Chapter 30. Reckless

“She asked, ‘You are in love, what does love look like?’

To which I replied, ‘Like everything I’ve ever lost came back to me.’”

— Nayyirah Waheed

It was already late afternoon when they left the auditorium. The weather was also starting to rebel as dark nimbus accumulated on the horizon and tiny droplets were like the welcoming party to an incoming hours of rain. Yonghwa took bigger steps since they have less than half a mile of open pathway to take before they could reach the university’s car park. However, he felt that Joohyun was not walking fast enough so he looked back and reached out for her. To his surprise, she just walked right beside him so he offered his hand again, “Ya, didn’t you learn it from kindergarten?”

“Huh?” Joohyun lifted a brow especially since he had that grin pasted on the sides of his lips.

Yonghwa moved closer to her and lacing her fingers with his, “When walking in the streets, hold hands and never let go.”

His touch caused her cheeks to feel like they were burning. She couldn't help but smile as she looked down on their hands between them. “Silly…” she whispered to herself while stealing a glance. He had sweaty hand and she thought her fingers might just slip away easily so she held it tighter. It was sweaty and all, but it didn’t really matter. It felt good, actually.

“You asked me awhile back about my fear. I’ll let you in a secret.” He nudged her playfully, “I’m scared of cats.”

“You’re scared of cats, Oppa?!”

Yonghwa took a deep sigh and stopped walking. Imprisoning her jaws on his palms, he beamed, “Come on now, sunshine! Stop looking at me as if I have dual personality disorder,” he winked and she understood. “Besides, you’d understand if you know the story behind it. Anyway, dogs are a lot nicer.”

“Tell me then.” She smiled when his hand slipped right back to grip hers. They resumed with their lazy walk towards the car park as he told her the story when Sunny brought in a stray cat in their house. The little fellow roamed around the house and found himself locked up inside Shinwoo’s bedroom. When he arrived home, a pair of tiny eyes glowed on top of his dresser. Because Shinwoo got the shocker of his life, he yelled so loud that the cat jumped right at him and scratched his arms. From then on, cats were nothing but nightmares coming to life.

She laughed as the image of her silly Shinwoo came to her mind. Then she smiled, “How about y-your brother? What is he afraid of?”

Yonghwa looked at her calculating his thoughts then turned his attention back ahead, “He’s scared of creepy crawlers.”

“Insects?”

“Uh-huh…”

“Most people are scared of insects, nothing spectacular about that.”

“And, uhhh, shrimps… live shrimps,” Yonghwa added with a little shiver. Just the thought of it could make his hair rise. Then, he gave her one toothy grin especially when he realized how weird it was to talk about himself on the third person, “But he loves eating them. You know, just to get back at them?”

She laughed and remembered that he was a total opposite of Shinwoo who was allergic to shrimp. “Now, why would a fully grown man be scared of shrimps? That’s outrageous! Does it have a special back story?”

Yonghwa couldn’t help but admire the way she laughed. It was like the previous months did not happen at all. “No… none at all… he’s just scared,” he said in a serious tone. He was dying to ask her to laugh like that some more but he didn’t because she might feel uncomfortable again. “But to his defense, most of us are scared of things but these fears are just in the head. You know… like cats… and creepy crawlers…”

“And shrimps…” Joohyun rolled her eyes with a faked sarcasm.

Yonghwa snapped his fingers, “Exactly what I’m talking about!”

In no time, they reached the building closer to where he parked his car but they decided to stop because the wind suddenly blew stronger and the drizzle grew bigger. They stood by a shed in total silence as if the weather brought back their awkwardness.

Yonghwa sensed that it was a good idea that he allowed this day to happen—not only for her but for himself. He wanted this; he selfishly wanted this to happen because he would never know the feeling of being with Joohyun this way. With all honesty, there were moments that he wanted to cry especially when he was playing the piano. He caved in to the thought that he was in love with Shinwoo’s girlfriend even now… even before.

The thought that he kept hidden within the deepest recesses of his heart and his memory; the thought that he could never get away from.

But that was all there is to it. And, this is all the time he was willing to give himself to be with this girl he knew he could never get over. The girl who could probably never get over his brother—one of life’s greatest jokes.

