Sunday morning, I waited for Hyesung by the street. He said he would pick me up at 8 AM sharp so that’s why I stood on the sidewalk in this early morning. Suddenly an unfamiliar car stopped in front of me. So I only blinked and didn’t move. The window opened when I heard someone yelled, “Get in! What are you waiting for?”

“Hyesung-ah? This is not your car.” I asked dumbly but opened the door anyway.

“I borrowed this from the shop. It’s more comfortable than my sedan.” He stepped on the accelerator after made sure I fastened my seat belt.

“Oh, I almost forget. This for you.” I handed a flower bouquet to him. He pulled over immediately. He looked at the yellow and orange roses in my hand hesitantly.

“I’m not a girl.” He said carefully.

“Oh. Sorry. I always bring flower whenever I go on date.” Now I felt extremely stupid. I thought bringing him flower would be a cute move. I was about to shove the flowers to my backpack when I saw Hyesung’s hand reached out for it.

“Thank you.” He smiled and took the flowers from me. “How you managed to get flowers this early morning?”

“I made special order.” I watched his face was a mix of amusement and disbelief. “Sorry, it’s the first time I date a guy. You must be thinking that I was really stupid.” I said.

“I always think that you’re stupid.” He chuckled more when I pouted. “Well, it’s also my first time dating a guy. We’re both new for this, Eric. Don’t be upset.” He put the flowers on the dashboard then started to drive again.

“What should I bring next time we’re on a date?” I asked.

“Meat.” He turned his face to me with the brightest expression, “A lot of meat. Korean beef!”

“Your love for food is very touching.” I snorted. I threw my backpack to the back seat so I could sit comfortably.

“Where should we go?” He asked when we were reaching the exit of outer ring road. He tapped the steering wheel as he couldn’t decide.

“I don’t know. You said go wherever and get lost.” I answered nonchalantly.

“So, turn wherever?”

“Wherever.”

We drove and drove while talking endlessly about everything. He would ask about the progress of our new restaurant. And I would explain about we already installed the floor and the ceiling. The kitchen would be finished this week and next we would carry on with furniture and chandeliers. But I noticed how he cleverly made me explain nonstop so I couldn’t ask him any question. I looked around the view outside the window and realized that we’re heading to some mountains.

“Hyesung-ah?”

“Hmm?”

“What if I tell you to pull over now?”

“Why?”

“Just to re-enact that night. Both of us in my car then you suddenly told me to pull over. I guess you remember the rest of it.” I held my satisfied grin seeing he blushed.

“Shut up!”

“Hyesung-ah, I never ever regret that kiss. I don’t care whether you were drunk or not, I’m glad it did happen.” Because that alcohol-driven and impulsive kiss brought us to where we were. “But that makes me worry about something.”

“What?”

“I can’t let you drink with anyone unless I was there.” What if he suddenly became careless with someone else?

“I’m not the kind of person who kisses a stranger. But because I met you, mikkulaji, everything became crazy.” He said with exaggeratedly pouting his lips.

“No, because I met you Shin Hyesung, everything became crazy!” I retorted.

“So, are you blaming me?” He asked, almost shocked. He was ridiculously emotional these days.

“Yes.” I held his arm, “So you take care of my happiness from now on.” I tugged his sleeve and pouted before grinned.

“Oh my God, you’re so cheesy!” He exclaimed then chuckled. We chatted along the drive but never get bored. I was glad to see his smiles and laughter now.

“I mean it. Pull over now.” I sat straight and stretched my arms.

“You think I will pull over just because you tell me to? Don’t even think about it.”

“I want you to pull over so we can eat. I’m hungry. What do you think I want to do?” I said nonchalantly. His face blushed in embarrassment. “You have a wild imagination, Shin Hyesung.” Oh my, it was so fun to scare him like this!

***

We finally pulled over on a small rest area. The place might be small, but the view was amazing. From our table, we could see the valley and the town below. As I walked to buy our beverage at a store nearby, I was feasting breathing in fresh air. I didn’t know the name of this place, but I thought this is the perfect place for any first date. I would definitely bring Hyesung to a nice place like this again.

“What took you so long?” Hyesung already put our foods on the table while I was leaving to buy the beverages.

