kismet's joohyun and yonghwa in this chap:

credits to the owner of ^ image =__=

Chapter 21. Disillusion

she reminded me of the sea;

the way she came dancing towards you,

wild and beautiful,

and just when she was almost close enough to touch,

she’d rush away again.

— Glenda Millard

“Joohyun…”

“Joohyunie…”

She opened her eyes and found her sister looking at her and felt her warm palm on her cheek. Only when she looked up that she became aware of her surroundings.

The bright light of the ICU. The strong smell of medicines. The steady hums of the machine.

She was still in Shinwoo’s room.

“Yonghwa called me and said you were here. He had an emergency call from his grandmother’s house so he rushed there and told me to get you here.”

Joohyun tried to open but no words came out.

It wasn’t a dream.

She went back to that day.

Joohyun was awfully sure.

“Are you okay?” Yuri asked as her sister when she felt the way she was holding her gaze. It was like looking at someone who has lost her soul.

“Uhm, please take me back.”

“Okay…”

Joohyun was thinking how vivid everything occurred in her mind. The whole time her sister was preparing her bed, her mind was preoccupied with the thought of making sense of it all. She searched for every possible explanation on that ‘phenomenon’ but she couldn’t even decide where to start. It was like falling asleep in the present and waking up the very same day it happened— in the past.

Suddenly, she had this theory: the event didn’t happen that one time, maybe it happened many times only that she wasn’t aware that it was actually happening. Perhaps, if she could try it again, she could change the past. She shut her eyes tight. She needed to sleep and ‘go back. “Unnie, can I take a sleeping pill tonight?”

Yuri looked at her before nodding, “Yeah, sure…”

“Thanks…” She laid herself down and curled on one side of the bed. It was senseless—it was either she was imagining things or she was going crazy.

