well, here goes nothing:

Chapter 20. Existence

“I exist in two places, here and where you are.”

— Margaret Atwood

She opened her eyes. ‘Oh, god…’ Joohyun mumbled to herself as the digital clock flashed the time and the date at her.

7:03, Saturday.

‘What is happening?’

She doesn’t have a concrete memory of it but she felt like she was living in a familiar moment. Joohyun brushed the thought aside blaming it to the impending events for the day.

Events.

Something was not really right.

“Ya, Seo Joohyun, snap out of it!” She commanded herself feeling her body as she stretched her arms and legs. Then she yawned and reached for her phone under her pillow and dialed his number. After the fourth attempt, he answered her call, “Ya… you were still sleeping this late?”

“Good morning to you too, sunshine…”

“Hmmm… I’m getting up now though.”

“Ya, hurry up?”

“Yes, your highness!”

 “I’ll wait for you…”

“Okay, I’ll hurry. I love you, sunshine.”

“I love you too, silly.”

As the conversation was happening, her mind was already conceiving its order. It seemed that the hairs on her body stood on their ends. Maybe it was déjà vu. But, if it was a déjà vu, why did it feel stranger and more real?

“This must be a dream.”

Joohyun repeated to herself until she suddenly thought of her sister. Goosebumps again. She stood and ran to the door because she seemed to know that her sister was going to—

Her Yuri Unnie beat her to it and was now peeking in, “Oh, you’re up?”

“Ahh… yeah…” she found herself saying. She needed to say or do something, at least, to break the momentum of that déjà vu but she stood still, perplexed.

“I’ll be at work the whole day today. I’ll be home tomorrow afternoon.”

“Kay… try to get some naps.”

“Will do! I love you.”

“I love you too!” she called out just when the door closed.

Joohyun’s knees weakened and her legs just dropped on the floor with a loud thud.

No, it wasn’t déjà vu.

She was reliving a moment.

But why?

And how?

After an hour or so Shinwoo came and he made breakfast for her while she prepared his study guide for the upcoming exams. They studied after breakfast then sprawled themselves on the living room floor watching one episode of A Gentleman’s Dignity.

Joohyun has never been this confused. It felt like living a dream although she was wide awake— more so that this dream was more like a nightmare. Something was frightening about this feeling she recognized. If it was a mere déjà vu then it must have been over a few minutes ago but it wasn’t.

It was, as if, there to stay.

For a brief moment, she felt a pair of eyes studying her and shifting to look at Shinwoo proved it true.  “Stop looking at me like that,” she found herself saying but she bit her tongue because the weird feeling got into her again.

“Like what?”

Joohyun rolled her eyes and deadpanned, “Like that.”

“Like this?” He asked playfully cocking his head just to irritate her some more.

“Aish!” She glared at him long and hard just to emphasize that she wasn’t going to take another teasing but then again Shinwoo covered his face with both hands, “What is it this time? And I am not hypnoti—”

“Aww, I’m busted! How come you know that already?

Joohyun’s eyes widened. Yes, everything happened.

And it was happening again.

How?

“Yah…” Joohyun muttered with all the emotionless expression she could manage despite the loud beating in her chest, “Watching this drama is your idea. So, can you not do those things?”

“Okay…” Shinwoo laughed and offered her a peace sign with his fingers. In the middle of the drama though, he paused on one scene and looked at her yet again, “Do you really hate me that much?”

Joohyun rolled her eyes, sat up and decided to just go with his kind of crazy, “No, I don’t hate you…” she shook her head with a smile, “Not all…”

“Those words are so encouraging. How about letting your emotions take over? Or letting the alcohol take over?” It was his cue to sit up closer to her and as after he did; he cupped her cheeks, “Or just let me take over?”

“ISSSSSHHHHHH!” Joohyun finally pushed him away and sat on the sofa behind them.

“Ya! Don’t you think it’s cool?!”

“Yeah, it’s cool, of course it’s cool especially when said by Donggun Oppa. Aish! You don’t have any originality at all!”

“Ya! Ya! That’s the best I can come up to! Don’t you just love that part? When Dojin looked helplessly at Yisoo. And what Donggun Oppa?”

She rolled her eyes suppressing a laugh while he tugged on her foot, “You’re the helpless one, do you know?”

“Yep, I know, I’m helplessly in love with you~” Shinwoo winked but laughed when she pretended to gag.

