Chapter 23. Silenced

"Because losing someone isn't an occasion or an event.

It doesn't just happen once.

It happens over and over again."

~Losing You, Lang Leav

“I’ve been thinking about it…”

“Hmmm?”

“Since I’ve been discharged, I couldn’t do it anymore.”

“What good does it do to you to be back there?”

“I don’t know… I don’t know yet… I want to find out how I could change things.”

“If you could change things, this moment… this ‘now’ that you are standing beside me won’t happen anymore?”

Joohyun stared at him as if realization swept over her, “I want him back… not this way.”

“Joohyun… look, stop it. You said it yourself, you came back several times but nothing happened. Just stop… accept things… accept this…”

“What? You want me to accept seeing Shinwoo this way?”

“I want you to move on.”

“Move on? To where? The only way is the road back… and I will retrace my way back there.”

“You’re not going anywhere and you know it!”

“How did you know? What did you know about all these when you don’t even believe it!”

“What? Do you still doubt that I believe every single word you said?”

“You will never understand! Nobody will ever understand!”

“Because you’re closing your eyes to reality! This…” he pointed at Shinwoo, “This is reality! Face it!”

“No! No… not ever—”

The sudden eerily shifting of the sounds of the monitors shook them back to where they were. They looked at each other alarmed especially when nurses and doctors came rushing inside and ushered them out of the room.

The moment the door was shut tight on their faces, Yonghwa didn’t even move an inch but watched helplessly the silhouettes inside and tried to make something out of the muffled voices barking orders and somewhat speaking a language severely unfamiliar to him. A rush of cold air swallowed him and his heartbeat wasvso loud he could almost hear it.

Consequently, Yonghwa turned around when he remembered Joohyun and found her just in front of him resting her back on a wall almost panting and breathing so rapidly like she just ran a mile.

He moved to where she was and gasped when he noticed her almost bloodshot eyes—reflecting fear and confusion.

“Oh, Hyun…”

Yonghwa was about to touch her face but she moved her head to the side and mumbled, “Don’t…”

He walked back near the door, shut his eyes tight and prayed.

After what seemed to be a long wait, the nurses and doctors went out of the room calmed but beaten. They waited until Doctor Kim came out wiping a few beads of sweat from his forehead.

“How is he?” They said together as they sprinted to meet him.

“He’s okay…” Eunji looked at Yonghwa with somber expression, “… for now. There was a sudden drop on his BP and we are still monitoring his ICP. For the time being, I strongly suggest that he shouldn’t accept any visitors except for his parents… I’m sorry.”

Yonghwa nodded as the young doctor walked away but patted Joohyun’s shoulder. He sighed in relief and found her biting her nails absentmindedly looking at the ICU, “Let me drive you home.”

“No, I’ll take a cab,” she replied.

“Joohyun, I insist… do you want me to talk to your sister?”

“No…”

“Okay, then let’s go…”

There was this finality in Yonghwa’s voice that she couldn’t do anything but to be led out of the hospital and into his car. The drive was quiet, both of them occupied with thoughts that were rather empty but fear still loomed around them.

When they arrived at the apartment building, Yonghwa quietly walked her up to their unit and Joohyun was waiting for him to bid his leave but instead, he followed her inside.

“I don’t want to leave you yet,” Yonghwa said despite the way she was eyeing him. He knew that Joohyun needed to rest and be alone but there was so many things he wanted to tell her— to do.

She shook her head, “I’m fine.”

“I’m staying,” his voice was stern and demanding that he noticed the way Joohyun’s eyes blinked hard like the suddenness scared her. Yonghwa took a deep breath before continuing gently, “I’ll stay until you fall asleep.”

“Fine…”

Joohyun spun on her heel and walked to her bedroom. He noticed that she didn’t close it fully maybe it was out of habit. He remembered clearly how his mother would tell his sisters not to shut their bedroom doors in the middle of the day whenever they were at home just to keep track of their activities. He found his respite on the sofa, silently weighing his options and gaining some more strength before finally doing what he ought to have done a long time ago.

Or, to undo what he did.