The second one was quite logical.

~~~

Yonghwa sighed as he opened the door. Despite the pain raking in his skull, he decided to see her since it bothered him that he just left her abruptly the night before. Armed with the basket of flowers and some fruits, he entered as quietly as possible thinking she was still asleep but Yonghwa found her perched on a chair near the window. Her legs were folded close to her and her arms rested on her knees. Joohyun was obviously engrossed or lost in deep thought that she didn’t seem to notice him glide across the room, depositing the basket and fruits.

“Hi,” Yonghwa finally stole her away from reverie that she looked up at him with a surprised look. “Good morning, how are you?”

“Hi…” Joohyun managed to say then forced a smile, “I’m… I’m the same as yesterday?”

“Ahhh…” Yonghwa nodded as he watched her dropped her feet on the floor and held on to chair for support. He rushed to her side when he realized that she was trying to stand then helped her on her feet. “Did you bring yourself here?” Indicating the corner where he found her.

“Yes, I succeeded trudging through the ten-feet distance,” she managed to smile as her body leaned on to him while he helped her to get back to her bed.

“Wow… good girl, I can’t wait to see you start break dancing.”

 “Let’s see what my therapist has to say to that.” She laughed but tipped her head towards him when she noticed his face,  “Oppa… are—are you okay?”

“Huh?” Yonghwa finally noticed Joohyun had been watching him closely.

“You look pale.”

“Oh, I didn’t get enough sleep. So many things to do and to think about.”

“Oh… take care of yourself too, Oppa.”

“I do take care of myself.” He smiled, “I should be telling you that. I brought apples. Do you want me to peel them for you?” Joohyun nodded so he walked to the pantry and washed the apples before cutting them.

Joohyun watched his back as he moved carefully about. Whenever Yonghwa was around, she felt secured and at ease like it was Shinwoo but not quite Shinwoo. It must probably a stupid thought and unusual emotion but none ever come so close to being normal than that. If it was Shinwoo, she’d probably have second thoughts of confiding the crazy event that she had been. But, it was Yonghwa—the one who would stay on the sideline and wait. Maybe it was a good idea; maybe she should really get it out of her chest or she might explode.

“Oppa…”

“Hmmm?”

“Can I ask you something?” Finally, she started and there was no going back.

With a plate of apples at hand, Yonghwa sat on the chair in front of her and placed the dish on the side table, “As long as it’s not about quantum physics, then fire away.”

“Do you think it’s possible to go back?”

“Go back? What do you mean?”

Joohyun watched his lazy eyes as he stabbed one piece of apple with the chopstick. “Go back in time…” Yonghwa stopped, his hand seemed to freeze then he looked up and met her gaze. He looked at her for so long like trying to process the words that she said. Joohyun sighed, “Time travel, Oppa.”

“If I believe in time travel?” Yonghwa darted his gaze on the window beside her while she nodded expectantly, “Hmmm, that’s a hard one. It hasn’t been proven so I can’t really tell.”

“What would you do if I tell you that I’m time travelling?”

“Is that a trick question?”

“No… no… I-I just want to know what you think…”

Yonghwa broke into a silent smile then raised a brow as if waiting for her to take back what she said. He contemplated for a moment then chuckled, “If you were then I’d probably tell you to get another MRI or CT scan.”

Color seemed to drain out of Joohyun’s face as it struck her. Her old self wouldn’t have believed that idea. Her face dropped on her cold palms as she started to cry out of frustration and desperation, “I’m s-sorry… maybe I’m crazy… I think I am… I’m going crazy… I-I don’t know what’s happening in my head and Shinwoo…”

Yonghwa felt a hard tug in his chest seeing her cry again, broken like a wounded animal left to bleed. He sat on the bed beside her and gently wrapped his palm on the softness of her wrist, “Hey… hey… I was just kidding, you’re not crazy. I’m sorry.”

“No… no… this doesn’t make any sense.”

“Joohyuna, Hyunie… hey…”

“I’m sorry… just forget about it…” She sniffed shaking her head, telling herself to stop crying.

“Listen,” he smiled then held on to her chin, “Hyun, look at me… please…  I believe you. Maybe if we want something so badly, we’re somehow given the power to get them. Or perhaps there was a message behind that...”

“No… I think I’m crazy.”

Yonghwa smiled and thumbed her tears away while she continued to sniffle silently, the gentle tears flowing down her pale skin. “No… you aren’t, you just love him so much. Stop crying now…” They fell silent for a moment.

She folded her legs up on her chest and her chin rested on her knees. It didn’t make sense— she knows it, yet she was there and nobody could understand it better than herself. At least, she was able to tell someone about it and Yonghwa was sensible enough to deal with that crazy thought for a normal person.

He said it probably happened because of a purpose. What if that purpose was for her to change it? Her body began to shake as she turned to him, “You’re right! Maybe I was time travelling so I can change the past! Maybe I had the chance to change it!”

Yonghwa stared at her unable to open his mouth to say anything. He just sat there and blinked obviously lost for words like Joohyun was talking in a foreign language.

“But I didn’t! I didn’t change anything… I should have! I want… I want to go back again. I want to see him so bad. W-when he was talking and walking… not this… this— he’s just sleeping.”

He pulled her in his arms the moment her voice got caught in . Joohyun cried again like she always did every after a conversation about Shinwoo. Yonghwa didn’t say anything because there was really nothing to say but he was sorry because there was no way around that big hole. Joohyun had become a big hole for him, something so big that he couldn’t ignore but something he couldn’t do anything about. Just walk around it— his big disillusioned hole.

Few minutes have passed; Joohyun was still cradled in his arms as he rocked her slowly. If only he could stay, even if he couldn’t be sure if his presence helped or made her worse, Yonghwa wanted to be close to her especially times like this. There were other things he needed to do—for her and Shinwoo.

“Hyun, I have to go… I will try to come here tomorrow, okay?” he felt her move her head on his chest in a small nod so he helped her down on her bed. Joohyun laid down but turned away so he placed a hand on her hip and patted her gently, “Try not to think about it first, but rest well, okay? You need to rest…”

Yonghwa walked to the door but stopped to look at her before turning the knob.

It was never a good idea.

~~~

The moment she opened her eyes Joohyun knew that she was back to that day. It wasn’t a déjà vu nor a nightmare. Confusion was still clouding her mind but she knew things were not as normal as she wanted them to be that day. She sat up, took her phone and with shaking hands, she dialed his number. “Thank goodness you answered!” She exclaimed.

“Good morning to you too, sunshine…”

“Hmmm… there’s something I need to tell you. Can you come here fast?”

“What’s wrong? Can you tell me right now? You’re making me nervous.”

Suddenly, she thought that it must be a bad idea to scare him because everything was still vague. “Ahh… sorry if it sounded like that. Hmmm… just come here. I’ll wait for you…”

“Okay, I’ll still hurry. I love you, sunshine.”

“I love you too, silly.”

Joohyun tried to calm herself, she had to remember what happened during that time. Somehow, she knew that something terrible was going to happen but she couldn’t remember the order of events or what exactly that event was. Her gaze fell on the door and only then she realized her sister was going to come and she did.

 “Oh, you’re up?”

“Ahh… yeah…” she found herself saying.

