Chapter 29. Borrowed

“I love you. That is all I know.

But all I know, too, is that I am writing into space:

the kind of dreadful, unknown space I am just going to enter.”

-Dylan Thomas

“You can’t do that? Who are you kidding? You're good at playing him, that's why you were able to fool me! Then be him! Be him!!!”

Her own words broke her. She wept harder. Her body shook as if draining itself from the pain, only that it was too deep—too much. Her world was crumbling all over her. Finally, her limbs gave themselves up that she fell on the floor crying shamelessly. She cried unable to contain herself until a pair of arms encircled her body and she got enfolded in his warmth.

She cried again—for the millionth time, she was crying again— in his arms; on his warmth. It was tiresome and she must be a tiresome person to be with and she wondered why he was still there holding her like that. She hated herself more than she hated other people, especially Yonghwa. But she did, she hate him so much for she didn’t deserve to be fooled like that. Whatever Shinwoo’s reasons were gone with him.

Shinwoo.

She missed him so much. They say time heals all wounds but all she did was drag her time for her wound to pain her endlessly. When Yonghwa went away, she thought his absence would be good for her. The more she sees him, the more Shinwoo stayed in her mind. Yonghwa was there to remind her of what she lost— he was there to replace the presence she missed. It was wrong; it was unfair but nothing was ever fair since Shinwoo was stolen from her.

Shinwoo.

Her eyes fluttered open aware of who they will see once she looked up. And he was there, Shinwoo was there staring back at her, holding her in his arms like he never left at all—like everything was another April fool’s day prank.

Shinwoo.

Freeing an arm, she reached out to touch his face. His cheek was warm against her cold palm. Shinwoo, right here in her reality not the one in her dreams.  Gently, she ran her fingertips, tracing his cheeks, mapping his face until they ended on his lower lip. The longing was too much to bear. She missed his voice, his feel, his touch—his kiss.

The lie she wove never felt so real. His kiss. Everything will be alright with his kiss. This stupid person made her miss him so much it hurts. This stupid person made cry like that. “Pabooya…” she whispered softly as she lifted herself up, her eyes focused on his lips. She never wanted anything but that.

“No... not now...”

Her eyes widened as reality flashed right into her when he spoke and kissed her trembling hand.

“…let me be myself right now...”

He wasn’t Shinwoo. He was Yonghwa. And she can never change that.

Yonghwa helped her up and steadied her on her feet. Joohyun was still searching Shinwoo again but she could no longer see him in those sad eyes. Her Shinwoo faded away from his eyes. Yonghwa cupped her cheeks and pressed his lips on her forehead. She closed her eyes trying to feel Shinwoo but he wasn’t there anymore.

He took a step back and smiled, “Tomorrow, Hyun, only tomorrow...”

Another step echoed through her senses and Yonghwa was finally walking away.

“I'll see you then...”

And then, he was gone.

