“You drive.” Hyesung tossed me the car key when we approached his car. He then walked to the passenger side and opened the door. He didn’t wait to hurriedly step in the car and fasten his seat belt. I followed him slowly because my head was still clouded.

“What are you waiting for?” He asked when I didn’t start the engine. Instead, I watched him closely and carefully. “Don’t look at me like that.” He scolded me before turned his head to see outside the window. I sighed to let out all of these feelings inside of me. Too many things were flashing back and forth inside my head, I thought I couldn’t bring myself drive safely. Maybe Hyesung felt the same way, so that’s why he let me drive.

“What do you think?” Hyesung mumbled. He still looked outside the window.

“Honestly, I don’t know.” I sighed one more time. The last two hours was like a dream. It was too vivid I could remember almost all the details, but at the same time seemed like ended too fast. Was it really happening?

“But I think we did well.” I added. “At least we did okay.”

Hyesung finally turned his head to look at me and smiled. The smile that made me smiled too. “Sometimes you can be very useful Eric Mun.” He said. “And thank you for everything you said at dinner.”

“Now you can see how smart I am.” I said before quickly held his hand.

“Was it just a smart move? Or the honest one?” He asked.

“Can’t you tell the difference?”

“Of course I can.” He nodded and smiled. “Now let’s go home.”

“Your place or my place?” I asked.

He only snorted and threw my hand away. “Shut up. I’ll go back to my own apartment after I drop you off.”

Now it was my turn to snort. I started the engine and then drove in silence. It was a nice silence though. For the next minutes Hyesung didn’t make any sound, I thought he already fell asleep. But suddenly, I heard he mumbled.

“They didn’t give their acceptance in the end.”

“Hey, Shin Hyesung. Tonight was our first try. It’s impossible they would just give their acceptance so easily.” Couldn’t you see how miserable your mother was? Until I said my farewell and excused myself, she refused to see me. I was more than aware that we need a lot more to do.

“You’re okay?” He asked.

“Of course I’m okay. What could make me not okay?”

“It’s not getting easier.” He said slowly. “It won’t getting easier, Eric.”

“And I’m not afraid.”

“We’re so screwed, aren’t we?” He chuckled lightly before murmured. “Honestly, I don’t know what to feel right now. It’s either happy or sad. It’s either optimistic or pessimistic. I really don’t know how to describe it.”

I slowed the car down and pulled over. I turned off the engine and looked at him. And said the only thing I knew for sure. “Me too.” I couldn’t describe this feeling too.

“I think I should thank your mother later.” He touched his hair once.

“Why my mother?”

“Because she’s the one who teach you not to stop even though it’s too difficult.”

“Only to the things I really want.” I held his hand on mine. “Very badly.”

He only half-smiled and nodded vaguely.

“That was you, Shin Hyesung. The one I want very badly.”

“Stop being so cheesy, Eric-ah. Giving me goosebumps.” He immediately pulled his hand and chuckled shyly.

“As long as you know that I’m serious.” I let go of his hand.

“I know.” He then bit his lip to restrain a bigger smile on his face but failed. “Now drive.” I started the engine again and eyed him still blushing. Not a minute passed, when he straightened on his seat and asked “Oh, what did my father say to you?”

***

After the awkward dinner and awkward confession I made, Hyesung’s mother found an excuse for avoiding further talk. She was busying herself by cleaning the plates away. If I was a daughter-in-law, I would be expected to help her. But I didn’t think it would feel right if I offer my help, since I was a man. Still, I offered to help her anyway. And for the umpteenth times that night, she was startled when I talked directly to her. Afraid of scared her even more, I let her dismissed my proposition.

Think, Eric. What I should do to break the ice? I tried to squeeze my brain out to produce some idea when I followed Hyesung and his father to the living room.

If it was Minwoo, he would throw some insults and scolding to break the awkwardness. It always worked to Hyesung and me, because we would automatically start bickering and in no time we would conversing normally. But insult and scold Hyesung’s parents was not a wise option, even I knew that.

