A/N: our very random crackship, (After School's Nana or Im Jinah) 

Chapter 24. Grief

“But grief makes a monster out of us sometimes…

and sometimes you say and do things to the people you love that you can't forgive yourself for.”

― Melina Marchetta, On the Jellicoe Road

NOOOOO!

It was too fast that it was hard to remember how it all happened as the car flew and flipped over.

Existence.

Something hurt… then something felt terribly painful.

SHINWOO!!!!

It happened.

Joohyun managed to turn her head towards him.

Shinwoo looked at her and said something.

She couldn’t make out what it was but she knew he said something.

And she knew, something was off… her neck craned to the other direction— towards the car window dented and shattered.

Her vision was blurry but she saw it—she saw him standing by the side of the road.

Shinwoo… no, it wasn’t Shinwoo.

Shinwoo was beside him, but there was someone else by the roadside who looked awfully like Shinwoo.

“Arghhh…” Joohyun gasped out of pain and surprise.

He was standing there and finally it dawned on her who it was.

And he was crying…

‘Why?’

‘How?’

Joohyun tried to open .

No sound came out.

Muted.

Silenced.

He shook his head and closed his eyes.

Yonghwa.

She remembered his name.

Flowers.

Silence gripped her by the neck.

It happened.

Again.

Too late. She couldn’t stop it from happening.

And then…

He wasn’t supposed to be there…

Time stood still.

The world lost its color.

Joohyun stared at the ceiling trying to make something out of that realization. Her body was shaking even though the room was not cold at all. She wiped the tears and forced herself to stand. The last thing she remembered being awake that day was Yonghwa sitting on their living room with the promise of leaving only when she fell asleep.

She opened the door only to see the rest of their unit in dire darkness and silence. By looking at the luminous hands of the living room clock, it made her realize that she slept for almost ten hours and the morning light would probably come breaking in about a few hours.

She sighed as she took her phone from her bed and dialed his number but her call was sent straight to his voicemail.

Why was he there? How did it happen?

Joohyun tried to recall more details of what had transcribed of her last travel and it proved to be as hard as the reason she could even do it. Could it be that she came out of her travel and fell right into an unconscious state or she has fallen asleep and her dream blended with what happened?

That could be the answer but she was still restless.

~~~

It had been two days that he had managed to drag his body on his bed and after that it seemed that he never left at all. Yonghwa rolled on his back and felt the terrible parchedness in his throat. Even opening an eye was already a struggle on its own so reaching out for a drink from the glass that was just a few feet away from his bed would take a great effort.

He sighed and it didn’t take long enough for him to fall back to sleep.

After almost an hour, he woke up again when a weight fall into his upper body then the warmth it provided seemed to make him even sicker but he found himself strong enough to pull himself up.

“Hey, baby…”

“Hmmm…” Yonghwa muttered as her voice and smell filled his senses, “Water… c-can—“ Then, he heard her giggle as he squinted his eyes to keep the sudden brightness away from his senses. Promptly, she was helping him to sit among the piles of pillows and sheets on his bed.

“Your grandmother called me to come here and check on you… you look terrible, Yonghwa-ya,” Im Jinah grumbled while she put the glass of cold water closer to his lips and she smiled when he took greedy sips. “Aigoo, what made you so sick like this?”

“Hmmm…” he just mumbled and laid himself back in his bed. It was a relief to finally able to drink and now all he wanted to do was to sleep again.

Jinah rolled her eyes but smiled as she finally kissed him softly on the lips but he turned away, “What’s wrong?”

“I‘m sick,” Yonghwa managed a small smile, his head was seriously pounding.

His complaint, though, was welcomed by her deaf ears as she just run her finger on his T-zone. “I don’t care…” she pouted.

“Do you want my flu?”

“No… but…” She bended down again, “I want your kiss…” She nibbled on his lips but he wasn’t responding. It was like kissing a dead log but it didn’t stop her from continuing until his phone rang. And it kept ringing until Jinah sat up and was about to reach out for his phone, “Who’s this impatient—“

Yonghwa took his phone before she could reach it and saw Joohyun calling again so he turned it off with resignation and grabbed the woman by the waist and pinned her on the bed. “Now, what do you want again?”

Jinah giggled.