Joohyun watched door closed. She shut her eyes tight, "What have I done?"

~~~

Yuri opened the door when Joohyun didn’t answer. She called her sister some time during the day but the latter didn’t answer so she assumed that Joohyun went out with Yonghwa again. However, she bumped into him at the hospital and he told her that his visit was only brief.

Stepping inside her younger sister’s room, she found Joohyun on her bed absentmindedly staring at the flowers on the vase which she reckoned came from Yonghwa. “Hey, where did you go today?” Yuri asked as she sat on the edge of the bed.

Joohyun sat up and folded her legs in front of her and muttered, “I didn’t leave.”

“Again? I thought Yonghwa was taking you out since he came too early,” she said pretending that she didn’t talk to the man.

“No,” Joohyun forced a smile. The long pause was a sign that her sister was waiting for her to talk so she decided to just tell her, “Unnie, I’ve been thinking about this. Can I go back to mom’s place?”

“What?!” The word snapped out of her lips then she managed to ask gently, “Why?”

“Just…” Joohyun shrugged and rested her chin on her knees. She couldn’t look at her sister again.

“Don’t please…” Yuri took hold of her sister’s hand and tugged it softly, “Okay, I will take a leave from work and let’s go on a trip, okay? We should have done that already.”

“No, Unnie… you don’t have to.”

“Joohyun, you want to leave… Mom just got married. Although she won’t have any second thoughts of taking you back but we agreed, right? We will give them time. And don’t think of going to Australia either, you know that Appa’s kids are already a handful—“

“I won’t be a bother for them… I just want to—“

She shook her head, “Joohyunie… I may never understand what you’re going through, but I’m here, you know that.” Yuri could feel the tears accumulating on each side of her eyes. Her sister has been alienating herself from the world and she let her be herself but the thought of not seeing her every day and knowing how she was doing were something that was making Yuri feel uncomfortable. “Baby, I don’t want you to leave my side, I need you here beside me and I’m damn sure that you need me around. Please… don’t drop us out of your life. You can talk to me, you have friends here— Yoona, Sooyoung, Yonghwa… and so many more. Just look, see us here…”

Joohyun believed her but she doesn’t want to drag them down to the pits of her emotions where she felt like traversing lately.

Yuri continued, “The greatest tragedy of all is thinking you are alone… and you are not. Look around you, we are here… beside you, we care and love you… look around, don't lose sight of who's beside you. Or it would be another loss and we will never know if you can still have it back. I am not asking you to pull yourself together right now, right this moment. And, this may be too much but all I’m asking right now is for you to stay, open your heart and live.”

~~~

It must have been the sign he was waiting for. Yonghwa is not really the person who would rely on such things before making his move but this time, he has to trust this decision. People have been telling Joohyun to move on and Yonghwa also needs to do just that—move on.

And maybe, it was time.

He rang in their house early that morning again and Yuri greeted him as if she was already expecting him to come. “Good morning, Nuna… Joohyun?” He greeted Yuri.

“In her room. Let me get her—“

“No, it’s okay…” he smiled, walked past Yuri and opened Joohyun’s bedroom door without even knocking leaving Yuri bewildered.

If there were a thousand reasons why Yonghwa wanted to stay beside her, one of which would be that he likes looking at her—even from afar. He smiled at his own thoughts as he found Joohyun by the window pensively looking outside. Her legs were folded close to her chest; her soft waves hang loosely by her shoulders.

The morning light that passed through the glass made her glow like an angel and, although Yonghwa couldn’t see her face because of the brightness, he knew that she was smiling at him when she looked up. “Good morning…” he said as he strode across her room.

“Hi…” Joohyun replied fixing him a tender smile. They looked at each other like yesterday didn’t happen. Yonghwa knelt in front of her, his hand dropping on her covered feet that was resting on the chair.

"Hyun… today…"

“You're really going to do it?” She looked out of the window again. There was this emptiness in her heart but she could feel the warmth his voice brought to her. It was just yesterday that she wished she had never met him but here she was defying herself. Is she seeking retribution or punishing herself?

Yonghwa studied her for a moment then nodded, “If you want to.”

“Then…” Joohyun swallowed the knot in then asked quietly without peeling her gaze off the window, “What if I don't want to anymore?”

Yonghwa stood but bended towards her; one hand rested on the sill, another taking hold of her chin and lifting her gaze towards him, “Look me in the eyes and tell me that.” There was a long pause as he waited for her reply. Something about the way Joohyun was holding his gaze was telling him that yesterday’s demands were not a case of momentary lapse of judgment on her part but something deeply rooted.

No doubt, it was a confirmation for him.

A knock came that they were both pulled back to reality. Yuri opened the door and peeped in. She was silent for a second thinking to herself if there was a need to apologize for the interruption but decided against it. Instead, she smiled and announced, “Kids, I’ll be on my way.” Her sister just nodded so she addressed Yonghwa, “Why don’t you two go out?”

“We will…” Yonghwa smiled.

“Okay, just don’t stay out too late. I’ll be taking extra shift today so I might be back much later this evening. Take care of her.”

