Chapter 17. Habit

“Because nothing makes me happier and nothing makes me sadder than you.”

~  Nicole Krauss

Yuri was still apprehensive of the idea. She didn’t want to let her sister see Shinwoo’s condition but she knew that it was the only way to help her sister accept reality. Joohyun has always been a strong person— stronger than she was, but she knew that her sister could hide behind that strength yet crumble inside. She paced back and forth inside the room doing absolutely nothing but trifle little tasks to keep herself from finally telling her about it. Then again, it wasn’t something that she should be delaying, so she started nonchalantly, “I have  good news for you. You can visit Shinwoo tomorrow.”

At first, Joohyun’s face turned rigid until she finally broke in a genuine smile, “Really? Thank you, Unnie!”

“Don’t thank me. It was Yonghwa,” she smiled back.

“How did he—“

“I just learned that their grandmother is a stakeholder of the hospital and he is her representative.”

“Oh…”

Yuri shrugged. It was just the other night that she talked to Yonghwa when she found out something else that he begged her not to tell her sister.  Apparently, all of the medical expenses were charged under his name. Yuri seek him the moment she heard of that and argued that as an employee of the hospital, she would surely get herself a hefty discount but Yonghwa was adamant and refused to budge. He was almost silent the whole conversation. He just shook his head and said that it had been arranged and nothing could be changed. Not only that, she also learned that it was him who asked for Joohyun to be put in that private room before she could even request for it.

“Unnie… what’s wrong?”

She finally snapped out of reverie when Joohyun looked worriedly at her. “Nothing, I’m just… a little worried of you… but don’t bother about that,” she waved a hand with a tiny grin but retracted her almost pretense when she noticed her sister’s troubled expression, “Joohyunie, are you ready for this?”

Her sister just smiled, the kind of smile that would break into tears any moment. These past few days, Joohyun has been trying to ‘go back’ being the same person before the accident. She has been posing a positive and jolly attitude; did her therapies well; followed everything they tell her to do; and even started knitting as suggested by their mother because it was said to be therapeutic.  

