“That was really good,” Jongin said as he put his chopsticks down, wiping his mouth with a napkin soon after. “I didn’t have chinese food for such a long time, I almost forgot how it tasted.”

Kyungsoo nodded silently, keeping his eyes downcast, but Jongin could see warmth in his eyes that wasn’t there before.

“Did you not like it?” Jongin asked, smiling gently. Kyungsoo looked up with wide eyes, shaking his head frantically.

“N-no. It was good. Really good.”

“That’s great then!” Jongin grinned widely. “I knew you would like this place.”

Kyungsoo didn’t reply, and before his eyes could reach the table again, Jongin leaned forward with a clean napkin and dabbed the sides of Kyungsoo’s mouth.

“You forgot. Again,” Jongin chuckled, and when he brought forward his other hand to hold Kyungsoo’s face still, he saw Kyungsoo flinch. He found himself visibly stiffen at the sight, but quickly dropped his hand and began to wipe Kyungsoo’s mouth with one hand.

“Sorry,” he muttered when he was finished. He saw Kyungsoo remain still, completely frozen. “I was stupid. I’m sorry.”

“You were stupid, huh?” Kyungsoo muttered quietly, his posture as stiff as ever, “tell me this. How stupid am I, if after years of trying to push you away, after spending years hating and fearing you and my feelings for you, after nine years of desperately wanting to get out of my head and my past, all the walls I built around myself is being so pathetically broken down after a single meal with you?”

Jongin’s hand limped to his side. “K-kyungsoo, I just wanted to-”

“You know what scares me the most? I actually really want to give you a chance. I want to tell my head to shut the up and just trust you again, because for once I want to give my heart a chance to breathe. How ing stupid am I?”

“You’re not stupid,” Jongin said hurriedly, hand involuntarily moving forward to grab Kyungsoo’s, only to freeze midway and drop back down. “You’re definitely not stupid, Kyungsoo. You’re the smartest person I know. But, sometimes, a heart is more trustworthy than the head. Sometimes, the head doesn’t make the wisest decision. That’s why you have both, Kyungsoo, so you can rely on either one when the time calls for it. You can’t ignore your heart forever. There’s a reason it’s there. Your heart might not be as smart, but it definitely is as wise as your head.”

“But my heart hurts me,” Kyungsoo added with a small voice. Jongin’s eyes drooped down and he nodded.

“So does mine, but it doesn’t break me. It makes me stronger, and it makes me happy. My head may be smarter, but it doesn’t make me happy. Not like my heart does.”

Kyungsoo blinked up at Jongin, and for the first time Jongin noticed the water building up on the boy’s black pupils.

“Can my heart make me happy?

Jongin heard the underlying question. Can you make me happy?

Jongin nodded and reached out, successfully taking Kyungsoo’s shaking hand without retreating. “I’m going to do everything I can to ensure it.”

Kyungsoo didn’t snatch his hand away, and Jongin felt his hope soar.

“I’m scared, Jongin,” Kyungsoo said, his voice barely above a whisper. “I feel like I’ve spent the last nine years doing nothing but hating on you, only to figure out it was all for nothing. I’m trying to accept the fact that you may not be the person I pictured you as - that you may not have been trying to torture me, but it’s so damn hard. To accept the fact that.....that everything I’ve been seeing and reacting to was a result of my ed up brain....it’s terrifying. Everyone is telling me that this is a misunderstanding. That you actually do care for me, and it’s not a joke. That third grade was an accident that I blew out of proportions. Chanyeol, Sehun, even Byun Baekhyun, for Gods sake. It’s like they know the truth better than I do.”

“Kyungsoo, it’s not your fault.”

“But it is,” Kyungsoo shook his head vehemently. “It is my fault. You're suddenly not the bully I pegged you to be. I'm forced to face the fact that you didn’t mean any harm, and still don’t. But my head tells me no - it tells me to push you away, because that’s all it’s programmed to do; it’s the only thing it knows to do, and I feel like the very walls I made around myself are too goddamn high even I can’t get past it. I want to stop saying I hate you, I want to stop saying get away. I want to say I’m so ing sorry for being a bastard, please forgive me, my head’s ed up but my heart isn’t, but I can’t  Jongin, I’m sorry that I can’t.”

Jongin silently wrapped his other hand around Kyungsoo’s hand, squeezing gently. He gave Kyungsoo a small, tentative smile.

“Well, good,” he said, “because I don’t want to hear sorry. I don’t blame you for what happened. Trust me Kyungsoo, I couldn’t hate you even if I wanted to. You’d think if I really blamed you, I’d do it sooner? When you made it clear you hated my guts? But I don’t. Like I said, your heart is wise, Kyungsoo. And I want to be able to break those walls down myself. I want to shatter them into pieces, hold your hand and bring you out, and go to beat up Taemin and Kwanghee because this is all their goddamn fault, not yours. I’ve been waiting for permission to do that all along. So, how does that sound? Because even if I say so myself, I think it sounds pretty darn awesome.”