He nodded. When the door shut quietly, Yonghwa dropped a hand on her shoulder and tapped it gently, “Get ready. I will wait for you outside.”

If he was Shinwoo, where would he take Joohyun? That question played in Yonghwa’s mind while he was waiting for her but nothing interesting came. After a few minutes, Joohyun emerged from her room in a black and cream long-sleeved dress. “Ready?” He asked with a smile and she nodded but returned to her bedroom leaving the door open.

Yonghwa shut his eyes and took a heavy breath. This was probably the hardest playing Shinwoo’s part. The night before, Yonghwa asked himself if Shinwoo would ever request him to do this—if it was him that died and not Shinwoo, maybe… just maybe, he would want his brother to do the same for him.

His last recollection of last night was asking Shinwoo for a sign if he really want this to happen and nothing peculiar happened so he resorted to Joohyun’s reply. Yonghwa told himself that if Joohyun agreed, then Shinwoo would have too.

Eventually, he followed Joohyun in her bedroom and found her in front of the dresser tying her hair with a black ribbon. The smile she was wearing as a glance passed his way was making his heart race. Yonghwa stood behind her touching the tip of her ponytailed hair then grinning at her reflection on the mirror. Her expression was calm and composed, her every movement was almost lazy like she was stalling.

“Where would you want to go today…” Yonghwa finally inquired maintaining an eye contact then continued rather softly, “…Sunshine?”

The hint of surprise did not escape his attention but she immediately dropped her gaze. However, she looked back at him again so he gave her a little smile as if encouraging her—as if reminding her of what they were doing.

She smiled back when he tipped his head lightly. Then, she nodded at his reflection on the mirror. Somehow, it felt better looking at him there than facing him directly. “I want to go to school,” she replied.

His forehead scrunched in confusion, “School? But it’s Sund—alright, let’s go to school then!” Yonghwa beamed then it trickled into a tender smile as his gaze dropped on her hand. Getting hold of her wrist, he gently tugged it until she was facing him. “Today… okay?” He said hoping she grasped what he meant.

That day he was willing to trade places with Shinwoo. That day Shinwoo didn’t die—Yonghwa did. That day Yonghwa will be Shinwoo for her.

Only for that day. He was hoping it would be the last.

