08 | FRENCH 75

Baekhyun

The walk paths have been cleared of snow but flurries are starting to fill the ground again. Step by step, leaving our tracks. I don’t know why I’m looking back to see what it looks like but I am. My feet and her feet, our steps looking in sync at how flawlessly they left every track. I like the difference in our shoe sizes.  

I watch the condensation come out of my mouth when I sigh and it blurs my vision.

“Do you want to grab some coffee before we start shopping? Have you eaten yet?” Soobin asks me. First of all, she doesn’t really drink coffee. I’ve seen her do it at work but only when people give it to her. I’ve always felt like she only does it to be polite. But I don’t think she enjoys them.

And secondly, I have not eaten yet and I am starving. But I shake my head. “I’m fine unless you want to grab something,” I reply as I point to a random café that we are about to pass by. “Over here, you want?”

Her eyes flutter in curiosity as she scans the place from the outside. She looks hesitant when she presses her lips together in a wide straight line that made her dimples show.

I get the cue when acid quickly fills my throat so I look away before my gaze drags on again.

Those damned dimples will be the death of me.

“It looks nice in there.” She comments. Yup, it is nice. I bet it’s unnecessarily expensive too.

I don’t say anything to let her decide. In a perfect world, I’ll take her there without any hesitation, get her a nice and warm cup of hot chocolate and any type of breakfast bread or pastry she wants. But I already know that it’s going to be beyond my budget looking at how aesthetically pleasing the café looks. I bet people only go there to take pictures and post on their social media.

Everything is about aesthetics now.

I may be blabbering because I’m cheap as but it’s true.

“Oh, there’s a stand right there. It smells good from over here.” Soobin points at the old man’s stall that’s right beside a bookstore. Oh, I know that stall. He sells the best fish-shaped pastries and hot beverages.

Okay, that I may be able to afford.

I try to refuse the smile that wants to form on my lips as I look down. “Do you want some—” I swallow hard when my voice breaks mid-sentence. “They have, uh—do you like fish-shaped pastry, I can bu—” I stop again as I rephrase my question in my head first.

But before I could even ask, Soobin was already crossing the street while taking out her wallet from her purse.

“.” I grunt to myself as I follow her.

See, this is what I’m talking about. There’s always interruption—or I always chicken out—I mean, not that I’m trying to do anything at all. It’s not what it looks like. I was just trying to be nice.

As I get to her, she had already bought two fish-shaped pastries. She hands me one of them and it automatically warms up my palms. They’re fresh and they smell deliingcious. “Do you want coffee? He sells coffee too.” She offers this time.

I look around the stall and at the old man. “You have tea or hot chocolate too?” I ask him before pointing at Soobin. “For her? If you have, I will have some coffee.” I add.  

I don’t like getting something, like food or drinks, when I’m the only one having it. I just feel weird especially when it’s a warm drink that could help with the cold weather. When the old man says yes, I quickly take out my wallet. I have no cash with me. I check my jacket pockets, my pant pocket. Oh, for ’s sake! “Do you have a machine?” I feel bad asking the poor old man who obviously doesn’t have a machine. He probably doesn’t even know how to work a machine.

my life.

“I got it, don’t worry.” Soobin takes out coins in her wallet and I turn around. I feel sick to my stomach. My grip on the pastry tightens as I hear her talk to the vendor.

See? This is why I don’t date. And I can never date.

I’ll just look like a ing joke.

And nobody likes a joke. No matter how attractive they think I am. I’m not trying to be cocky but I just grew up hearing that and only that. I don’t have any other good qualities but that. At the end of the day, a person needs a dependable and financially stable partner to be with.

“Let’s go? After we finish this, I would like to start shopping.” Soobin hands me the small cup of coffee before motioning me to walk with her. In her other hand is also a small cup, but it’s hot chocolate. I finally meet her gaze after a while but I can’t help but look away again. I need a few more minutes to calm down from that humiliation. “Anyway, I think … I’m ready to answer more to your question about my history in .” She then tells me.

A part deep within my brain pinches with interest as I look at her and I automatically forgot everything else. “Uhm, okay?” I nod and a genuine chuckle escapes my mouth.

Now that I am slightly aware that one of her concerns is her body aka her self-esteem issues, so is everyone’s, I am interested to know more.

I take a small sip of my coffee. Hm, nice and hot—

“I’ve never had an with a man before. I … can’t seem to come during .” She reveals softly.

And instead of spitting my hot drink, I accidentally took a big swig of it. I recoil when I feel the burning sensation, lining across my tongue. Has she told me this before? If she did, I’m pretty sure I buried it away somewhere deep in my brain because that revelation stunned the bejesus out of me.

I may be making this up but I think she has mentioned in the past that one of her ex-boyfriends accused her of faking it.

I guess … she really does?

Yikes. That’s one big kick in the nuts for a man’s ego.

“Ar—are you sure you haven’t?” I ask, genuine concern filling up my throat as I look the distress written all over her face. She nods while looking straight at me. We continue walking in silence for a matter of seconds before I turn to her again. “Not even a little? Are you sure you didn’t miss it? You really … never?” I ask a stupid question but it doesn’t matter. I have to confirm this as a hundred percent fact.

She nods again.

First of all, with years of experience, I am aware that not all the time do women through l penetration. Sometimes, if not all the time, you have to stimulate their . Or you really really have to hit the right spot during penetration to make their bodies react the way you want them to. And that’s totally normal. You have to be creative. That’s how you make it fun.

What have her ex-boyfriends been doing to her?

Do they just shove their thing in there and expect a miracle?

“They’ve played with your … you know … right?” I ask and I try not to look terrified but I think I am failing because she looks anxious as .

“The—they tried but … it’s not quite right—I don’t know, it’s either too little or too much for me and it’s never the right—I don’t know how to explain things like these so ... you can guess that I wasn’t able to really open up to them either. I didn’t want to offend them.” She replies, only giving me a vague answer.

I know what it is; the right pressure, the right angle, and the right rhythm.

I start feeling warmer and warmer all over my body as I process this information in. The subtle redness on her cheeks that may or may not be because of the cold weather makes it hard for me to look away. I open my mouth to speak more but nothing comes out at this point.

There’s only one way to solve this.

But that way might also be the cause of my death.

I take another sip of my coffee as I look away. Oh, my freaking god, what did I get myself into? Did I not think that this was eventually going to happen when she asked me to teach her ?

“Oh, there’s the store.” I find the lingerie store I always pass by, not on purpose, not by choice, every time I’m in this area. You see, my brother is still a man. He’s a teenager. He may not get the feeling exactly the same way as other men do but it’s still ing there. And he enjoys it if you know what I mean.

The mannequins in that store are the only mannequins he’s not afraid of … let’s just leave it at that.

Our conversation goes to a complete pause as we stand by the store to finish the last bit of our food and drinks. Neither of us said anything more and I could tell that she was avoiding my eyes as much as I am avoiding