23 | BUTTERFLY FIZZ

Soobin

“But the thing is … it’s you.”

Baekhyun’s words buzzed in my head at a disturbingly slow pace that makes me feel some type of way as if I have overdosed on nighttime flu medicine.

They echo over and over again until they finally sank in. It’s me. Did he mean that it’s me that he’s in love with? Or did he mean that it’s me that he’s choosing to be in love with? Wait … there’s barely any difference between those two options. Holy crap, it’s me. That’s it?

The rain pouring right on my face doesn’t make it easier for me to think this through. I grip his hands that are still cupping my face and I timidly push them down. But before I could let go, he locks our fingers together and let them hang between us. “Soobin, you’re probably freaking out right now. I don’t—I don’t need your answer right away. Or even better … I don’t expect you to answer at all. I just—” He shakes his head and he has this crying face but I can’t confirm since it’s raining.

All I know is that I’ve never seen him this troubled. “Sorry, I—” He huffs out a staggered breath and I feel his hands slowly parting with mine. He takes a few steps back as he raked shaking fingers across his wet hair. “I shouldn’t do this to you. I know you very well and this is going to change things between us and you’re gonna start acting weird and I don’t want that to happ—”

“I’m in love with you too.” I blurt out.

It was reflex. The words just came out of me as if they’ve been waiting all my life. Like they’ve been trapped under my tongue for many years and I feel some type of way that I never had before. My chest has never felt lighter. And I’ve never felt more relaxed saying such a complex sentence to another person.

It felt … natural to me.

To be in love with him. To love him.

Because he’s Byun Baekhyun.

Now, it’s my turn to take a step back. I just stunned myself there. I said that so easily, I didn’t even flinch. He’s going to think I’m weird. Or he might think I’m just an extremely impressionable person who’d say I love you too to anyone who says they love me.

But in reality … I don’t just say that to anyone. And he’s definitely not just anyone.

“Okay, have a good eve—evening then.” I stutter as I take small steps backwards. I pick up my umbrella from the ground before twirling around to run away. Wait, no, I need to lend him the umbrella at least. I spun back and stretch my hand out to him as if he’s a pit of flame that I am protecting myself from. “He—here, use it,” I tell him.

He just stands there, looking as dumbfounded as ever.

As if the heavens are saving me from this awkward situation, the bus that I assume he was waiting for arrived. I glance at it before cautiously adjusting my gaze back in his direction. “Your bus—the bus, it’s here, your bus is here,” I inform him just in case he hasn’t noticed it although I highly doubt it since it’s pretty loud and it’s a big vehicle. There’s no way a grown man with nearly perfect twenty-twenty vision as Baekhyun does would not see it.

“Man, are you getting in or not?” The driver shouts from the inside after the door slid open. I take the initiative to approach the entrance of the bus and bow. “Yes, he is, sir. I’m sorry. He is getting in.” I assure him.

“No, I’m not getting in after you just said that,” Baekhyun says with a deadpan expression.

I turn to him, his sharp gaze never going anywhere else. “He’s getting in, sir,” I tell the driver again despite that I have lost all the abilities to look away from him. “I’m not getting in,” he argues again.

“No, he’s getting in.” I push more.

“I’m not getting in.” Baekhyun continues to fight back.

I hear a loud sigh from the driver. “Oh, for god’s sake, I’m not paid enough for this crap. You two figure it out and just wait for the next bus.” He hisses at us before pressing his button to shut the door closed. Then, he drives away.

I stand there awkwardly as I drop my hand that is still holding the umbrella. Baekhyun continued to refuse it. “Tha—that’s too bad, you missed your bus.” I clear my throat as I swipe my forearm over my eyes to clear the water off my sight even just a little bit. “I’m going in. Here. I’ll drop it here, you just take it when you—you’re ready, I guess? Go—good night then.” I put the umbrella down the puddled cement of the sidewalk before turning away.

