“How do I look?” I asked when I straightened my collar in front of the mirror on my closet. Actually, I looked exactly the same like ten minutes ago. But I thought I had to show the best of me today. “From 1 to 5, how would you rate me?” I asked again.

“Six and a half. Now, hurry!” Hyesung answered shortly but firmly.

“Wow, Shin Hyesung!” I gawked at him. “You can be really sweet if you want to.” I grinned happily and was about to hug him when he turned away and left me. That bastard, I sighed. I told him that he could be really sweet, but a second after he just left me without saying anything.

“Hyesung-ah..~” I called his name when I followed him outside the closet. He stopped then turned to me and half-smiled.

“Aren’t you nervous?” He questioned. “Because right now I’m so nervous I feel like I could explode.”

“Of course I’m nervous!” I approached him before took his hand on mine. “But what the hell.”

How I could explain myself to you? Just last night when we decided to come to his parents with Junjin, this morning Hyesung the Bipolar changed his mind yet again. He drove from his house in early morning and woke me up almost hysterically. Saying that we shouldn’t bring Junjin with us. Instead, he wanted to meet his parents just with me. He argued that if we brought Junjin along, it would look like he was bringing his friends for dinner. But if it was just the two of us, we would make our point clear. That we wanted each other.

And so with me was still half awake, we called off the disappointed Junjin and crazily went ahead. Hyesung already called his mother to say that tonight he would come for dinner. But I was sure he didn’t mention about me coming too. So yeah, I was nervous like crazy.

What if his mother faints when she opens the door and sees me?

I hope it wouldn’t happen. But it concerned me much so I bought some medicinal tonic as a gift. The physician said that those tonics were good for heart and calming the nerve. That was why I bought many bottles of it.

“Yeah, what the hell. Let’s do this.” Hyesung said even though he was still continuously his lips in nervous. I was sure if his hands were not in my hands, he would definitely busy fixing his hair now. He looked at me with his deep brown eyes and I couldn’t help but smiled widely.

“Why are you so happy?” Hyesung asked.

“Because of six and a half.” I leaned forward and pecked his lips before pulled away almost immediately. He only blinked at that super quick peck. “Let’s go.” I held his hand and he actually let himself being dragged out the door.

***

We arrived at his parents’ house and he made a turn to park. He turned off the engine before shifted his gaze to me and sighed. But his smile and the look of his eyes were full of confidence. He really wanted this. He was completely sure about this. And somehow it gave me some senses of assurance and determination too. I told you that this guy could bring out my courage with just as simple as being present.

“Let’s go.” He said shortly. And it amazed me much how his voice sounded unwavering whatsoever. So I nodded firmly and followed him stepped out the car.

Once outside, for the first time I realized that despite the cold weather, tonight’s air was so fresh and surprisingly light. I took a deep breath and let the fresh air filled my lung. The cold air tickled my nose but it also lessened my anxiety. I stole a moment and looked up to the sky, where I found the stars shone bright. This was uncommon to see the stars in the middle of Seoul, so maybe I just imagined things. But the stars, no matter if it were real or only in my head, made my smile spread even wider.

Yeah, this was the perfect night to spend.

He pressed the bell and gave me a smile while we were waiting for the door to be opened. In just a few seconds, this entire nice atmosphere would go into a really different direction. But I didn’t care, because as I felt Hyesung’s fingertips brushed my hands, I knew I wouldn’t be alone.

“Oh Hyesungie, you came –“ His mother last syllable hung in a most uncomfortable tone when she landed her gaze on me. Her warm smile she intended to her son soon vanished and being replaced by shocked expression. She had to cover to prevent a gasp escape. Even though she just had a living nightmare stood in front of her, she still had a sense to not being rude.

“Mom, I came.” Hyesung greeted her in a most casual tone he could.

His mother seemed like still lost of what to say, so she just looked questioningly at his son. Hyesung cleared his throat once before smiled clumsily. “And I bring Eric to have dinner with us.” He actually held wrist when he said that. I immediately bowed deeply and greeted her.

“Hello, Mother. It was nice to meet you.” And wow, I didn’t stutter.

Her only respond was her eyes became wider than before. And then, she glared at Hyesung in mixed expression of fury and denial. But Hyesung kept his hand on my wrist and stood steadily despite of his mother glare.

