“Eric, let’s break up.” His calm voice did a better job to vanish my sleepiness.

“No.”

“It needs two people agreement to stay in the relationship.” He said calmly, as if he already prepared his speech.

“And it also needs two people to agree for a break up. And I said no.” I had to put the cup back to the table because right now I felt the urge to smash something or throw something to someone’s face.

“I could always dump you.”

“Are you for real?” I asked perplexed. My mind was wandering to the last night encounter when we made love with all our heart and might. Rather than passionate and lust-driven , last night we once again found our definition of making love. But last night occurrence felt like a long gone forgotten memories when he said that he could always dump me. Was it that easy for him? Was it easy for him to let me go?

“Please, Eric.” He said still with calm voice, even though this time with tears threatening to fall.

“Can we try a bit more?”

“Don’t you think we did enough trying?”

“And what next? You will ask me to stop seeing you again?” I didn’t realize that I raised my tone, I almost yelled at him. He didn’t answer but from his expression I knew he had considered that option.

“Why are you like this? I thought you knew. I thought you would understand.“ He gulped in slight upset. “I’m sorry, but I can’t take this anymore, Eric. It’s killing me to see my mother calling my name and cries in her sleep because of me.” His last stronghold finally broken down as one tear fell when he said that. “Eric, this is my decision.”

“So you give in?”

He looked away and tried to calm himself. I watched him breathing slowly as the deafening silence in the room felt suffocating. He looked at the distance outside the window. Was he like this too when he broke up with his past girlfriend? Prepared with his speech and stubbornly refused all her pleads, just like he ignored mine right now?

Should I let him go? Hyesung’s father said if I love him then I would do for his best. Would he be better off without me? Bitterly, I had to admit that of course he would. Hyesung would reconcile with his family and he would get his normal life back. Go to work, meeting with friends, and maybe start to date again. Without me clinging and dangling on his ankle, he would definitely live a nice life.

“I already promised you that I would never let you go.” I said slowly and this time he turned his head to face me. “Would you hate me if I couldn’t keep it?” His jaw clenched after I asked that. He immediately covered his face with his both hands and desperately groaned.

“I’m sorry, Eric. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

“Do you think our life will get easier or more difficult after this?” I asked even though I knew my answer. My life would be unbearable after this.

“Much more difficult.” Hyesung said weakly. “But I still want to break up.”

“I can imagine it. If we – your parents and me – are nearly falling from a cliff, you will definitely save your parents. Right?” And you would let me fall. You might be suffered and sad after that, but even though you’d be given another chance, I knew you would save your parents again. And let me fall again.

“I’ll push you off the cliff if you get in the way.” He said firmly with much pain in his eyes.

And for some reason I didn’t quite recall, I laughed.

He frowned in confused, but I kept laughing. That’s right, I thought. As if some invisible hand lifted a screen between us, now I could see him clearly. And I recalled the first moment we met when he walked towards me and offered his hand for a hand shake at the party. A friendly gesture that got us into this trouble. I recalled the bizarre moments when we had our first kisses, and his weird words the moment we started our relationship, and the cursing he threw to me whenever we were together. Now he said that he would push me off the cliff.

“I swear I love you, Shin Hyesung.” I said out loud in the middle of my laughter. And I would not love you this much if you weren’t you.

And I realized that the reason I fell for him was not because of his smile or his voice or any other physical reason. It was his soul. It was the way his unselfish nature motivated me to know him better – to read any slight signs of little gesture, hidden smile or restrained pain he felt – and then gave myself a chance to love him completely. He was opening up to me and me to him. And when you open your heart to someone, you run the risk of falling in love with them.

“I’ll be the happiest person even though you push me off the cliff, because the last hand touching me and the last face I see before I fall is yours.” I forced a teasing tone when I said that. He chuckled lightly at that.

“This is it, Eric.” He said with his eyes staring straight to my eyes.

“This is it.” I nodded.

***

I didn’t know how long I sat at that same chair after he left. I thought I heard my phone was ringing over and over again from the bedroom but I had no mind to pick it up. I knew it was Minwoo who’s curious why I didn’t show up at the office today. Once again, I caused trouble for him. I stared blankly at Hyesung’s abandoned cup of coffee at the table. Already cold and half-emptied after he put it down then walked out my apartment.

I didn’t see him when he stepped out the door. I couldn’t bring myself to see it – to see the last time he was inside my apartment. I thought I heard some sniffs just a second before he closed the door. Did he cry? And it sent me more crushes to my chest to imagine he walks fast to the elevator and holds his tears all along.

I looked around and felt the strange feeling that this apartment was too big and too vacant after he left. When I saw the empty couch, I thought that it was weird since he wasn’t there. I remembered clearly how he sat on it, stretched his legs in relaxed and put them over the coffee table when he watched TV. That was the couch where we made out the first time I moved here. He lied there that night when Minwoo and Junjin came and we planned many ways to persuade his parents. Now it felt like that moment had happened so long ago.

I took a deep breath and really wished I could cry. But no tear was ever coming. Just choked throat and heavy breaths. The four walls of my apartment seemed so distance yet pressuring. There was something missing. He was missing. He only stayed here for four days, but his traces were everywhere to be found.

I still could smell the scent of him in my body. I still could hear his chuckles. His stupid jokes that was only funny for himself. His weird fingers with weird huge nails. Same goes to his weird feet. His bad mood when he woke up in the morning and the way he insisted that he didn’t snore when actually he did. The way he held the back of my neck gently when we kissed. His nag that would make any work needs double time to finish. How he hated to wash the dishes, he would actually do anything to avoid the obligation. I still could hear his singing when he took a bath. Now, it was all gone.