After a few minutes of shifting and changing his sitting position and when he was sure that Joohyun was already in a deep sleep, he stood and carefully found his way into her bedroom. He smiled seeing how alive and vibrant her room was as opposed to how lethargic she looked curled on her soft pink bed. Yonghwa found himself sitting on the bed and dropping a hand on her arm.

“Hyun, I’m going… I’m so sorry…”

~~~

The moment she opened her eyes Joohyun knew that she was back to that day. It wasn’t a déjà vu nor a nightmare. Confusion was still clouding her mind but she knew things were not as normal as she wanted them to be that day.

Shinwoo.

She wanted to see Shinwoo the moment her eyes fluttered open. She was feeling fidgety for some reasons like waking up from a dark dream only that she couldn’t remember any of it. Joohyun sat up and hurriedly took her diary from her desk drawer only to find herself staring at a blank sheet.

What was she going to write again?

Once, her mom told her to always keep a notebook near her bed just in case she wakes up from a beautiful dream in the middle of the night. She told her to record what she could remember—sight, sound and even feelings. It was a good way of going back to sleep again anticipating a continuation or connecting dream of some sort. However, this time, her fingers won’t move and the erratic beating of her heart told her it was something she didn’t want to record anyway.

Finally, she found herself scribbling… with eyes closed.

Phone. Breakfast. TV. Homeworks. Shinwoo. Wine. Kiss. Flowers. Apples. Flowers. Kiss. Shinwoo. Shinwoo. Hyun. Shinwoo. Flowers. Hyun. Pain. Silence.Pain

She opened her eyes again and gasped with what she has written.

Shinwoo.

Pain.

Her heart pounded in her chest.

She closed her eyes again as if to ‘unsee’ everything.

Nightmare.

Her eyes flew open and she hurriedly crumpled the paper and threw it in the bin.

Joohyun found her phone and, with shaking hands, she dialed his number. “Thank goodness you answered!” She exclaimed.

“Good morning to you too, sunshine…”

“Hmmm… there’s something I need to tell you. Can you come here fast?”

“What’s wrong? Can you tell me right now? You’re making me nervous.”

Suddenly, she thought that it must be a bad idea to scare him because everything didn’t really make sense. “Ahh… sorry if it sounded like that. Hmmm… just come here. I’ll wait for you…”

“Okay, I’ll still hurry. I love you, sunshine.”

“I love you too, silly.”

Joohyun tried to calm herself, she had to remember what happened during that time. Somehow, she knew that something terrible was going to happen but she couldn’t remember the order of events or what exactly that event was. Her gaze fell on the door and only then she realized her sister was going to come and she did.

 “Oh, you’re up?”

“Ahh… yeah…” she found herself saying.

“I’ll be at work the whole day today. I’ll be home tomorrow afternoon.”

“Kay… try to get some naps.”

“I will! I love you.”

“I love you too!” she called out just when the door closed. It gradually occurred to her that, yes, she knew that she was time traveling but she could only remember the events that will happen a few minutes or seconds before they actually happen.

She must concentrate. She must focus.

Joohyun almost jumped to her seat the moment Shinwoo arrived. He was there right in front of her when she opened the door. She could almost cried in joy as she pressed her body into his in a tight embrace. “Oh, god, I miss you…”

“Huh? What’s wrong with you? You just slept, sunshine…”

She shook her head with her face still buried on his chest. “No… I miss you. It felt like forever you were gone.” Finally, Shinwoo was hugging her back and it was like the best moment of her life. She pulled away and studied him. The bad thing that was going to happen, something was telling her that it was going to happen to Shinwoo.

The crumpled paper…

“Are you alright?”

“Y-yes…” she couldn’t understand. She wanted to tell him but did not know what to say exactly.

“You said there was something you have to tell me.”

“I-I don’t know…” Joohyun turned away and gestured for him, “Come inside…”

“Joohyun, what’s wrong? You’re acting weird.”

“Nothing… just forget about it…”

She brushed it off. One moment, she was sure as hell that there was something wrong. Snippets of events would flash in her mind but, the moment she involuntarily winked, they would all disappear like bubbles silently exploding.