“I’ll be at work the whole day today. I’ll be home tomorrow afternoon.”

“Kay… try to get some naps.”

“I will! I love you.”

“I love you too!” she called out just when the door closed. It gradually occurred to her that, yes, she knew that she was time traveling but she could only remember the events that will happen a few minutes or seconds before they actually happen.

She must concentrate. She must focus.

Joohyun almost jumped to her seat the moment Shinwoo arrived. He was there right in front of her when she opened the door. She could almost cried in joy as she pressed her body into his in a tight embrace. “Oh, god, I miss you…”

“Huh? What’s wrong with you? You just slept, sunshine…”

She shook her head with her face still buried on his chest. “No… I miss you. It felt like forever you were gone.” Finally, Shinwoo was hugging her back and it was like the best moment of her life. She pulled away and studied him. The bad thing that was going to happen, something was telling her that it was going to happen to Shinwoo.

“Are you alright?”

“Y-yes…” she couldn’t understand. She wanted to tell him but did not know what to say exactly.

“You said there was something you have to tell me.”

“I-I don’t know…” Joohyun turned away and gestured for him, “Come inside…”

“Joohyun, what’s wrong? You’re acting weird.”

“Nothing… just forget about it…”

She brushed it off. One moment, she was sure as hell that there was something wrong. Snippets of events would flash in her mind but, the moment she involuntarily winked, they would all disappear like bubbles silently exploding.

The day went by too quickly and rather normal than her fears. The looming feeling intensified when Shinwoo asked for his leave.

 “Where are you going?”

“I need to accompany mom for her check up.”

“Check up? Is Umma sick?”

“No, just the yearly check up thing.”

“Can I go?” She suddenly blurted out. Maybe if she kept him close, she could be sure that nothing wrong would happen.

“Sunshine? Didn’t you say you’re going with the girls later?”

“Yep, we will buy dress for Yoona Unnie’s birthday but they can go without me. I want to go with you.”

“Ani… you’ll get bored there. Go with Sooyoung, you’ll enjoy it more.”

“I enjoy being with you too.”

“We are not having this conversation right now.”

Joohyun could tell that he was serious so she just nodded. She was probably being paranoid, “Fine, but take my car.” Joohyun bended over to get the key on the side table and threw it at him.

“Okay, don’t forget dinner tonight at halmeoni’s”

“Yeah, I’m buying a gift for her and your brother too. What do you suggest I should get them?”

“Whatever you like, or flowers for halmeoni. I don’t really have any idea.”

A flash of this basket of flowers came in her mind.

She was at it again.

Flowers.

“Sunshine? Are you okay?”

Shinwoo was watching her carefully. The hairs on her arms were still standing on their roots. She flashed him a smile, “Ahhh… nothing… I’m just…” she turned away from him soothing her arm then muttered absentmindedly, “Okay, I’ll figure that out later.”

Then she felt his hands on her shoulders as she was carefully spun around for him to see her. Joohyun smiled when Shinwoo bended down and pecked on kiss on her lips.

“Okay, where should I pick you up?”

“I’ll just call you.” She said as he took a step back and started gathering the books and notepads on the floor. Her heart was still in a rapid beating that she decided to just go to her room so he won’t notice how uncomfortable she was feeling that moment.

She paced back and forth but with empty thoughts.

The clock ticked. The sound was tugging in her chest, in synchronicity—

Synchronicity.

 She shook her head and walked to the dresser. Her hand found the brush and she absentmindedly started to run it through her hair.

“Aw hell…”

His voice finally stole her away from reverie that she cast a quick glance at him outside her bedroom door with his phone in his hand and back at the mirror, “Something’s wrong?”

“Ah nothing… I’ll go first…” Shinwoo shook his head as he walked and rested by the doorjamb.

“Okay, see you later…” She smiled looking at his reflection on the mirror as she brushed her hair.

“Yep…”

Shinwoo nodded but remained standing there. “What?” Joohyun finally dropped the brush and walked over to him.

“Nothing… I love you…”

That brought familiar butterflies in her stomach. She smiled, “I love you too, silly.” Joohyun dropped her hands on his shoulders and gave him a soft pat— understanding that nothing was everything she wasn’t saying herself. Shinwoo gazed at her silently lingering for a moment before he smiled. She knew he would kiss her and she would allow him.

They kissed— she kissed him with overwhelming feelings moving in and out of chest. The taste of his lips, his every movement, the hard pull on her back as she molded herself to him. She felt her arms embracing him closer that he could just melt in and she would never let go. Shinwoo tugged on her lower lip, biting it lightly that she moaned on his mouth.