~~~

Joohyun stared at her phone and sighed. She couldn’t even begin to count how many calls she made, and how many text messages she sent only to be completely ignored. It only made her feel even more worried and afraid that Yonghwa may have had enough of her drama that he was finally keeping his distance from her. She couldn’t make out of it but something inside her was still being stubborn. There was this dire need of talking to him—of seeing him.

She sighed at her own thoughts. After all, it wasn’t the first time that Yonghwa didn’t answer her messages but what transpired days ago made her feel edgy. She can never forget how that nightmare ended.

“Joohyun?”

Hyoyeon’s voice dragged her back to reality as she gave her full attention to the latter, “I’m sorry, Unnie. What were you saying?”

“I was asking you if you are still going to finish the remaining semester…”

“Yuri Unnie filed a leave of absence for me in school. I’ll try to ask my professors if I can earn points through self-study and do some extra projects so my subjects would be credited. If not, then I’ll just retake everything next semester.”

“Hmmm… hopefully they’d be considerate,” Hyoyeon said thoughtfully.

“I hope so too.” They met at the hospital cafeteria and Hyoyeon invited her to grab snack and the latter decided to keep her company while she waited for her own sister. Joohyun dropped her phone on the table giving up for the time being but her eyes lifted to the older girl across her, “Uhm, Unnie, I haven’t seen Yonghwa Oppa lately…”

“He’s probably running errands for grandma, we haven’t seen him for almost three days too.”

“Does he visit you often?”

“Yeah, every day if he’s not tied up in the office or at school,” Hyoyeon replied casually then met Joohyun’s eyes with curiosity, “It seems that Yonghwa has been visiting you a lot.”

‘Not anymore,’ Joohyun said to herself then nodded taking a sip of her lemon tea, “Hmmm…”

“They are really alike, huh,” she suddenly said. Hyoyeon found herself unconsciously studying the pretty girl who looked engrossed in her own thoughts. As the eldest child, she has always regarded her siblings as her own children sometimes and she could proudly conclude that she knows them better than their parents do. Growing up, Shinwoo and Yonghwa have almost always liked the same thing; same things; same people. And, that made her wonder. “Do you, uhm, sometimes see Shinwoo when you are looking at Yonghwa?”

Joohyun met Hyoyeon’s curious gaze. She opened to reply but she couldn’t put words into her thoughts and especially her feelings. Does she see Shinwoo in Yonghwa? Does she even acknowledge the difference?

“Uh… aniya…” Hyoyeon waved a hand with a playful smile, “Forget it… I’m sorry if that sounded off.”

“No, Unnie… that’s okay…” she shook her head because she didn’t want to be misinterpreted. It was better to answer that than leave their sister to wonder. “At first, it did—a lot…”

“At first? How about now?”

“They do look alike… but, I’m learning the differences every time.”

“Yeah, you’ll get the hang of it.”

Joohyun smiled but she remained contemplating. For the past weeks, Yonghwa became her shock absorber and it would even be obvious that she had become a burden to him. That day in the hospital where he lost control of his emotions was the turning point for him to stop bothering himself with her issues. She felt guilty and if given even a bit of luck, she wanted to talk to him and apologize.

However, there are so many things clouding her brain that she wanted to clear. Why was he there? Was it a dream that just merged into her ‘travel’? Should she even tell him that she saw him there? For a moment, she closed her eyes just to calm the sudden pounding of her heart.

