COFFEE FOR TWO

ii. One less broken china

2 of 7

---

The scent of Marlboro clung all over you like perfume. It made you gag at first but the urge to light another stick was almost unbearable as you made your way back to the apartment you used to share with her. You knew it was killing you. The slides on your health class were still fresh in your mind’s eye but it was a very handy distraction at the moment. Although perhaps it wasn't really the poison stick. It was probably the stupidity you were about to do at this point in your life. A part of you was fighting the logical and necessary so hard, conjuring happy memories, pulling up sickly sweet moments that have been proven to be addicting especially since those were merely memories now.

 

 

You never really realized how powerful memories were until they came at you hard. Those fractions of what you and her used to be were almost tangible, giving life to the nightmares you wish you can unsee. The flashbacks were live dark intoxicating things that made reality seem bland, monochromatic even. It would have been preferable if not for the after effects. The left over pain made you want to down a rack of vodka because it won't go away even if you do all the things that you willingly let go just so you could be with Krystal. Somehow you wished you felt sorry you did years ago because you didn't. Not even the slightest bit.

 

 

 

The hours that separated you from the moment seemed like milliseconds and you wished there could be time extension for this. You wished you could somehow just turn back the clock to probably change the things that lead you to the juncture of forever when everything started to fall apart piece by piece. That won't happen though, it was driving you mad that it won't.

 

 

 

Over thinking about the choices you've made was wringing your heart slowly so you stopped, sighing in defeat, you reach out for the keys in your pocket. There was a flickering thought of keeping those jiggly objects just in case but you dismissed it immediately, assuring yourself that just in case would not happen. Not this time, you repeated in your head again and again as you walk into the empty house.

 

 

 

Silence drowned you with foreboding feelings as soon as you stepped in. There was a strong urge that was compelling you to run out of the place that used to be your home for years. It unnerved you so much that you resorted to putting your phone on the dock. Tapping it to play music on shuffle absentmindly, you kept on moving around the room though your attention was already swept away towards the door on the right side of your den.

 

 

 

It was the same door as every other doors in the apartment but somehow it emitted a different aura. Your feet carried you there with your fingers longingly tracing the smoothness of the mahogany. That surface had somehow watched it all fall apart in a sense. Each silence and pointless fights that culminated to the point where it was supposed to all end up into a gargantuan explosion that didn't happen. It just broke down from the inside instead. Too fast for either of you to actually be prepared for what was coming.

 

 

 

You found yourself slumping in front of the damned door with your back leaning heavily on it. A few minutes passed. It was a verbatim repeat of the other days you've done the action whenever Krystal will kick you out of her room, or whenever you would say something stupid. Whatever was behind it was her refuge like your den was yours.

 

 

 

Exhausted didn't even came close to how you feel about everything. You just wanted to get over with it and start fresh regardless of that unyielding voice in your head that was coaxing you to back down from the decisions you've made. It won’t let you sleep at night but you ignored it, blaming the insomnia and your room mate who tends to be irritating with anything she does or says because she is not Krystal.

 

 

It was the hardest part of it all. Wherever you look and no matter how hard you try to do those handy tricks on moving on, it just doesn't work because your mind won't stop thinking how everyone else is not her. It that no one else could be her. Why can't anyone else just be her? You mumbled loudly as you hit the back of your head on the door behind you. Your eyes were closed.

 

 

 

AJ Rafael's voice suddenly crooned around the space almost making you jump out of your skin. It effectively stopped you from assaulting the inanimate object you were leaning on. You immediately scurried to your bedroom as loudly as you could, remembering your purpose for coming back.

 

 

 

The door hit the wall with a loud thud clearing some of the confusion in your head. Then it was only Aj Rafael’s voice again with Tori Kelly chiming in. It was that song. You contemplated on turning the thing off, but you focused on the reason you were back in the first place.

 

 

 

 

You left some of your stuff when you moved and you haven't returned the keys yet. One sticky note won't hurt, you thought as you pulled out the carrying bags from your back pocket. The task was easier than you dreaded when you did it robotically. Some of your stuff went to the bin while most were kept on the bag. Everything was put to place in no time. All that's left to do was writing the note and leaving the keys then it was done. No more you and her.

 

 

 

 

Your breath shuddered as you forced it off of your chest. The rocks were draining slowly in an invisible warp hole in the middle of your soul. It was painful but it was going away at least leaving you empty. It was draining all the good you know of yourself and somehow you knew deep down it won’t be good for you but you also knew that the whole ordeal was wearing Krystal off.