Yuri drew out a loud exhale and wrapped her arms around her sister’s. “I will be there with you. I will not leave until you can be there on your own. I will never leave you until you can make it on your own, you know that, right?” Joohyun nodded as she lifted her chin. “You know it won’t be easy but you won’t have to carry things on your own.”

~~~

She woke up and wondered if she ever fell asleep that night. Mixed emotions swarm all around her head by the thought of seeing him later. Her sister asked her if she was ready. It took her a while to answer. She knew that it was all she ever wanted the moment things got cleared in her brain but this time she couldn’t answer herself properly.

Is she ready?

Joohyun shoved that unbelievable ambiguity when the door opened. The sound brought with it this certain anticipation for she was sure who it was and she was right.

Yonghwa came in with his familiar arrangement of flowers. She smiled when he moved across the room.

“Ahh, you’re awake… good morning,” he greeted setting the basket on its usual place then walking by the window to push the curtains to the side.

“Good morning… flowers as usual.” Joohyun greeted as she watched closely what seemed to be a habit for him--bringing flowers and drawing the curtains open.

“Please tell me if you’re getting sick of them,” Yonghwa joked while pulling the chair near her bed and sat down.

“No, it would be impossible to get sick of them. Thanks for always bringing them. The world is such a sad place sometimes, we need a little color.”

Yonghwa nodded watching the way her eyes cast a quick glance at his gift before giving her a small smile, “Yes, just that thought makes them magical creatures.”

“Creatures?” She chuckled at his choice of words like he just said something ridiculous but Yonghwa overlooked that.

“Yeah, just by looking at them… I don’t know? It’s calming.”

“Hmmm…” she sighed when she noticed that she was actually thinking of having a conversation with Shinwoo but it wasn’t him in front of her so she nodded guiltily, “Yeah, you like flowers?”

“Who doesn’t like flowers? I like flowers.”

Her heart skipped. Joohyun looked at him. It was something Shinwoo would have said with that kind of a dead serious face whenever he would joke. “You’re a weirdo,” she mumbled.

“I’m a what?” Yonghwa finally drew a wider smile, oblivious of the girl’s attempt to talk to someone he wasn’t then faked a snorting sound, “I like flowers so I’m a weirdo?”

“I mean, normally, guys are not into those ‘creatures.’”

“Are you calling me something?”

“Did I call you anything else other than ‘weirdo’?

“Weirdo is worse.”

“Is it?”

“I don’t know.”

“Why are we having this conversation again?” She almost laughed, and then it came to her again. She couldn’t do it. This man wasn’t Shinwoo. He could never be Shinwoo. She dropped her gaze on her lap. Who was she kidding? Then she looked up at him again but dragged her gaze away, past the window, “Oh right, the flowers. I’m sorry, I was just kidding.”

Yonghwa sensed the sudden drop on her tone. He knew what it was. It was a tad easier being in the room when she was sleeping. Maybe they were right. He could only be Shinwoo’s body for her. But could he be that for her even for a moment? Would he allow himself to be Shinwoo for her again? Even for this pretense that neither of them could feel this little game? He shook his head with those thoughts. “Anyway, did you hear the good news?”

“Yes, thank you for making it possible.” Joohyun turned to him keeping her thoughts on the right track. She couldn’t lose it like this. “I didn’t know how ‘important’ you are around here.”

“Where ever you heard that I’m ‘important’ around here?”

“You know someone?”

“Ahhh, yeah…” he smiled but noticed how she started to play with the tips of her hair. That was what he remembered her from those little moments he happened to ‘talk’ to her. Joohyun would touch her hair when she was feeling uneasy, “But are you sure you’ll be okay?”

“I will be, don’t worry…”

“Okay, I hope so…”

“So I earned myself another person who would worry about me?” Joohyun attempted smile.

“It figures… but yeah…” he grinned. She just didn’t have any idea at all. Yonghwa scolded himself, he felt stupidly guilty and devastated being there and talking to her.

All those demons in his head. The guilt, the fear.

He stood, he couldn’t stay for another minute, “I- I have to go, Hyun…”

Hyun. She must get used to that. Nodding hesitantly, she replied, “Thanks for everything. One day, it would be my turn to do something for you.”

“I’m not doing this because—“

“I know, but still…”

“Alright, one day…”

“One day… I’ll do you a huge favor, okay?”

Yonghwa sighed and rubbed his palms unconsciously then motioned, “Sure thing… I’ll get going.”

“Yes… thanks again, for the millionth time…”

“You’re welcome for the millionth time… get better, Joohyuna.”

“Shoo…” Yonghwa laughed at that and waved a hand. Joohyun had this weird feeling that Yonghwa just couldn’t wait to get away whenever she would start a conversation with him. If she was him, he would do the same. Probably, she was creeping him out—she had been seriously crept out herself. This whole situation— this whole crazy scenario, she must come to terms with it soon or she would really go crazy and drag with her all the people around her.

~~~

That night after her shift, she prepared her sister for her first visit to the ICU where Shinwoo was. Yuri was nervous. Joohyun’s mood had been unpredictable for the past days and she could never guess how her sister would really react. After tucking the pink blanket on her lap, she looked at her sister as she took her hands, “Ready, baby?”

“Never been this ready,” Joohyun beamed through the lie in her words just to appease herself and her sister.  She was ready and she must believe that.

Yuri straightened herself and walked behind the wheelchair, “Okay, here we go.”

The door was held open for them by a nurse as another one waited behind them. The trip from Joohyun’s room to the ICU seemed to be distressingly far. It was probably how she felt when she took her own steps there a few nights ago. Yuri just couldn’t bear the thought of what her sister was probably feeling. She would do everything to save her from those ugly feelings and for the coming ones.