If it was Junjin, he would smile brightly and joked around. He had the best sense to do it. But I didn’t. I admit that I had the weird sense of humor. What if I said anything that was supposed to be a joke but offend them in the end?

Hyesung was right. I was useless.

“Eric-shi, may I talk to you for a second?” Hyesung’s father suddenly asked.  

Before I could answer, Hyesung already interrupted. “What kind of talk that you don’t want me to hear, Father?” His tone was defensive.

“It’s okay if you want to join us.” Hyesung’s father said calmly.

But Hyesung furrowed his forehead deeply after hearing that answer. He pouted in curiosity but then, surprisingly, he relented. He only eyed us in questioning when I followed his father walked to the veranda. It was only a small veranda with only one chair and a small table, so we had to stand. Damn, it was freezing! Why did he take me here?

It wasn’t too far from living room, I thought. If Hyesung wanted to overhear us, all he needed to do was standing near the door. But when I stole a glance inside the living room, I realized that he sat patiently on one couch waiting for us. He was an obedient child indeed.

“I have to admit that I’m quite impressed by you, Eric-shi.” Hyesung’s father started. “You don’t quit easily.” He said slowly so it was hard to predict his next words.

“I’ve kind of expected it, to be honest. On many nights you parked outside our house, I wonder when you would finally get down your car and knock on our door. But at the same time, I’m afraid of my son’s reaction would be if he sees you again.” He kept talking calmly while looked at the garden in front of us. I couldn’t decide whether he wanted me to respond or not, so I shut my mouth.

“Now tell me honestly, is our blessing really important for both of you?”

“Yes.”

He nodded but with the sorry expression. “It’s still new for me and I’m sorry, but I can’t give you my blessing.” He said firmly when he finally turned his head to face me. “For now at least.” He smiled amusingly when I half-opened my mouth like an idiot.

“I will let you try, Eric-shi. I won’t tell you to leave him.  But don’t ask me for more.”

***

I smiled when once again I recalled that short conversation. Hyesung’s father said he would let me try. So it was not the end, I thought. There was still hope. And even though he said that I couldn’t ask for more, I would definitely ask for more. Who he tried to kid, anyway?

“So he did say that he would let you try?” Hyesung asked as if he couldn’t completely believe it. I nodded. For my surprise, he snorted loudly. “If he wanted to say that, why he had to make it so dramatic? Talked to you on the veranda and all. Made me so nervous.” He spoke quickly and pouted.

“Maybe he was just as nervous as you. So he couldn’t say it in front of you.” I suggested. Well, it made sense for me, even though it wasn’t for Hyesung’s liking. But he had to admit that this whole situation was weird for all of us, including his parents. So he couldn’t expect the usual behavior.

I made a turn when we arrived at my apartment building. “Are you sure you won’t stay?” I asked. “It’s late, you know.” He chuckled at that and I knew that once again, I succeeded.

From the moment we stepped inside my apartment and getting ready for sleep, I couldn’t retreat my gaze from Hyesung. I could actually imagine we live together. Not just staying under the same roof, but spending our life together. Strangely, after Hyesung’s father said that he couldn’t give his blessing, it burned some force inside me. And rather than chickened out, I actually felt brave now.

There were a hell lot more to do, I know. Maybe in the future I have to do all the things I never counted before. And since his mother was frightened of me (did my appearance that awful, I wonder), that long lists would not come any shorter. But as I watched Hyesung flicked the lamp off and covered himself under the blanket beside me, even the longest chores that need my whole life to fulfill seemed possible nevertheless.

I rolled on my side, put my one hand under my cheek and did my favorite ritual before sleep. Watching him falling asleep.

“Stop staring and go to sleep.” Hyesung murmured with his eyes closed tight.

“What do you think about us living together?” I whispered.

His eyes shot opened in no time. “Do you mean as in living together?” He asked carefully.

“Yeah. Living together as in living together.” Was there another meaning?

“It’s too early.” He said in much sorry.

“I’m not asking you to move in tomorrow, Hyesung-ah. I’m asking your thought about the idea.” Since I couldn’t marry you, I thought at least we should live together. It was the very least I could hope.