And the joke was on him.

Yonghwa closed his eyes tight listening to the wind; listening to his heart.

Time. This time.

It started raining. She could hear nothing but the soft splatters of rain as they drop to create ripples on the small puddle. She watched as they form rings after rings. One ends to let another begin. The rain never stopped, it seemed. It could go on and on. She could go on and on herself watching the rain; watching the ripples disappear and reappear.

“1.8 microseconds.”

She lifted her head to meet his gaze. His lips hid a smile but she shook her head. She knew he was speaking in metaphors.

“The earth’s day is shortened by 1.8 microseconds after the Japan earthquake.”

“What?” she looked at him curiously.

“That means our time is going faster without us noticing it. That means our days are getting shorter.”

She heard that somewhere but what she couldn’t fathom was why he suddenly said that, “I don’t understand…”

The ripples might have taken his attention as well because he was silent for a while, just watching what she was done observing. “The past has no use for me, I cannot change it… and the future is too far away; the thought of it makes me impatient. So, all I have is now… this moment. I have always told myself to live for this moment and be happy every single day without regret. Though, I may not notice it but I know I am missing that 1.8 microseconds, so right now I decided to make use of every little microsecond I have. To linger on every second being happy and doing things that could make me happy.”

She felt him move and stand beside her then he lifted his hand to catch the falling rain on his palm. She looked at him, fascinated by the secret smile he held. Her heart was beating louder for every second that his voice blended well with the rain. If only she could, she would have clutched her heart tight.

Smiling, he answered her gaze, “It may not mean much to you… but I want to spend each of my remaining 1.8 microseconds with you here beside me, like this… like now.”

And that was all Yonghwa was willing to do. To give in to the demands of this time; to know and understand that this is the only time he had for her.  And, if he really was Shinwoo and he knew that his time was up, he would probably do the same.

“Close your eyes, sunshine… because I’m going to kiss you right now.”

His declaration muted her as she stared dumbstruck at him. Yonghwa could not blame her so he smiled and covered her eyes with his palm. Closing the gap between them, he brushed his lips lightly on her almost-trembling one and smiled for the fraction of second their lips were touching.

1.8 microseconds.

And then it was over.

It took a few moments before Joohyun finally opened her eyes when his hand lifted off her face. Still dazed, she stood there watching his back as he charged in the downpour. Despite herself, his lips were soft and comforting. The warm breath that touched her skin seemed to have stayed there and gave her that tingly sensation. Then, she shook her head—there was no tingly sensation! She scolded herself and commanded her legs to move.

And she did as she careened towards him only that her legs was still wobbly that she almost fell if not for the arm that caught her and steadied her on the ground. She looked up to see his smiling face. Yonghwa was making her believe he was playing Shinwoo but she couldn’t help the fact that she was no longer seeing Shinwoo. And, it was making her feel even more confused.

“Come on…” Yonghwa nudged her gently as they bolted to the car. He gave her the box of Kleenex to dry herself with when they got inside. Grateful to the run that they did, Yonghwa felt himself relaxed when all the physical signs of what that kiss did to him had faded.

“Any special dinner request?” He asked in an attempt to steal her away from deep thought as he drove back to her house.

“Carp bread.” Joohyun turned to him with a childish grin, “I suddenly want to eat bungeoppang.”

“That’s all?” He caught her smile and nodded as he focused on driving again. Once he saw a little stall in the pavement, he stopped and bought one for her as he was not hungry yet. Silence revisited them for the remaining minutes of the drive and even when he walked her up to her door.

It was the end of their day and she knew that she could no longer demand anything from him. If it meant that she has forgiven him for what he and Shinwoo did, then so be it. She has too much to bear in her chest and adding that would only make her every day even harder.

Today was her perfect day—if it was with Shinwoo or if it was really Yonghwa. And they were on the verge of ending it, one tiny step on her front door and her perfect would be over.

