Chapter 11. The Rewind

“To love is to be vulnerable.”

― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

Looking closely at him was like looking at someone else. Watching his expressions changed. Watching the surprise, watching the alarm.

Someone entirely different.

Something was totally wrong.

“Ohh yeah… I-I’m sorry, I was…”

Joohyun hid the sudden nervousness that rushed through her by taking a sip from her glass of cold water. She closed her eyes for a moment then turned towards the waiter, “I’m sorry, can I just call you a little later when we have decided? Thanks.” When the server was gone, she turned to him and asked worriedly, “Is there something wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong, it just completely slipped out of my mind…”

“Okay…” She nodded but her eyes never left his as if trying to recognize the person in front of her. A cold wind seemed to crawl from her nape down her spine. Her jaws tightened pushing away those impossibilities. Only when he reached out to touch her hand that she managed to give him a small smile.

“Really… everything’s okay, Hyun, nothing’s wrong…”

Hyun.

He never called her that. Somehow, she was missing sunshine on his lips.

Maybe it was just really her. Maybe she was as tired as he was.

Maybe…

But he suddenly looked different in her eyes.

“Why don’t you order for me?”

The man across her said so she nodded and called for the waiter again and asked for the spicy pasta with sweet potatoes for him. While she was still talking to the waiter, his phone rang.

The phone she couldn’t reach awhile back.

“Hey… how long? Okay… wait…” He spoke then looked at her, “I’m sorry, I have to take this…”

Stunned and confused, Joohyun watched him disappear among the decorative columns.

