Chapter 25. Cry

“Come back! Even as a shadow, even as a dream.”

— Anne Carson

That was probably how death feels—empty.

After three days, Shinwoo was laid to his final rest but she was still feeling empty. Yuri cried the other day saying that it was like she died with Shinwoo. Did she? Did she just die with him?

Maybe she did.

During those days, she would still question everything. It didn’t feel real to her—it was more like a big show. She was in the wake every day, meeting friends and relatives. She would see his blown up picture. She would see his mother crying every day, his father who was also showing a tough exterior and his siblings that were still in shock of what happened. Joohyun even met their grandmother who didn’t even give her a second look and, after the brief introduction, treated her like a wind for the remaining days.

Yonghwa was also there most of the time but they didn’t talk anymore except for short greetings for the sake of courtesy. On the second day, he approached her to introduce Im Jinah, the woman he was with the other night. He only said that she is a close friend and a business partner but Joohyun could tell that there was more to that seeing the way the woman looked at Yonghwa. After exchanging pleasantries, they got into a small talk until Sooyoung and Yoona came to take her away. For what it’s worth, she could tell that Im Jinah was a genuinely nice person.

A couple of weeks have passed but it felt like everything was routinary. Days come and days go. No matter how Yuri and other people treated her she didn’t feel the same. Most of the time, she was just in the house; if her sister was there, she would be locking herself in her room. Sooyoung and the others sometimes manage to drag her out for movies since it was the only way for her to go out with them without having to ‘talk’. When she doesn’t want to go out, she would just have a movie or drama marathon or finish a book series— anything that other people would just allow her to be left alone.

Yonghwa would send her messages and call her from time to time but their conversation was brief and would revolve only to the usual greetings. He would always say that he just wanted to check on her or if she needed anything. It was all casual. That made Joohyun think of him like other people who no longer see or treat her as who she was before but the girl whose boyfriend died.

She sighed, shifting to the other side of the bed. Although the room was dark, it was like the occupant of that room was not gone for months since it was still well-maintained. It gave the sense that Shinwoo would walk in any moment.  It really felt weird. It was like in the past where she would lie there and wait for Shinwoo to come home after a gig or meeting his friends. Then, she would nag him for prioritizing trifle things when he could have been studying and thinking about the future. Only when he would start to kiss her that she would stop and grumble that he wasn’t listening to her but in the end she would laugh and be taken willingly into his arms.

Right there in that room, they would talk until darkness came but nobody bothered to stand and open the lights when it got dark. Sometimes, they would fall asleep holding each other but most of the time, she would push him up to do homeworks or study their lessons together.

His room felt very very familiar, nothing seemed to be out-of-place, it didn’t feel empty at all. But then again, Shinwoo wasn’t there and he will never be there again. Joohyun shut her eyes tight with a sad smile. There was nothing more she could do but imagine and then reminisce.

Suddenly, she looked up towards the door when it screeched open and squinted her eyes when the fluorescent light was switched on.

“What are you doing in the dark?”

It was Shinwoo’s mother who came in with Yuri emerging behind her. Joohyun suddenly remembered to visit his family and Yuri offered to drive her and stayed with her. After taking early dinner with his family, Joohyun asked if she could rest at Shinwoo’s room and his mother just smiled and nodded adding, “This is your home now too… and Shinwoo’s room is yours as well. Even this family, we are yours too and you will be one of my children.”

Joohyun finally sat up but she was still hugging the weird-looking alien plushie Shinwoo always loved. She wondered how long she lay on his bed. Time doesn’t seem to work for her anymore.

“Joohyuna, we should get going now…” Yuri smiled at her sister.

“Ye, Unnie…” she sighed and fixed the stuffed toy by the stack of pillows.

“Why don’t you bring that one?” Shinwoo’s mother suggested and smiled when Joohyun’s eyes widened.

“Thank you!” Like a child, she held the toy close to her heart.

“Are we ready to go?”

Joohyun was taken by surprise when Yonghwa abruptly appeared by the open doorway and transferred her gaze to her sister who said ‘yes’. After giving her a short nod, Yonghwa disappeared again.

