It was already dark when they drove back to the city and Yonghwa walked her to her door. She knew deep in her heart that that day was just a give-away for the day she asked of him. It made her quiver inside but she in the feeling as she looked in his eyes. Despite knowing the answer, she still asked softly, “Oppa, will I see you tomorrow?”

“I'm afraid not.” Yonghwa shook his head as he shoved his hands in his sweaters’ pockets.

“The next day then—”

Yonghwa couldn’t help but smile. She was still grasping his stare in the depth of her own pools. His hand found hers and he held it tight. Brushing his thumb lightly on the back of her hand, he tried to breathe smoothly. “Hyun, Hyun…” Yonghwa chanted her name until a smile formed on her lips so he continued, “I will be busy for the coming days.”

“Okay…” Joohyun understood that she can never hold on to something that was only borrowed—that was only momentary. Probably, he was really just an ephemeral experience. She fought back the tears as she repeated, “Okay…”

He couldn’t help himself. Pulling the hand he was holding, he wrapped his arms around her making her head fall on his chest. Once again, he breathed in her scent, “Don't worry, I will call as often as I can.”

“Okay,” Joohyun managed to say as her hands fisted on the softness of his sweater. Her gentle tears were absorbed in his clothes. The aching has now intensified, if she could explain how much having him near meant to her then everything would have been easier. If she could only tell him how his touch comforts and protects her from the sadness of her heart, then breathing could be this simple.

“Take care, love…” Yonghwa said softly—almost inaudibly as he kissed the crown of her head.

She heard it. If only she didn’t hear it. Her head lifted and eyes fluttered open to meet his gaze. Her fingers opened but remained flat on his chest. The tiny movement of his mouth didn’t escape her attention as Yonghwa wet his lips gently with the tip of his tongue. And gently, ever so gently, she raised herself on a tiptoe and tilted her head to meet those lips.

Their lips joined together once more as he felt her hands wrapping on his shoulders so he s his around her waist to pull her closer. Her knees felt weak but he was lifting her up so she won’t need to stand on her own. His tongue her lower lip before diving in and caressed her own. They kissed desperately without any hint of hesitations. Their breathing ragged and forced. Both made little moans as they felt each others’ nerves fueling the fire that was just waiting to ignite.

She felt alive in his arms, in his touch, in his kiss. The rush of emotions flooded in and she knew she was crying because she could taste her own tears blending with the feel of his tongue on hers. Everything ached from that point on until she withdrew but rested her forehead on his while watching his opened mouth trying to catch his breath. Joohyun closed her eyes for a second then dipped a light peck on his upper lip; her fingers gently massaging his nape. “What is happening to us?” She asked, her lips touching his when she did.

“We are just,” Yonghwa captured her lower lip between his teeth and bit lightly then exhaled, “Being reckless…”

And, before he knew it, he tugged her harder to him. Yonghwa groaned against as he found a way to pin her between him and the door. His lips left her and traced the corner of until he dove lower to her neck. Her scent assaulted his sense and he never felt so free in his life. It was something that shouldn’t even be happening but they both seemed to allow it.

“H-Hyun…” Yonghwa breathed against the crook of her neck, “Let’s get… inside….” With that, she suddenly gasped and abruptly pushed him away freezing his every other movement.

Joohyun’s eyes flashed and, with mouth agape, she shook her head in panic when she remembered Yuri’s message a few hours back, “My sister’s home!” Finally, she regained half of her consciousness and gently released her grip on his body. Realization struck both of them leaving nothing but another awkward stare.

Yonghwa bit his lip as he scratched the back of his head and smiled timidly, “Uhm, do I need to say hi to her or something?”

She found herself laughing softly, “No… no, Oppa… it’s okay… I d-don’t think there’s a need—”

“Ahh… yeah, okay. I guess I need to go…” he took a step back to give her way and watched her key in the password, “I’ll call you…”

“Okay, thanks for… for today…”

“Yeah…” he smiled feeling warm all over seeing her flushed cheeks and cherry red lips. He cursed himself again since he was supposed to feel terrible not wonderful. Joohyun only gave him a tight-lipped smile before slipping into their flat. Yonghwa let out another loud sigh.

Now, he found himself on that road to confusion again. Should he go or stay? Reckless Joohyun seemed to be a very bad idea after all.

Chapter 34. Illusions

“I was prepared, but it still hurt.”

