PENDELUM

vi. 1. CITY LIGHTS

6 OF 10

Day 536

You were thinking why you even tried when you stood there at the end of the aisle, a little disheveled but unchanged, like how you were many years ago, like how she asked you with that impish smile not to ever change; unlike the lady walking in her exquisite white dress, exquisite still didn't seem to capture her entirety even after all these years. She has her back on you as she follows the entourage of pretty pretentious and prestigious, you wanted to shout at her, scream her name just so she would turn, to have one last look at her before she marries that guy but you didn't.

You were not even supposed to be there. It was a school day and they were probably waiting for you to show up and endure the 3 hour long lecture but it will be the last time you will see Elin so you went on the 2 hour drive to the Cathedral at the outskirts of the city. It was one of those old ones with moss and crumbling stones everywhere. It was ridiculously ancient and breathtaking and it made you feel as inadequate as you did when you first met the guy Elin swore was just her friend. She cheated on you with that guy and she was getting married to him in just a few more steps but all you can think about was you were really inadequate.

At least the pain wasn't there anymore or that dumb heaviness that has always been sitting in your chest ever since the day she told you it was over. Elin is beautiful in her white dress and she was getting blurry but you stood still and watched just behind the last pew in the middle row of the cathedral.

Elin never gave you the closure you thought you deserved but it was there in that cathedral the feeling of inadequacy and feeling of being so small and insignificant made you think that you don't need closure you just need her off of your system because you hate the feeling of knowing you were never enough and that guy is because he was there smiling teary eyed at the girl you promised you will marry someday.

You walked off to the side door after Elin said I do. There was your closure, or wake up call. You needed a drink or to stop from suffocating, shaking perhaps. You drove unstably out of the black concrete gate you wished you never entered. It would have been a long drive back to the city, something which you were sure you cannot do, not with the way you were trembling or the way your eyes are watering. You really thought you’ve done enough crying for Elin.

You stood at the edge of the cliff a few minutes’ drive from the cathedral it was within the city limits and the city lights were beautiful from where you were standing, cursing ancient cathedrals and your stupid heart for still feeling empty when you've known it has been over for a very long time already. You stood there watching the city lights go blurry with each painful heave of your chest promising to yourself that it will be the last time, the universe would revolve around Elin, your beautiful, thoughtful and brave Elin wasn't yours anymore.

Your knees gave in and you thought you would fall if not for the arms around your torso pulling you close to the warmth that you've grown too familiar to. You knew who it was even without looking. It was Chanel 05, it was that tenderness that made you feel not inadequate and empty and safe. It was the firm hold of someone who knew pain and somehow you wonder what kind of pain made her that way.

Krystal was there watching the city lights with you, keeping you whole and you wanted to push her away because she might be another Elin or worse and you don't need anyone to witness how weak, empty and pathetic you were, but she held on to you tight, coaxing you with her warmth, willing away the cold of your inadequacy, giving you the absolution that you owe to yourself because you've promised not to breakdown for Elin anymore.

Her lips were soft in your cheeks, in your temple and in your ears. She was pleading you to face her to step back from the edge a bit more and it was her brittle tone that made you do it. It was the tone she rarely ever uses. You stepped back and she still won't let go so you let her. Indulging in the comfort that was almost dreamlike because you still don't understand why she cares.

Krystal was apologizing for Elin and that guy, she was saying she was sorry for the things she didn't even do but you let her, because you were weak and pathetic and it felt like it was all real and true, that someone really loved you even if you were weak and pathetic and inadequate. You were insignificant but she held you close, too close until your limbs stop trembling. You forced yourself to look at her when your tears felt dry in your cheeks and you almost step back to a free fall where you die because she was crying silently with you and worried and you hate that she was crying and worried with that cute furrow in her brows.

She still has her arms around you so you can feel all of her and you wished things were different and that you were there locked on her embrace not because your ex got married and she was being a great bestfriend.

She claimed that you were her bestfriend.

You hate that word but you let her call you whatever she wants. She's not really supposed to be there because she was supposed to be at the convent anyway. You looked at her until she speaks because you were sure your voice would be as brittle as the stupid cardiac muscle beating feebly in your chest. You were not sure you were ready for any answer but you let your gaze stay on her annoyingly beautiful face. Her familiar eyes were unreadable but there was tenderness there. You think you don’t deserve that.

"Seulgi was worried."

You looked away before you drown in her familiar eyes your hands were awkwardly fidgeting at your sides.

"Even Nana texted me." You turned to her because she was murmuring as if she was shy, Krystal is rarely ever shy with you.

"I remembered it was her wedding day, so I used my phone privilege and voila the GC was going crazy because you didn't attend gramps’ class.” She was blabbering with her hands motioning quickly, the nervous hand gestures were almost too much.

 “I'm sorry Amber." Something in you snapped when she said those two words again. You don’t understand what she was apologizing for anymore but the way she was pleading with those two words made you move away from her. It was suddenly getting too real and too much, you were just mourning for something you knew you’ve lost a long time ago. Her presence was assuring and suffocating all the same. You moved away from Krystal as far as possible in the small space.

You can feel her gaze, fiery hot unsure what to do or say next. At least she knew you enough not to say more because you will probably bolt if she says the right things. She always knows what to say, she was your best friend after all.

The night was clear and beautiful like the city lights. Neither of you spoke again, Krystal’s presence was there but she didn’t try to approach you. The city lights were inviting you to get back. Your best friend should get back to the convent and you needed to sleep.

You motioned her to her car that was haphazardly parked at the side of the narrow road. You didn’t look back to see if she followed, you walked to yours without saying goodbye.