“Yonghwa came a little while ago and I asked if he could drive you home since I got an emergency call from the hospital,” Yuri said as she took her sister’s bag on the floor then turned to Mrs. Jung, “Thank you so much, Imo. Joohyuna, say your greetings so we can go.”

Joohyun felt like a child and everybody seemed to treat her like one. It wasn’t bad at all since she doesn’t feel like functioning like she did before. Just as it has been—she’s dead. She died.

She bowed down low and smiled, “Thank you omoni and I will come and visit again next time.”

The older woman smiled and embraced Joohyun, “Yes, you do that… the girls and Kyu would love to see you always.”

“Please take care of your health, omoni and I’m sorry we couldn’t wait for abeoji.”

“Don’t worry about that. Do take care of yourselves you two…”

“De…”

~~~

The ride back to their apartment building was quiet; both of them were thinking of something to tell each other yet setting aside everything that they should be saying. When they arrived in front of the building, Joohyun was about to thank him for the ride but she noticed that the car has not halted yet. She wondered if he was going to invite himself in again so she waited until he finally parked the car. To her surprise, he did unbuckle his own seatbelt and opened his door.

“Let’s take a walk for awhile…”

Out of sheer confusion, it took Joohyun a few seconds before getting out. The commanding tone was enough for her to just follow him as they made their way into the open park in front of the residential buildings that towered around them. The biting chill of the night shooed away some people who would have been out on a beautiful time like that. There were still some dauntless joggers appearing here and there but none has taken interest in sitting on the benches. However, that was where Yonghwa decided to head as he motioned for the Joohyun, who seemed to have gone static, to follow suit.

They both occupied both ends of the park bench as if two strangers sharing a seat. No one spoke for a good deal of minutes until Joohyun let her thoughts out with her subtle voice, “I have a secret to tell you.”

“What is it?” Yonghwa turned to look at her only to notice her gaze fixed ahead.

“I used to look at you a lot and imagine that you’re him. When he was in the hospital and you were with me, I loved looking at you. It was like Shinwoo was alive and well and smiling at me. It felt good. It made me feel good. I’m sorry.”

He shook his head for it was not news for him. Yonghwa knew that from the beginning of time, even the moment he was introduced to her as himself, not his brother. “I know that you were doing that. I didn’t mind… I don’t mind… at all.”

“Still, I’m sorry.” She felt her chest tightening again. Having Yonghwa close to her overwhelmed her, she doesn’t recognize the feeling but she felt safe whenever he’s around. Talking to him and hearing his thoughts was another thing. With him, she feels like she could say anything and won’t be afraid of being misunderstood. Maybe it was because he was the closest thing to having Shinwoo back.

She pinched her eyes tight denying her thoughts to flow into that space where she doesn’t want to dwell anymore. For now, she wanted to make it right with Yonghwa somehow. She sighed, “The funny thing is, I don’t like looking at you right now. I can’t look at you.”

Her hands balled on her knees with the thoughts sliding out of because she knew she was addressing herself than him. However, Joohyun had no desire of taking it back, instead she would even have added that she doesn’t want to see him for she will only remind him of Shinwoo.

“Well then, wait here…”

She craned her neck towards him surprised when he suddenly dashed off leaving her alone. Fortunately, he told her to wait or she would have thought that her words offended him. Maybe in one way or another it did.

Yonghwa made his way into the convenience store. It was a surprise to see Yuri in their house when he came to visit his mother and siblings and then he had expected Joohyun to be there too. He was told that after dinner, she retired in Shinwoo’s room and locked herself up for the past two hours. Yonghwa was waiting for the moment he could finally talk to her about something she deserved to know. He had been stalling not because of anything else but he wanted to give her more time to grieve before pouring another thing that could possibly break her again.

He rushed back to her after his little mission was ready and it did work when Joohyun welcomed him with a bewildered look followed by pits of giggle. Her eyes seemed to glisten like a faint star peeping through a feather of clouds and it was a very warm sight. It’s safe to assume that he hasn’t seen one genuine smile from her for the past months.

“Now you can look at me,” Yonghwa said the moment he reclaimed his seat.

Joohyun slightly covered with the back of her hand as she shook her head. He was obviously trying to amuse her and, at the same time, acknowledging what she said.