And they did take the tiny step but she pivoted to face him with the smile that reflected the pain in her being. “Thank you for today… I’m sorry for asking you to do this—“

Yonghwa shook his head, “Don’t say it, sunshine. I want you to have this day.” Carefully, he took a step closer and enfolded her in his arms. Joohyun was obviously taken by surprise yet again but it didn’t stop him. If she wanted to have Shinwoo back and he had the power to do it, he probably would have given in.

In retrospect, it dawned on Yonghwa that all these time he had been setting aside his own feelings for his brother and Joohyun—watching them from afar and wondering how it would have been if he wasn’t that stupid that afternoon when he first saw her. Everything, he thought, boiled down to that single day of remembrance.

He was Shinwoo, right this moment it was Shinwoo embracing Joohyun. He swallowed the thought as he pulled away but his hands rested on her arm, “Joohyuna… this all I can be. I cannot be Shinwoo… but if it was him, he would do this.” With that, he leaned closer and stopped just as he felt her breath caressing his face, “So, forgive me… for the last time, I am him.”

Yonghwa locked his lips over hers and once there was no other movement from her but that small quiver, he gradually opened his mouth. He didn’t intend to kiss her that way but he just allowed his body to move as he was slowly nipping and tracing his tongue on the soft edges of her lips. Finally, she opened her own and let him in. His hands crawled to cup on her jaws and give him better access and control. Joohyun’s hand fisted on his chest but she did nothing more than press on him harder.

She was beyond nervous but she couldn’t fight the sensation he was giving her. The kiss was hot and deep and she knew they must stop but she was just kissing him back as hungrily as he did. It was like feasting on something wonderful and dangerous and all-together wrong. This undecipherable pain in her chest was increasing more and more. Maybe she was feeling unfaithful to Shinwoo or his memory because she knew that even if Yonghwa was pretending to be his brother there was no way she would feel that it was Shinwoo she was kissing.

No way.

Realization probably hit them both at the same time when Yonghwa stopped kissing her but whispered so as his lips still touched hers, “I love you, Seo Joohyun. Be happy, sunshine.”

His voice, his words sent shivers down her spine as she finally gained the strength to push him. The dream she repeated or the past she travelled to again and again came crashing in her memory. She felt more nervous than when they were kissing. Yonghwa looked at her with questioning eyes and she stared at him. “B-be happy…” she repeated.

“What is it, Joohyuna?” Yonghwa asked gently squeezing her arm.

“I-I,” she cleared the lumps in and felt the tears on the sides of her eyes. “I never understood what he said b-before I fell unconscious but the way his lips moved… that I can never forget. A-and hearing you when you said it… it was what he said. I am so sure it was what he said ‘be happy’ he said be happy…” Her tears finally streamed down so she covered her face with her hand.

Yonghwa nodded while pulling her close. He remembered Shinwoo would usually write that on his rare occasions of writing any of them letters or notes. He closed his eyes and spoke softly, “All along you had your goodbye…”

It was Joohyun who pulled away but he lightly brushed his thumb on her cheek. “I’m sorry… I have been crying—“

“No, that’s okay… cry as much as you want, as often as you need to,” he patted her head lightly. At least, she had something to think about. It truly hurt to be left alone without any closure and it was a good thing that she realized that. Maybe it would help her heal knowing that Shinwoo somehow gave her key to the future she was most afraid of. “Go in… I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Joohyun nodded as she wiped her tears. It was over. Her borrowed time with this man has ended but right that moment, she felt silly—pathetic to say the least. She didn’t want to see Yonghwa go yet and she wasn’t going to fight the feeling. “Don’t go,” Joohyun watched him turn rather slowly and studied her carefully. The way he was looking at her made her shiver inside, “W-will you…. stay for awhile?”

