knew." |
My World
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You were the endless story to me I felt alive with you Whatever they say, you are my sea Without you, I am a story never read Whatever they say, you are my sea I lit up by you I love only you until I die
Translation: kpoplyrics.net |
I am incomplete without you. You are my missing half. You are everything to me.
Though I prefer to keep silent during all those times that we fight, know that I am dying inside to patch things up with you. But... that is how I am. I know you know. Haha! :)
I'd rather keep silent than say things I might regret later. I'd rather have silent fights with you than a screaming one and hurt you in the process.
Hmmm... What more can I say?
The first time I heard of this song, I smiled unknowingly. :) Because I finally have someone like you in my life. The day after my confession, I still got a hangover. I mean, I still can't believe you are mine... that it really happened. :) I will always remember that feeling.
Have I told you I love you?
Hahaha! :) I know I did already.
I love you Bom, My Angel. |
Propose Song
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I waited for such a long time for today You are my lovely girl, you are my pretty girl Should I rent out a pretty cafe or do it front of many people at City Hall?
You are my lovely girl, you are my pretty girl Even if life tires you, even if you get sick of me, please hug me You are my lovely girl, you are my pretty girl You are my lovely girl, you are my pretty girl
Translation: popgasa.com
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Each day I spend with you made me long for you more and more. I thought I was going to die whenever you're away from me. One day, it suddenly dawned on me. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to see your face first thing in the morning as I open my eyes. Remember those days when you couldn't talk to me properly? Well, I was thinking of ways on how to propose to you. I can't even look at you because it would make me long for you more, to think that I'm already half-crazy. I know it may sound a bit weird but I was happy for the first time when we fought because of it. Well... I was given an excuse to think things through and prepare my surprise for you. :) It's a good thing your mom and Minzy were more than happy and excited for the both of us. :)
When that day finally came, I got very nervous that I couldn't stay in place. I know you'll be mad at me because that's the first time in a few days that I decided to make amends so I don't know how I'll be able to bring you before the Eiffel Tower to propose. I was so scared that everything I have planned would all go to waste.
But I guess the heavens are on my side that day.
You'll never know how much you made me happy. :)
Thank you for accepting me and making me feel like I'm on top of the world. :)
I promise to love you now and forever. |
Snow Flower
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Suddenly as I followed your growing shadow
Translation: jpopasia.com
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It was almost a month before our wedding day that I learnt of my sickness. I was so confused. I was advised by my doctor to at least tell someone about my sickness. But seeing you happily preparing everything for our wedding, I decided to keep it all to myself. I was still strong so I refused to be treated with chemotherapy although the doctor said it could, somehow, lengthen my life even for just a month more.
Terminal Brain Cancer.
I asked God why me of all people. When everything has started falling into place, I suddenly got this... this... :( I am still young. I have so many dreams for the both of us. I would cry each night as that is the only thing I could do. I only have six months to live. I would only get to spend four months with you as my wife. I know in that four months, if you knew of my sickness, we would never be truly happy. I pretended to be as excited as you are whenever I would accompany you and your mom in different wedding boutiques. Whenever I felt dizzy, I would calmly sit down so as not to arouse suspicion from you. I hid my sickness carefully so as not to give it away before our wedding day. The day I would have to let you go.
I love you enough to let you go in a way you have never imagined.
My original plan was to leave you on our wedding day so as not to cancel it beforehand and break your heart. But I know I broke your heart more with what I did but I wanted you to see me as the bad guy who left you without a word. I wanted you to think I got cold feet and decided that I never really wanted to get married in the first place or perhaps, I found someone else whom I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I wanted you to hate me so that in time, you'll be able to forget me.
The first snow had started to fall. Our wedding day's getting nearer and nearer. A festive month for everyone though for me, it was nowhere near festive. Because I'd be leaving you soon. God knows how much I don't want to but I know I will have to eventually.
I know it was a selfish and coward decision but I don't want to burden you. I don't want to see you cry nor worried every single day that we're together. I just want you to live your life the way you should have... as if you haven't met me. |
When Love Comes
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My heartbeats are ringing through my ears It feels like I'm going to stop breathing any moment Can't eat, can't sleep I can't seem to do anything When living as you becomes more familiar than living as me Love is one and I realize you are the only one
You'll know when love comes You'll know when you can feel the love All the words that I had said to you How my eyes have always followed you around How you made my heart flutter You will understand then
You are standing before me and it feels as if it's only a dream It's as if this was destined to be and it feels so magical Just as what I thought the meaning of love was before I met you become meaningless Love is one and I realize that I've just seen it
You'll know when love comes You'll know when you can feel the love All the words that I have said to you How my eyes have always followed you around How you made my heart flutter You will understand then
You'll know when love comes You'll know when you can feel the love All the words that I have said to you How my eyes have always followed you around How you made my heart flutter You will understand then
How you made my heart flutter You will understand then
How my eyes have always followed you around You will understand then...