She was feeling more nervous than ever.

~~~

“She really loves me.” He told himself as he stood there hidden behind a curtain. Joohyun was seated by a window; her elbows plopped on the table, chin resting at the back of her hand. Her gaze lingered outside but worry and fear emanate from the side of her face that he was seeing.

Shinwoo smiled as he straightened his jacket and walked towards her. “I’m back,” he said cautiously and pulled the seat in front of her. “What is it?”

Joohyun stared at him. Watched him. Studied him. It made him all nervous.

“W-what happened?”

“What happened? I went to the restroom, you know? The usual stuff?” He just shrugged despite the tension.

She nodded but put a hand on her forehead, “Uhmm, okay…”

“Joohyuna, is something wrong?” He stiffened as he watched her shook her head and smiled.

“No… no… I’m just…”

Joohyun is perceptive. He knew it was a mistake but he just did that to avoid upsetting her. “I’m sorry…”

“Sorry for what?”

“Nothing… you look… bothered…”

“No, don’t mind me.” She shook her head again unable to meet his worried look. It must be a stupid thought because she couldn’t believe it nor even explain it deeply to herself.  The past few minutes seemed nothing but a blur. She had this similar feeling for several occasions but they were nothing but fleeting ideas.

It was only this moment that she paid attention.

What’s going on?

Shinwoo touched her hand when he noticed that she was spacing out again, “Hey, sunshine…”

Joohyun gulped. She finally looked at him. It was him, really him. “I’m thinking too much, aren’t I?”

“Maybe?” Shinwoo gave her a small smile hiding his own apprehension. “What are you thinking about?”

“I’m not sure either.”

“Please warn me if we’re sidetracking to an intelligent conversation.”

It’s you. “Why is that?” She could feel her lips finally curving in a smile.

“My brain needs to load first.”

“Okay, I won’t give you a hard time.”

“That’s a comforting thing to say.”

“I miss you…”

“I miss you more…”

She watched his solemn expression. The gentleness in his eyes when he would say those truths to her could just calm her raging heart. How did he manage to get inside her that fast? She, who thought that this kind of feeling only happened to a few. She saw that in her parents. She knew that love could be far-fetched, but here she sat beside this man who had forced this feeling in her— the feeling that she has now fully accepted.

Love.

Joohyun knew that she loves Shinwoo, unexpectedly.  “Don’t ever go away from me…”

“It will never happen, sunshine…” he smiled and traced her jaw line with his thumb for a second, “Do you know that after the Japan earthquake the earth’s day is shortened by 1.8 microseconds?”

“Ohhh… okay???” The suddenness of it almost made her laugh.

“Nothing, it suddenly came to mind… just somebody told me.”

“An old girlfriend?” she raised a brow pretending to be affected.

“No, not… a girlfriend…” Shinwoo laughed as he shook his head. “Why so sudden?”

She snorted, “Because you suddenly mentioned it…”

“I just remembered…”

“So, why did you mention it?”

“Hmmm… because we need to spend time with each other. Every second of it, as much as we can…”

Joohyun nodded, “Okay… I like that…”

The moments she gave that genuine smile, he knew that she had finally relaxed. Shinwoo, too, felt guilty and he vowed that it would be the last time they would do it.The deception shouldn’t have become a habit but he feared that if he didn’t do them, he might easily lose her. In time, he would explain everything to her— his childish acts and the person he dragged with him. He smiled focusing on the girl in front of him, “How about the Pythagorean Theory, do you remember?”

“Does it have a significant meaning too?”

He shrugged, “No, nothing… just asking.”

She laughed again. Somehow, her fears got lost along their laughs but it was still there. The confusion and the doubt were all there inside her and she hoped that she was worrying over nothing.

The night went on as usual, like the moments of uncertainties weren’t there at all. Shinwoo was his old crazy self and it made her feel more relaxed and happy to just be spending the time with him. They talked about the days they were away from each other. They talked about the significant people around them. They talked about the trip to the countryside for the coming weekend.

They talked about her plans of taking a trip to Bali, just her alone. Shinwoo felt bad but it was okay, Joohyun is a free soul and he knew that he couldn’t just tie her down because it might only cause her to hate him.

They talked about his frustrated dream of being a professional singer. She did try to cheer him on— told him that he must try and send some demo songs to record companies because he sings well but he just laughed it off. Shinwoo said he made a new dream since he had her around.

Joohyun could do nothing but shake her head whenever her boyfriend would overindulge her on his mushiness.

Instead of going straight to her house, they walked around the park in front of their apartment building for a little while. The night was getting colder but they didn’t seem to mind it. They talked for a bit but often they were silent until she decided to finally go home as her sister was due to be back any time. Shinwoo held her tight and kissed her cheek then started aiming for her lips. She snickered as she gently pushed him away.

Disappointed, he pouted exaggerating his disappointment, “What’s wrong? I thought we’re on the kissing stage already.”

The expression he was wearing made her laugh, “You can’t get too many of it. Once is enough.”

“Err? When did you kiss me?” Shinwoo raised a brow then stopped— stunned by the same surprise that washed through her. Kiss. She kissed him. He hid it behind a big grin, “Ani… I’m kidding, yeah, once is enough? I got it.”

There it was again. Despite him beaming at her, his eyes gave him away. One day, she will ask. One day, she will confirm it. But this time, she smiled and tiptoed, holding on to his shoulders for support. Joohyun pecked a kiss on his cheek.

“Hmm… that would do, I think.”

“Pabo…”

“Joohyuna, what makes you love me? Why do you love me?”

“Why are you asking mushy stuff again? You’re making me cringe.”

“I just want to know, okay? And you answer a question, not ask another one back.”

“Alright, alright,” she rolled her eyes, “Maybe it’s just your mere presence— physically or not… like I’m thankful that you are here in my life. Just being with you, walking side-by-side, talking, playing, being silly with me… or just sitting beside you in class, or talking to you on the phone, or chatting with you. Just knowing you are there.” She smiled as she met his eyes, “The weird thing is you annoy me so much and I get so mad at you. But, at the end of the day, I couldn’t stay mad for too long, I don’t know why I love you… I don’t know maybe? Why I love you? I just do… and uh, you’re kind of adorable…"

Shinwoo smirked, “Just kind of adorable… hmmm.”

~~~

She stared down at the two walking unhurriedly from their apartment. From that distant, she could tell that they were holding hands and was a bit surprised when they stopped walking and Shinwoo seemed to be on the act of getting a kiss from her sister but the latter pushed him away. Yuri smiled.

She wasn’t at all worried about Seohyun or the thought that it wasn’t a good idea for her to finally have a boyfriend. It was something she must experience.

Young love.

Yuri had her share of that and looking at them now made her remember him. How long has it been? Five years ago? They were both freshmen and got too caught up with the demands of medical school that they just drifted apart.  She only learned from a common friend that he continued his studies abroad. She still thinks about him most of the time, usually when her body is at rest while her heart is not.

She pushed the curtain back when she noticed them finally trailing the way to the entrance.

