I went through every cut. I kissed every single one lightly. It hurts. Deep in my mind, I felt pain. I felt it aching. million swords were digging deep into my heart. My view became blurry because of the tears. I can't stop my tears, nor the flow of memories rushing to my mind. I remembered the night I decided to surprise her and spend some time in her home because papa YG gave us 2 days break.

 

FlashBack 

I knew she was home alone, again. Her parents were out of the country. The maid let me in and told me she's in her room.

I walked upstairs. I opened wide her room's door and was about to say hello loudley and jump on her but she was not there. Her phone was on the night table. I approached it. I saw her headphones on her bed along with some papers and pens.

You can still hear the loud music coming from it. At first, it was rock music, seconds later, the song ended and I was able to hear the fainted sound singing "I need an aiirbaaag!" . 

My eyes widened and felt something was wrong. Yerin doesn't listen to rock music and Tablo oppa's "Fever's End" unless she's not okay. I spaced out for some seconds then, I heard sobbing coming from the bathroom.

"OMG !!! No please NO !!!" I thought to myself freaking out and walking to the bathroom. Almost trippin' in every step I took.

I tried opening the door. It was locked. I pushed it hard, with all the strengh I had and broke it. I walked in. She was sitting on the ground, wearing some boyish blue and a white T-shirt.

I spotted some blood on it. She was holding a razor blade, looking at me blankly with her bloodshot red eyes, shocked. but not as schocked as I was. I stood there looking at her. I didn't notice my tears were making their way down to my neck.

I tightened my grip then I felt an electric shock through my body. I rushed towards her and fell right in front of her. I took the thing she was holding and threw it away. 

Still crying, I pulled her for a tight, tight hug. 

"wae ?? why are you doing this ? what's wrong ? why are you hurting yourself again ?" I asked between my hiccups. She started crying. 

I felt pain seeing her helplees like that. I cried harder and hugged her tighter. I, then, pulled away and wiped her tears. I looked for some alcohol and a clean tissue to clean her wrist and hands. 

She was shaking. I was still shocked. Then, the thought of her, maybe, drunk something, terrified me. I looked around and saw the empty bottle of her stress pills. 

"SHE BOUGHT THAT LAST NIGHT !!" I panicked. She's still silent.

"Don't die !! please Don't die !!" I shouted when she lost her conscious. 

I called the maids for help. Here she is, once again, in my embrace, looking lifeless. And me, once again, crying, and asking the maids for help.

"Call 119 NOW !!" I screamed to the maid when she walked in.

Several minutes later we were on our way to the hospital. I pulled my hoodie and hid my face to avoid paparazzi. I was so worried about Yerin. What ifs were killing me. "What if she doesn't make it alive ?" the sound in my head repeated at the same rhythm of my heartbeat. The ambulance stopped snapping my thoughts. We rushed into the hospital.

I was waiting in front of the E.R. Walking in circles, sitting on the floor, hitting my head on the wall lightly, crying. I was DYING. I couldn't wait anymore. 

It've been 30 minutes already and no information. After 20 more minutes, the doctor walked out. I hurried towards him and asked him how she was. 

He told me that she'll be okay. She needs rest and supervision. Her stomach and liver might be damaged. They need to take care of her.

He told me that she's still unconscious and she needs rest. I asked him permission to spend the night next to her. I wanted to be there when she wakes up.

Being in the hospital with her, it's not the first time, but I hope it's the last one. They took her to another room. She was sleeping peacefully, I was still crying. I thanked god again and again. 

If I lost her, I'd go crazy. I sat next to her. Closed my eyes for a while to rest them but the scene I saw before was the only thing I can see and think about.

I am okay with watching bloody scenes. I never thought it'd affect me this way. But seeing something like this happening to someone you love is unbearable. 

I felt weak and angry. Yes ! angry. I was there for her, I was ready to spend days and nights with her to see her okay, I was ready to do whatever makes her happy, anything for her to not hurt herself again. 

She's the one that made me see that money and fame are not the true wealth. She made me realize how important it is to be surrounded by the ones who love and appreciate you.

Her family are rich enough, more than enough. They were famous too. But what she needed was not money, nor fame. She needed some one to really care about her. She needed to be surrounded. To be loved.

She is an only child and she was always left behind. They would always let her stay with the maids or her grandma when she was alive. Once she died, her life turned to emptyness, darkness and pain.

She started hurting herslef and stayed distant. All her so called "friends" were there for money and spotlight. 

I felt her pain, opened my eyes and held her hand. I caressed it with so much love and then planted a kiss on it. She tightened her grip and a smile formed on her lips. I knew she was dreaming about something. I wished I was the one she was dreaming about.

 

End of FlashBack

 

Coming back to reality, I realized that the pillow is wet because of all the tears and Yerin baby was sitting in the middle of the bed staring at me with her sleepy eyes. She wiped my tears with her thumbs and lied on top of me. she pecked on my lips and said: 

"what's wrong baby ? why are you crying ?" 

"nothing hun..don't worry!" I andwered. "why are you awake ?" I added. She faked a pout and I stole a kiss.

"Don't ignore my question .. what's wrong ?" She insisted.

"I remembered something that made me sad..but now I'm okay." I said not wanting to let her know what the memory is.

She put her head on my chest and started drawing circles and shapes with her small, chubby fingers. I smelled her hair and planted a kiss on her head. She tilted her head and looked at me.

She shutted her eyes and had that one breath. I knew it's time for the question. She opened her eyes and stared at me.

"Do you love me ?" she asked.

"Like the way I love you baaabe!!" I teased. 

Here she is faking that cute pout again. I pecked on her lips and sang

"Nan wol hwa su mok geum to il geudaeman saenggakhae

Achim jeomsim jeonyeok saebyeok onjongil aetage

Gyeolloneun gyeolguk L O V E is What I say"

 She smiled widely and leaned to kiss me. I enjoyed the long great kiss. when we pulled back for air I asked " why do you always ask me the same question ? Do you doubt my feelings for you baby ?"

"No..I trust you !!"  

"then, why'd you keep asking me if I love you ? you know I do!!" 

"I'm just making sure. cause, I always think, why'd a famous super y and beautiful idol like you fall in love with me!!" she said with a sad tone.

"beacuse, you are who you are I love you the way you are. I want you the way you are. you're perfect and I don't wanna change anything about you." I answered. I wanted to say more than what I said. I wanted to express me, but words failed me.

I pulled Yerinnie baby for a kiss then, let her sleep on top of me. We wished each other goodnight and turned off the night light.