She knew how it would end.

Yonghwa was on his usual spot again and tipped his head when they passed him by. She would have asked him to them inside but Yuri thought it would be better if it was just her and Joohyun. The door opened. The familiar air welcomed them. She lightly dropped her hand on her sister’s shoulder as she motioned for the nurses to leave them. The sound of the machines and the air conditioning unit harmonized in the room.

She moved beside Joohyun but her hand remained on her shoulder. Shinwoo was there on the bed. His skin was pale but the bruises barely showed. Anyway, it was hard to see his skin since he was mostly bandaged—even his head. They all agreed to one conclusion: his injuries were fatal. Yuri dropped on her knees when she felt her sister starting to shake.

“Joohyuna…” she soothed her calmly. Touching her hair, touching her arm, touching everything as if it could lessen her sister’s pain.

“Sh-Shinwoo…” her voice broke with her tears. “Silly… hey, silly… they say you don’t want to wake up. Aren’t you being too lazy now? Sleeping too long? Please, wake up… Shinwoo wake up please…” Joohyun gasped pushing away her tears but to no avail. She couldn’t bear the sight. It wasn’t Shinwoo. She couldn’t believe it was him. “P-Please… Shinwoo… you silly person, why won’t you just wake up?! It isn’t too hard!” Her chest ached. It was getting hard to breathe. She gasped loudly forcing the pain out of her chest. “Look at me! Please, open your eyes! Oh please… please… come back… I miss you so much it hurts. Please… not like this… not this way… no… no…”

Then she felt her sister enveloping her in her arms. She cried. Joohyun cried loudly without holding back as her body trembled and her arms holding on tightly on her Unnie. She cried and cried because it was too painful. It was just too painful and nothing else.

Like all the other emotions got drained away and nothing remained but pain.

Yuri continuously her back. Joohyun’s cries muted hers. What should she tell her? What happened to all those words and phrases which aim to make a person feel better? Is there even anything that she could say to comfort her sister? Yuri felt her own tears.

She felt unbelievably useless.

After a few minutes, when her sister’s cries dissolved into silent sobs, Yuri tapped her gently and looked at her. She shut her eyes tight for a moment. Joohyun looked nothing but a worn out doll; her eyes jaded, her skin drained with color only that her nose and around her eyes had this different kind of red. She shook her head brushing away the wet strands of hair by her sister’s face, “Come on… you need to rest.”

However, Joohyun shook her head vigorously.

“No… no… Unnie, I want to stay here… until he… he… Shinwoo wakes up.”

“Honey… you have to rest. You promised you will listen to me, right? I will let you come back here any time you want but you can’t do this. You can’t be like this.”

“What was I, Unnie? Who was I before this? Why can’t I be like this?”

“Awww, baby… please?” She smiled sadly because she was a fool not knowing the answers to her queries, “Please…” Joohyun looked at her for the longest time then back at Shinwoo. Yuri could tell that she was starting to tear again. “Joohyuna…”

“Okay…” she closed her eyes and placed her hands on her chest, listening to the silent prayers of her heart. One day this will all be over. She looked away and whispered, “Let’s go…”

Yuri shook her head when the two nurses walked towards them and motioned for them to go ahead. She noticed Yonghwa on his usual spot: his eyes on her sister and gave him a nod when he finally looked at her. Joohyun, while being pushed out of the room, had her head bowed down but looked up once and probably caught sight of the young man that she hurriedly hung her head low again.

Yuri could do nothing but mouthed a ‘sorry’ at Yonghwa.

