15 | DARK ‘N STORMY

Soobin

Pick me up tonight. His text says.

It is fair that Baekhyun would consider last night and this afternoon a lesson. Therefore, a payment comes right after. But I am still getting the hang of twisting around my schedule. It’s not the best feeling when I’m just starting with a new habit but I should be fine. This is going to be temporary anyway.

Whether it is from that warm moment we had at his place last night or from those kisses we shared in The Alley Cat’s basement—I can’t help but feel a little concerned. He taught me things that I didn’t initially think mattered. Things outside of . Feelings that are beyond what could apparently give.

His touches. His soft kisses. His … eyes.

Now, I’m never an expert when it came to expressions. But those eyes that he’s been giving me lately are definitely something I haven’t seen from him. I tend to keep notes of people’s expressions so that I could learn them better and maybe be able to comprehend them more for future use.

But this … I can’t.

One main reason is that I know it’s all for the lessons. He could be making that expression up because he’s a good teacher and he genuinely wants me to learn the right and realistic way. I don’t want to get more confused than I already am.

He’s a good teacher. That’s all it is.

And besides, I think things got the best of me, mentally and emotionally, last night and today for a reason. Which I just found out tonight when I got home. My monthly cycle starts today. Crazy days always make a lot more sense when this moment happens.

No more explanations are needed.

I am a few days late which but I am normally regular. It must be from stress. I have been so stressed lately. With the recent breakup and now with these lessons that are just … difficult to handle because it’s with Baekhyun for a lot of different reasons—from changing my habits to spending an awful lot of time with him.

But then again, who am I to complain?

I started this. It was all my freaking idea.

If I knew better, I wouldn’t have asked for lessons from my high school-to-present crush.

“You,” I point to myself in the mirror after finishing my toothbrush and skincare routine. “Get a grip of yourself.” I don’t quite feel myself inside my body as I talk to this person in front of me. “Soobin. Soobin. Soobin. Soobin.” I call her over and over again because I feel like she’s not listening to me. My chest panged with pain when I look at her eyes. She looks very scared. She looks confused. She looks … broken.

And she is me.

“No.” My pointer finger stiffens when I catch her lips quivering. “It’s just your period. Don’t cry.”

That look when he feels like his heart is about to burst out of his chest just by looking at you

And know that you’re his and he’s all yours

And he feels like he’s the luckiest man alive.

Baekhyun’s voice echoes in my head for the millionth time as I continue to lecture myself in the mirror. “You’ve never felt that from a man and … Baekhyun’s words don’t count. It doesn’t count. Stop counting. It doesn’t count.” I lean closer and closer to the mirror until I am bumping my forehead against it. “It doesn’t count,” I repeat again and again while I hit myself. “It doesn’t count. It’s not real. It doesn’t count. Stop.” I hear my own voice weakening more and more as tears blur my already bad vision.

I only stop when I genuinely feel a possible bruising on my forehead. Luckily, I didn’t break my mirror. I had to have hit my head harder to do that.

I look at myself one last time and slowly, I feel the awareness coming back to me. And as soon as I did, I turn the faucet on and splash some more water on my face.

I should be fine.

Tonight should be fine. I’m just picking him up to pay for last night and today. That’s it.

And then … maybe I will wait for a bit before I ask for another session.

I need a mental break from all of these. Also, it’s hard to do lessons when you’re bleeding and in pain.

With my usual pyjama, I gather my car keys, wallet and glasses before heading out of the condo. It’s only 9:45 PM which means I’d be there before ten o’clock sharp. That’s good.

As soon as the chilly breeze hits me when I head out of the underground parking lot, my lower abdomen tightens more. Ugh, it hurts.

But again, I can’t complain. He clearly didn’t when he taught me all of those not-at-all-real things last night and today.

I turn the heater in my car seat on blast and it calms my body down a bit. It doesn’t take away the pain completely but it certainly helps. I hope Baekhyun doesn’t mind when he gets into the car later. My bum feels warm and comfy right now, and the strong heat radiates to my core.  Best feeling ever when you have cramps.

I arrive in front of the restaurant in no time and I am surprised to see Baekhyun already waiting outside. They must have cleaned up and closed earlier. I guess it wasn’t a busy Wednesday tonight. He quickly spots my car and rushes towards me.

When he got into the car, he makes an ooffh sound when his hits the very warm seat. “Sorry, I need the heater on. I have menstrual cramps.” I tell him right away.

He doesn’t say anything but he looks at me with widened eyes. Is he shocked that I get menstrual cramps? Or menstruation in general? I think I am considered normal in that department so why is he looking at me like he just heard the most devastating news ever? I am too young to go through menopause and I do not think I’d have premature menopause either. I am fairly regular and cramps are something I know I will be struggling with for the next twen—

“Well, .” Baekhyun hisses as he looks away.

“Huh?” I ask.

He shakes his head before bumping it right against the car window. I read discomfort in his body language which I could be totally wrong about but I assume it is anyway. “I’ll just turn it off. Sorry.” I reach for the button but he stops me. Our fingertips touch but he quickly retrieves his hand back like I’m some kind of contagious disease.

What did I do? He seems … mad at me.

“It’s fine. Just start driving.” He coldly says without even looking at me anymore. The silence that fills the small space between us once I start driving makes my lower abdomen hurt even more. The pain goes all the way up to my head. I do not recall any events that I may have made him upset. Neither last night nor today.

After what happened in the basement, we couldn’t have any more interactions because of work.

Was I too much in the basement? Did I ask for too much? I shouldn’t have kissed him. Maybe that’s it.

That’s the problem. I kissed him and he didn’t like that. It obligated him to teach me some other kisses. He didn’t have a choice but to be my teacher when we’re at a place where we’re supposed to be professional.

I have put him in an awkward position in that basement.

“As your manager,” I swallow hard. “I know it was my responsibility to keep everyone working professionally and efficiently. And I did not do that today when we were at the basement. It must have made you uncomfortable. I apologize. I promise that it will not happen in the future again.” I assure him.

It takes him about ten seconds before