Jongin smiled brightly, and even Kyungsoo, who looked like he was going to break down crying any moment, broke out into a teary smile.

“Break down those walls for me, will you?” Kyungsoo said, and Jongin felt a rush of heat fill his body when Kyungsoo moved his previously unmoving hand to squeeze back.

“You’re so much stronger than I am, Jongin. I envy you for it,” Kyungsoo murmurred. “If I was stronger, maybe I could’ve prevented this. Maybe...maybe I wouldn’t have been such an easy victim for Taemin and Kwanghee. For that, I am sorry.”

“But you’re giving me a chance now. You’re giving trust a try, and that’s more than I could ever ask for.”

The two remained still, Jongin smiling widely at Kyungsoo while the latter attempted to wipe tears off his face with his free hand, when a small cough came from the side. Kyungsoo jumped but fortunately didn’t pull his hand away. Jongin saw this and grinned larger, tightening his grip.

“Yes?” He said, looking up at the waiter, who looked down at the two with a puzzled look. It was no doubt at the fact that the two - clearly both male - were holding hands. Neither paid attention to it.

“Sirs, I just wanted to remind you that you’ve been here for nearly two hours. I’m afraid there’s a line, and if you aren’t going to order something else, we must ask you to go ahead to the cashier.”

“Ah, I’m sorry. Time flies when you’re having fun, huh?” Jongin said cheekily, ignoring Kyungsoo shooting him a scolding look. He chuckled and stood up, pulling Kyungsoo up with him. “Which way is the cashier?”

The waiter was still shamelessly staring at the intertwined hands, jaws parting more as time passed. Jongin resisted the urge to roll his eyes, but felt Kyungsoo slowly step back, stiffening up once more. Casting a worried look in the boy’s direction, Jongin reluctantly released Kyungsoo’s hand and stuffed his own in his pockets.

“Excuse me? My eyes are up here,” Jongin said impatiently. The waiter finally looked up, shaking his head visibly.

“Sorry. The cashier is to your right.”

This time, Jongin made the point to roll his eyes on purpose for the waiter to see. He walked to the cashier, hearing Kyungsoo walking closely behind.

After making the payment, the two walked out, but they weren’t oblivious to the scandalized looks the people waiting in line gave them. Jongin guessed that a majority of them must’ve seen them holding hands. He was filled with the urge to flip them off and tell them to mind their own business, but was distracted when Kyungsoo’s fingers pulled on his shirt to pull him over.

“Don’t,” Kyungsoo whispered, “don’t make it worse. We’re no longer around school. This is the rest of the South Korea, so act the way they expect you to.”

“You mean straight?” Jongin asked, cocking his eyebrow. “I’m not going to pretend to be straight. I never have, I never will.”

“I’m telling you to act like a gay male in South Korea,” Kyungsoo replied back quietly, casting a look behind his shoulders to check that the people in line were looking away. “Jongin, this is what every gay male has to deal with. This is what you’ll have to deal with when you’re out of high school. This is society. Take my advice.”

“Why can’t they just mind their own business?” Jongin grumbled.

“Why can’t you just grow up?” Kyungsoo snapped back. Jongin stared down in silence, before his lips started pulling up into a large grin.

“I like it when you scold me.”

Kyungsoo sighed and shook his head. “That sounds so inappropriate, Jongin.”

“I think this is the happiest I’ve been since you first moved in as my roommate,” Jongin hummed, “thanks, Kyungsoo.”

“Don’t thank me,” Kyungsoo replied, “not yet. I’m still scared less. I feel like I should be pushing you away and running back to Baekhyun’s house.”

“But you won’t,” Jongin said, “and that’s all that matters.”

“I think your optimism is contagious,” Kyungsoo deadpanned. “Please contain it.”

“Getting snarky already? Hold up, Kyungsoo, I’m having a hard time keeping up.”

“You’re still a ,” Kyungsoo snapped and began to walk faster, leaving Jongin behind. Jongin laughed and hurried forward, meeting Kyungsoo’s heels.
 

“Not that way, Kyungsoo, we still didn’t get dessert.”

“Don’t push it,” Kyungsoo snapped, but Jongin quickly swooped down to grab Kyungsoo’s hand and pulled him to the opposite direction.

“Hey, this is the first chance I got in nine years. I’m going to push all the goddamn limits as I can.”

Kyungsoo didn’t reply, and Jongin merely smiled and fastened his pace.

“Hey Jongin?”

Jongin looked back, facing Kyungsoo, who was biting his lips but still meeting his eyes.

“I just need reassuring. I’m trying to reprogram my entire brain, and it’s kind of hard,” Kyungsoo said with a weak smile. “You’re not a bully, are you?”

Jongin smiled softly. “No, I’m not.”

Kyungsoo’s smile grew, even though it didn’t meet Jongin’s size and enthusiasm.

“Good.”

“I’m going to tell you everyday, Kyungsoo, so soon enough, you won’t need to hear it,” Jongin continued, “don’t worry.”

Kyungsoo nodded.

“Hey Jongin?”

“I’m not a bully, Kyungsoo.”