I gathered my strength and got up on my feet. Sitting here all day would never bring me any good. Maybe I should go to work. I would be way too late since it was past noon, but it gave me some pretense that I had something to do. I purposely turned away so I didn’t need to look at my bed. The messy sheet and unmade bed from last night would surely brought a hundred stabbing if I dared to see it. I walked straight to the closet and regretted it right away. There laid his new shirt and pants that he never had a chance to wear. He prepared the clothes to have a dinner with his parents, but his mother collapsed before he actually made it. I touched the collar and thought that that blue shirt would look good on him. But I guess I would never see it.

Things got worse when I entered the bathroom. That bastard cruelly left all his belonging behind. His toothbrush was still in its place – sat mockingly beside my toothbrush inside the clear glass. His shaving razor also sat quietly beside mine on the cabinet. Unlike their owner, our belongings were happily together in the same place. When he stayed here with me, he used my grooming products. So whatever was mine, when he was here, they were ours. But this morning, now the many bottles and jars on my cabinet were mine once again. And I hated it.

We used to stand here and shaved together, I recalled. Looked at each other through the mirror and hid our smile behind the white foam while we brushed our teeth. I remembered here in this place, the first time I saw him undressed and then he threw a slipper straight to my nose because he was too startled and embarrassed. I sighed then looked at the mirror, there was only my reflection. Only me. Alone. And I had a bad feeling that I would see the same lonely reflection over and over again for the rest of my life. Every morning I would stare back to my own reflection, because I was sure I wouldn’t have a heart to find his replacement.

I would live alone from now on and missing him.

I couldn’t take it anymore. I turned away, forgot my initial plan to take a bath and ran to the front door instead. I only stopped to grab my car key and handphone before dashed out the door. I stopped in front of one elevator and stiffened. Did Hyesung take this elevator? Or the other one? I thought while I glanced at the next elevator. If somehow I entered the same elevator he did take, would it have Hyesung’s scent still lingered?

I took one step backward before turned away and walked to the stair. I would rather to walk the hundreds stair than to be trapped in small cube full of his scent. But how I escaped him if he was in my head all the time?

I drove and drove without really think about where I was heading. And before I realized it, I already stood in front of Minwoo’s door. I knew he wasn’t home yet – because it was still early afternoon – but I only stood there and waited. So it startled me so much when suddenly my phone buzzed in my hand. I looked at it and saw Minwoo’s number on the screen.

“Yah! You!” He shouted the second our call connected. “Are you crazy? Where are you?”

“At your door.” I answered slowly.

“Huh?”

“May I come in?”

“Eric, what happened?” His tone turned into worry and when I didn’t answer he said, “Okay, hurry get in. I’ll be there.” I hung up and pressed the passcode before dragged my feet to my old bedroom.

Another silence welcomed me and I slumped on the bed. I stared blankly at the window and realized that this was the same place where I began. Where I spent the many sleepless nights thinking of him after I met him at the party. Now I returned right back to the start. I was lying at the same bed, staring blankly at the same window, thinking about the same person and same as before, without him to call mine.

I thought I nearly fell asleep when someone opened the door and called my name. Minwoo hurriedly climbed up the bed and touched my shoulder. “Are you okay?”

I shook my head and murmured. “We broke up.” The sound I produced seemed so distance and weird, and lame. Hyesung made me weak – I failed to function just because he broke up our relationship.

Minwoo’s face didn’t seem to be too surprised. I knew he was kind of expected this thing would happen eventually. He sighed and sat still. And I was grateful he didn’t say anything. Right now I didn’t want to hear any comforting words or some scolding if he had any. I just want to rot in silence. 

“You want me to stay? Or you need some time alone?” Minwoo asked.

“Please stay, but don’t say anything.” I answered weakly. God, how I wished I could make everybody stay. How I wished I could make Hyesung stay with me. Minwoo lied down beside me and said nothing. So I closed my eyes again and felt Minwoo tapped my hand patiently until my drowsiness came and dragged me away.

I woke up and the first thing I sensed was Minwoo’s snore beside me. The room was dark so I processed right away that it was already night. I tried to sit and suddenly felt dizzy. Since last night, the only thing I took was a gulp of coffee Hyesung made this morning. My mouth tasted bitter and when I woke Minwoo up, I noticed how hoarse my voice was. Minwoo jerked right away and blinked frequently while studied me.

“I’m hungry.” That’s the only thing I could say.

“Oh.” Minwoo said in confused. “Oh, right. You’re hungry. Let’s eat, Eric.” He immediately got down the bed and walked towards the door. He flicked the light on when asked me, “What do you want to eat?”

“Whatever.”

So we ended up eating ramyun at his kitchen. He stole a glance at me from time to time while slurping his noodles. I knew he would like to ask me some question, but was afraid of doing so.

“Just ask.” I mumbled but avoided his gaze.

“Nothing you can do?” He asked unmercifully.

I stopped eating and thought about his question. “The only thing was wrong about me in his parents eyes was the fact that I am a man. How could I fix it?”

“Well, there’s some procedure.” Minwoo shrugged his shoulders with a vague teasing smile on his face. “If you’re seriously considering it.”

“Shut up!” I scoffed loudly but felt grateful he teased me. “Minwoo, may I stay here for some days? I just – my house a bit – I mean, I could see him everywhere.” I stuttered.

“Stay as long as you wish, Eric.”

“Thanks.”

“Are you okay?” He finally asked the last question I hoped to hear.

“Nope, I’m really not okay.” I took a deep breath before said, “And I have to warn you Minwoo. From now on you have to deal with a grumpy old man. Beware.”

______________________________________

A/N

I didn't know why I posted this now.. But maybe I should stop being so weak towards some dongsaeng's pleads from now on... *sigh*