Yonghwa covered his face with a brown paper bag with two holes poked for his eyes.

“Huh? Not working?” He grumbled animatedly scratching his head that the bag got crunched up a bit.

In the end, she laughed out loud for he looked like a killer on a thriller movie. People who'd probably see them on that cold almost-empty corner of the park would have a field day. When the laughter subsided, the awkward silence wrapped around them again. She didn’t know what to say or do, although she didn’t want to go back home yet. The thought of being left alone wasn’t a very comforting thought. She wondered why he was silent too until he cleared his throat and by her periphery, she watched him absentmindedly toying with his fingers.

“When we were really young, I got sick. My grandparents took me and they decided to keep me when they realized what I can do. You see, my grandfather had the same… he called it ‘gift’. I didn’t know what it was at first and until now I still can’t call it as a gift. Shinwoo had an accident when we were having a picnic, he fell from a tree and he bled too much. I got so scared.”

Joohyun remembered his mother telling her side of that story but she let him continue. After all, the course of that story would somehow lead to answers.

“And, I blamed myself. I thought to myself, if only time could go back again then I could stop him from climbing that tree. I prayed and prayed. I remembered too how I cried that night and I fell asleep and when I woke up, it was like the day started the very same way again.” Yonghwa shortly shot her a glance, “You weren’t aware at first, right? But I was. From the very first time it started, I understood. For me, it was another magic coming true, like the gifts that would magically appear on Christmas mornings. I thought everybody could do it until my parents didn’t believe me. It was only my grandparents who asked me about it and was too eager to know my ‘stories.’ They took me from my parents not for selfish reasons, but because of what I can do. They were scared that my mother and father would think that I had gone crazy at a very young age.”

Yonghwa smiled at the thought. Although he knew that choosing his grandparents in the end really did broke his parents’ heart but he couldn’t just explain to them the circumstances. He continued after a deep sigh, “They took me to protect me. Nobody else knows what I can do. Only my grandparents, the owner of the hospital, Doctor Lee, and now, you. That’s also the reason why I am ‘important’ in the hospital because I ended up being the lab mouse just like harabeoji. And to keep our constant visit there as discreet as possible, harabeoji donated a large sum of money and bought stocks to keep his position on the board.”

“Until now, Doctor Lee is still studying and researching but we are really on a dead-end. Our case will just die out with him because my grandmother doesn’t want him to let anybody continue the research just in case he passed on too fearing our secret would be revealed. Sometimes I feel like a real superhero.” Yonghwa chuckled with the sudden thought, “Up to this very moment, we have nothing. We don’t know how this happened, it’s still a puzzle… the doctor said there’s probably an anomaly on our DNA somewhere.”

For a moment, he was quiet. Joohyun still couldn’t make anything out of what he was saying. If she didn’t experience it to herself, she would really think he was just making everything up. His faraway look made her feel even more forlorn. It must have been very hard for him accepting the thought that he was special, that somewhere in his being he wasn’t normal at all.

“It was only when harabeoji died that we discovered I could take people with me. By some means, I can get into their past if it correlates with mine. When harabeoji passed away, halmeoni was devastated, by accident I took her back with me. But there were consequences, one of which is that I cannot change the past.”

At last, Yonghwa stared at her. With the paper bag covering his face, the pain in his eyes was even more magnified as she held them to hers. Aside from that, those pools looked familiar, not because of Shinwoo but something else. Her heart seemed to recognize something as it started to beat rather rapidly. It recalled something that her mind could not really perceive or put a name to that certain thought. So, it scared her. Those eyes scared Joohyun even more so she dropped her gaze on her lap once again.

“I’m sorry. I heard you in the chapel when you prayed for a moment to be with him. I thought I was helping you. I thought I was buying you time before Shinwoo woke up. I thought by that you could heal easily but you started thinking you could change the past. In the end, I realized it was making things even more complicated and hard for you— for everybody. I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry.”