Shinwoo looked decent enough for her sister and she was glad that his personality makes up for her sister’s seriousness. Hopefully, the two could make it for a really long time, or better if they are really each other’s destiny.

~~~

“Come on! Get up, we need to go!” Joohyun retorted while attempting to pull both his hands for him to stand, but Shinwoo lifelessly remained on the floor and struggling to remain there all for her annoyance. “Aish, you lazy person! We’re wasting time!”

“But I love wasting time with you…” he grinned silly.

“Ya…” she finally slumped beside him but gently tugging his hand, “Come on, please?”

“Five minutes? Really, I’m sleepy… I can’t drive like this…”

“Alright…” she sighed as she watched him grin and close his eyes. She folded her legs and closed her own eyes. After all, they both slept late after talking on the phone until three in the morning. That day, they planned to go on a picnic somewhere. Shinwoo wouldn’t disclose where.

“Joohyuna, let’s write a story that we would love to read and re-read as if we didn’t write that ourselves.”

His eyes were still closed while he spoke and it made her smile silently, “You say the most random things sometimes.”

“That makes me unique. You can’t find anybody like me.”

“Is that a good thing?”

“It is, of course,” Shinwoo finally looked up at her with a playful whimper, “It’s this charm that captured you…”

“But who knows somebody else’s charm would capture me. What would you do then?”

“That won’t happen. I’m the only one for you…”

“No, seriously. What if I fell in love with someone else? Would you let me go?”

He looked at her squarely as if waiting for her to take back that question and when she didn’t, Shinwoo sat facing her, “I will find a way to make your lives miserable. I will make sure you wouldn’t even afford to smile…”

“What?!” her eyes widened. The way Shinwoo was holding her gaze made her nervous so she snapped gently, “Ya, it’s just a hypothetical question… don’t get too worked up about it…”

“Why do you have to bring that up?” He grunted. “Alright, but really who would be happy? I won’t give you up; I will fight for you even if you don’t want me to… I will get you back whether you like it or not.”

“Wow, that’s selfish…”

“Call it selfish, but I would just fight for what I believe is mine.”

“So, I’m like a commodity, an object to possess.”

“No… not an object to possess but a heart to claim as my own.”

“Aish, get up and stop being mushy…” Joohyun finally stood and grabbed her bag while he followed behind. “I’m getting too much dosage for today.”

“Our day has just started, sunshine,” he laughed.

“Thanks for the heads-up.”

Eventually, they made it to the car and thankfully for her, Shinwoo managed to calm his excitement. Joohyun relaxed on her seat and watched him drive. Despite how his eyes focused on the road, that tiny Shinwoo-smirk remained on his lips. His hands on the steering wheel were gently piloting the car, and his feet relaxed on the ground. The feeling of security just by watching him like that amazed her. She has always been a self-sufficient person; even with Yuri around, she knew she could make it on her own. But having him suddenly come to her made her realize that she wasn’t that strong. She needed someone like him to lean on, to lead her and to show her the other side of the world she failed to see before.

“I know… I know… I look gorgeous.”

Finally, she laughed and peeled her gaze off him, “Who made you believe that lie?”

“You…”

“Na?”

“Yes, you… the way you silently watch me. You do that a lot lately, as if you can’t get enough of me,” Shinwoo took a quick look at her with a playful wink.

“Oh, come on… I’m just worried you’re not handling my precious baby with care.”

He laughed again, “Liar. And I won’t risk driving fast just to show off, sunshine.”

“Fine then, I can trust you… I think.” She shook her head in defeat and turned to watch the line of trees from her window but a warm touch fell on her hand. Looking back at him, she smiled and entwined her fingers to his.

“When we were on our way to the countryside for the project, I imagined driving while holding your hand like this.”

“Silly…” she chuckled and playfully tugged his hand, “It’s dangerous using one hand.”

“Sunshine, I told you before… I will never do anything that could harm or hurt you. You said you can trust me, you must start doing it right now.”

“Alright…” Joohyun settled on her seat and playfully rubbed his hand between hers.

“Are you getting bored?”

“Hmmm… maybe?”

“Let’s play this game then. We ask each other question. If I get the wrong answer you can give me a flick on the forehead, if you get the wrong answer I can kiss you.”

“Heol… you and your stupid games,” she rolled her eyes despite the fact that he wasn’t looking at her. “You can’t kiss me, you’re driving.”

“I shall claim them later when we get there.”

“Issshhhh, I don’t want to.”

“Aish, my girlfriend is no fun.”

“Then find another ‘fun’ girlfriend.”

“Ya, palli!”

“Arasso!”

“Okay, I’ll start,” he said thoughtfully at first then grinned, “Easy one, it’s a warm up question: Who do you love the most?”

She raised a brow and patted his hand, “Okay, since I can’t afford to have wrong answers. I love Shinwoo the most.”

“Like you don’t like my kisses,” he snorted.

“Whatever.  My turn, where did our first meal together happened?”

“Easy! hahaha at the countryside while doing our research.”

“Deng! At the fastfood chain with the gang.”

“Uwah, you remembered.”

“Accumulated wrong answers,” she smirked and pointed a finger at him, “Prepare your forehead.”

“Just you wait…” he responded confidently then continued slowly, “Prepare your lips.”

“ert!”

“I’ll go easy on you,” he winked, “The first time I saw you… when and where?”

She smiled and turned to him, “You don’t have anything much easier than that?” That day she remembered well enough. It must be the love-at-first-sight they were talking about. The randomness of the moment— the spark of that single instant that she must have recognized in her heart that he would be someone who would matter in her future at that time. “I can’t remember the exact day but it was a few days before school started… at the park.”

Shinwoo took a quick look at her, “Deng! At Professor Kim’s class! At debate!”

“Oh? No! I saw you at the park and you saw me too, you even smiled at me!”

There was silence. Suddenly, the same feeling of nervousness enveloped her. What happened? Why that feeling of uncertainty again? Joohyun could only see that side of his face, so none of his expression could give him away.

It was either he really couldn’t remember or—

“Okay… okay… this isn’t really a fun game.”

Shinwoo said casually but the slightest movement of his jaw didn’t escape her sight—especially when he finally slipped his hand off hers and settled on the steering wheel.

But she could just be making her own demon.

Joohyun looked on her side of the window. She still remembered that afternoon. It was like an automatic button has been switched on her brain because she could remember that time fairly well… like she has been there over and over again.

Repeatedly.

Like a favorite scene in a movie she would replay repeatedly.

Repeatedly.