“You know, there’s a good hiking track just half mile ahead.”

“Really? But we didn’t bring proper equipment to go hiking.”

“Let’s go there next time?” I sat across him while he began to open the food’s container lid.

“Sure. You like to go hiking?”

“That will be my first time since middle school.” I chuckled and recalled the memories how I almost broke my neck trying to climb a rock wall over a bet. No, I hate went hiking. But with him, I could try to love it.

“No, let’s do something we like.” He smiled then took his chopstick and tried all the food one by one. He nodded approvingly every time he tasted them.

“I like to fish.”

“No way!” He scoffed but seeing my serious face, his eyes opened wide. “You’re serious? You don’t look like a person who likes fishing.”

“So, next date we’ll go fishing?” I asked.

“With the boat and anything? Sounds interesting. Call!” He smiled before filled his mouth with stirred meat. “Your food tastes better than mine.” I barely heard his comment because his mouth was full with rice and meat.

“Let’s do it when the weather gets warmer. And of course my side dishes taste better, we have the best chefs.” I grinned because I knew he would scold me. He had me cook side dishes for him and he would make some rice balls for me. But I made the chefs at restaurant cooked them instead because I didn’t have the confidence to finish them on time.

“I knew it! You’re despicable bastard!” He glared at me. “I knew I only fooled myself when I thought you will do what I ask you.” Again, his emotion heated up out of the blue.

I gripped his hand and said slowly, “Hyesung-ah, calm down.” He tensed at that and his eyes went blank. A second after, he bit his lip and squeezed back my hand lightly. He shook his head but said nothing. His right hand holding the chopstick was laid motionless on the table. “You could always talk to me. I’m here Hyesung-ah..”

He smiled and nodded vaguely, but then he realized where we were and almost immediately pulled his hand. “I’m sorry. Let’s eat.” He continued to eat in silent and avoided my eyes looking at him.

“I promise to cook all side dishes you want if you promise you’ll reduce the amount of sesame oil in your cook, Shin Hyesung.” I . He finally smiled again, but I knew I didn’t fix anything. But as he playfully threw the napkin to me, pouted and pretended to feel offended, I still felt grateful he smiles again. Even though his smile means nothing more than his weak attempt to mask his feeling. And he knew that I knew.

***

During lunch, he turned incredibly silent. He still tried to suppress his emotion now, so I did my part. I acted oblivious and talked nonsense hoping to create little smile from him. “Hyesung-ah, let’s go to that hiking track now.” I suggested as soon he put his chopstick down.

He frowned and shook his head, “No, we don’t even wear the right shoes.” He rolled his eyes and pointed to my wool jacket, “And jacket. And everything.”

“I never say we’ll go all the way to the peak. We’ll just walk around a little and enjoy the fresh air.” He bit his lower lip as he contemplated. “Come on, don’t you think it is such a pity we came here and not even visit it?” I could feel myself grinning.

“Fine. Just walk around the front gate, right?” He said slowly.

So here we were, walking leisurely at some stone stairs. Honestly, I regretted my enthusiasm right after we stepped in the site. It was freezing worse than I imagined. I tightened my jacket as I said, “We should’ve brought blanket with us.”

He laughed then retorted, “Eric, who would’ve brought blanket while went hiking? You’re idiot.” He nudged his shoulder to mine and asked, “Should we stop and rest?” He pointed at a huge rock block nearby which I agreed.

We sat and facing the valley below us. He took a bottle of water from my backpack then drank it, before muttered “At times like this, I always think I smoke too much.” He handed me the bottle and I quickly emptied it. Yes, I could not be more agree with his thinking. We only walked a short distance but already out of breath.

“We both smoke too much.” I shrugged before closed the now empty bottle’s lid and shoved it inside my backpack.

“You must be thinking I’m a bothersome.” He suddenly mumbled while kicking small pebbles near his shoes. “I’m sorry.”

“No, I never regard you as bothersome.”

“I never meant to ruin the mood today.” Still kicking small pebbles under his feet. “I’m sorry.”

“Stop it. Stop apologizes.” I grabbed his arm a little harder than I intended. His eyes were wide open in shock and for a moment he just froze. I let go his arm and said a lot softer now, “Stop it.” I hate it when someone apologizes to me. And I hate it more when he did it. “I’m here to listen, Hyesung-ah. But please stop apologizes. It was not entirely your fault.”