He took some time before answered. “It’s not a bad idea.” He chuckled lightly. “In a very optimistic way of thinking.” He touched my cheek with the tip of his index finger.

“I promise I will help you with the cleaning.” I smiled while saying that. “And laundry. And throwing the garbage.”

He nodded approvingly. And in the much dimmed light, I could see he smiled. He then leaned forward and kissed my forehead lightly. “Don’t forget about paying the bill.”

***

“Eric, wake up. You have a call.” I felt Hyesung shook my shoulder roughly. When I opened my eyes a bit, he shoved my buzzing phone in my face while saying. “It said your father.”

I blinked many times before took the phone and clicked the receive call icon. “Hello.”

“Finally.” I heard only that short reply from the other end. I could actually imagine the irritated face of my father when he scoffed the word. How long did he have to wait before I picked up his call?

I glanced at the clock at my bed side table. 6 AM.

“Father, it’s been a while.” I said slowly while rubbing my eyes with my other hand. Then I realized that Hyesung was still looking at me intently. He sat stiffly with his fingers clutched the blanket tightly. I shook my head lightly to say that there’s nothing to worry about. It was just a regular phone call anyway. Even though, I noted, that my father never called me in early morning.

“What took you so long to pick up the call?” My father’s voice sounded calm, but somehow I could sense something else. , I couldn’t think of anything when I was half conscious like this.

“Hmm, because I just woke up?” I answered. What kind of question was that?

“You planned to go to work today?”

“Yeah.” I answered flatly.

“Yah! Can’t you answer my question properly?” He suddenly shouted.

“Father, why are you upset so suddenly?” I blurted out. Hyesung eyed me in a more worry and also curiosity. So I toned down my voice when I continued, “I mean, why you asked about me going to work? Of course, I’m going to work.”

“Because I’m receiving some reports about you skipped too many days of work, Eric.” He said rather bored.

.

“I sent you there to help Minwoo – as you requested yourself, if I might add. So what you did so good that made you think you could lounge yourself and work carelessly?”

I cursed mentally when I hurriedly got down the bed and walked away. It was so embarrassing to be scolded by your father over the phone early morning in front of your boyfriend. Hyesung still kept his gaze fixed on me so I turned my back to him.

“I’m sorry and I promise I won’t do it ever again.” I said quickly before my father could gather another breath and spat more of his scolding. “Please don’t fire me.” I added too little too fast.

“Oh, so you aware that I could always fire you?” Great, now I gave him an idea.

“I’m sorry, Sir.”

“Explain.” He ordered shortly.

“I think it’s not very appropriate to talk about this matter over the phone.” I mumbled. And most importantly, when I was just wake up like this. “Sir.” I added in a most polite tone I could manage.

“What matter?” Even though I couldn’t see him, somehow I could imagine the way he furrowed his forehead when he was thinking. Then he gasped lightly before half-shouted and half-gritted his teeth in irritated. “Don’t say it was because you’re busy dating.”

It was my turn to gasp.

I heard a gasp from the other end. Then followed by a woman shriek. “Eric!”

“Oh Mom, is that you? Why you didn’t tell me that you’re there too? I miss you.” I said without thinking.

Nobody answered me, but I thought I heard my mother said about video call. I panicky said, “No, no, no, don’t video calling me! I’m too ugly now!” I didn’t know why, but I couldn’t let them see Hyesung who was sitting on my bed. I nervously glanced to Hyesung, but turned my head away again when I found him looked at me rather frightened.

“You have a girl in your bed, don’t you?” My mother asked right away. Haha, that tone. I laughed bitterly because of my situation. Someone could mistakenly thinking that I was a kid who hid a candy I wasn’t supposed to have.

“No.” Of course not. “And I’m not lying.” I said rather challenging them. Hell, I told the truth!

But somehow, I could sense that they didn’t believe me. Not even a bit. And it hurt me. So in a most ignorant way possible, I opened my mouth and moronically said something that made Hyesung furious.

“I have my boyfriend in my bed.”