It was then she realized Yonghwa’s presence was probably not a very good idea for Joohyun. If she was on her sister’s shoes it would be too difficult to deal with the fact that Yonghwa is at his prime while Shinwoo, god forbid, was perhaps on his death bed.

~~~

“You are my sunshine my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey. You'll never know dear how much I love you so please don't take my sunshine away…”

His guitar. He had a name for his guitar. What was it?

She couldn’t remember.

Joohyun opened her eyes; the song repeated in her head as her mind tried to remember the name of his guitar. Her eyes wandered around the room as the morning light tried to enter through the small gaps of the curtain. Then, she noticed the flower basket hasn’t been replaced. She woke up too early again that even her earliest guest hasn’t arrived yet.

After a few minutes, a nurse came in to check on her before her doctor’s round. The routine has grown on her that she could almost do it herself. The medicines. The blood sample. The oxygen saturation. The blood pressure. The temperature. The heart rate. That day too she has a scheduled physical therapy session.

It would be another long and tiring day.

It was as if every day she was living in a repeated cycle.

Like déjà vu.

The nurse with the brightest smile straightened her sheets on her legs and arranged her instruments. She bid her goodbye promising to be back a few hours after, and if there would be anything Joohyun wanted, she could just buzz. Joohyun nodded and thanked the older lady and watched her take her leave but then she frowned when the woman was about to touch the curtains.

“No… please, just leave them that way,” she asked as the now familiar silhouette flashed before her imagination. It wasn’t the nurse’s job but someone else’s.

“Okay,” the nurse smiled.

“Thank you…”

Yuri came in later followed by her friends. And, each time she tried to be energetic— shoving off the thoughts of her first visit to Shinwoo; her weird dream and the fact that she still couldn’t remember the name of Shinwoo’s guitar; and, odd as it may sound, hiding the crappy feelings upon realizing her flowers won’t get replaced for the day.

By mid-afternoon, her mood worsen that she begged her sister to cancel her appointment with Ms. Oh, her physical therapist. She even drove away her Unnie with the kind of sarcasm that her debate professor would have given her an A+ for.

However, she wasn’t that proud of herself.

She fell asleep and woke up around midnight when the nurse for that shift came in to take her vitals. Joohyun was still feeling lightheaded but she knew she wanted to see Shinwoo again. Maybe visiting him every day and talking to him could probably help him to wake up sooner. She was told that she herself woke up when her father came and talked to her while she was sleeping.

Who knows it could work for him too.

“Uhm, excuse me,” she started when the nurse was about to leave.

“Yes?”

“C-can you help me? I want to visit Shinwoo.” The nurse hesitated for a moment; Joohyun was secretly crossing her fingers, “Please?” Finally, she smiled but rather sadly.

“Okay, but I will have to go in with you there.”

“Thanks…”

Her heart was beating fast as she was wheeled along the corridor. That distance from her room to the ICU was not that wide but it felt farther than it really was. The whole duration of the ‘trip’ was excruciating.

She knew she didn’t want to see the same scary room she had been the night before. But Shinwoo was there and scary as it was, that room kept her heart alive— Shinwoo. She could feel her tears welling on her eyes and the same fear seemed to clog in .

It was getting harder to breathe again.

Joohyun looked up once they got closer. She looked up because Yonghwa was there, as usual, leaning on his wall.

Does he ever get tired of standing out there?

The nurse stopped probably because he was family and they were threading towards his territory.

“Hey…” Finally, Yonghwa straightened and greeted them.

“Hi… you’re still here?”

“I am somebody important, remember?” Yonghwa kidded and earned a smile from the girl on the wheelchair. 

“Ahhh, yes… I’m going to Shinwoo…”

“I see.”

“I-“ She paused for a moment then glanced at him seriously, “W-Will you take me?”

Yonghwa nodded, “Sure…” then he gestured towards the nurse, “I’ll take it from here.” He walked behind her and covered the remaining steps towards the ICU.

“You… you didn’t come this morning…”

“Uhm… yeah, had to run some errands.” Yonghwa stopped by the door and looked at Joohyun, “Ready?”

“Yes.”