 

 

 

Never in a million years would you want to take away the brightness that was hers. Keeping the rundown relationship would do that and you just don't have the heart to do that to her so you forced your shaking fingers to move the drawers.

 

 

 

You need a Pen. The stack of sticky notes underneath your bed will finally be handy, you thought with a small smile due to the irony of the situation. It faded as soon as it appeared though. Your drawers were empty not even one was left from your pen collection. Those souvenirs people love to give you whenever they get back from vacation somewhere.

 

 

 

You bit your lip in thought contemplating whether or not you should just leave the key and get out of there. Scratching your not itchy head, you distractedly opened and closed the bathroom door.

 

 

 

The scent that engulfed you as soon as you opened it almost made your knees buckle. Memories started to crawl out of the jar were they were kept but you fought it by pacing, moving back and forth while locking your jaw. Left. Right. Left. Right. Left, matches the ticking of your jumbled thoughts. You've concluded that stalling will just make it harder than it already was.

 

 

 

Determined not to unnecessarily drag the task you should’ve done months ago, you dropped on your knees pulling the old shoebox with her sticky notes underneath your bed. It will be burned soon decidedly since you can't let Krystal know that you kept them.

 

 

 

The song was just reaching its crescendo when you shut your door down. We both know that we can't stay echoed all around the space. Those words made you scowl at the direction of your phone as you remind yourself for the nth time to delete the whole album when you got out of there. Leaving the carrying bags on the foot of the couch, you purposefully moved towards her room almost hurriedly.

 

 

 

Instead of just leaving the keys on the empty fishbowl on the left side of the flatscreen, you chose the riskier option. You blamed the song, and the pull of that door. Lying to yourself again and again that you were fine about the whole cutting everything off idea. Pretending that you didn't gave in to the temptation just so you could see a glimpse of her soul for the last time.

 

 

 

You hasten your phase agitated at yourself for a lot of things. Her door was never locked. Even when she shut it to your face she doesn’t ever lock it. She knew you have the keys to the room anyway and you learned the hard way not to try to get in when she already kicked you out. The week of silence still made your bones hurt with just the thought of it.

 

 

 

You walked inside as silently as you could for no reason at all, taking in the room that stayed the same. Your pictures were still all over the space. It was tempting to take it all with you but it wasn't yours to keep. There were numerous polaroids of you and Krystal. The one in the middle left caught your attention among probably hundreds of them.

 

 

Definitely a stupid idea, you muttered as you stare hard at one that made you choke on air. You tried to dismiss the theories that were brewing in your head because that damn corkboard was still there months later. You were sleeping with your mouth slightly open in the picture and Krystal’s face was pressed close to yours. She was smiling with her eyes. You missed that look on her face so much that the draining of the rocks stopped momentarily. The pain started hitting you again but your lips tugged upwards without really knowing it. An annoying surge of giddiness almost made your chest ache with a full blown pingpong match.

 

 

Smiling, sleepy make up less Krystal Jung will forever do that to you. You conceded, tugging the picture from the corkboard and pocketing it. The warning bells in your head rang loudly because you knew she'll know that you took it, but you scoffed at your sub conscious, dubious about the thought of her still caring for your actions.

 

 

 

It’s been three lifetimes already, you assured yourself walking away from the wall of your fears with a heavy pocket, eyes roaming around her space. With the keys turning in lazy circles on your index finger you noted how much Krystal's OCD tendencies were evident on the room. Dustless, well arranged, her numerous vinyl records were organized by artist, you knew without checking. The room looked like it came from an urban magazine, with her books aligned in spirals at the side of her computer desk. Nothing has changed and you didn’t know how you should feel about that.

 

 

 

You walked closer to her computer table to search for the well needed Pen. You’ve already thought of the words to write since you have a series of sleepless nights to do that. Her firm issued stationary provided you with the writing space you needed as you tested the pens to find the ones that were still usable. The first one you picked worked fine so you placed it on top of the mouse pad, ready to bolt out of the room to get one of those sticky notes from your shoebox. You will be the one to put one last sticky note on the--

 

The sound of breaking ceramic resounded all over her bedroom. It made you curse loudly as you stared at the pieces of her slender mug littering the floor. Its contents quickly emptied into the smooth surface. Your reflection scowled at you as the dark liquid tried to reach your Jordans. Krystal has always hated the mess. She’ll probably drag you back to make you clean it if you just leave it there so you hurried to her bathroom in search for washcloth or rag anything you can use to wipe the floor and your shoes.

 

 

Her shower curtain pulled to the side was the first thing you noticed. Her hamper basket full from top to brim next, then Krystal herself with her mascara running down her cheeks and the false eyelashes barely adjacent on her lids. She was deathly pale and she was looking at you with a blank expression on her face.