He smiled. Who could say no to those eyes that were pleading? If Joohyun was asking for the universe that moment, he might have stolen it and wrapped it up pretty pink for her. It was easy to succumb to all her demands, especially this one. Yonghwa took the hand that she offered and she led him inside their apartment.

~~~

The woman that stared back at her from the mirror looked like someone else she never imagined herself to be. In just a few months, her life was changed. In just a snap, things happened and she knew she will never be the same again. Most people around her gave her the pep talk but all she did was to shun them away and linger on her pain. Only two people refused to go with the trend—Sooyoung who’d rather let her find her way around it and Yonghwa who would just listen but sometimes say things clad with deeper meanings. If she was to choose, she’d rather be with any of these two.

She asked herself too many times during the course of the day what exactly she was doing to Yonghwa and to herself. Truth be told, there were only a fraction of moments that Shinwoo was ‘there’ the whole day. It was more like she never believed that lie they both created. It was more like she was just giving him an excuse to spend some time with her not to cheer her up but to be there like a normal person who matters in her life.

His kisses never felt like Shinwoo’s. The two were different in a more sublime sense of it—even the whole feeling of having him around.

Reckless.

She was being reckless again deciding to spend that day but that was all she could ever have. She shut her eyes tight. Yes, today she allowed herself to be reckless till the end—reckless like she has never been before.

Joohyun wiped her face after splashing a few minutes ago and changed into an oversized sweatshirt and a pair of black leggings. She found him in the living room sprawled on the sofa with his arm covering his eyes looking as if he was sleeping.

For a moment, she wondered if she should talk to him until he dropped his hand and stared back at her. The way he was looking at her was making her heart tap dance inside her ribcage. Quietly, Yonghwa shifted and lay on his side and patted the space on the sofa. Without any second thought, Joohyun joined him with her head falling on his shoulder and nuzzled by the crook of his neck. His chin rested on the crown of her head and he molded his arm firmly around her so she won’t fall off the couch.

She closed her eyes. Shinwoo would hold her so many times in the past but this one was a lot different. His touch was gentle and cautious. Even his smell was more subtle than his brother’s. She pinched her eyes tighter; comparing them must stop being her habit. Although, they shared very similar features, that would be all because each of them are different.

And, her Shinwoo was gone.

As for Yonghwa, he must have existed in her life out of pity. He might have been staying around because he felt sorry for her lose. For the past months of knowing him though, she realized that there were many things about him that draws her to him. Her eyes opened abruptly when she felt her hand that was resting on her stomach was slowly being wrapped on his own until he intertwined their fingers.

Yonghwa must have felt that she was thinking about him. A rush of electricity propelled though her body when he started drawing circles on her palm with his thumb. Sighing heavily, she commanded herself to relax. It must have been a weird thought but she wondered how different things would have been if it was Yonghwa whom she met first. Would she have fallen in love with him? Would he even look at her?

‘Be reckless,’ Joohyun reminded herself as she shot him a glance, “Oppa…”

“Hmmmm?”

“I-if…” His eyes remained closed and his body was still so she did the same but continued, “If things were different… d-do you think you could fall in love with me?”

Surprised by the unexpectedness, Yonghwa’s eyes fluttered open only to find hers tightly shut so he smiled and thought to himself, ‘Already did, pabooya… in a heartbeat.’ The smile faded when she finally met his gaze as she waited for him to reply so he opened his mouth for the safest answer, “Hmmm… yes... most likely...  would you? Fall in love with me?”

Joohyun gave him the faintest nod that if he wasn’t paying attention, he wouldn’t have caught it. She swallowed hard feeling the rush inside her. She was going to be more reckless this time as she shifted to level her face with his and before Yonghwa could even blink, found his. She kissed him with hunger and need. She felt his hesitations at first until his hand circled on her waist pulling her close and molded the contours of her body into his and it sent shivers down to her soles. Their past kisses were nothing compared to this one as he let her take the lead. Joohyun finally slowed down until their lips parted but she held on to his hooded eyes, “You make it too easy…”