Joohyun nodded and managed to utter despite herself, “Okay… today.”

~~~

Almost an hour had passed since they left the house and dropped by a bakeshop for a quick breakfast and they went to school. Pulling a few strings, and secretly a few thousand won, Yonghwa managed to get the keys to the library and the auditorium. Because of the unpredictable weather that day, the students who would still have their meet ups even on a Sunday seemed to have taken a break. Thus, they managed to roam around freely without bumping into anyone they know. When they reached the library, they decided to just turn on the lights on the section where they would be staying.

If anything, Shinwoo never dared to do something as appalling as break-in’s. But then again, she asked Yonghwa to do just that and it made her realize all the other things he did for her. She sighed scolding and reminding herself that they were ‘pretending’. That made her even more uncomfortable especially since she had been watching him inconspicuously by her line-sight.

“I don’t see a lot of interesting stuff in the library...”

Joohyun threw him a glance and noticed how he was checking a book. She snickered. It was Shinwoo to a tee including that bored expression he was wearing. She crossed her arms on her chest and leaned on the bookcase to face him, “So, you find some stuff interesting? Name one…”

Yonghwa closed the book and reached out to touch some strands hair that escaped from her ponytails. “You… sunshine… are the only interesting stuff here…” He quipped with a sinister grin.

Joohyun groaned lightly facing the shelf again and muttered under her breath, “I shouldn’t have asked.” However, despite her attempt to indifference, the electricity his nearness caused her was still getting a good hold of her. She must shove thoughts like those off her mind.

No, don’t go there…

He was pretending to be Shinwoo for her only for that day. He was still Yonghwa and she was well aware of that.

His laugh while walking past her made her smile finally. If she doesn’t know the truth, she would really think it was Shinwoo. She took the books she was looking for and headed for the table they were occupying but it was empty so she resumed trailing along the aisles to look for him.

Finally, she caught sight of Yonghwa but his back was turned towards her and by the looks of it, he was flipping through a bound volume of an old magazine. With empty thoughts, she found herself watching him silently again until he carefully turned and caught sight of her. Joohyun felt her heart fluttered when he smiled at her.

“Did you get what you need?” Yonghwa asked as he placed back the book.

She nodded but shooting her glance past him afraid that he might notice her blush. Suddenly, as if her nervousness was not enough, Yonghwa slipped his fingers on hers and led themselves back into their place. How she wished they chose a closer table for her heart couldn’t really contain the feeling of having him hold her hand that way. But Yonghwa tugged her gently that she lifted her gaze towards him as they walk.

“You know, I have this fantasy of dragging my girlfriend in the farthest end of those bookshelves and make out with her for ten minutes…”

Her eyes widened by that declaration but she rolled her eyes when she realized he was joking again, “Argh… really…” She yanked her hand off his grip and grabbed the chair and took her seat. Yonghwa was still grinning like crazy as he sat across her and pointed a finger at her.

“And you are so lucky we’re alone… ‘cause it would be more thrilling with other people around. The thrill of not being caught!”

“Aish, shut up! I don’t like that joke…” Joohyun grumbled feeling a mix of irritation and discomfort. She dropped her attention on the open book before her.

“Arasso… I’m sorry…” he realized he crossed the line and he wanted so bad to kick himself, “Hey… I didn’t mean—“

“Okay, just…” Joohyun shook her head, “Just forget about it.”

“Still… I’m sorry…” he apologized again but she ignored him completely, ‘Way to go, Yonghwa!’ he scolded himself. The mood turned upside down because of his foolish display of excitement.

They didn’t speak more and he thought that it was really over until she suddenly flashed him a smile after a few minutes, “Oppa, can I take some books? I’ll return them to you this week and you can bring them back here, if that’s possible.”

“Uhm… okay?” Yonghwa managed to nod. He was astonished not by the fact that she wanted to sneak out books but Joohyun just called him ‘oppa’ when they were supposed to be pretending. Maybe, it slipped off her mind and he didn’t say anything more to correct or remind her.

They stayed in the library for a couple more minutes before they decided to go to the auditorium. While they were walking through the hallway, she was telling him about her father and her little step-brothers. Yonghwa remained mum fearing that he might say stupid things again despite the obvious signs of her losing all the hints of agitation he caused her awhile back. He liked it even more especially seeing the sparkle and the little laughs she would have.

Joohyun got excited when they reached the auditorium and found the grand piano was still on the stage. Secretly, it was one of the things she wished she did with Shinwoo— to have one crazy afternoon of missing a class and sneaking in the auditorium in the dark to talk and kiss probably. She smiled upon recalling. She felt suddenly silly all over.

But, she will never ever have that chance again.

