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We stayed like that for a couple seconds before he roughly pushed me back. His face was red and completely shocked. He stood up abruptly and about to walked out. I jumped and followed him. Just before he held the doorknob, I grabbed his hand to stop him. The next thing I know was a blow in my jaw. It was so strong I fell backward and bumped my back into the table. Great, now I would have two bruises.

I looked up to him. He fisted his hand and said furiously, “Are you crazy?” And with that he turned, opened the door and left me.

I cursed and caressed my jaw. Damn, he was strong. I was sure it would bruise tomorrow. Great, I ruined everything. And just like a defeated person, I sat there on the floor and wished to turn back the time.

***

“What are you doing inside for almost two hours?” Minwoo asked as I walked out the bathroom.

“Trying to drown myself.”

“In the shower?”

“Yeah, it doesn’t work. Next time you feel like crap, try something else.” I sighed and slumped myself on the couch beside him.

“What happened?” Minwoo put aside his handphone and turned to face me. I only groaned and refused to answer. How could I tell him what happened between me and Hyesung in the club?

“Is something happened when you drank with Hyesung?” Minwoo asked carefully.

I almost broke my neck when I turned to face him too fast. Oh my God, what if Minwoo know?

“You make him angry, did you?”

“Why you asked that?” I was afraid to his answer.

“Because he was a short-tempered brat. And with your stupid personality, big chances you’ll make him explode.” He sighed and patted my shoulder with empathy. Okay, it was not happy news. I destroyed my chance to be close to him. And there was nothing to fix it, even if he wasn’t a short-tempered brat. 

“I’m going to sleep.” I got on my feet and walked to my bedroom. I crashed at my bed and buried my face on my pillow. I muttered “Stupid stupid stupid” endlessly until I was out of breath.

That night I had nightmares where Hyesung punched me in the face and then he would walk arm in arm with a faceless girl. While Minwoo only watched me from aside, folded his hands on his chest and shook his head, “I told you so, Eric.”

***

When I woke up the next morning, I decided to apologize to him. I couldn’t stand the possibility of him staying mad at me. And that needed a lot of preparation. So I scrubbed my face and body with my utmost attention. I washed my hair and put an extra conditioner for extra shine. I shaved carefully and double checked it. Should I put make up? I could always steal Minwoo’s make up anyway. I picked my best suit and best tie. I also carefully picked the matched watch and shoes. And lastly, I poured a generous amount of cologne.

I looked at the mirror and after satisfied with it, I took my handphone and texted him.

I’m sorry about yesterday. And please, let me explain everything. Can I meet you this lunch?

For my surprised, he replied almost immediately.

Okay. Where?

So I texted him back to meet me at a restaurant near his office. I looked again at the mirror and talked to myself. “Don’t mess it this time, Eric.”

***

I saw him walked toward our table. He nervously fixed his hair and touched his neck as he came nearer. I stood up and waited until he sat. We kept silent as a waitress came and offered the menu. We made our orders and I noticed how he avoided looking at me.

“About yeste-“ I started to talk, but he stopped me and hissed “Wait until they served our food.” I nodded and shut my mouth. And we waited. God, this is awkward. He must felt that too, because he started to play with the utensils in front of him. He looked elsewhere and not even a second glanced at my direction. After a dreadful five minutes of waiting, finally a waitress served our lunch. I saw he gulped some water before picked up his fork and knife.

“Hyesung, I—“ I started again, but I couldn’t finish my sentence because he suddenly interrupted me.

“I’m sorry.” He stopped his attempt to cut his steak, and for the first time since he arrived, he looked straight at me. “I shouldn’t punch you like that.”

“Oh.”

“Or left you like that. I guess yesterday was a long day for me. And I never expected you will.. did that. But I know it was a bad excuse. I’m sorry.” Now he lowered his head but I could still see his face blushed all over.

“Hyesung, I—“

“And you were probably drunk. I should not overreact like that. I should’ve known better, because when I was too drunk, I would be all touchy myself.”

“But I didn’t drunk last night.” I said quickly, before he interrupts again. He looked up confused.

“I didn’t drunk last night. I was completely aware of what I was doing. I kissed you because I wanted to.” I said slowly, afraid I would be out of breath if I talk too fast. “Because I like you.”

His eyes were wide open and his face gone blank.

“No, I think I fall in love with you.” I said it without thinking. But not even a millisecond I regretted it. Because I knew that was the truth, nothing to be ashamed of.

“Don’t joke around.” He retorted flatly.

“I’m serious.”

“You don’t know me. We just met.”

“I don’t have an answer for that. But I think it just happens.”

“We’re both men.” He whispered now.

“You think it wasn’t freaking me out? Since I met you, I can’t stop thinking of you.” I answered a little too loud because then he jumped in his chair and dangerously shushed me with his hand still holding the knife. I leaned back on my chair afraid of the knife. Realizing his action, he immediately pulled his hand and put his knife on his plate.

“This is not funny, Eric.”

“I said I’m not joking.”

He stood up and said in low tone, almost heartlessly, “Too bad for you. Because I have a girlfriend. And I’m not gay.” He turned his heel and just like the scene of last night, left me miserably.

***

The next few days were torment for me. I tried to call him but he never picked up. All my messages were ignored. As times gone by, I became more and more miserable. No matter how I tried to forget, the last sentence he said kept playing in my head. Clear, like I just heard it a minute ago.

He’s not a gay, so was I! I live longer than him (by nine months, I asked Minwoo his birthday) being a normal straight guy. What so good about it now? All I need was meeting him and now I was questioning my uality.