 

 

You blinked numerous times to try to make sense of the scene in front of you.

 

 

Krystal was the worst mess you've seen her in and it was probably your fault. Knowing how much of a truth that was made you feel like there were invisible scalpels tearing through your skin, peeling, layer by layer slowly. A shiver crawled up your spine with it. You were petrified in place as the bubble tea you've consumed creep out of your throat in a steady pace. Your hand reached for the sides of the door, holding to it shakily.

 

 

 

“Amber?"

 

Even your voice deserted you as you unsteadily tried to back away.

 

 

"Amber!"

 

 

She was trying to stand up, holding on to the smooth surface with closed fist. You managed a step backwards not letting go of the side of the doorframe.

 

 

"Are you staying? Let me fix you something."

 

"uh-Krys-"

"Sushi? I'll call, I just."

 

 

The hope in her voice hit you worse than the shaking and the hoarseness. She was still trying to pull herself from the bathroom floor. Your stomach heaved badly, with the rocks cemented in your chest weighing you down, your knees were threatening to give away.

 

 

"Give me a minute. Then we'll eat lunch, yes?"

 

"Soojung it's 4 in the afternoon..." you forcefully took a deep breathe, the rocks were relentless. The air around you was thinning faster and faster. Her eyes looked dead. The black hole were you knew the universe was kept has stopped from spinning. She tried again, falling on her bottom. She looked at you helplessly reaching out with her pale bony fingers.

 

 

“Please.” It was soft, broken, it snapped you out of stupor.

 

"can I?" You managed to make a sound with the turmoil within you. You waved your hand in a wide arch, gesturing to the bathroom. She only nodded at you looking away as she picked on the edge of her skirt. It seems that she has given up on pulling herself from the floor. Everything was starting to get hazy in your mind with every step you took.

 

 

The frailness, the shaking, the defeated slump of her shoulders, everything about Krystal was the opposite of what you knew and it was more heart breaking than walking away ages ago.

 

 

You stopped directly in front of her crouching to meet her eyes. Your favorite onyx eyes were welling with silent tears as she tried to hold back another sob. Her lips were trembling visibly, the chunks that the scalpels were tearing were getting larger.

 

 

"Are you going back home now?”

 

“…”

 

“What-what took you so long? I missed you.”

 

“…”

 

“I missed you so much"

 

 

The last word was uttered with an audible sob as she murmured close to your neck. It took the air out of your lungs and you were unable to stop your arms from pulling her closer. It was probably the guilt, or the rocks that were making it harder to breath. Her arms wrapped around you almost too forcefully. She felt cold, her skinny frame was shaking with every sob.

 

 

"sshh. It will be okay, I’ll fix it. I’ll fix it for you.” You whispered desperately to her hair as you rub comforting circles on her back. Murmuring things you wished you could have said during those nights that she cried herself to sleep. With all her weight leaning heavily on you, she just kept on sobbing and each time she did her chest heaved with yours. Everything went back in synch, the rocks were heavy but they weren’t moving.
 

 

 

The thoughts in your head were silent for the first time days.

 

 

***

 

Your calf muscles were protesting when you tried to move your limbs. Pins and needles were prickling everywhere as you try to shift into a more manageable position. You’ve fallen into an awkward sitting position with her still leaning onto you. Everything has turned calmer now.

 

She wasn’t crying anymore but Krystal still won’t let you go. You tried wiggling yourself out of her grasp but she just clung to you harder, straddling you.

 

 

 

“Krystal?” you whispered slowly, making indistinct patterns on her back. Her breathing was getting more even.

 

 

“Hmmm.”

 

“Let’s get you to bed? Chicken broth soup looked easy on Yummly.”

 

 

She just shook her head, burying her face deeper into your neck.

 

 

“Just bed then.”

 

 

“You’re leaving?”

 

 

The question resounded on the four walls of the bathroom as she forced you to look at her. Her hands were cold on your cheeks, bonnier than you could remember. Her eyes were full of dead stars but never not beautiful, bloodshot. Tired. Krystal was probably as tired as you, or more.

 

 

You wanted to ask, confirm the things that were making your head swim but you can’t. You won’t be able to give a response that will be fair or reasonable, better yet one that would stop the stars in her eyes from dying. So you just stared back, silently begging her to let go.

 

 

“I’m so so sorry.” You heard yourself utter after a while. Your voice cracked as you willed the tears not to fall. They won’t listen to you, like the pins and needles in your thighs. You were losing the feel of your legs and the heaviness inside you was getting more and more permanent each second.