“Aigoo, until what time are you planning to piss me off today?”

He said as he stood and straightened his shirt, “It’s actually the end of it… I need to go but I’ll be back.”

“Where are you going?”

“I need to accompany mom for her check up.”

“Check up?” she inquired hugging her folded legs. She knew beforehand what his answer was but she went on, “Is Umma sick?” 

“No, just the yearly check up thing.”

“Okay, you take my car,” Joohyun bended over to get the key on the side table and threw it at him.

“Didn’t you say you’re going with the girls later?”

“Yep, we will buy dress for Yoona Unnie’s birthday. But Sooyoung Unnie will pick me up.”

“Okay, don’t forget dinner tonight at halmeoni’s”

“Yeah, I’m buying a gift for her and your brother too. What do you suggest I should get them?”

“Whatever you like, or flowers for halmeoni. I don’t really have any idea.”

There was this sudden jerk on her chest. Before Shinwoo said that she already thought he would really suggest flowers.

A flash of this basket of flowers came in her mind.

Déjà vu all over again.

Flowers.

“Sunshine? Are you okay?”

Shinwoo was watching her carefully. The hairs on her arms were still standing on their roots. She flashed him a smile, “Ahhh… nothing… I’m just…” she turned away from him soothing her arm then muttered absentmindedly, “Okay, I’ll figure that out later.”

Then she felt his hands on her shoulders as she was carefully spun around for him to see her. Joohyun smiled when Shinwoo bended down and pecked on kiss on her lips.

“Okay, where should I pick you up?”

“I’ll just call you.” She said as he took a step back and started gathering the books and notepads on the floor. Her heart was still in a rapid beating that she decided to just go to her room so he won’t notice how uncomfortable she was feeling that moment.

She paced back and forth trying to figure out the exact reason why she was feeling like that. As things unfold before her, slowly, she knew that it happened. Only the exact moment they were about to happen that she got this feeling. She shut her eyes tight.

‘Focus, Joohyun, focus…’ she repeated to herself. Maybe if she did focus, she would understand. Perhaps it would help her to understand why it was happening.

The clock ticked. The sound was tugging in her chest, in synchronicity—

Synchronicity.

It was only when her eyes landed on her desktop’s wallpaper that she noticed the date.

Saturday.

It flashed right in her. Once in a dream; once in the past— or once in the distant future, everything happened, this way.

Exactly this way.

 She shook her head and walked to the dresser. Her hand found the brush and she absentmindedly started to run it through her hair.

“Aw hell…”

His voice finally stole her away from reverie that she cast a quick glance at him outside her bedroom door with his phone in his hand and back at the mirror, “Something’s wrong?”

“Ah nothing… I’ll go first…” Shinwoo shook his head as he walked and rested by the doorjamb.

“Okay, see you later…” She smiled looking at his reflection on the mirror as she brushed her hair.

“Yep…”

Shinwoo nodded but remained standing there. “What?” Joohyun finally dropped the brush and walked over to him.

“Nothing… I love you…”

That brought familiar butterflies in her stomach. She smiled, “I love you too, silly.” Joohyun dropped her hands on his shoulders and gave him a soft pat— understanding that nothing was everything she wasn’t saying herself. Shinwoo gazed at her silently lingering for a moment before he smiled. She knew he would kiss her and she would allow him.

And it happened. The kiss. They kissed for several occasions. They kissed most of the time on their unguarded moments. But this one— this kiss, it was something more. Something deep, something lingering. She felt her arms embracing him closer that he could just melt in and she would never let go. Shinwoo tugged on her lower lip, biting it lightly that she moaned on his mouth.

It was different. This one was different and she was letting him make it different, putting it in this space beyond their unspoken boundary. She couldn’t tell how long it lasted. She got drowned on it for that moment until she finally felt him pushing himself gently away.

Joohyun opened her eyes when his lips parted with hers and witnessed this beautiful smile drawn on his face. Shinwoo smiled almost feverishly but started pecking little kisses on her cheeks and lips that she ended up groaning and protest as her eyes rolled. He laughed and before finally stepping back and gestured for the door.

“I better go.”