~~~~

It was an unfamiliar place— she has never been there before. She has never been ill at ease of being in an unfamiliar place so she couldn’t understand the alarm she was feeling.

The fear was tightening in her chest. The fear was making her legs feel heavier to carry as she ran.

She was running. She didn’t know why.

All she knew was she was running after Shinwoo.

Shinwoo.

He was ahead of her— walking simply.

How ironic that he was treading the unknown path leisurely while she was breathless as she sprinted to get to him. But no matter how fast she tried— no matter how loud she called out his name, he never seemed to notice.

Her feet took her at the end of the path, with nothing but an old log connecting the land she was stepping on to the other side where Shinwoo suddenly disappeared in.

Shinwooooo!

She heard herself call out his name.

Shinwoooo!

But there was no answer.

Underneath was a rushing brook. There was nothing to hold on to. The log looked green with moss. It would be slippery; there was no need to prove that.

But there was no other way.

One step.

Two steps.

The sound of the water.

The gushing wind.

Joohyun took another step. Her legs trembled. The log shook.

The wind shoved her forward.

She was ready to take her fall.

A warm touch on her wrist brought her back to the ground.

She looked up.

Shinwoo.

She looked on the other side of the path.

“Hyun…”

It wasn’t her Shinwoo.

………………………………………………….

Hello~ 

First of all, thank you for the comments on the previous updates and even on the preview. As I’ve said, Kismet (book 1) is ending last 3 updates more and we will be on the second book hehe… so we’ve decided to put hmmm spoilers for the next book on the previews just… because… hehe…

Anyway, please anticipate more, I don’t know… hmmm… confusions? hehe but slowly slowly you’ll see the big picture…. most of you are seeing it now, I noticed.

To Ate Raine, thank you so much for the best compliment I’ve ever gotten… wow… it may be very simple but  really (( Okay hehe… sorry for being emotional XD

Going back to Kismet… hehe… just a little  trivia… Kismet is the most challenging thing I’ve ever written so far (oh, next to my undergrad thesis, ofc) When Ysa (celuici) and I plot (yes, up to this point we are still plotting this story) I always get this oh-my-god-what-exactly-are-we-doing feeling haha it’s just too complicated that even us become seriously baffled by the turn of events lol… but we both love this story because it’s just too… uhm… complicated and wonderful (by our own perspective) hahaha anyway enough of my blabbering ^^ please let us know what you think…

And lastly, if you want to continue ‘listening’ to my blabbering (hehe) Clumsy is featured again in this kpop fics blog ran by Phim (starforme)Timevault… it’s the audio reading thing I did for one of my stories on AFF….

Okay, that’s it…

See you next update!

~Lyra ^^