It was different. This one was different and she was letting him make it different, putting it in this space beyond their unspoken boundary. She couldn’t tell how long it lasted. She got drowned on it for that moment until she finally felt him pushing himself gently away.

Joohyun opened her eyes when his lips parted with hers and witnessed this beautiful smile drawn on his face. Shinwoo smiled almost feverishly but started pecking little kisses on her cheeks and lips that she ended up groaning and protest as her eyes rolled. He laughed and before finally stepping back and gestured for the door.

“I better go.”

“Yeah, you better,” Joohyun, who was still catching her breath, nodded in agreement. Before he moved away, though, he pecked one more kiss and walked backwards as she hugged herself rubbing her arms when the room suddenly felt colder. Her back unconsciously falling on the doorjamb, she watched him until he reached the door. “Drive carefully,” She mumbled almost to herself.

~~~

The rest of the day happened like it was one of the most ordinary among the ordinaries but the fear was still there, growing and growing inside of her. She spent her afternoon with Sooyoung and later with their other friends. As time passed by, she couldn’t help but stare at the clock, ask what time it was, look how many minutes had passed. After a few hours, she stood outside McDonald’s as she waited for Shinwoo to pick her up. The basket of flowers rested beside her on the pavement while she cuddled the bottle of wine in her arms. It was the only thing Sooyoung could think of as she didn’t know what to buy herself. The familiar red car finally halted in front of her. Shinwoo got out and jogged towards her.

She had this unbelievable feeling of relief. Like she missed him so much. Like they hadn’t seen each other for years.

“Hi, sorry if I kept you waiting.”

Shinwoo dropped a kiss on her lips and smiled. She smiled back. She missed him.

He opened the passenger door for her but flashes of empty memory almost made her gasp. She didn’t feel like getting in the car. The throbbing in her chest intensified.

“Sunshine?” Shinwoo looked at her, concern written all over his face. “Are you okay?”

“Y-yeah, but can we? Can we—“

“Hey, you can’t park there!”

It was a police officer a few feet away but he was making his way to them.

“Yeah, sorry officer, we are just getting in.” Shinwoo bowed and pushed her gently in, “Come on, get in before we get his ticket.”

“Oh, yeah…”

After she got settled in and their gifts in the backseat, as he was about to start the car, Joohyun held on to his wrist, “Shinwoo, I don’t think—“

“I miss you…”

 “Me too… I miss you… I love you…”

“And I love you…” Shinwoo smiled reaching over and kissed her softly, then brushed his thumb on her lips, “I love you…”

~~~

Time.

It moves ever so slow that you just want to hit the fast-forward button.

Yet, sometimes, it is ever so fast that you can’t even imagine what just happened.

“I’m not feeling well…” she heard herself say as her gaze absentmindedly shifted from the speedometer to the fuel gauge. It was like looking at a clock— almost stationary clock, the needle pointing to this number and to that number repeatedly over a hundred times. She blinked away from the instruments then darted her gaze towards the dimming night sky. His grandmother’s house was located by the outskirts of town, in one of the gated communities with the magnificent views of their whole little town.

Because it was on a hilly spot, the road curved and zigzagged like a maze but the landscape around them was breathtaking that she couldn’t figure out where to focus, momentarily making her forget the weariness she had been feeling. Finally, they took another route, this time the tall thick trees on each side of the road were blocking the remaining sunlight that the headlight just illumined their path.

The flashes started. Her head pounded. It finally hit her!

Accident!

 “What?”

 “Shinwoo, stop the car! NOW!”

“I can’t… what’s wrong?”

He couldn’t. They were running uphill.

“Don’t worry, we’re getting closer.”

She almost gasped when he suddenly said that. She clearly remembered how it will happen.

No… no…

She repeated in her mind.

NO!

For a split second, Shinwoo turned to her with an assuring smile.

When she looked away, she saw it. The roadblock. He saw it too.

NOOOOO!

It was too fast that it was hard to remember how it all happened as the car flew and flipped over.

Existence.

Something hurt… then something felt terribly painful.

SHINWOO!!!!

It happened.

Joohyun managed to turn her head towards him.

Shinwoo looked at her and said something.

She couldn’t make out what it was but she knew he said something.

Shinwoo said something and she couldn’t…

Silence gripped her by the neck.

Time stood still.

The world lost its color.

It happened.

Again.

~~~

heyyyyy yooouuuu...

thanks for the comments always!

~Lyra:)