She has so many questions and if she could tell everything that she has experienced to someone, that person would end up shaking his head. Worse, she could be taken for a lunatic.

~~~

“Why can you just tell her?”

“She doesn’t need to know it.”

“For Shinwoo again…” Sooyoung nodded, lazily toying with the stirrer of her coffee cup, “So you want to keep lying to her.”

“It’s not lying. There’s no point in telling her,” Yonghwa sighed. Every time he comes to meet Sooyoung, she won’t let a day pass without reminding him of something he had long ago discarded.

“There is. You’re in love with her—“

Yonghwa pushed his mug getting fairly annoyed, “She’s in love with my brother.”

“Is she? Or she’s thinking she’s in love with Shinwoo but it was you she fell for?”

“Stop. This is not one of the fanfictions you’re reading.”

“You both—you and Shinwoo— you wrote this dumb fiction and you had her believe,” Sooyoung’s voice raised a notch higher than normal. When she learned the truth, it pissed her off and the thought of her friend being treated like that was unacceptable for her. More so, that Yonghwa has been lying about his own feelings, “Tell me the truth, Yonghwa-ya, just how often did you meet Joohyun as Shinwoo?”

Sooyoung waited for a few seconds and clicked her tongue when Yonghwa’s eyes diverted away from hers. She knew that whatever he will say won’t be the full truth.

“Not enough for her to fall in love with me while I was playing my brother,” Yonghwa heaved another deep sigh.

“Maybe…” she nodded in acknowledgement, “But Yonghwa, she deserves to know the truth. And it’s you or Shinwoo who has to tell her that.”

“Then it’s his problem,” Yonghwa grabbed his mug and took a little sip before putting it back in front of him, “Why do you care anyway?”

“Because you are my friend.”

“So are Joohyun and my brother.”

“More so that I should care,” Sooyoung quipped.

Yonghwa could tell that she was getting pissed herself so might as well push it some more, “Grandma wants me to accept a position at Jinah’s family’s company. She said it's good to prepare me for the future.”

“What?!” Sooyoung’s eyes widened in disbelief. She’s acquainted with the woman and although she has nothing against her, the idea doesn’t sit well on her. They all knew how his grandma has been trying to pair up the two and it has even been a standing joke that one day Yonghwa would yield to their matriarch the same way his uncles did. “You do know where it’s leading, right?”

He nodded, “I always know it will happen.”

“Then you’re just going to let it happen?” She clicked her tongue again when Yonghwa looked ill at ease but didn’t give her an answer, “What are you going to do about that?”

“Think. That’s all I can do right now... but, she’s not bad. I’ve known her for a long time.”

“What? You are actually considering marriage?”

“Eventually,” he shrugged, “Who knows?”

“I didn’t think you’re this dumb. You’re just another puppet.” Sooyoung sneered in an obvious disgust then she eyed him seriously again, “Wait, is this your way of giving up your feelings for Joohyun?”

“My feelings for Joohyun?” Yonghwa's lips twitched with sarcasm, “When did I ever tell you that I have feelings for her?”

“Every time, duh,” Sooyoung rolled her eyes then continued when her friend just shook his head, “Yes, genius, you don’t need to say it because it shows.”

“Stop.Reading.Fan.Fictions.”

“Get.Real.” Her own thoughts made her laugh out loud, “Funny, get real… huh? You have been faking for so long since you realize that you and your brother were in love with the same girl.”

“Ya, do you really have to say these things while my brother is fighting for his life this very moment?”

“Yeah, I have to be like this to prepare you once he wakes up and the real battle starts, Mr. Rocket Scientist.”

~~

“Joohyunah…”

“Hmmm…”

Joohyun mumbled still being dragged by the deep sleep she was almost having until Yuri shook her harder.

“Hyunnie… wake up…”

“Unnie…” she finally pushed strands of hair curtaining her face and pulled herself up carefully. Half-awake, she tried to open her eyes and focus on her sister. “What time is it?” Joohyun scratched her eyes and wondered why her sister didn’t answer. All of a sudden, her heart beat stronger than normal so she took a deep breath as if it could calm the rush she was feeling. Fully awake now, Joohyun stared at her sister’s bloodshot eyes.

“Un…nie…” Yuri had been crying, and somehow, Joohyun knew why.

“I’m soooo… so sorry, baby…”

Her Yuri Unnie just burst into tears and she got pulled in her very tight embrace; right then, she knew.

Joohyun knew. She just knew. Joohyun detached herself from her sister and lay on her side facing the open window.

He’s gone. The throbbing inside her chest didn’t falter at all—though, it only intensified. However, she could only care less and tears hardly came. Joohyun couldn’t breathe—but that was it, nothing more.

Just like that, it was over. Shinwoo left her. He left her just like that.

“Joohyun—“

“Leave me alone please…” She swallowed what was caught in as she stared at the open window.

Just like that…

Nothing more… nothing more…