Since he ended his relationship with his girlfriend two weeks ago, he needed to face many questions from his family and friends. Not to mentioned how his ex-girlfriend kept begging for him to come back. He assured me that, although it might sound evil, he didn’t have any feeling left for her. I wasn’t worry about that. What concerned me more was the fact that Hyesung had to deal with this alone. He was being confronted by everyone he knows and many of them, if not all, blamed him. And at the same time, he needed to hide our relationship. No matter how hard he tried, I knew all of it gets unbearable for him.

“She still calls?” I felt a sudden pang when I realized, even until now I couldn’t speak her name. So it wasn’t only Hyesung who carried burden all along and pretended that everything was okay.

He only nodded and to my surprise, he held my hand. I looked around to check if there were people notice us and was relieved that they were too far to be worried of. I waited for him to pull his hand away, but he stayed. “We talked last night.”

“And?” I could feel my throat choked.

“Don’t look at me like that. Nothing’s changed.” He smiled, “Trust me.”

“What she said?”

“She demanded some more explanations which I couldn’t provide. And then she started to cry until my mother calmed her down.”

“Your mother was there?”

“So were my father and if you could believe, Junjin.” He held my hand tighter with his trembling hand. “It felt like I was on a trial.”

“And you decided to keep it from me until now?” I practically shook his shoulders now. His habit to bottled up and hid his feeling was worse than what I thought. He was alone against his parents, ex-girlfriend and Junjin’s confrontation last night, and didn’t say a word about it to me. He pretended like nothing happens and put up a happy smile all day. He wasn’t made of stone, he would go crazy if he keep doing this.

“I’m sick of people told me to explain myself to them.” He pursed his lips in anger. I didn’t let go his arms, but I caressed them slowly now.

“What I’m saying is, don’t hide anything from me, Hyesung-ah. Whatever you think, or feel, or want at anytime, throw them all out to me.”

“Not all of them are pretty.”

“I don’t care.”

“You’ll hate me.”

“I don’t think it’s even possible.”

“Cheesy.” He scoffed before lowered his head. When he looked up again, his nose was slightly red. “I will tell you eventually, you know.”

“No. Tell me right away. Don’t wait.” Or I was afraid he might change his mind.

“I’ll try.” He said finally.

“Start practice now.” He looked at me frightened at my suggestion. I caressed his arms a little faster to encourage him.

“I’m afraid, Eric. And angry.” He finally started. His voice choked, but he continued. “I’m angry because I brought this to myself. It was my decision to leave her and choose to be with you. I brought this to myself. I’m angry because even though I knew it will happen this way, I still get upset when they blamed me. And like a fool, I insist to hold on to you and risk everything. But at the same time I’m so afraid about losing my parents and friends.”

I didn’t know how to respond. But luckily he kept talking.

“I told them that I left her because I have someone else that I love. But I can’t show you to the world and now they’re thinking I’m making up some excuse. And you tried so hard to treat me nicely and carefully but I only busy with my own thought. I’m sorry, Eric.”

“Stop apologizes, or I will kiss you here and now. I don’t care people are watching, Hyesung-ah.” He laughed a bit.

“I don’t know why, but it saddened me much when Jinnie took her side.” He sighed.

“Junjin took her side? But I thought they hate each other?”

“I know, right?” He let out a bitter laugh. “He was pestering me these days, urges me to meet her and constantly saying that I was not in my right mind.”

And I couldn’t help but thinking about Minwoo. I was thinking about how he acted like a fairy godmother to me and now I realized how much it makes the difference.

“Imagine how he will reacts if he knows I’m dating you now.” He smirked awkwardly after he said that. “We were friends for so many years, but this is the first time I can’t guess his respond.”

“You’re going to tell him?”

“I highly consider it.” He eyed me and found my nervous expression. “Why? You’re the one who always said that I should tell him.” He exclaimed impatiently.

“Only if you’re really sure about it.” How I supposed to tell him that telling him bluntly and hastily like that was not what I had in mind?

“If I’m going to lose him anyway, better to do it fast.”