They reached the generously lit room. He positioned her chair just a few feet by the bed. Yonghwa stood there for a moment then left quietly. He didn’t need to be there. It was a moment he knew Shinwoo and Joohyun needed. It has always been a choice for him to stand there like guarding his brother from afar. Being at the hospital brought back sad memories for him and this one would be added to them. This moment would be imprinted there.

He would have waited for another minute or another hour or another lifetime before deciding to go in again and take Joohyun out. It would have been fine for him to wait out there for her but he knew she wasn’t all that healthy to be suffering some more.

Joohyun turned but with head still in downcast when he opened the door so he asked softly, “Are you okay to go?” She just nodded, “Hey, buddy… I’ll take her back to her room first and come back.” Yonghwa regretted saying that seeing her shoulder suddenly flinched. All he could do was to shake his head as he wheeled her out.

All those minutes she was inside his room again, her eyes were closed. Not even a single second that she opened them. When the door opened, it came to her that she didn’t really want to see him like that. Joohyun wanted to remember smiling and laughing stupid Shinwoo. She cried silently. Her tears just fell, her nose just watered—but her eyes were closed the whole time.

Now, while being pushed back to her own room, the hallways blinded her sight but her surroundings got a little clearer for her. Then, her gaze fell into this particular room that she suddenly heard herself say, “C-can you stop?”

Yonghwa halted and noticed her head turned towards the small chapel— the same one he visits daily. “Do you want to go in?”

“Yes, please…” She felt the wheelchair stopped again when they were a meter away from the altar. Turning slightly, she noticed him walking away, further back until she heard his footsteps got muted in the background.

She almost laughed at herself for being there—she was never religious but her voice seemed to have gotten out without her permission.

“I never asked anything from you,” she stopped for her tears were making it hard for her to breathe again, “But please just this one… just this once, bring him back….”

She pleaded.

“Give him back to me, please… I will do everything you want. I will bargain my life for him… for a day, or a minute, or if you want even for 30 seconds.”

The words were just flying out of ; without thoughts. They were like crystal shards that flew out of her chest when her heart exploded into this supernova and she was left with nothing but a black hole.

She was left with nothing but this heart that beats in the void.

“J-Just… just bring him back to me… 10 seconds, even for 10 seconds… I won’t ask for anything else in this world. Just him… please, just him… my Shinwoo...”

She cried like the millionth time she cried again; her tears flowing freely. She cried for so long that her body ached. She cried and she just left the world in that timeline until everything else started to dawn on her again. Joohyun pushed away the tears when logic took over again and she remembered the man who was probably waiting for her. She turned and saw him outside the chapel, leaning on the wall—a different wall.

This guy and his walls.

Yonghwa only moved and took over the wheelchair when she started maneuvering it herself so she could leave. He brought her back to her room in silence. Since her head fully bowed, face downcast, and her long hair falling on her face, he took the initiative to carry her to bed. That was probably the closet Yonghwa got to her as he parted her hair that was curtaining her face, took her arm and draped it on his shoulder and gently pulled her up from her chair.

Joohyun didn’t protest. She was too weak and worn-out to even figure out the fast beating in her chest while Yonghwa carefully let her body fall on her bed. Her tears fell again like her eyes have found this new skill to turn her emotions to fluid.

She cried. It hurts. She will go on hurting for as long as she thinks and she didn’t want to be alone. Joohyun was scared to cry alone—again.

Yonghwa heard her soft sobs; he felt her arms tightening their hold on his body; he felt her tears on his shoulder. He shut his eyes tight. He didn’t want to be there. With his free hand, he gently tried to peel her arm off but she gripped him even closer until he just let himself be possessed and sat beside her on the bed. Yonghwa cradled Joohyun in his arms as she cried softly, gently, hardly making any sound.

“I-I’m sorry… I’m so sorry… please, don’t leave…”

Yonghwa heard her beg in between sobs and he found himself whispering, “I won’t…”

She cried herself to sleep while he sat beside her and held her hand.

......................................................................................................................

sorry for the delay :(((((