PENDULUM

v. Promises

 5 of 10

You were standing in front of a merry-go-round, looking across the street. Krystal was seated at the picnic table under the old willow tree. The bar exam was a few days away. You can’t bring yourself to walk closer because she seemed okay already after that day far away from the city, you were just relieved that she’s okay. 5 more minutes, you promised yourself as you stand stupidly in the playground, watching your greatest dream, try to reach for her dreams again.

Krystal was playing with the pencil she was holding, unaware of the world staring in awe. She cut her hair short, it was just over her shoulder and she looked healthier than the last time you’ve seen her. You’ve stumbled across her study area when you were running errands for the senior partner the other day. You were glad you got out of the car that day. Krystal was finally back in the same city as you years later.

You walked away when she looked up from her book, she has forgiven you. She has let you go already, you must too. You forced your legs to move until you cannot hear the children’s laughter anymore. I’m sorry. You told the wind, as you got in the car to start another taxing day talking legalese like a jackass. You got really good at being a jackass.

xxx

You were sent by the law firm to a convention in Thailand so you were away on the first week of Krystal’s bar exam. It’s the 2nd week and apparently the hardest. You were sure she can ace it though. Krystal loves the harder subjects, when the two of you were still studying.

You were at the edge of the barricade unsure where to look for Krystal. It was a typical bar exam day, people were waiting by the gates to show their support. It was really hot out, and you wished you thought about wearing more sensible clothes. You look boring in your button-down with the blazer hanging by your arms. You hope Krystal don’t see you there.

You really don’t want her to see you. You just want to see her because it’s been so long, and apparently you should be moving on but you knew in your heart that’s not happening, not when your soul still aches just to see a glimpse of her. It was pathetic, you just hope she doesn’t file a petition for a temporary restraining order against you or something harsh like her warning you to back off. You would prefer the restraining order because at least she will not tell you face to face, you weren’t sure you wouldn’t break if she will tell that she wants you to stay away from her to your face.

You sighed, getting pushed to the left when the sea of bodies started mobilizing, as people starts getting out of the gates.

You cursed under your breathe as another push brought you towards the center. You weren’t really planning to be in the middle of nonsense. You went there straight from the airport in the hopes of having a glimpse of her but destiny or whatever the hell it was really loved playing the two of you. You suddenly found yourself face to face with Krystal. Destiny was not over playing the two of you, it seems.

Krystal was blinking at you with wide eyes and you panic so you offered her the blazer in your arms. Thankfully she did not reach for it, she just looked at you before turning to person who was giving her packed lunch. You turned to your left and you were struck by a familiar face.

Kai aged a bit, but he still looks the same. The boyish looks never really gone, he still looks annoying. Krystal smiled to Kai again before politely saying goodbye to both of you. At least she didn’t ignore you, but why was Kai the hotshot trial lawyer giving Krystal food in a damn hot day? You didn’t stay to find out, ready to drink your weight off to make the jet lag and your pathetic heartbreak go away. You didn’t even understand how there’s still a heart left to break anymore.

xxx

You didn’t dare go back to the exam venue again after the encounter with Kai and Krystal. Jessica of all the people was the one keeping you updated on Krystal for whatever reason. Jessica told you the other day that Krystal is already moved on and happy, emphasis on the happy and that Krystal is living her best life now that you are gone so you better keep it that way. At least Jessica didn’t shout creative names at you at the other end of the line anymore.

You’ve told everyone that you’re okay, including Jessica. You even boast that you’re gonna go get married again or something. It’s for the best, but it’s hard to convince yourself that as you pace around your expansive office, refreshing your phone browser the hundredth time for the Bar Exam Results.

You’ve prayed to god you don’t believe in for him to please grant Krystal’s wish for once and you knew the Atty. in front of her name was the least of them but it’s still a big deal for her. You hope that god would listen to you because Krystal deserved it. She of all the people did. Your office phone beeped but you ignored it, staring at the phone in your hand warily.

You got tired pacing so you sat on the floor beside the couch, it hid you away from anyone who would be looking for you. You stretched your legs, disgusted at your pretentious dress pants. You stared at your phone unseeingly, nervous and fidgety.

On third refresh, the links were updated and PDFs were slowly rendering. You heart pounded, and you start sweating profusely despite the cold temperature in the room. The list was so annoying long and you poured through every page impatiently until you reached the letter J. You squealed when you saw her name and your secretary came running through your door calling for you. You covered your mouth to stop yourself from making another sound.