“Yeah, you better,” Joohyun, who was still catching her breath, nodded in agreement. Before he moved away, though, he pecked one more kiss and walked backwards as she hugged herself rubbing her arms when the room suddenly felt colder. Her back unconsciously falling on the doorjamb, she watched him until he reached the door. “Drive carefully,” She mumbled almost to herself.

~~~

“Ya, hello? Anybody here?”

It was Sooyoung who literally knocked on her forehead that she only noticed that she probably zoned out again. She gave her an apologetic smile and shook her head, “I-I’m sorry… I’m just thinking about somethi...” Her voice faded.

Her mind was actually empty for a moment.

“Yes? Joohyuna, what’s up with you?” She laughed at her friend’s confused expression. “Are you still in this earth right now? Or somewhere lost in space?”

“Nothing really,” she shrugged as her gaze fell on the cream dress her friend was holding, “Anyway, let’s just head back to that other shop. I think your mind’s made up for that sundress over there.”

“Oh… how did you know?” Sooyoung said thoughtfully as Joohyun took dress from her and put it back on the rack.

Joohyun stopped for a moment when she realized what she did. “Uhm, wild guess?”

“Oh well…” Sooyoung moved and headed to the door.

It was only when Sooyoung walked ahead when a similar feeling crept over her when the door of the shop made a very faint sound. There was something flashed in her mind. A car— her car. A song. Then loud sound. Then silence.

“Joohyun? Kenchana?”

“Yeah—“ she smiled then shook her head when she was about to nod, “Actually not.”

“What’s wrong, hon? Did something happen?”

‘Something will happen.’ Her mind suggested but she gave Sooyoung a faint smile. Then she told her about the weird things that had been happening since she woke up.

“Are you on drugs or something?”

“No! Of course not!”

“I’m sorry, relax! I was just joking…” Sooyoung waved a hand then gave her a small hug, “Look, you’re just nervous about this whole meet-his-granmom thing.”

Joohyun sighed. Probably, Sooyoung was right but most probably no one could understand her because she didn’t even understand what was happening.

Almost an hour passed and they both managed to find the ‘best dress’ they would wear for Yoona’s birthday. They decided to hang around a pastry shop in the shopping district while waiting for Hara and her boyfriend. Joohyun shoved the bad feeling at the farthest end of her mind but she wasn’t really that successful. Despite it, she tried her best to appear unshaken in front of her friend.

“So you’re finally meeting the other family members?” Sooyoung asked then put a generous amount of blueberry cheesecake in .

“Eung…” she nodded watching the older girl enjoy her treat. By that time, she was slowly getting the beat of it. Little by little, her ‘déjà vu’, or whatever it was, was already getting comfortable in her brain. “And I’m ecstatic about it.”

Sooyoung wiped her lips then rolled her eyes, “Believe me, I can tell.”

“I know, I’m sorry… I don’t know what’s happening to me right now.”

“Relax, okay? They won’t bite… besides, his brother is really nice and funny just like him.”

“You met him?”The thought of him presented a vague figure. She couldn’t put a face to this form but she knew Shinwoo would be the closest.

It gave her even more reason to feel jittery.

“Of course!” Sooyoung laughed. “And their grandma is hmmmm… how to say it?”

“Woah… you ARE freaking me out!” Joohyun complained watching that playful glint on Sooyoung’s eyes.

She laughed heartily then waved her hand, “Ani… President Jung is a typical grandmother. Don’t worry… she’s lovable… but yeah given her status, she can seriously be intimidating.”

“Really?”

Sooyoung nodded and shifted her attention towards the door and gasped, “Ahh, finally Princess Go Hara and her royal have come…”

Joohyun laughed and greeted their friends. The rest of the day went on the way it should be. Although she had moments of complete vagueness of her feelings, it was nothing that she managed to ignore all of them.

After a few hours, she stood outside McDonald’s as she waited for Shinwoo to pick her up. The basket of flowers rested beside her on the pavement while she cuddled the bottle of wine in her arms. It was the only thing Sooyoung could think of as she didn’t know what to buy herself. The familiar red car finally halted in front of her. Shinwoo got out and jogged towards her.

She had this unbelievable feeling of relief. Like she missed him so much. Like they hadn’t seen each other for years.

“Hi, sorry if I kept you waiting.”

Shinwoo dropped a kiss on her lips and smiled. She smiled back. She missed him.

He opened the passenger door for her but flashes of empty memory almost made her gasp. There was something wrong with her. She didn’t feel like getting in the car.

“Sunshine?” Shinwoo looked at her, concern written all over his face. “Are you okay?”

“Y-yeah, but can we? Can we—“

“Hey, you can’t park there!”

It was a police officer a few feet away but he was making his way to them.

“Yeah, sorry officer, we are just getting in.” Shinwoo bowed and pushed her gently in, “Come on, get in before we get his ticket.”

“Oh, yeah…”

After she got settled in and their gifts in the backseat, as he was about to start the car, Joohyun held on to his wrist, “Shinwoo, I don’t think—“

“I miss you…”

Shinwoo suddenly said with a small smile so she nodded totally forgetting what excuse she was to make, “Me too… I miss you… I love you…”

“And I love you…” Shinwoo smiled reaching over and kissed her softly, then brushed his thumb on her lips, “I love you…”

~~~

Time.