~~~

Yuri was in the middle of checking her patients when she was called for an emergency. The attending physician of Shinwoo that night responded right away and some other doctors where there to assist but when she came, it was too late. He had another cardiac arrest but this time, they couldn't do anything anymore. Normally, she doesn’t cry during those kinds of event because it has been normal for everybody working in the hospital but her thoughts were suddenly taken to her baby sister who was probably sleeping that very moment. She cried silently on the little corner she dragged herself into until one colleague came to soothe her back and gave her encouraging words. She had known that boy for quite a while and she was a witness to how much he made her sister happy. They knew it was coming but Joohyun didn’t and Yuri knew it would devastate her sister.

She hugged the throw pillow tight but suddenly rose when she heard her sister’s door opening. Yuri was surprised to find Joohyun wearing a thick coat with a muffler wrapped around her neck, “Where are you going?”

“Just—“ she shook her head and smiled obviously forgetting what she was supposed to say, “I’m going to take a walk for awhile.”

“I’ll go with you…” Yuri scrambled to her feet to go to her room and get her coat.

“No, please… I’ll be fine…”

“Joohyuna, it’s past three in the morni—” She was not even done talking when her sister bolted silently out of the door. Yuri knew her sister wanted and needed that—to be alone with her thoughts and that was what she would do. However, she decided to follow her discreetly to keep an eye on her.

Yuri drove her car slowly as she tailed her sister on her way to the park. She didn’t expect Joohyun’s reaction upon hearing the news at all and it scared her some more.

A good distance away, Yuri watched her sister sat on one of the benches of the park. It was a cold night and she knew that even with her winter coat, her sister could be freezing but she didn’t show any sign of concern. After a few minutes, Joohyun rose and started walking again. Yuri kept her distance and watched her sister enter a convenience store and emerged with a plastic bag filled with whatnots. With that, Yuri decided to head back home and wait for her sister who was clearly on her way there.

“Where have you been?” She asked the moment her lifeless sister entered the house and walked straight to the kitchen.

“Just outside,” Joohyun smiled faintly and laid out the groceries on the counter, “I will make Tteokbokki.”

Yuri stared at her sister for a moment then nodded, “Alright. Need help?”

“No, I’m fine. Aren’t you going to rest?”

“Hmmm… I’m caffeinated.” She shook her head and noticed how her sister talked normally but seemed to avoid eye contact with her. Joohyun’s indifference was starting to worry her, “And I want to keep you company for awhile.”

Joohyun sighed and stopped to meet her sister’s gaze, “Unnie, you need to sleep… I promise, I’m ok—“ She bit her lower lip unable to continue. She couldn’t really say it because she knew she wasn’t okay at all, not every sense of the word could describe her. She doesn’t really like the look of sympathy on her sister’s eyes or the fact that she was obviously hovering all over her. Joohyun doesn’t really like to feel anything at all. Her eyes dropped back on the task at hand then smiled without looking at Yuri, “Okay, hang around for a bit so we can eat together.”

However, it was Yuri who lost it again. She bit her tongue, but there they were—her tears, too excited to get out. She moved away as if it could hide the truth that she was crying for her sister. Yuri turned her back on Joohyun and dropped her hand on the edge of the sink and cried silently. It was too painful seeing her sister looking so lost yet trying to look tough. Her body was shaking with the heavy pain she was still suppressing to let out. Stupid, she was feeling stupid when Joohyun was not crying at all but she couldn’t stop. Suddenly, she felt Joohyun moved closer to her, her arms snaking on her waist and her body fell on her back. Her sister was hugging her from behind as if it was her who needed the most comforting.