You can hear the sound of footstep as secretary rounded the couch. She probably found you pathetic, sitting on the floor, staring at Krystal’s name, but you couldn’t bring yourself to care. Thankfully your secretary left you alone without another word. You didn’t really move to acknowledge her.

The rest of the world doesn’t really matter, Krystal finally did it and you pressed the speed dial. You never took her contacts off the speed dial. The call was sent directly to the robot lady and it woke you from stupor. Krystal has changed her number or blocked your number lifetimes ago and you hate yourself for it. You hate how you were remembering it just now, and it’s making your heart beat in a painful rhythm.

You looked up to see the supposedly great view of the city skyline, your heart aching, tired and you wanted to apologize to it, but that’s stupid and that would not give you what you wanted at the moment. It won’t bring her there with you, so the two of you could celebrate like you promised many years ago. Sorry was not enough to get you to keep her so you swallowed sorry together with other words you wish you could tell her. You don’t have the right anymore. You would not do that to her anymore. You cried, thanking her god that she's finally reaching one of her dreams even if you’re not there anymore to watch her have it.

xxx

You were seated at the center of the long conference table, doing the dirty job for the managing partner of the firm. You were supposed to conduct the final interview for the new associates. You were busy staring at the skyline, wondering how you should spend your weekend. It was easier these days. You fought yourself from thinking about your ex-wife. You don’t really say her name anymore. It was better that way.

Your secretary called your attention with a tap on your shoulder, she smiled at you warmly gesturing to the door. She told you the first applicant will be going in, in just a few. You give her a nod and a wink because she really dressed for the occasion. The managing partner told you that you will be the one training the new associates that would mean your secretary will be busy fielding advances from newly minted lawyers all day. It would probably make the office life less boring.

You chuckled at the thought unaware that the first applicant was already in the room.

“Good Morning Atty. Liu.” You knew that voice from your nightmares and you turned to where it came from. Krystal, No Atty. Jung looked familiar and heartbreakingly unfamiliar all the same and you didn’t speak for a moment unsure of how you could stop the dead butterflies in your stomach from going out. A few years away from you has been really kind to her it seems.

“It was a pleasure to meet you again Atty.” Krystal said without waiting for any response and you knew you should say something but you were second guessing, overthinking. You opt to keep quiet, reaching for her hand instead. Her touch stayed the same and you fought a relieved sigh, letting go of her hand quickly.

Krystal looked more confident, no longer uncomfortable with her own skin, as she sat on your left, with noticeable distance when you gestured her to be seated. You were thankful that your secretary thoughtfully made a list of questions for you and you mechanically asked them, not really paying attention to the answers Krystal was giving. You were going out of your mind wondering how you could just turn her down and hire the others instead, but the managing partner will probably kick your if he finds out that you turned down a Jung just because she was your ex.

Your skin was tingling and you found yourself mesmerized of the way she was speaking eloquently. She was asserting that she would be handling the new environmental law case when you hired her, was what you understood from what she was saying, you nodded feigning thoughtful interest, but you cannot pay attention to her answers or her for the matter. The ex-wife was here, okay and already gunning for a position in the only place where you can get away from her. You were ed.

“Atty. Liu.” You were startled as soft fingers tapped your right hand. Your gaze zeroed in to the fingers it was de ja vu all over again. Krystal was smiling politely when you look at her face. Of course she would use her charm full force on you, .

“When do I start?” You bit your lip hard to stop yourself from laughing. You didn’t really tell her she passed but there she was asking that. Some things never change. You were supposed to answer her formally or something, you knew but the script that your secretary prepared could not answer for you. Not when Krystal was looking at you with that annoyingly familiar glint in her eyes.

It almost felt like you were being asked something with a shotgun to the head. You looked away from her.

“Diana will call you Atty. Jung, please wait for her call.” You said monotonously not really looking at her. Afraid that she will see you still breaking in the inside. You cannot do that to her anymore.

“Okay, thank you Amber.”

You smiled the first genuine smile you’ve had that day when she said your name, but you hid it from her, opting to keep on staring at the skyline. Opting to pretend that your soul wasn’t singing an off tuned love song you haven’t heard before. You let her walk away like you did that day. You would never hurt her again.

You request for a transfer to the firm’s branch in the other city, away from the ex-wife. You promised, you’re really keeping your promise this time.