It moves ever so slow that you just want to hit the fast-forward button.

Yet, sometimes, it is ever so fast that you can’t even imagine what just happened.

She was nervous as she sat on the passenger seat almost five hours after they parted that morning. Joohyun was exhaling from and she didn’t even notice it until Shinwoo pointed that out. “I don’t know… the thought of your grandma freaks me out a little bit.” She lied. She knew what was about to come.

Maybe she could try to stop it from—

“Come on… lighten up, sunshine,” he looked at her with a tiny wink then back on the road.

Her gaze absentmindedly shifted from the speedometer to the fuel gauge. It was like looking at a clock— almost stationary clock, the needle pointing to this number and to that number repeatedly over a hundred times. She blinked away from the instruments then darted her gaze towards the dimming night sky. His grandmother’s house was located by the outskirts of town, in one of the gated communities with the magnificent views of their whole little town.

Because it was on a hilly spot, the road curved and zigzagged like a maze but the landscape around them was breathtaking that she couldn’t figure out where to focus, momentarily making her forget the weariness she had been feeling. Finally, they took another route, this time the tall thick trees on each side of the road were blocking the remaining sunlight that the headlight just illumined their path.

She remembered to list the things they needed to buy for Yoona’s surprise birthday party. Shinwoo and the band were scheduled to play on a nearby town so she would just drive herself around for that day. There were so many random things hovering her head. Perhaps, there was something she could distract him from. Maybe.

But then again, maybe she was wrong. Maybe her mind was just making up those things. Maybe there was no accident.

Accident.

Where exactly did it happen? Her head turned to the side, maybe she would remember any land mark from that day.

What day?!

What day exactly she was trying to remember?

Joohyun was starting to get a headache.

Shinwoo snickered beside her, “Yah, will you please just sit still?”

Joohyun rubbed her hands together. She was fidgeting. “Shinwoo, I think we must—“

He clicked his tongue totally ignoring her but laughed as he reached out to push a button on the stereo and Snowpatrol’s Chasing Car blasted on the audio. He sang along as he shifted gear when the road turned uphill again.

Joohyun lazily drummed her fingers on her lap trying to distract her mind. Her heart suddenly beat to loud.

“We’re getting closer.”

She almost gasped when he suddenly said that. She clearly remembered how it will happen.

Maybe her mind was just making it up?

For a split second, Shinwoo turned to her with an assuring smile and she smiled back despite the loud throbbing in her chest.

Maybe if she could sit still, then it would all go away and she would heave a big sigh of relief.

What could go wrong with him beside her?

Maybe she should focus on that moment and not what her mind was suggesting.

What could go wrong?

Maybe she should focus on what was now and here— their present existence.

They both looked ahead again, too late to realize the roadblock. The sign before that left unnoticed the moment they were looking at each other. It was too fast that it was hard to remember how it all happened as the car flew and flipped over.

Existence.

Something hurt… then something felt terribly painful.

SHINWOO!!!!

It happened.

Joohyun managed to turn her head towards him.

Shinwoo looked at her and said something.

She couldn’t make out what it was but she knew he said something.

Shinwoo said something and she couldn’t…

Silence gripped her by the neck.

Time stood still.

The world lost its color.

~~~

“Joohyun…”

“Joohyunie…”

She opened her eyes and found her sister looking at her and felt her warm palm on her cheek. Only when she looked up that she became aware of her surroundings.

The bright light of the ICU.

The strong smell of medicines.

The steady hums of the machine.

She was still in Shinwoo’s room.

“Yonghwa called me and said you were here. He had an emergency call from his grandmother’s house so he rushed there and told me to get you here.”

Joohyun tried to open but no words came out.

It wasn’t a dream.

She went back to that day.

Joohyun was awfully sure.

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