51 | WARM SPICED VANILLA

Soobin

The last five days of my two-week leave consisted of one more therapy session and familiarising myself with this new awareness in me. I’d been catching myself saying ‘Oh, is that why I do this?’every time I’d do all my usual activities and now learning that I either overdo or underdo them. It’s always been rare that I am ever in the middle and balanced. I always jump from one degree to the other, be it my understanding or my overall approach towards things.

And that … is totally fine.

It makes me unique. It makes me Choi Soobin.

Also, knowing what I know now helps me a lot in managing my emotions and behaviours. Perhaps, I am overdoing it again like I always do but I’ve been researching a lot about my condition to better understand how it works.

I haven’t seen nor talked to my parents since that day. And the last time I heard from Hanbin was three days ago when he texted me saying that he was leaving for Japan soon. He didn’t give me a date, all he said was that it was confirmed and his plan to move away again wasn’t going to change anymore even if our parents tried to stop him.

Honestly, good for him.

I never thought about it this way before but now, I might have a clearer idea of why he was so eager to find a career outside of the country way back when he just got married.

If there was one thing, I wish he was more reasonable about is the situation regarding his son. He has not, even for a second, mentioned the little boy. It’s like he doesn’t care about him one bit and that to me is very problematic. I just hope that he would still help Hara financially when it comes to their child, that’s very important as well.

A familiar vehicle parks right beside me and I quickly gather my things to step out. It’s my boss. It’s nerve-wracking to me because it’s been a while and I know that he will ask me how I’ve been. I had a script in my head, but I lost it as soon as I saw his silhouette inside the car.

“Look who has returned!” He beams as soon as he is out. The relieved smile on his face makes it easier for me to respond by mimicking his energy. “Good morning, chef!” I bow politely and we begin walking together towards the restaurant.

I can already see some of the staff setting up around from the outside.

I glance at my boss who still has the same smile on his face. He looks back at me and even winks but to my surprise, he doesn’t grill me with questions like I was so anxious about all morning while I was getting ready.

“I’m so glad to have you back, Soobin.” He only says before very gently dabbing the back of his hand on my shoulder for the quickest pat. I’m surprised he didn’t excitedly rub my back or squeeze my shoulders like he always did. Sometimes, he’d even pinch my cheek.

None of what I was prepared for happened.

And I am not complaining but it’s quite weird.

Kyungsoo grabs the door and gestures me to go in first. “I’ll guide you through a quick update from the last two weeks and have a quick chat later, I’ll be in the kitchen first to talk to our head chef, alright?” He then walks ahead of me while still talking over his shoulder.

“Yes, chef.” I give him a half-nod.

Once Kyungsoo’s all gone to the kitchen, I brace myself for the second thing I’m nervous about—other employees greeting and asking me how I’d been.

It’s all cool, I can keep it nice and short.

No need to make it too complicated, Choi Soobin.

Remember, you don’t have to explain to them thoroughly. No need to overshare, they’re not the police. Just say that you’ve been—

My mind instantly went blank when I spot one person I was least expecting to see right at this moment. Byun Baekhyun is there, behind the bar, smiling in my direction. Isn’t he way too early for his shift? Did he perhaps … come to work earlier for me?

“Hi, Miss Soobin!”

“Long time no see, Miss Choi!”

“Welcome back, Soobin!”

“How’ve you been, we missed you!”

All the other employees and their words faded out as soon as I met Baekhyun’s eyes. “Hey, welcome back, Binnie.” His words almost sounded like he was singing them to me, and I was certain that I am starting to hallucinate again otherwise there wouldn’t be glitters and cherry blossoms falling behind him right now.

I only realize that I’ve completely frozen up when he taps the bar a couple of times to get my attention. I glance behind me to very very quickly acknowledge the employees with light nods before spinning back to Baekhyun’s direction.

“Hi, Baekhyun.” My voice comes out very weak and airy, but I feel the grin on my face widening. “Wha—what are you doing here? You’re quite … early, no?”

God, I missed him. I missed him so much I could just … jump on him. I’ve never wanted to touch and kiss someone as badly as I do right now.

“Well,” He folds the cloth neatly and sets it down before pressing forward against the bar on a tiptoe, decreasing the gap between us a little bit. “To give you a little update, I’m now a full-time bartender … and a one-woman man.” He doesn’t even let me process his last vague phrase before he gets off the bar to continue with the prepping, ultimately walking away to the other side of the bar where I couldn’t reach him.

I mean, it’s not like I would have grabbed him and kissed him right there. But I wish I could.

One-woman man? What could he have meant by that? I’m genuinely confused right now. “I do—I don’t understand?” I blurt out.

When Baekhyun turns around again, I sense reluctance in his smile as he looks down at the cloth he was holding. It takes him quite a bit before he was able to look at me again, but now with a more lopsided grin. “It’s over, Soobin. I’m free from it and it’s because of—” He stops mid-sentence and looks away again.

It seems like … something happened but I can’t quite tell if it was good or bad. If I’m not mistaken, Baekhyun seems just as unsure as I am—which is weird and concerning.

I hope this has nothing to do with his dad. When I paid a visit last time, Mr. Byun actually told me that he is booked for a kidney transplant and is currently on a waiting list. Apparently, Kyungsoo and Miyoung loaned them some money which I think was so generous of them to do.

I wish I knew about it, even just a little. There was a moment from two weeks ago where Baekhyun seemed to have almost told me about it, but he never did eventually.

I understand that it is a very serious problem and that we weren’t dating anymore at that point but I wish he still told me. His father explained to me that perhaps Baekhyun just didn’t want to worry me. But I’m upset with myself knowing that my then-boyfriend was going through a lot of things all at once—not to mention the dilemma regarding my brother—and couldn’t lean on me.

If we really get back together, sooner or later, one thing that’s going to change is that. I will make sure that I will be more attentive and proactive as a girlfriend. I know it’s a lot and I’m not completely confident about myself yet, but Byun Baekhyun is worth all the effort.

Real love is a decision, after all. And I’ve decided that I will love him with all that I can, even when things get complicated. Or even if we ultimately never get back together, I will still love him just as much.

“Uhm anyway,” I collect the only words that are dreading to come out of my brain as I stare at his back figure. “I missed you.” I quickly say before scurrying away into the office.

I spent the first two hours of my day recollecting myself in my workspace and getting the hang of it again. I must admit, being away from all of these for two weeks made me miss it a little bit, so I feel like my energy level is much higher than normal.

It’s still so weird to me that Baekhyun is now working full-time. I am still yet to find out why and how it happened but I’m just so excited and happy for him, I know just how much he hated that part of his life and now that it’s all gone, he could start fresh and do better things.

Perhaps it’s the universe finally helping him out. First, regarding his father’s condition and now this. He deserves every bit of it, and I hope blessings would keep coming to him from now on.

I knock sounds on my door which makes me stop typing. The door opens right away and Baekhyun’s head peeked in. “Busy?” He asks quietly.

I roll my chair out of the table to face his direction. “No, I’m not that busy. Ho—how can I help you?” I sure hope I don’t look as excited as I am inside because I fear that I would look hysterical. I’ve been waiting for us to have the time to talk since I got here two hours ago.