These days I would go to work like usual, but just like a hopeless loner I wouldn’t talk unless I really needed to. I would eat by myself inside my office. I would decline every Minwoo’s offer to drink together. I never parted from my handphone and always carried it wherever I went. When I had nothing to do, I would gaze blankly at the quiet screen, waiting for something that never came.

Minwoo was worried sick about me. At first he would constantly asked what was wrong with me. When I refused to explain and kept silent, he gave up the asking. But from to time he would eyed me, like he was waiting for me to finally broke.

Until the day he couldn’t take it anymore. After work, he just barged in my office and started yelling. “You bastard, will go with me tonight! And I don’t want to hear no as your answer. So start packs your things.” He stood still on my door and waited for me. I sighed but said nothing. Reluctantly, I grabbed my handphone and car key and followed him. When we walked to the parking lot, Minwoo said “I will make you very very drunk, so you will tell me what the hell happened to you.”

Minwoo’s plan to make me drunk was bad enough, so I never expected another guests were waiting for us in the club. Junjin and Hyesung. They were chatted and already drank when we arrived at the club. Junjin jumped from his seat and greeted us, but I noticed Hyesung’s face harden in shock. So I was not the only one who’s having a minor heart attack here.

“Hyung, sorry. We started before you.” Junjin said apologetically and scratched his head.

“No, no. It’s okay. Let’s go Eric.” Minwoo held my arm and dragged me to sit. “You said you want me to take you if I drink with them.” Minwoo smiled at me. There was something in his smile though. Uh oh, he knew. I almost choked at that so he patted my back and poured me some beer. I downed it in one go because suddenly I felt very dizzy.

“This is great! Another heavy drinker!” Junjin clapped and then continued, “Unlike someone here.” He teasingly nudged Hyesung’s arm but Hyesung only grunted.

“He was feeling down these past days, like abyss-deep down. I don’t know how to cheer him other than this.” Minwoo said as he unties his tie. I held the urge to punch his face here and now. I shot a look at Hyesung who tensed at Minwoo’s words. His hand holding a glass was trembling heavily so he put the glass down. And as I expected, he nervously fixed his hair and looked elsewhere but me.

“What’s wrong, Hyung?” Junjin asked sincerely. But I just smiled and said nothing.

“You can’t fish out even a word from this stone head bastard, Junjin.” Minwoo chuckled. I glared at him and did my best to threaten him to shut up. But this small guy beside me only chuckled amusingly. He really asked to be beaten.

“We’re here to drink, are we? What’s with the interrogation?” I threw some peanuts at Minwoo.

Minwoo seemed to relent at me because after that he dropped the matter completely. He and Junjin started to joke and drink endlessly. Now I understood why they were drinking buddy, because they could go all crazy while drinking. Shouting and singing and dancing and cursing and basically being stupid together. Both of them dominated the conversation and I didn’t mind at that. It was quite amusing actually to watch them putting a performance and ripping their shirt. From time to time, I glanced at Hyesung who was continuously drinking. Minwoo was right, he couldn’t drink much. While the three of us technically were still sober, Hyesung was already slumped in his seat with his face all red. His eyes were looked at Junjin and Minwoo blankly.

My heart was torn to realize that he never looked at me even once since I arrived. He must be really hated me or disgusted at me. I didn’t blame him, but it didn’t escape me from being hurt. And then I heard him groan and tried to stand up.

“I think I’m drunk, I better go home. Jinnie, hand me your car key.” His words were slurry.

“I cannot let you drive, Hyung.” Junjin shook his head.

“Fine. I’ll call a cab then.” He clumsily bumped his knee when he walks.

“I can drive you home.” I said to him. I was expecting he would refuse or shout some cursing at me or maybe another blow to my face.

So I was startled when he nodded and said, “Fine.”

“You didn’t ask where I live.” He stated as we entered my car. He eyed me suspiciously.

“Your seat belt, please.” I reminded him. “I asked Minwoo your address, so I just need to follow what the GPS tell me.” He scoffed while fastening his seat belt. Then without saying anything more, he leaned back on his seat and closed his eyes.

I drove in silent until he suddenly said, “Pull over here.”

“Here?” We were in the middle of the bridge. What the hell he wanted to do?
 

“Yeah, here.” I pulled over even though confused as hell.

“Hyesung..”

“Please stop, Eric. I can’t accept you.”

“You think I can just stop?”

“I’m not gay.”

“So was I a minute before I met you. Now I don’t know anything anymore.”

“You were not gay all along?” He turned his head to face me.

I laughed bitterly, “No.”

Then without warning, I felt his hands cupped my face as he pressed his lips on mine. I gasped at his sudden action. When he unlocked his seatbelt? I felt his lips were moving and shamelessly asking me to part my lips. I surrender at his will and soon enough I felt his tongue met mine. He tasted bitter like alcohol but I didn’t care. I wanted this. I grabbed his shoulders and pulled him closer. He pushed his tongue inside my mouth and it felt incredible. His hands moved to my hair and grabbed a handful when our kiss deepened. Touching him was like realizing all I ever wanted was right there in front of me.

We were out of breath. We pulled back a bit so we could draw some air. I didn’t realize I closed my eyes all the while and when I opened them I saw the most beautiful view. Hyesung in my embrace, with his forehead pressed on mine, both his eyes half closed. His lips were red and moist and slightly swollen. His panting voice was music to my ear. I touched his blushing cheeks which he shivered at my touch. I still raced with my breath when he said, “, I have a girlfriend.”

“You want me to stop?”

“No.”

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