~ Hiro Fujiwara

Still floating on her euphoria, Joohyun sneaked in their flat as quietly as she could. When the door shut close, her back fell on it and she willed her heart to start beating normally but to no avail. Furthermore, her sister suddenly appeared from the kitchen with a surprised look on her face.

“Didn’t hear you came in…” Yuri muttered as she watched her sister walked towards her.

“Hi… sorry for coming home late,” she smiled sheepishly and prayed so hard that she didn’t look like a beaten up rag doll. Joohyun’s body dropped on the sofa; she just realized how tired she was. So many things happened that day—so much revelations and she was afraid to reminisce any of it.

“Eherm,” Yuri sat across her from the coffee table and giggled when she  forced her eyes to open, “Anything you want to tell me?”

Joohyun’s lips jutted out begging her sister not to probe but Yuri wrinkled her forehead so she sighed, “Yonghwa Oppa’s leaving soon.”

“Yeah, he told me.” She smiled when her sister looked surprised, “How do you feel about it?”

How does she feel about it? That was a hard question. “I don’t know, Unnie. Honestly, nothing… or it hasn’t sunk in yet?”

“Most probably, considering he has been keeping you company for awhile now.” Yuri finally squeezed beside her sister on the sofa and looked seriously at her, “Hyunnie… you promised that we will talk about him. Do you think it’s okay if we do it right now?”

“I guess?” Joohyun focused on her fingers.

“I like Yonghwa,” a soft laugh escaped when Joohyun looked weirdly at her so she shook her head, “Not that kind of like, dummy. I mean, I’ve seen how he is with you and everybody else. I can tell that he’s a great kid, really. If in case you’d be ready to, you know, entrust your heart to someone again I would be on Team Yonghwa…. but… not now. You know what I mean, right?”

Her head hang low; her sister’s meaning was clear to her. Entrust her heart to someone—not now. It made her want to laugh.

Yuri found herself chuckling nervously as she watched the colors on her sister’s face seemed to drain out so suddenly. “Do you know how hard it is for me to talk about this with you? I’m so sorry… my job as an unnie .”

“No… I understand what you mean, Unnie. Don’t worry…” Joohyun nodded as empty thoughts seemed to have taken residence in her brain. Despite that, her chest contracted in such a way that she could almost feel it in . Her unnie’s words were like a needle that poked hole on her balloon.

Yonghwa—she should stop dragging him to her unstable emotions.

She was fragile. Every tiny emotion could probably have that ‘on steroid effect’. The feelings she had these past days could be just the result of that instability and fragility. Yonghwa might have been her victim and she couldn’t really do that to him.

Yuri sighed and patted her sister’s shoulder when her silence dragged on. “Why don’t you take a rest? You look so tired…”

“I am…” she forced a smile and stood. “I’ll go to sleep, Unnie…”

“Okay…” Yuri stood with her sister but decided to hug her tight. They didn’t say more—they didn’t have to.