The day went by too quickly and rather normal than her fears. The looming feeling intensified when Shinwoo asked for his leave.

 “Where are you going?”

“I need to accompany mom for her check up.”

“Check up? Is Umma sick?”

“No, just the yearly check up thing.”

“Can I go?” She suddenly blurted out. Maybe if she kept him close, she could be sure that nothing wrong would happen.

“Sunshine? Didn’t you say you’re going with the girls later?”

“Yep, we will buy dress for Yoona Unnie’s birthday but they can go without me. I want to go with you.”

“Ani… you’ll get bored there. Go with Sooyoung, you’ll enjoy it more.”

“I enjoy being with you too.”

“We are not having this conversation right now.”

Joohyun could tell that he was serious so she just nodded. She was probably being paranoid, “Fine, but take my car.” Joohyun bended over to get the key on the side table and threw it at him.

“Okay, don’t forget dinner tonight at halmeoni’s”

“Yeah, I’m buying a gift for her and your brother too. What do you suggest I should get them?”

“Whatever you like, or flowers for halmeoni. I don’t really have any idea.”

A flash of this basket of flowers came in her mind.

She was at it again.

Flowers.

“Sunshine? Are you okay?”

Shinwoo was watching her carefully. The hairs on her arms were still standing on their roots. She flashed him a smile, “Ahhh… nothing… I’m just…” she turned away from him soothing her arm then muttered absentmindedly, “Okay, I’ll figure that out later.”

Then she felt his hands on her shoulders as she was carefully spun around for him to see her. Joohyun smiled when Shinwoo bended down and pecked on kiss on her lips.

“Okay, where should I pick you up?”

“I’ll just call you.” She said as he took a step back and started gathering the books and notepads on the floor. Her heart was still in a rapid beating that she decided to just go to her room so he won’t notice how uncomfortable she was feeling that moment.

She paced back and forth but with empty thoughts.

The clock ticked. The sound was tugging in her chest, in synchronicity—

Synchronicity.

 She shook her head and walked to the dresser. Her hand found the brush and she absentmindedly started to run it through her hair.

“Aw hell…”

His voice finally stole her away from reverie that she cast a quick glance at him outside her bedroom door with his phone in his hand and back at the mirror, “Something’s wrong?”

“Ah nothing… I’ll go first…” Shinwoo shook his head as he walked and rested by the doorjamb.

“Okay, see you later…” She smiled looking at his reflection on the mirror as she brushed her hair.

“Yep…”

Shinwoo nodded but remained standing there. “What?” Joohyun finally dropped the brush and walked over to him.

“Nothing… I love you…”

That brought familiar butterflies in her stomach. She smiled, “I love you too, silly.” Joohyun dropped her hands on his shoulders and gave him a soft pat— understanding that nothing was everything she wasn’t saying herself. Shinwoo gazed at her silently lingering for a moment before he smiled. She knew he would kiss her and she would allow him.

They kissed— she kissed him with overwhelming feelings moving in and out of chest. The taste of his lips, his every movement, the hard pull on her back as she molded herself to him. She felt her arms embracing him closer that he could just melt in and she would never let go. Shinwoo tugged on her lower lip, biting it lightly that she moaned on his mouth.

It was different. This one was different and she was letting him make it different, putting it in this space beyond their unspoken boundary. She couldn’t tell how long it lasted. She got drowned on it for that moment until she finally felt him pushing himself gently away.

Joohyun opened her eyes when his lips parted with hers and witnessed this beautiful smile drawn on his face. Shinwoo smiled almost feverishly but started pecking little kisses on her cheeks and lips that she ended up groaning and protest as her eyes rolled. He laughed and before finally stepping back and gestured for the door.

“I better go.”

“Yeah, you better,” Joohyun, who was still catching her breath, nodded in agreement. Before he moved away, though, he pecked one more kiss and walked backwards as she hugged herself rubbing her arms when the room suddenly felt colder. Her back unconsciously falling on the doorjamb, she watched him until he reached the door. “Drive carefully,” She mumbled almost to herself.