She smiled feeling her eyes b with tiny tears and she felt his hand that was on the back of her neck slowly massaging her nape until he pulled her back into his lips. This time it was slow and gentle and unhurried. One hand on his arm running up and down and another kept on his chest; she stopped thinking and allowed him to take her to that place where only her body and emotions are in control. Her breathing was steady and light but with constant little gasps when she would feel his tongue fired in her own or his hand would graze on her waist.

Finally, Yonghwa gently removed his mouth from hers but nipped on her lower lip before completely moving an inch away. His thumb caressed her cheek as they both gaze at each other. "Mian—"

Joohyun shook her head. “Don’t say it…”

“You do realize that it was me you’re kissing…”

Joohyun’s focus darted up for a second before grinning at him, “I don’t see anybody else around.”

“This jashik…” Yonghwa smirked catching her hand and holding it close to his chest.

Joohyun stared at her hand securely pinned where she could feel the loud tap-taps of his chest. So she was not alone on her frenzy. Meeting his gaze one more time, she finally confessed, “Today, Oppa, I decided to be reckless…”

A smile formed on his lips. Whatever she meant by being reckless would remain as a puzzle for him but her gentle expression and the blush on her cheeks told him it was probably a good thing. Besides, he has also been reckless the moment he allowed himself to get too close to her. Yonghwa knew that this moment with her would only mean more to him and he was willing to accept all the consequences. At least, he would have more to remember of her when the time comes that he would step aside.

Once again, he was a step closer to melancholy so he decided to push back those thoughts and put a smile on their faces before the night ended, “So…. you could fall in love with me, huh?”

Joohyun raised a brow and lightly pinched his inner arm.

“AWWW! Was that necessary?”

She laughed silently then held his hand again. “Or you could be my bestfriend?”

Yonghwa laughed dryly, “Really now???”

“Bad idea?”

He shook his head with a tiny smile as he tucked a tiny strand of hair behind her ears. He didn’t need to explain that it was a terrible idea. Finally, her expression softened.

“Seriously though…” Joohyun started despite how his little touches deterred her normal brain function, “You're that one person… who has been here all these time… the one who sees me at my worst. Aren't you tired?”

“Tired of seeing you at your worst? Hmmm…” Yonghwa’s lips puckered as if in deep thought, “I don’t think so… I take comfort in the idea of seeing you at your best, though… soon—someday.”

“Yes, someday…” Closing her eyes, she nodded. Joohyun pondered on the thought of how much of her he had seen before especially during those times she thought he was Shinwoo. Who she was during those moments may be a totally different person from who she had become. And, Yonghwa has always been encouraging her. The future is still a fearful place for her but thinking about having her sister, her friends and Yonghwa there, it’s probably something she should look forward to. ‘Someday,’ she repeated to herself and mumbled, “Oppa?”

Yonghwa focused her attention on Joohyun’s closed eyes and the gentle smile that remained on her lips, “Hmmm?”

“What I said yesterday… about never wanting to see you again?”

“Yeah?”

“I didn’t mean it, okay?”

Heaving a deep sigh of relief, he smiled silently then noticed her lips moved again.

“Please don’t fade away from me, Oppa…”

Don’t fade away.

Yonghwa fidgeted; he had decided anyway. It was for her own good and his especially. He would go away because staying with her that way was a gamble. It was either he would remain behind Shinwoo’s shadow or Joohyun would find herself more drawn to him for all the wrong reasons. He didn’t want to stay because he was afraid of falling in love with her deeper and harder that he would just accept whatever she was willing to give. Yonghwa found the need to protect his own heart against Joohyun’s unstable one. Maybe one day, when she’s completely healed— when he would be a Yonghwa to her not a Shinwoo or his memory.

He swallowed at the queasy feeling it gave him. It’s going to be hard but there was no other way. Yonghwa smiled when he heard the tiny sigh from . “Joohyun…” softly he said but she remained still. “Hyun, I have a secret to tell you again… I can’t tell you up front because I'm afraid you'd get mad at me again… but if you can still hear me, then pretend that to be asleep some more.”

Feeling the little tears that was forming on the side of his right eye, he continued, “The one that you saw singing at the bar before, it was me... not Shinwoo, that kid didn’t like singing sad songs... sorry for that... and for everything else...”

“A-And for that day, that day... the very first day I didn’t approach you. I'm sorry...” Whoever said that love is such a sad affair knew what he was talking about. Yonghwa touched her hair and mindlessly rub some strands between his fingers, “You're one of those I can never change, I can never undo... and I tried, repeatedly. I can never—“

“And maybe… just maybe…” Yonghwa smiled against the tears—despite the pain.  “Because I don't want to.”

Joohyun sighed quietly. She wondered what ‘the very first day’ meant.

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thank you all for the comments~