Words, sometimes, are just painful reminders of what the heart is afraid to feel.

~~~

Almost a week had passed and finally he managed to keep his distance. He would call her on random moments or she would message him but those exchanges were only brief and civil. These and the fact that Joohyun cancelled one dinner night with him were reasons enough for him to belief that she was also withdrawing from him. For what it’s worth, Yonghwa thought it was a good sign.

Although apart, at least they were moving forward.

He sighed before going in the registrar’s office but his attention was taken by a sight at the far end of the hallway. Joohyun stood there with some kids he recognized to be her and Shinwoo’s classmates. Probably feeling his presence, she looked up and he instinctively raised his hand to catch her attention. Something burned somewhere in his stomach when all Joohyun did was smile, tilt her head towards him and walk away.

Yonghwa was expecting her to stop and wait for him to go where she was. He dug his pocket for his phone and typed, “Please tell me I wasn’t hallucinating. I think I saw you.”

“You weren’t. I’m here to talk to Prof. Kim. Need to rush back home though.”

“I see. Talk to you soon.” He typed again, stopped and stared at his phone, “Miss you.” Lifting his head up with a sigh, he hit send and waited.

And, he was waiting still for her reply while he sat in front of Sooyoung at one of the cafeterias after almost an hour of seeing Joohyun.

“Did you hear what I said?”

Sooyoung raised a brow at him so he shoved his phone back in his pocket, “I’m sorry, I was just—”

“Just being a girl right now waiting for her Oppa to reply to her text messages,” Sooyoung rolled her eyes, “Or is it a call you’re waiting for?”

He laughed, “Really, you are a mind reader.”

“That’s what I do best,” she winked and popped a chip in then continued, “As I was saying, why can’t this Japan thing happen after this school year?”

“Because…” Yonghwa looked squarely at Sooyoung’s challenging gaze. She is the type of person who will never let things off unless she’s satisfied with everything. He cleared his throat and decided to be honest to her and to himself. After a heavy sigh, admitted, “You’re right. I’m in love with Joohyun.” It felt like a big boulder got rolled off his back when he said that and his friend’s eyes widened in disbelief then she clapped slowly.

“Ahh, finally, ladies and gentlemen… Yonghwa just grew a pair!”

“Thank you for not saying that too loud,” he scowled. “But, honestly, I think I can’t do this anymore…”

“What is this that you can’t do anymore?”

“This…” he raised both hands, “I need a breather.”

“You said you have been spending time with her.” Sooyoung noticed the sadness in his eyes despite the small smile he was trying to wear. She asked softly, “Are you getting tired?”

Yonghwa shook his head, “No… not… I don’t think I can ever get tired. Anyway, I don’t think I can be with her on this road. She has to find herself without me.”

“Argh, the drama…” She groaned playfully bringing out a chuckle from her friend so she continued with another joke, “Tsk. Don’t you have a guy bestfriend to say this?”

 “I do.” Yonghwa nodded pouting at her, “I did. He's dead, remember?”

“Oh, yeah… sorry I forgot. But, you said it yourself, he's dead; you aren’t.”

 “Your analogies.”

“Not yet done...” Sooyoung snapped gently because he was starting to wear a frown but she went on, “You aren’t dead and she isn’t dead. Now that's the analogy.”

He took a deep breath then decided to just take it as a joke and answered her with another one, “So you really want to see me get hurt?”

 “I want to stop seeing you and her get hurt,” Sooyoung finally gave him a patronizing smile, “That's what I want to see.”

That totally warmed his heart. He wanted that too but he knew there is a big price to pay for that to happen. Nodding softly with a small smile, he quipped, “You're a good friend.”

“I know I am. But be a better friend and listen to me,” Sooyoung flicked her short hair with an air of confidence then continued seriously, “Are you really leaving while things are starting to go well?”

“I don’t know if it’s really going well,” he shrugged, “I have to go before it starts getting unwell.”

“It will once you leave, you know that.”

“I have so many things to deal with on my own.”

“That’s being selfish, she needs you.”

“I need her to be better without me or my help, Sooyoung.” Yonghwa retorted because he knew what Sooyoung was saying, “In the end, you will understand why I have to do this.”

Sooyoung clicked her tongue and muttered in exasperation, “Make me understand right now.”

“I cannot be with her that way because my grandmother will not make it happen. I have to go now if I want to be with her in the future. I will fix myself and she has to fix herself before we can be together. I need to fix things on my side.” Nothing made sense but that. Yonghwa had been thinking about it for awhile now and it was the best he could come up to. That was his plan although he wasn’t even sure if he managed to get in her heart the way she had taken that big space in his. It must be silly if he was wrong. He gulped and said out loud, “And I’m not even sure if she could ever… feel the same or—“

“She does,” Sooyoung nodded with a smile. “She will, anyway.”

“Okay, you’re playing genius,” he complained.

“But you’re right, I understand now, your fears—” she conceded and patted her friend’s shoulder, “I’m sorry for pushing, you’re right, you must guard your feelings too. Joohyun is a ticking time bomb, for all we know you could end up being a victim.”

“That’s what I’m afraid of.”

Sooyoung gave him a patronizing smile when he sighed out loud, “But I hope you won’t give up on her.”

“Let’s see… I will meet her before I leave… let’s see if I’m me or I would stay behind my brother’s shadow.”His phone vibrated and he took it out expecting a reply from Joohyun. He groaned out loud after reading the message and Sooyoung looked at him expectantly, “Jinah… she’s in town.”

“Wow, talking about perfect timing...”

“I think halmeoni sent her to convince me to go back soon.”

“So you must make up your mind. Stay or leave…”

“Hard…”

“You poor guy…”

~~~

Joohyun successfully avoided Yonghwa but somehow it didn’t feel good. Then she told herself that it was for his own good and hers. But why did her tears come out? She missed him. There was this gap again—the emptiness was slowly creeping in her. It was good that she was convinced to go back to school because she needed distraction; but school could not really fill that void.