“May we come in?” Hyesung asked.

“But – “ She choked. And honestly, at that moment, I prepared myself to hurriedly grab her just in case she would suddenly faint. But no, even though her face was pale, she seemed okay. Frightened to death, but okay nevertheless.

She didn’t have any more chance to say anything, because a second after his father walked and asked, “Why you stand on door like that? Let Hyesung come in –“ He froze when he saw me. Hyesung’s father looked exactly the same like the last time I saw him. He was standing stiffly and fixed his gaze straight on me. He didn’t even bother to look at Hyesung.

Almost automatically, I bowed and greeted him. And when I straightened myself, I actually saw a very vague smile on the corner of his lips. When I blinked stupidly as I processed the weird thing I just saw, Hyesung repeated his question again.

“May we come in?”
 

“Sure.”

If I didn’t see his lips moved, I wouldn’t ever believe that Hyesung’s father did let me to come inside his house. I kept blinking dumbly and I felt Hyesung’s fingers tensed in my wrist. I supposed he didn’t believe his ears too.

“But Dear… “ Hyesung’s mother said in displeased.

“Just let them have dinner with us.” Hyesung’s father answered calmly before nodded just a bit to his son. He then approached his wife and touched her shoulder. She let go of her tight grip on the door and relented to her husband, as he led her to walk inside.

Did I see it right? Wow, this was easy, I thought. But still, I couldn’t believe it. I was still standing awkwardly by the door and watching how Hyesung’s father gestured us to follow them, until Hyesung had to pull my wrist to make me moved my feet.

“That was easy.” I whispered when we were in the middle of taking off of our shoes.

“You bet.” Hyesung nodded then grinned sheepishly.

Only by then, I could observe the inside of the house. As I followed Hyesung walking to the dinner table, I acknowledged the taste of Hyesung’s mother. The house itself wasn’t very big and grand, but I could feel the warmth of this place. I could imagine how the big couch was chosen so that her husband and son would sit on it in coziness. How she picked and cleaned the soft rug meticulously. And some fresh flowers on the vases were placed here and there, made the living room was nice to occupied. Perhaps one could not say this place modern or high end, but even the small patch on the corner radiated some good feeling. This place was belonged to a family – a close one.

His father already sat at his seat while his wife reluctantly put another rice bowl and utensils for me. But I had to thank her at the fact that she reserved the place beside Hyesung for me. Even though it could also means that letting me sit beside Hyesung was a better option for her, rather than the other option of me sitting beside her. I hurriedly came to her and handed her the gift I brought. She nodded stiffly and received my gift in a forced smile.

“You don’t have to do this,” she said. And I bet she did mean every single word.

“Please sit down.” Hyesung’s father gestured his hand to us and we sat on our seat gratefully. “I hope this is okay for you, Eric-shi. Since Hyesung didn’t tell us that you would come, my wife didn’t prepare anything descent.” He continued.

“No, I’m the one who should be apologizing for coming without prior notification.” I said.

He just nodded and took his chopstick then began to eat. Gosh, this was awkward. For a moment we just ate slowly and silently, especially me – I tried to chew as slow as I could so I didn’t produce any sound. I noticed how Hyesung straightened his back and ate slower than usual. He also eyed his father carefully, as if he was afraid that the other man would suddenly go mad. His mother, sadly, seemed like lost her appetite. She only held her spoon but with no desire to drink her soup or took a side dish whatsoever. Sometimes she glanced to her son in disappointment, but most of the times she just staring at her rice. I knew she rather be anywhere else than here.

But the most unpredictable respond was his father’s. He almost amusingly watched me throughout the time, and when I said amused, it was because he had the same vague smile on the corner of his lips. I ever saw the same smile on Hyesung’s eyes, and that same smile appeared when Hyesung actually liked what I did but didn’t want to show me. However I didn’t dare to put my hope high.

“Eat this.” Hyesung cut my train of thought when he suddenly put a cut of meat on my bowl. His parents almost automatically lifted their gaze to us. “It’s my favorite.” He smiled.

I bit the tender meat and chewed it, “And I can see why.” I nodded. “This is marvelous, Mother.” I said to his mother. Once again, she seemed startled when I talked directly to her. So she just nodded in surprise and managed no word spoken.