Kyungsoo let out a small laughter, and in all honesty, Jongin was taken aback. It had been so long since he heard Kyungsoo laugh.

“It’s not that,” Kyungsoo said, “I just wanted to say I was in the mood for ice cream.”

“Oh my god,” Jongin groaned and stopped abruptly. Kyungsoo blinked up at him surprise.

“What’s wrong? Do you have some weird hatred for ice cream?”

“Don’t tell me you’re obsessed with ice cream too? I swear, half of my monthly allowance goes towards ice cream, and if you happen to like it as well, it’ll become at least 70 percent.”

Kyungsoo gave Jongin a look of disbelief. “Uh, no? I was just in the mood for some.”

“Okay, great, ice cream it is,” Jongin piped up and continued walking. He saw Kyungsoo shake his head from the side.

“You’re so weird.”

“Baekhyun calls me much worse on a daily basis, so I am no longer fazed by it. Try something better.”

Kyungsoo rolled his eyes once more, and Jongin was reminded of how utterly happy he was. He was having an actual conversation with Kyungsoo, consisting of no tears, screams, and insults. It felt heavenly. Kyungsoo was giving him a chance - he was willing to listen, to talk, to trust.

“There!” Jongin lifted his finger and pointed at a large building. “That’s the largest mall in downtown. I heard Baekhyun go on endless rants about how good ice cream was there.”

Kyungsoo gave him an affirmative nod, and the two walked in. When they saw that the mall was packed with people, Kyungsoo slowly retracted his hand, and Jongin let him. He was going to respect Kyungsoo and his actions, and if he was uncomfortable with being seen as gay in public, then Jongin was happy to comply.

“It’s on the second floor,” Jongin said and led the way up the escalators. They walked into a store with red signs, and saw that it was only occupied with a group of high school boys huddled in the corner, talking loudly over some new computer game. Jongin immediately reached down for his wallet and walked to the cashier.

“You aren’t going to pay for me,” Kyungsoo said hurriedly. “Don’t bother, Kim Jongin.”

“You sure? I do this all the time for Baekhyun - it’s a habit, really.”

“I’m not interested in being in the same category as Byun Baekhyun, thank you very much,” Kyungsoo snapped and took out his own wallet. “One strawberry please.” He looked back at Jongin. “You?”

Sighing, Jongin took out some bills and handed the cashier money for himself. “Sherbert.”

After being handed two cups, both Kyungsoo and Jongin walked over to take a vacant seat. Kyungsoo took a bite and looked up, when he suddenly froze and immediately dropped his gaze. He nervously poked his ice cream with his spoon while Jongin dove in.

“Something wrong?”

Kyungsoo looked up to meet Jongin's eyes. He bit his lips and his eyes were anxiously looking at something behind Jongin.

“They keep staring,” he whispered. Jongin frowned and turned around to see the high school students looking at him, all wearing equally malicious frowns.

“Ignore them,” Jongin said simply before turning back around. “Whatever it is, it’s their problem.”

“But they’re staring,” Kyungsoo protested, “I...I just don’t like the way they’re looking at us. It’s too familiar. I don’t like it. Can we leave?”

Jongin slowly put down his spoon and looked at Kyungsoo in bewilderment.

“Are you alright, Kyungsoo?”

“Jongin. Please.”

Jongin nodded and quickly stood up. He was about to grab Kyungsoo’s hand to pull him up, but Kyungsoo let out a small shriek and shook his head frantically.

“Don’t.”

“Kyungsoo. Calm down. We’re going to go out now. Come on.”

Kyungsoo looked up at Jongin, eyes wavering, before he slowly nodded and stood up. He casted a nervous look at boys’ direction before his fingers flew out unintentionally and curled up on Jongin’s shirt.

Jongin froze and slowly looked behind. “Kyungsoo?”

“Out. Now,” Kyungsoo said, and all Jongin could do was nod numbly and walk forward, Kyungsoo’s shaking fingers against his shirt.

Before the two could step out, however, they froze in their steps as a snickering, condescending voice rang out.

“Fags.”

hagwon is an /........./

my god, finally. kaisoo. finally. writing kaisoo angst was more painful than reading it, trust me.

anyways....here you go. hunhan will be up next chapter? i think so :)

By the way....I have good news!

I made a fic based on Queer & Proud - Behind the scenes! weee!

Basically, it's going to contain oneshots, twoshots, and possibly longer portions of events that happen before Q&P or during it that I didn't add here.

Such as how Baekhyun and Jongin became friends, Kyungsoo's past in detail, everyone's family and past (that is not essential to the actual storyline. sehun's past will not be revelead, for example, but luhan's might)

I also take suggestions. Do you want to see dates that happen behind the scenes? some purely XIUCHEN moments, like how they became a couple? It's all going to be there!

I also advise you subscribe to that fic, because certain information you might find there could help you better understand this story and sympathize with the characters.

Queer & Proud - Behind The Scenes

Leave your suggestions in the comment box of the story found in the link above! 

I already completed the first few chapters, and those will be up soon! 

See you guys soon!