 

 

Krystal acted like she didn’t hear you. She just kept on holding you close, struggling from your tugs to pull her away from you. She looked paler this close. Her silky black hair looked unkempt, the dark circles under her eyes were deeper. You noted the changes, as you thought of a way out of the situation. You just wanted a way out of it.

 

 

Be careful what you wished for rang loudly at the back of your head before she covered the distance. She didn’t kiss you. Her hook nose was touches yours softly as she took in a deep breath, sharing the air you breathe. It still felt right given the circumstances. The hands on your cheeks moved slowly to your nape.

 

 

“What did I do wrong?” She murmured to your lips, her eyes were close.

 

“Please, tell me. Say it Amber, give me the reason why we ended up like this.”

 

“It’s not your fault, it’s…” Your answer hang around the two of you bearing tons like the rocks inside your chest. Krystal didn’t push you to finish it. She was waiting patiently for you to continue whatever it was you were saying, patient for once after very long time. It was futile though. 

 

 

There wasn’t any sound explanation that wouldn’t hurt, or that wasn’t a lie. You don’t want your last conversation with her to be filled with more lies.

 

 

The sound of water dripping to the half empty pale joined the unsaid words in the air. It created a rhythm that matched the exchange of breath. It was soothing but your nerves were not settling anytime soon.

 

 

She pulled away after almost a minute of silence, standing up on shaky legs she was able to take hold of the lavatory, before leaning all her weight on the tiled wall.

 

 

 

“Would you stay if I beg again?”

 

 

Unlike her, you were unable to pull yourself up. The pins and needles were almost too much as you feel exhaustion leaden your muscles. You can hear your heart breaking at the back of your ears as her words echoed at the back of your head. You just look at her, perhaps for the last time.

 

 

For the very last time this moment, the scariest part of the monster you created was staring at you. The after effects of separation were too visible to miss. Designer clothes hang on her frame, wrinkled. Her skin lost that annoying glow that always haunts your dreams when you were finally able to cheat on insomnia. Krystal looked dead on her feet and you looked, fine. It was supposed to be the other way around.

 

 

“You should rest. Come on I’ll tuck you to bed.” Your voice was brittle but you managed to start another conversation, avoiding the question entirely. Silence was making the air more and more suffocating.

 

”Stop it.”

 

 

“I-Will you be okay? I’ll call Vic omma to room with you till you find someone.”

 

 

“I said stop it.”

 

 

“I should go. Left the keys on your desk, uh- the mess, sorry for the mess I’ll buy another one, I’ll even buy you that tee set you pinned last last last month ago. I’ll just-”

 

 

“Is it easy?” Krystal suddenly asked the air between the two of you, stopping you from blabbering nonsense, as she bore holes on the tiled wall on top of your head. "Is it worth it?” she added after a few heartbeats.

 

 

You didn’t know. You didn’t wanna know, all you knew was her voice has hitched an octave as she pulled herself from the wall to stand, looking defeated in front of you. All you could understand was Krystal looked so small and helpless. Your little Soojung coming up to you years ago whenever she scrapped her knee so you could fix it appeared on your mind’s eye. You shook your head to make it go away, even if a voice inside you was stopping you to make her leave.

 

 

“You should’ve just cheated on me. You should’ve just acted like a colossal . It would’ve kept me sane, it would’ve been fairer but no, you pulled a freaking were not working anymore on my face, before you left looking like you lost the powerball winning ticket and you expect me to just accept that! You were my life almost half of my existence for crying out loud! You can’t just bolt when it got so mess up and we’re lost on our own .”

 

 

Each word stabbed your cemented chest. Her glare has already moved downwards to your face. It felt like you should defend yourself but you don’t want to. You don’t want to be part of the conversation anymore. You just wanted to go home, wherever that was now. Your eyes traced the tile patterns on her feet.

 

 

“Look at me.”

 

 

You started counting the squares again. Two, four, six, eight-

 

“Amber Liu, look at me.” Your head snapped at her words, the silky tone was a low blow. She probably knew that. Krystal has always known that.

 

 

 

“Tell me what I did wrong.” She was pleading.  She was crying again. You just can’t look at her crying anymore. You looked away, forcing your legs to move as you try to run as far away from her as possible. You almost tripped as you took big strides, the biggest your traitor legs would allow you.
 

 

 

The air outside her room was less suffocating. You took your phone from the dock, pocketing it hastily as you crouched to pick up your stuff. Everything was going on in a blur, as you tried to stop the thoughts from slamming against each other in your head.