Just as if he was waiting for someone started speaking, Hyesung’s father cleared his throat. We immediately looked at him and anticipating for what he was about to say. I wished I could drink a gulp of water, because I knew he would direct his next word to me. But strangely, my glass of water seemed so far, I would make a lot of noise to reach it with my sudden trembling fingers. So I just quickly swallowed whatever inside my mouth.

“I thought you two were separated.” Hyesung’s father said slowly.

“We did.” I answered. “But we want to start again.”

“Hyesung-ah, you promised us. You promised me.” Hyesung’s mother suddenly interrupted. I thought it was unusual for her to interrupt like this, because I noticed how her husband and son flinched in surprise. But it didn’t stop her, “Why are you like this?” She asked desperately and put down of her spoon dramatically.

“I did break up with him, and then I realized that it wasn’t what I could cope with.” Hyesung said slowly but firmly. “Please understand.”

“What did he do to you that make you like this?” She still refused to look at me when I was completely sure she was talking about me.

“Darling, please..” Hyesung’s father held her hand lovingly. “You were here too. You knew exactly what he was talking about.” And for a moment, I was lost of their conversation. What did he mean with that? Hyesung immediately lowered his head and it made me curious of what precisely happened with him right after we broke up. I would ask him after this, I noted.

“But Hyesung-ah, nothing would be different this time. It would still be very difficult for you.” Hyesung’s father spoke firmly. “For both of you.”

“I know, Dad. But I still want him.” Hyesung said stubbornly. “Not anyone else. Not anything else.”

I hurriedly shifted my gaze to the amazed face of his father. His eyes widened and his brows were lifted – and I knew it was a bit impolite to say this – but he was gawked at his son’s answer. And I knew why.

On our last meeting, I told him that I would stay on Hyesung’s side as long he wants me to be. And even though he didn’t want me anymore, I said I would turn into stubborn boulder beside him. Now in front of him, Hyesung said confidently that he wants me. Judging by the perplexed face of his father, I bet Hyesung never told the words out loud like this before. Just the thought of it made me beam in joy and pride.

Hyesung’s father then asked me, “Tell me Eric-shi, is this what you want?”

I didn’t know if that was supposed to be a trick question or anything, so I stopped thinking of what to say. Instead, I just opened my mouth and said whatever comes to my brain. It might be stupid move but I knew I could be completely honest that way.

“I want him. Nothing else.” I had to take another deep breath before continued. “And if there’s only a slightest sign of him wants me too, I’ll hold onto that with all my might.”

Hyesung’s father was about to open his mouth to retort, so I quickly cut and spoke, “But most importantly, I want to see him be brave.”

Nobody ever expected this answer perhaps, since the three of them looked at me in confuse. But they shut their mouth as they were waiting for me to continue.

“Hyesung is amazing and I believe you can see that too. I would never compete with you about whose love is bigger towards Hyesung because I still need a long time to prove mine. Just like you, I don’t want he’s been stared down, or fallen for the fear or done some disappearing, or bow down to other’s judgment. But other than retreated, I want him to not run and holding his tongue. I want to see him be brave.”

“He could say whatever he wants to say to me, no matter how ugly the matter is. Back then, I ever thought to make him happy, and then I realized how naïve it was. In order to be happy, he had to decide that he wants to be happy not because I provide it to him. I want to show him that any unspoken words would hurt him more. Sometimes he let a shadow wins, a dark thought inside him, and unfortunately it made him afraid. He forgot that there are many people love him for whatever he was, not because of his image.”

I then looked straight to Hyesung’s eyes and held his hand. He blinked twice and still tensed as before. I never said these words before to him, so it was just normal for him to be this shocked. “And so I wonder what would happen if you say what you want to say. And let the words fall out. Honestly.”

You made me in love with you the moment you opened up with me. That was how amazing you are, Hyesung-ah.

“I really want you cut your history of silence and let your words be anything but empty.”

I shifted my gaze to Hyesung’s father again and still holding Hyesung’s hand, I said “That’s what I really want, Father. I want to see him be brave.”

_______________________________________

A/N

I borrowed some words from Sara Bareilles' song titled "Brave". It was a great song and somehow it could fit this story.. ^^