She felt sick and tired of feeling the pain. Brushing the tears away, she took her phone and composed a message for him. I think I’m going crazy. She threw her phone but it started ringing as it landed on her side so she took it.

Joohyun cleared when she heard the tiny sound on the other line but she didn’t say anything until he spoke.

“Hey, crazy…”

She laughed softly, “I’m sorry to bother you again. I-I think… I’m just so sad,” she shook her head biting her bottom lip until it hurt then continued. “Nevermind, I’m sorry for that.”

“Hey… hey. Talk to me. You looked okay the last time I saw you. Did something happen?”

‘You happened.’ She kept that thought to herself and sniffed, “I don’t know, I woke up this morning and I felt terrible.”

“You must try to stop making yourself lonely, Hyun… school is about to start.”

“I know but…” she sighed and her body fell on her bed, “Loneliness is such an addicting place, sometimes I feel like I just have to be there. Although I don’t want to be there anymore, I’m always taken back… and trying to be okay is like a bitter pill…”

“Yeah a bitter pill… but bitter pills need to be taken, whether we like it or not.”

“Come to think of it, I think I'm sick somewhere… you know?” Joohyun tapped her chest forcing to feel the physical pain than the once blocking in her chest. “When you're sick, when you're hurting somewhere, your tolerance to pain become weak so even a lightest kind of pain seems to be too painful. Simple hurt become too much of an inconvenience. It's like pain on steroids. Pain just has to be more painful.”

She paused but he didn’t say anything so she sighed, “Then there's this kind of pain inside, it's not like you have that wound there or anything and you don't even know what to call it. I think I'm just sick somewhere inside. It must be my lungs because it keeps me from breathing sometimes—“ She stopped and bit her knuckles because she could feel it; she was feeling everything she was trying to tell him, “Or my heart because it’s beating kind of weird. Then again, it must be my stomach since I feel it churning when I'm not even hungry... I don't know... maybe it's my brain I'm even talking weird. Is there even a pain reliever to this kind of pain?”

“I don’t know how to answer that. I'm probably sick somewhere too… Hyun? Are you crying?”

“Yes…” She nodded as if Yonghwa was in front of her, sitting on her bed and holding her hand, “I cried awhile ago until my head hurts and I'm crying again… it's getting silly. And don't tell me it's okay to cry.”

“Fine, I'm not telling you it's okay to cry.”

 His chuckles made her want to see him some more. If only she didn’t need to create that distance. If only there were other ways for her to shield Yonghwa away from her pain, “Thank you. I know I have been a baggage for everyone—“

“I never see you as a baggage. And if you were, I would be willing to carry you around. Hyun, if I'm there I would be hugging you real tight and kiss you… you know I would kiss you, right?”

“Yes... and you would talk to me and tell me everything's eventually going to be okay.” The smile that suddenly appeared on her lips somewhat made her tears to come out even more. Why did he have to be so nice to her? She swallowed the lump in , “You said you are sick somewhere too. Am I making you sick?”

“I am making ME sick...”

She laughed “We— sick people...” Her eyes shut tight and tears flowed down evenly.  “I don’t want you to be sick like me, Oppa… not you. If you're here, I would kiss you again...”

“That's why I can't be there, we can't be reckless...”

She found herself nodding.

“You better sleep, crybaby...”

“Yes, daddy...”

“... I would kiss you again, you little fool.”

She giggled despite her tears. His voice somehow did the trick. Even though it was painful to think that she and Yonghwa decided to have that distance, she convinced herself that it was only for the best. Her Unnie was probably right, if she could give her heart to someone it could be him—again.

The realization hit her. If that day on the park, she had fallen at first sight… then… “Go to sleep too.... thank you for making me feel better...” She finally said, ignoring her other thoughts.

“You’re welcome…”

Joohyun waited for him to say his goodbye but he was silent, “Oppa… good night.”

“Yes, goodnight… Hyun?”

“Oppa?”

“I miss you, okay? Every tiny bit of second…”

She gasped silently as she felt the sudden tug in her chest. Joohyun nodded but she was biting her tongue. She wanted to say it back but she held her breath and ended the call.

………………………………………………………

thanks for the comments <3

Sorry, it took forever!