Translation: gotohappyending
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I always think of you, even though we're a thousand miles apart. I pray to God everyday that the wound I left in your heart would heal quickly. I have always imagined you happy with someone else because that is the only thing I want for you... happiness. Though it pains me everytime I think of it. :'( I was doing fine by myself, not seeing you was a big help but... that fateful day I bumped into you at Hongdae was a day I would never forget. I was happy to finally see you again but I was confused at the same time. I didn't know what to do. A part of me says I want you back but another part of me says to keep everything as it is now. Because... it will just be harder for me to leave you. I followed you around as much as I can... while I still can.
And when I saw you happy with another guy, who I can see likes you a lot, I heaved a sigh of relief. You're finally on your way to recovery. But... I didn't know it was this painful. I cry every night just thinking of you and him. And whenever I see him doing the things I should be doing for you, I would feel a thorn in my heart. I would then question God again why He gave me this kind of sickness.
I should be the one walking you home, not him. I should be the one making you smile, not him. I should be the one hearing out the stories of how your day went, not him. I wish I was him... :(
This man is a good man. And so I hope and pray that someday, you'll get to love him. I wanted you to have someone with you... someone who can stay with you for a long time.
I don't want to give you away... I love you so much... That I just close my eyes everytime I see you two together. I would always make myself believe that this is what I really wanted for you... Even though deep inside, I just want you all for myself.
I'm sorry and please be happy... even if it's not with me... |
To Live At Least Once
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Even if I close my eyes, my tears are flowing I see you, no, I want to see you The same space, the same time, the same world, but Wherever I look, wherever I go, I can’t see you We should meet at least once while living Where are you? I’m really thankful that you’re alive The news about you is my reason for living I know, everything has already ended A different encounter, a different person, even if it’s love, it’s ok Whoever you meet, whatever you do, as long as you’re happy, that’s enough We should meet at least once while living Where are you? (At least once while living, at least once while living. Still there, still alive) Once, just once if we meet Live well…you must be happy
Translation: allfordrama.com
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I want to meet you. I want you to know I'm here... watching you from afar. Please look at me... even just for once.
These have always been my thoughts from the moment I started stalking you. But I knew that from the very moment I left you at the church on our wedding day, you were no longer mine.
I have always wanted to see you but that desire slowly started to fade until destiny made us meet again. It made everything even harder for me. I would go against the doctor's orders in order to get a glimpse of you.
If only for a moment... I could be with you in the same place, at the same time.
I miss you so much.
I miss you so much that it's killing me faster.
I wish I could meet you even for just a second.
And tell you how much I still love you... So that I could feel whole again. |
I Will Be On Your Side
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[Girl] Who will comfort me? Who will know my mind? It seems like everyone laugh at me There's no one to lean on I said I'm fine I thought I got accustomed to it But despair comes back to me, makes me fall down again [Boy] I'll be on your side I'll say it'll be ok, it'll be alright, you'll shine, and you're precious to me When you feel like the end, remember my voice It's ok, it'll be alright You're most precious to me [Girl] I said I'm fine I thought I got accustomed to it But despair comes back to me, makes me fall down again [Boy] I'll be on your side I'll say it'll be ok, it'll be alright, you'll shine, and you're precious to me When you feel like the end, remember my voice It's ok, it'll be alright You're most precious to me (I'll be on your side) I'll say it'll be ok, it'll be alright, you'll shine, and you're precious to me When you feel like the end, remember my voice It's ok, it'll be alright You're most precious to me (I'll be on your side)
Translation: KPOP NET
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My last entry... I know when I leave you, you'll feel as if you're all alone. Remember that I'm always here... you can talk to me about anything. I'm always listening. Call out to me whenever you need help. I'll make sure to send you help on my behalf. :)
Now... don't cry. :'(
I'll make sure that in the next lifetime, we'll be able to meet again. I'll be healthier so I won't have to leave you again like this. We'll fulfill all our dreams together and finally make our own family.
You're a strong woman. I know you'll get through this.
Please live for me. Stay healthy. Be happy. And promise me one thing... Please do not forget me.
I love you so much. I thank God for giving me the chance to get to know someone like you, to be able to love someone like you. I will always watch over you. Everything's going to be okay. Trust me.
I'll see you soon...
Your guardian angel, Seung Hyun |
Background Music: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2uMKA5tBZY8
"I miss you Seung Hyun...," whispered Jenny who finally had the courage to visit Hwangmaesan County Park once more and relive all of their memories together. "I brought your notebook with me. I always bring it with me wherever I go," she smiled as tears started to well up in her eyes. She then looked up at the beautiful spring sky. "You know, Seung Yoon and Minzy have finally started dating. Those two... I really cannot understand them," she laughed as she remembered him and the time they too started dating. She closed her eyes and felt the spring breeze gently blowing through her face.
"You are my most beautiful memory. I love you... and I'll see you soon."
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