~~~

The rest of the day happened like it was one of the most ordinary among the ordinaries but the fear was still there, growing and growing inside of her. She spent her afternoon with Sooyoung and later with their other friends. As time passed by, she couldn’t help but stare on the clock, ask what time it was, look how many minutes had passed. After a few hours, she stood outside McDonald’s as she waited for Shinwoo to pick her up. The basket of flowers rested beside her on the pavement while she cuddled the bottle of wine in her arms. It was the only thing Sooyoung could think of as she didn’t know what to buy herself. The familiar red car finally halted in front of her. Shinwoo got out and jogged towards her.

She had this unbelievable feeling of relief. Like she missed him so much. Like they hadn’t seen each other for years.

“Hi, sorry if I kept you waiting.”

Shinwoo dropped a kiss on her lips and smiled. She smiled back. She missed him.

He opened the passenger door for her but flashes of empty memory almost made her gasp. She didn’t feel like getting in the car. The throbbing in her chest intensified.

“Sunshine?” Shinwoo looked at her, concern written all over his face. “Are you okay?”

“Y-yeah, but can we? Can we—“

“Hey, you can’t park there!”

It was a police officer a few feet away but he was making his way to them.

“Yeah, sorry officer, we are just getting in.” Shinwoo bowed and pushed her gently in, “Come on, get in before we get his ticket.”

“Oh, yeah…”

After she got settled in and their gifts in the backseat, as he was about to start the car, Joohyun held on to his wrist, “Shinwoo, I don’t think—“

“I miss you…”

 “Me too… I miss you… I love you…”

“And I love you…” Shinwoo smiled reaching over and kissed her softly, then brushed his thumb on her lips, “I love you…”

~~~

Time.

It moves ever so slow that you just want to hit the fast-forward button.

Yet, sometimes, it is ever so fast that you can’t even imagine what just happened.

“I’m not feeling well…” she heard herself say as her gaze absentmindedly shifted from the speedometer to the fuel gauge. It was like looking at a clock— almost stationary clock, the needle pointing to this number and to that number repeatedly over a hundred times. She blinked away from the instruments then darted her gaze towards the dimming night sky. His grandmother’s house was located by the outskirts of town, in one of the gated communities with the magnificent views of their whole little town.

Because it was on a hilly spot, the road curved and zigzagged like a maze but the landscape around them was breathtaking that she couldn’t figure out where to focus, momentarily making her forget the weariness she had been feeling. Finally, they took another route, this time the tall thick trees on each side of the road were blocking the remaining sunlight that the headlight just illumined their path.

The flashes started. Her head pounded. It finally hit her!

Accident!

 “What?”

 “Shinwoo, stop the car! NOW!”

“I can’t… what’s wrong?”

He couldn’t. They were running uphill.

“Don’t worry, we’re getting closer.”

She almost gasped when he suddenly said that. She clearly remembered how it will happen.

No… no…

She repeated in her mind.

NO!

For a split second, Shinwoo turned to her with an assuring smile.

When she looked away, she saw it. The roadblock. He saw it too.

NOOOOO!

It was too fast that it was hard to remember how it all happened as the car flew and flipped over.

Existence.

Something hurt… then something felt terribly painful.

SHINWOO!!!!

It happened.

Joohyun managed to turn her head towards him.

Shinwoo looked at her and said something.

She couldn’t make out what it was but she knew he said something.

And she knew, something was off… her neck craned to the other direction— towards the car window, dented and shattered.

Her vision was blurry but she saw it—she saw him standing by the side of the road.

Shinwoo… no, it wasn’t Shinwoo.

Shinwoo was beside him, but there was someone else by the roadside who looked awfully like Shinwoo.

“Arghhh…” Joohyun gasped out of pain and surprise.

He was standing there and finally it dawned on her who it was.

And he was crying…

‘Why?’

‘How?’

Joohyun tried to open .

No sound came out.

Muted.

Silenced.

He shook his head and closed his eyes.

Yonghwa.

She remembered his name.

Flowers.

Silence gripped her by the neck.

It happened.

Again.

Too late. She couldn’t stop it from happening.

And then…

He wasn’t supposed to be there…

Time stood still.

The world lost its color.

He wasn’t supposed to be there…

But he was...