They were silent. He ended his story right there and she didn’t know if he was waiting for her to say anything. She didn’t know what he expects for her to say. Her eyes darted fearlessly on him. The paper bag man was looking at her and she could see that glimmer of tears on each side of his eyes. Yonghwa was crying and he was probably thankful that everything else was hidden with that paper on his head.

“I don’t know what to say.” Joohyun finally broke the silence, “Even being there and experiencing things I still can’t believe I was able to go back— only to know in the end that it was you who was making it possible. Do I regret that it wasn’t really me having that ability? Maybe… because… I really want to; you know, see him— be with him? I guess I got too greedy that I wanted more and I wanted to bring him back, to change everything. But, it never happened. I tried so much. I was scared—I am scared. When you told me to move on, that was the time I got even more afraid. Somehow you were telling me that it would happen. Ultimately, Shinwoo would leave the way he did and I should start stepping away… opening my fingers, setting him free and all those clichés. So I got too scared, because I cannot. I don’t know if I can… ever.”

“They say that the calm before the storm is scary but they don't know that the calm after the storm is scarier.” She looked up in the dark sky, imagining the chaos brewing somewhere, “It's standing at the ruins trying to feel hopeful but it's the same feeling that's making you feel afraid—afraid to go on. How to even take a step to move on. Hope is just clouded by fear. And that is where I am right now. On a ruin, I see nothing but ruin. I want to go back and I want to move forward, these two forces cannot be achieved together. I am on a standstill, even the wind can’t push me to the direction it wants to take me to.”

“It’s not the wind who would push you, it’s yourself.”

“I know that too…”

“Give yourself time, everybody’s still grieving.”

“Time. I don’t even know if I still want any of that. Grieving? I can’t even cry! Why can’t I cry like everybody else that grieves over him? I can’t cry and I’m hurting and this pain that I cannot recognize at all! Everything is bottled in and I don’t know how to let them go…”

“Hmmm… how about ramyun?”

Joohyun tipped her head eyeing him suspiciously when he randomly blurted that out, “What?”

She snorted but he just mumbled back, “Before anything else, I need food Joohyun-ssi. I haven’t had dinner yet. I can really hear my stomach complaining.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry…”

“That’s okay,” Yonghwa elbowed her playfully when she looked at him with regret, “There’s an ajumma tent nearby, isn’t there?”

“Yes…” she nodded then transferred her attention to the paper bag he was still wearing, “Aren’t you going to take that off?”

“Probably later, I can still see well, don’t worry,” Yonghwa stood and started to walk ahead but turned back at her with a boyish tone, “Surprisingly, this feels comfortable for me.”

“Sil—“

“What?”

“Aniyo…” Joohyun shook her head. She almost called him the old endearment she would use for Shinwoo. “Let’s get your dinner first.”

They got settled on one of the tables on a farthest corner away from most people. Eventually, she got coaxed into having her own bowl of extra spicy ramyun since he insisted that he couldn’t just eat alone. Aside from that, he secretly instructed the ajumma to go crazy with the pepper flakes and chili powder on Joohyun’s share.

When the bowls were brought to them, Joohyun deliberately pointed at his ‘head gear’ with an assuring smile, “Oppa, really, you have to take that off. It’s okay… I can look at you now. Besides, people are staring.”

“Hmmm, okay,” Yonghwa ripped the paper bag and grinned childishly the moment the cold breeze kissed his face, “I don’t want them to call those guys with straitjackets and take me away.”

They ate in silence. The kid in him got excited waiting for her reaction on her food and he didn’t have to wait for long because she just started coughing.

“Why is this so spicy?!” She complained waving a hand on and hating the way he was grinning at her.

“Just eat,” he shrugged and went on devouring his own noodles.

“Seriously, how to eat this thing?! Is it just me?”

“Hmmm, maybe your spicy food tolerance is just weak right now.”

“Ha-hootttt!!!” She sniffed and grabbed a glass of cold water.

“I’ll buy you milk later,” Yonghwa muttered casually as he dropped a bite of kimchi on her bowl, “Eat a lot, Joohyun-ssi.”

Joohyun rolled her eyes feeling the heat climbing up her nose. “Awww, god!” She grumbled again while grabbing a tissue and blowing her nose. Surprisingly, she felt her tears slowly welling on her eyes.

“It’s so spicy it made you cry, huh?”

“Yes…”

“Go on cry, the ramyun is spicy,” his eyes warmed and a gentle smile rested on his lips, “It’s good to cry sometimes…”

She was crying, yes, but she was also giggling while wiping her face. The tears were not really pouring too much but the fact that she was tearing made her smile as she pushed the bowl away. “You planned this, Oppa. Didn’t you?”