And then, here was Yonghwa holding her hand as they skipped towards the stage.

“Play something for me…” he demanded but Joohyun was already pulling the bench and making herself comfortable. Yonghwa smiled as he took his seat beside her and watched her run her fingers along the edges of the fallboard before finally lifting it gently. Pulling her gaze up to meet his, she smiled as if cuing that she was going to start so he nodded.

The gentle smile never left her face as her slender fingers pressed on the keys ever so carefully as she played Beethoven’s Sonata No. 8. The sound filled the air and gave him a shudder— the good kind of shudder. She was beautiful. Joohyun has always been this beautiful, from the moment he saw her smiling at the park for the very first time and even on that night she broke down and declared how much she loves his brother.

She’s beautiful and it was driving him insane.

He let his gaze fall on her fingers again because the more Yonghwa looks at her, the more his own wound was hurting.

“What are you most afraid of, Oppa?”

Joohyun broke the spell in his head when she asked. Her voice blended with the melody as she continued to play. His goosebumps intensified some more, she hasn’t called him Shinwoo—at least not yet, and the realization was making him even more uncomfortable. “What am I most afraid of? I don’t know… I am not really a brave person, but, I think I dealt with bad or worst things that came in my life rather— I don’t know, Joohyun.”

He stopped. He was supposed to be Shinwoo. What was Shinwoo most afraid of? He might not know the exact answer, only the trifle ones— he will never have the chance find out either. Finally, he managed to lift his gaze back at her serene face, “You? What are you most afraid of?”

“The future…”

Joohyun stopped playing abruptly as she focused her attention to him. The sad smile melted from her lips when she sighed. And then, she beamed with the shimmer returning in her eyes, “Do you know how to play?”

And then,Yonghwa understood. It was time to play their game again.

“Yes but my skills are rather not on par with yours…” he winked and playfully nudged her, “How can you do things so perfectly well, sunshine?”

“Aish! Just play… you talk too much,” she grinned and scooted a little for him to get a better position and all Yonghwa could do but roll his eyes and took control of the piano.

“Seo Joohyun,” he cracked his knuckles animatedly then pointed a finger at her, “Listen….” With that, he turned his attention to the piano.

He started. It was her turn to watch his fingers delicately weaving tunes that had easily allowed her to get lost to his music as it bounced around their hollowed reprieve. If this was Shinwoo, then sitting there beside him was something she never dreamed of having ever again.

“What’s it called?”

“Always With Me.”

“Hmmm… always with me…”

Her eyes closed and ever so gently, her head fell on his shoulder and, with only one tiny jerk, Yonghwa relaxed and continued playing.

If only time would stay still for her—for them. If only these were real and not a borrowed moments. But she didn’t want to dwell on those if-only’s. Instead, she just wanted to get drowned on his presence, his scent, the softness of his shoulder, the gentle way he was playing the piece—the mere thought of having him there beside her. No words are needed; no action larger than this could ever replace the notion of having her love beside her that way.

She was never given a chance to prepare; nobody is ever given that chance.

Shinwoo never said goodbye to her.

And, she needed that goodbye.

Only when she sniffed that she realized she had been crying. But, her gentle tears were not out of pain. She was crying but she didn’t bother to dry her eyes.

Suddenly, it was done. His soft movements were halted and Yonghwa remained still. Closing his own eyes, Yonghwa smiled. If he was Shinwoo, he would be very contented being there and breathing in her scent—her perfumed hair that would probably leave this mist on his shirt. He was silent, feeling her nearness and, at the same time, giving her time to compose herself and only when she lifted her head and sat up straight that he turned to her, “I love you…”

The words just slipped out of his senses. It surprised him but not her.

It was Shinwoo talking, and most likely not.

Joohyun didn’t meet his gaze but she nodded accepting his words. And silently, she closed her eyes as her lips moved, “I love you, too…”

That was all and nothing more.

……………………………………

thanks Yana for the suggestion :)

Thanks for the comments and belated Happy OTP Day, shipmates~!!!!

~Lyra^^

and ooohhh preview….

Chapter 30. Reckless

“She asked, ‘You are in love, what does love look like?’

To which I replied, ‘Like everything I’ve ever lost came back to me.’”

— Nayyirah Waheed

Finally, Yonghwa gently removed his mouth from hers but nipped on her lower lip before completely moving an inch away. His thumb caressed her cheek as they both gaze at each other. "Mian—"

Joohyun shook her head. “Don’t say it…”

“You do realize that it was me you were kissing…”

Joohyun’s focus darted up for a second before grinning at him, “I don’t see anybody else around.”

“This jashik…” Yonghwa smirked catching her hand and holding it close to his chest.

Joohyun stared at her hand securely pinned where she could feel the loud tap-taps of his chest. So she was not alone on her frenzy. Meeting his gaze one more time, she finally confessed, “Today, Oppa, I decided to be reckless…”