I sigh in relief when I hear the sound of him picking it up. That short-lived relief was put to an end when I hear footsteps right behind me. Oh god, he’s following me. I don’t dare turn to look nor say anything all the way until we got into the building and I am waiting in front of the elevator.

If I didn’t have to wait, I would have just kept going until I am nowhere near him.

But now … I’m stuck here. This is just terrible. What am I supposed to do now? I just confessed that I am in love with him and probably terrified him as much as I terrified myself. “Ca—can you say it again?” Baekhyun’s voice is choky, more air than sound.

“Say what?” I ask.

“The last thing you said.” He answers.

I blink. “Good ni—night?” I follow his order but I have a feeling that that’s not what he wanted to hear at all. I look at the buttons of the elevator and realized that I haven’t even pressed anything. Oh crap, I am a mess tonight. I quickly press my floor before hugging my cold arms together.

I feel him come closer which makes me flinch but I keep my eyes on the stainless steel door of the elevator. “No, the last thing before that.” He insists.

I fake a laugh and without even realizing it, I begin rambling. “Then if it’s the thing that I said before the last thing, it means it’s not the last thing I said. It could be the first thing, or the second thing, or the third thing or the fourth thing or the fifth thing or the—”

“I’m in love with you.” He cuts me off.

My chest squeezes and I feel lightheaded again. Is it possible that this is because of the champagne I chugged in? I mean … if I’m not mistaken, I don’t think I drank enough to feel this buzz in my head. Also, it’s been a while ago since I did that. So the only thing I could was to fake another laugh, but this time I did it so hard that I sounded like a pig. “I sa—I said that?” I ask.

He comes closer once again until I could feel his damp firm chest on my shoulder. “Yes and also, I’m just—” He huffs out a sigh and his hand wrap across my rib, his fingers skating cautiously along the sensitive curve of my underboob when he turns my body to face him. “I’m just in love with you.” The softness and the release in his tone break every barrier I have inside of me.

I feel extremely exposed and I’m just not ready to face it proudly just yet. I don’t think I want to take it back. I want to keep it with me. I want to keep saying it. I want him to hear it every day. But I need more time to process this new reality that I once thought was nothing but a fairy tale.

I’ve been so used to keeping these feelings to myself. My feelings for him. They never bothered me in a way that they’re bothering me right now. They’ve been a part of me for as long as I could remember that it came to a point that … they almost felt irrelevant. Or that my feelings were irrelevant. As if they’re just essential fragments buried deep within my heart that make me function the way I know how to.

And now that they’re out in the open. Now that he has heard me out, these emotions somehow feel brand new again. They feel heavier. Stronger.

The elevator finally splits open and I take this chance to step away from him and get in. “I ne—I need to get back home,” I say, or more so whisper.

There’s a sensation stuck in my throat that makes it hard to speak. Let alone breathe. I look at his face and I see no disappointment. No judgment. No confusion.

Instead, he lowers his head and smoothens his mouth to hide the grin on his face, as if he’d expected this to happen.  

Had he? Am I that predictable?

I anxiously watch the elevator doors closed and at the last inch of it, I expect the worst from this interaction with Baekhyun possibly sliding his hand in and stopping it so he could get in and question me more. But he doesn’t do that.

I stare at my reflection on the door as the elevator starts moving.

He … didn’t push the subject anymore, like I was fearing. I am quite relieved but for some reason, a tiny portion of my silly brain almost hoped that I was brave enough to speak up, to say more, to show the real extent of my feelings for him.

But I guess I needed this. At least one night of just being … by myself and processing things. A lot of things happened tonight. A lot of words were said. And a lot of emotions were poured out along the heavy rain.

That’s right. I could use this time to just … calm down. “You’re alright. Everything’s good.” I tell myself as I unlock my door. Before stepping in, I squeeze the ends of my drenched pyjamas. Then, I wiggle my body like a dog just to shake off as much water as I can. I don’t want my floor to be all wet and slippery.

Once I am satisfied with myself, I get in. I close the door behind me and lean on it.

So, this is what happened tonight:

I press