01 | MOJITO

Soobin

There is something really wrong with me.

I cannot believe that this is the fourth time I have been dumped within such a short period of time—roughly one year since I started dating again. Why did I ever think this was a good idea? Sure, my parent’s aggressive borderline abusive encouragement for me to settle down soon might have affected my determination but being multi-dumped was not part of my plan. It’s meeting up, then getting to know each other, then making it official, then waiting some time for approximately two to three years depending on the parents’ participation in the relationship, and then tying the knot.

Other people make it seem so easy but it’s like Hunger Games out there.

I just want to find a good husband to settle down with and have conjugal properties with. Now, is that too bad? I just turned thirty and I am beginning to feel quite anxious. Is it the way I look? Is it that way I speak? The way I think? The way I handle things?

‘It’s boring, I don’t know what it is. You’re a sweet girl but it’s just … not right and I think you’ll agree.’

‘I’m sorry, maybe it’s not you but I don’t feel any chemistry when we’re in bed and that matters to me.’

‘I feel like you’re faking it every single time and that really affects my self-esteem as a man, Soobin.’

‘I feel like you’re disgusted in me when we’re having and I can’t stay in such a toxic relationship.’

Yup, I have one conclusion. I just really at . Because no matter how nice they try to put it sometimes, it always comes down to them not being satisfied enough when it comes to that. At this point, I can’t even say that men are just trash. Maybe I’m trash. I’m the trash.

Faking it? I have no idea how he figured that out so easily. I did well in drama class in high school. I’m sure I sounded exactly the same as those women in videos, I practiced more than enough.

Disgusted? Is it my fault that it’s just really not the most sanitary activity ever? Don’t even get me started with s. I hate it. There is nothing to like about it. Let’s put it this way—mouth is for eating and if you’re not eating, what is the point of pushing that thing in and out of your mouth for entertainment purposes?

I just don’t get it. What’s the big deal about ? It’s a small substratum of human relations. Okay, maybe it’s a big thing when it comes to populating and overall human nature but that’s exactly the point, just do it, get it done and then finished it. Why are there so many extra steps to it just to make it fun and passionate or whatever?

Like a normal viewer, it turns me on when I watch other people, the pros, do it in videos. But when I actually do it with another person, it just doesn’t feel … the way I expected it to feel. It doesn't seem to feel as y as it is in and that frustrates me. I get that my body doesn’t look like those in the videos. My hair doesn’t flow like that. My makeup doesn’t look as polished and camera-ready. I have flaws, many many of them. But I mean, I made my ex-boyfriends come but I think that’s just the way they operate. Men will always come no matter how ugly and intolerable you are. I think as long as you have the female anatomy, it happens.

For me … I only ever come when I do it myself. Or I don’t know, I really don’t know how it’s supposed to feel.

Is that wrong? Am I broken?

I shift my weight from side to side as I compose myself back, wiping the tears off my face. I gaze away from my phone and slide it back into my suit pocket before stepping out of the office. I probably should get back to work. I recoil when I realize I’ve been hiding in there for almost fifteen minutes, completely stagnant and uncooperative. “Right, birthday—I need to ask him about the birthday dinner.” I hear myself whisper as I step out of the office.

It’s my boss’s birthday today and we are going to have a company dinner later tonight.

Of all the days that I could be dumped. Now, I have to socialize all throughout the night even after my shift and act as if nothing happened. Or perhaps, this would be a perfect time to get intoxicated. It should help my frustrating dilemma.

And maybe the tears would dry easier when my body is filled with alcohol. Not my best logic to date but I believe if I have enough will, I’d make it possible.

I see my boss at one corner near the entrance of the restaurant, looking outside through the glass. My boss, Doh Kyungsoo, is one of the nicest and coolest bosses I’ve ever had. We used to work together in another restaurant—right across us, to be specific—where he was a head chef and I was also a manager until he recently opened his own restaurant and I was lucky enough to find my way back into his team.

I rush behind him and press my knuckles over my eyes once again to push back the tears. Once I feel that I’m ready, I tap him lightly which makes him turn right away. Anxiety swelled up in me when his eyes got rounder upon meeting mine.

Oh crap, are they red?

“Soobin? Were you crying? What happened?” He asks.

I quickly shrink in embarrassment when he dragged me back to the office. Ugh, I should have just locked myself up in the locker room until there are no more tears left. I eagerly shake my head as he gently gripped my arm. “No, Chef, just—my boyfriend broke up with me today. He te—texted me.” I try to explain myself but he is already pushing me into the office. I dislike confrontations the most. I at it. I handle pressure really well, in many kinds of situations within my career, but not when I’m on the hot seat. Not when all eyes are on me—in this case, just one pair of eyes, but still.

I only realize that tears are running down my face again when my glasses get hazy. Still, I smile it away. “Chef, don’t worry about it too much. I’ll be fine, I know it’s your birthday, I didn’t mean to—” He puts a hand up before pushing me to sit. “Just sit down for now and if you think you need time off, just go home. Break-ups aren’t easy so I understand if you want to take a day off too.” He suggests but I am quick to shake my head.

 Ugh, why does he have to be so nice?

I’m slacking off work by acting this way. Not good, Choi Soobin. Not good. Somehow, the way he takes care of me at the moment feels like he's a brother to me and I find myself looking up at my boss in defeat.

“No, I should be fine. I just—I just don’t understand—he’s the fourth guy that … told me the same thing about me and I’m starting to believe it and maybe there’s really something wrong with me that’s why I can’t keep a boyfriend.” I say, quickly wincing as I realize just how much I said. I wasn’t supposed to say anything.

Good God, his gaze is too strong, how could I not? It feels like I’m talking to a shrink. I wonder if he would have been a shrink if he wasn’t a chef—Oh my god, Choi Soobin, focus!

“Tell me what they say about you and I will tell you if they’re lying or not. I promise I won’t lie. You know how blunt I am when you do something wrong, right?” He asks before grabbing a chair and sitting right in front of me. Right. In. Front. Of. Me. Okay, is this really a therapy session now?

I feel trapped! Help.

If I didn’t know this guy was still hopelessly in love with his ex-girlfriend, I’d think he’s coming for me. Yuck, how could I even think of that right now? We’re not like that! He’s like my older brother. I look around the office to avoid him. He’s looking straight at me, waiting for me to answer.

What am I supposed to say?

I can’t answer that!

I’m dead. How did I even get myself into this? Kang Yunsu, why did you have to break up with me during a shift? Now, I am dealing with this, you scumbag. My boss would not let me go. I know him very well. He takes his employees very seriously and if I don’t say anything, he will force me to take a few days off thinking that I badly need it because my whole world cr