Yuri cried some more. The funny thing was that Joohyun didn’t cry at all.

~~~

It was the first day of the wake. His sister called him early that morning when the family was notified and he took the preparations upon himself since his parents were still shocked and too devastated to function. Thankfully, they were able to convince their father to lead the welcoming of the arriving guests at the funeral room of the hospital where his brother was brought.

Yonghwa hasn’t had any sleep yet and although his body has been complaining, he still couldn’t find the will to rest. They sent out the announcement by mid-afternoon to make the morning a time for their family to mourn quietly but other relatives were already informed, including Joohyun.

That morning too, Yuri came and expressed her condolences to the family but apologized that she didn’t let Joohyun go yet and managed to sedate her much to the latter’s displeasure. He could only wonder how she had taken the news.

He sighed and continued walking aimlessly until he reached the entrance of the hospital’s park. It was the only place he could think where he could be alone with his thoughts. Now that people were starting to pile up in the room assigned to his brother, he found the need to for stillness and quiet.  After all, he was not really in the mood for small talks but he mentioned to Hyoyeon where he was heading for awhile. The chilly late afternoon breeze was intensifying the chilly feeling he was having and the only way to succumb to it was to be on his own.

But then again, Yonghwa stopped on his track when he caught sight of a very familiar girl in a black dress occupying one of the benches looking up in the cloudy sky. Although he was basically right in front of her, she couldn’t seem to notice him and by the way she looked, she probably won’t notice anything at all. Yonghwa decided to make his presence be known so he walked closer until she finally let her gaze wonder in front of her.

“Hey…” he greeted that she answered with a half-smile. For a short moment, they just looked at each other until he took the space beside her and focus his gaze ahead of them, “Did you go in yet?”

Joohyun shook her head without looking at him and, in some way, he understood why. 

“I think it’s going to rain.”

He turned to see her eyes darting up in the sky. Until this time, she seemed to be denying reality and Yonghwa had learned not to push it to her. “No, with this wind, I doubt it. It might later, though.”

“Uh-huh…”

They went silent again. He didn’t know what to say so he stood and walked towards the pigeons who have found refuge on that quiet park— just like the two of them. It has been his own refuge for quite awhile now so he probably knows every nook and cranny of that place so it was easy for him to find the container of bird seeds the caretaker was keeping.

Joohyun watched him squatting on the ground throwing seeds to the birds that have started to gather around him. There was this pain in her chest, like every pain she was possibly having, knowing that nothing was every permanent—even him.

He stood and looked back at her with a tiny smile and gestured for her to go to him.  Standing beside him gave her that different feel— it was a mixture of fear and comfort; of uncertainty and clarity; of dream and reality.

Of then and now.

She cocked her head when he pointed towards a rock formation on one end of the park. Although it was obviously man-made, it gave off the feeling that you were somewhere near a river. Joohyun still couldn’t figure out what he was trying to show.

“That one…”

Finally, she saw it. That lone pigeon perched on one of the rocks looking down on the other birds clustered on the ground where he spread the bird food. He walked over to it but she hesitated thinking it might just fly away but it didn’t. It stayed on its place even after he started petting it.

“What do you think of this little guy?”

“He doesn’t want to join the others. Maybe he’s not hungry.”

“Maybe,” he nodded slightly then opened his palm to reveal some seeds then offered them to the pigeon on the rock.

Joohyun watched the tiny smile that played on his lips as the bird fed on his open palm.

“So, he’s hungry too… hmmm…. why didn’t he just fly down and eat with the others?”

“He has social issues,” she found herself grinning at the randomness she blurted out and found him smiling too.

Then he shook his head.

“Yeah…  maybe…” the bird was done eating so he just went on petting him again. Gently touching the pigeon’s head and running his fingers through its fragile body, “You see, the caretaker of this place wondered why he seemed to be distant from the others. When he would feed the birds, he would just come out to eat the leftovers. When the other birds fly, he just stays in one corner and watch. Ah, this lazy one—“

There was this certain loneliness in his eyes when he tilted his head and looked at her. It sent shivers down her spine. It left her speechless, more so when he looked back at the pigeon, gently spreading its right wing, and sighed rather loudly. The bird’s wing looked different somehow. The bone by its shoulder looked tinier than usual.