 

 

You were almost out of there when Krystal grabbed your arm in a vice like grip. It startled you. The shoebox fell from your grasp. Neon decorated with dried ink flooded the sickly green carpet in an instant. Her grip loosened slowly as she looked down trying to make out the words. The cute a’s and t’s were fading in and out of your eyes. Your stomach sank quickly as she crouched to pick one. It was one of her first notes, your favorite because she still cared. Won’t be going home tonight, Cereals in the cupboards, it said.

 

 

 

You’ve memorized it by heart though she probably has forgotten it already. It was too mundane for her exciting career. Too irrelevant compared to the bigger picture of making eco-friendly buildings that would probably not stop global warming but at least she tried. Her hand fisted the note and you can’t help but glare at her.

 

 

 

“You won’t be going out of that door unless you talk to me.”

 

 

“We’ve talked enough.”

 

 

“If we did, you won’t have to be keeping that much trash on –“

 

 

“Trash?!” anger erupted in your chest as you glared at her. She didn’t even flinch at your raised voice although she stopped for a heartbeat, probably rethinking her next words. You beat her to it.

 

 

 

“We’re done talking Krystal, or whoever you are now.” The finality in your voice effectively silenced her and the thoughts in your head. It gave you an odd sense of satisfaction before you crouched down to pick up the notes and put every piece back to the box.

 

 

 

“Please stay.” She broke the silence when you’re halfway done, kneeling down to your level.

 

 

“Krystal let me go, I’m not even good for your ego anymore, so why keep me?”

 

 

You cannot look at her pleading eyes. You’re still too weak against her pull on you. The supposedly easy task of putting things back on the box became harder each second. Her heated stare was caressing your face. It was everything you wished she has done a year ago, when everything around you was falling apart and she had become one of the strangers you meet every day. It was probably too late for that now.

 

 

Krystal responded just when you thought she would not. You were done putting the shoebox’s lid on.

 

 

 

“I love you.”

 

 

It is statement with no underlying emotions at all. Her way of declaring facts, like the way she did it years ago when she told you she will be an architect, that she will be moving in with you.

 

 

“You didn’t mean that.” was your reply to try to convince yourself and her, mostly yourself.

 

 

“We both hope I didn’t Amber, but I do. I don’t say those three words just for the sake of saying it, you know me.”

 

 

“I really thought I did. I wish I still do and I’m sorry but I love you won’t keep me this time.”

 

 

“Apparently even begging won’t, now what?” She asked belatedly, words trailing as she stood up to inch closer to you, you moved back leaving your stuff on the floor, almost toppling the lilies. You were able to catch her next favorite piece of china in the house, that broken coffee mug was the first.

 

 

“Let me fix it this time. Please let me do the fixing.”

 

 

Krystal was invading your personal space like she used to when the two you moved in first. She wasn’t touching you at all. The light of the room gave you a clearer view of what you have done.

 

 

“It is too late for that, look at you.” 

 

 

 

“Try and go on being homeless for three months and you’ll probably look worst stupid.”

 

 

 

“You weren’t homeless. You have a two bedroom with a wood accented furnace.”

 

 

“When will you let that go? It looks nice.”

 

 

“It should, it cost almost thrice my miscellaneous fees”

 

 

“I didn’t hear you complain when I pinned you to it.”

 

 

You blinked a couple of times, mouth agape at her, a little too dazed. She was looking at you intently, her eyes bloodshot. She was again waiting for a reply. Seconds stretched into a minute or two but you didn’t dare open your mouth. You concentrated on looking away from her, and not breathing her in.

 

 

At least the momentary pause gave you a leeway to put your guards back up somehow. It made you realize that you were actually having the usual banter with her. It felt nice, comforting even, but it felt wrong. You’ve decided. You were even trying to move on from this. You can’t let her pull you back to all the empty promises and fleeting touches.

 

 

“Goodbye Krystal.”

 

 

“Oh for goodness sake, stop doing this to yourself.”

 

 

“Stop doing what to myself?”

 

 

“This. Don't go stay here with me. Tomorrow we’ll talk again, and the day after that too and the next days. We’ll do it slowly, we'll make us work again. Just give me another chance, I gave you yours, remember?"

 

 

“This isn’t like your million dollar deals. This is our life. You don’t get to bargain this one.”

 

 

“That is exactly the reason why I am bargaining this, can’t you see how desperate I am. I’d even pay you if I have to just to make you stay. This is OUR life. You can’t quit on me Amber. I-I ed up, I’m sorry I ed up. I’ll do better. Just, please, don’t leave me.”

 

“I’m sorry for both of us too, Krystal.”