“It worked, right?”

“Yes, it did…” Joohyun nodded. Shinwoo was in her mind again but this time, she didn’t stop herself from saying it, “So it’s true then. What they say about you and Shinwoo. That silly mischief.”

Yonghwa grinned and noted the softness in her voice. After a few minutes, they were headed back to the park since he felt too full from all the food he ate. They agreed to talk about Shinwoo—allowed themselves to get lost in the thoughts of him, exchanging stories after stories and most of them brought laughter on their faces.

“He knows exactly what to say, at times they are all silly and pathetic but they just have to make me smile…”

Yonghwa noticed that she was speaking about his brother in the present tense, and he was sure that she doesn’t notice it. He nodded setting aside his observation, “Shinwoo knew the right things to say.”

“He does… he's the type that, you know… he says all those sappy stuff and you just have to listen and suddenly everything gets into you. You thought you're smart enough to fall for everything he has been saying… but… but you're not… you're stupid.”

Yonghwa stopped walking the moment her voice started to crack. Looking at her closely, he finally noticed the tears that were silently flowing on her cheeks. “Hyun…???”

“I’m another stupid girl for believing him,” Joohyun shook her head in her attempt to tell him that she was alright.

“Would you have done otherwise?”

She shook her head and looked up. She hated herself because she couldn’t cry and it was stupid because her boyfriend just died and she didn’t cry at all. However, right that moment, her head held high as if to stop the tears from coming out. It was painful again—it was even more painful this time. Thinking of Shinwoo, reminiscing those moments, seeing him in Yonghwa, hearing him in Yonghwa, feeling him everywhere, and thinking he was just somewhere.

Feeling, thinking, believing and yet he was gone.

He was gone and she was still trying to convince herself that.

Yonghwa watched her in silence as she finally clutched her chest and dropped her gaze to the ground. Then her hands covered while shaking her head, her hair finally prevented him from getting a good look of her face. He did nothing but stand there beside her listening to her tears and watching her break down. The gentle sobs, the little gasps that told him she was still trying to contain herself made his own heart ache. What to do with this girl in pain? What to do with his own pain?

A moment had passed before Joohyun wiped her face forcefully and took a deep breath, “I'm so mad at him. I really hate him right now! He gave me up— he left me when he said he would never leave me. He changed my life, I didn’t ask for him but he came to me when I didn’t want him to. Shinwoo just stole my old self away from me and gave a new world. He gave me a new dream, a new meaning to being me... but all of a sudden he left, he didn’t even say goodbye so I hate him so much!”

Joohyun cried again but this time she cried louder and she did look angrier. Yonghwa still managed to stop himself from saying or doing anything. She needed that.

“I hate him that it hurts too much! I hate him that I want him back!”

The words just spilled out from her guts and it even felt more painful said out loud. Now, she cried so much like her tear duct had been switched on. Her head hurt and she could hardly breathe. She let out another sob until it trickled into soft once. And then she continued with voice almost fading, “I want him to come back so I could tell him how much I hate him. I want him to come back and know how much I am hurting right now, how much he is hurting me… I badly need him to come back to take my pain away...”

Her legs finally let go of her whole body and she fell slowly down on her knees, “I hate him so much I just want to disappear the way he did. He's stupid... Shinwoo is really stupid... he's the most stupid person I know! I hate him for being stupid... I hate him for dying... I hate him very much, that stupid, brainless idiot... I hate him.... I- I don't understand all these... I don't understand at all…”

It was too much for him to watch as he dropped beside her and finally rested a hand on her back. “Sshhh… everything will be okay…” Yonghwa said softly as his palm drew circles on her back.

“No… no… nothing will ever be…”

Yonghwa swallowed the pain stuck in his own throat as he finally pulled her close to him and kissed her forehead, “Shhhh... enough now... be still, love…"

He rocked her gently as she cried silently. Joohyun just caught up— Shinwoo’s own silly girl finally caught up with the grieving process. Yonghwa held her tighter finally deciding on something he shouldn’t be doing anymore because it has been very, very dangerous for him. If it was the only thing that could give her comfort that moment, then he was more than willing to give it to her even if his own life was on the line.

“Hyun, close your eyes, calm your heart. Let me take you there...”