It was then Joohyun understood what he was trying to show.

“He's broken but nobody knew..."

She felt a tug in her chest. She couldn’t help but watch his empty smile… his pensive eyes.  That moment she wondered if he was broken too but nobody knew. Joohyun turned away and started heading towards the exit. Her Yuri Unnie told her not to go yet but she secretly sneaked out of the house and thought she could face it. It was wrong for her to be there because seeing Yonghwa made her realize that she wasn’t ready yet. For anything…

“Are you going in?”

She stopped when she heard his voice and felt him standing behind him. Her heart was beating so fast again that she needed to take a deep breath before shaking her head and without turning she replied, “No, I’m going home…”

“I can take you there.” Yonghwa watched her back. He had the sudden urge to touch her shoulder but he fought with the idea.

Joohyun shook her head.  She was about to take another step when she finally remembered something so she pivoted to face him squarely, “That one time… that day that you told me to move on, what did you mean?”

Yonghwa stared at her grim expression. Suddenly, he realized how her eyes looked heavy with those dark spot around them. Her face was a pale snow on a winter’s day that made her eyes and lips glimmer and they were giving her an almost ethereal reflection. He shook his head and focused on her question. Why did he want her to move on? Why, really?

“Tell me…” her voice crisp like the weather, “Please…”

Finally, he lifted his gaze from the ground back to her cold façade, “I see you grieving everyday… wasn’t it the right thing to say?”

Joohyun shook her head. She knew there was something else and she could tell by the way his eyes seemed to avoid hers. Yonghwa knew her secret—the fact that she could go back to that day over and over again. The thoughts led her to that confusion. Joohyun stared at him questioning herself if there was even a point asking him that. “I-I went back… the night you were at home with me. I saw you… you were there— when the accident happened—“

Yonghwa gaped. He thought she won’t remember. In the end, he regretted that but took comfort of the thought she might not believe what she saw.

She took a step back realizing his surprised look. He knew! Her body was starting to shake. It was getting harder to breathe. “Y-you weren’t supposed to be there! What is going on?! Why were you there? D-do you know??? T-that you were there?” Her hands seemed to move of their own accord and they fisted on his coat.

“Stop…” Yonghwa tried to take her hands off him but he was feeling weak. He shut his eyes tight. Joohyun has been very perceptive and he knew that. Everything was backfiring. Shinwoo’s blood-drenched face flashed in Yonghwa's mind and he shook his head vigorously, “S-stop it… I’m getting tired too…”

“What?” Joohyun’s hands dropped seeing the terror on his face—of the tears that were forming on each side of his eyes, “W-What do you mean?”

“I’m tired of seeing him fall into his death!” Yonghwa cried out loud, “I’m tired of taking him back there!! Stop making me go back there! Please!”

“What?" Joohyun sneered with derision, “What are you saying right now?! Tell me!”

He pushed the tears off his face and met the challenge on her eyes. There was no turning back, wherever it would lead. “It’s me who can go back, Joohyun… It’s me!  I was just taking you with me!”

Joohyun gaped in disbelief. She tried to come up with something to say—anything but words failed her as she continued to witness his wretched expression— the pain, and so much more. She shook her head, unable to believe anything. She hated that day. She hated being there.

“H-Hyun… Joo…hyun…”

She pushed away the hand that was trying to touch her as his face softened. His voice cracking as if making the screams of pain remain in his chest. “H-how…???” She managed to ask but she turned to follow his gaze when he suddenly looked past her.

“I-I’m sorry…” Yonghwa shook his head as he wiped his face with his coat and sniffed before looking back at her, "Look, I can't explain it to you right now, but I will... just... not here or now…”

With that, he sprinted away and Joohyun saw why. Out there by the entrance of the park was a woman who seemed to be looking for someone. Her face lit up when Yonghwa appeared before her and he went running to her open arms. Joohyun watched the two embrace tight for a short moment then the woman seemed to touch Yonghwa’s face to comfort him and she said something. At least, there was someone to comfort him.

It must be her. The woman he was talking about the other day. She’s beautiful despite the sadness her face was showing. She's beautiful and she looked like she's in love with Yonghwa.

Joohyun’s hands clasped her chest that was being wrung inside her ribs and there was a hard knot that formed in the depth of her stomach. But still, there were no tears—stubborn stupid tears won’t fall no matter how hurt she was feeling.

The two started to walk away but before they disappeared from her sight, he turned to look at her for a second then moved on.

She never felt so alone. So hurt. So broken. So confused.