THE GIRL OF MY DREAMS

ii. Kites and monsters

2 of 2

---

I stand at the end of the queue while tapping my right foot on the ground. I've wanted this to happen almost half my life and now that it's finally happening and I didn't have a plan. She finally agrees on my absurd idea of a date and the thoughts that are running through my mind is actually to drink coffee with her until the time is up. (Creepily stare at her face and live in my pretend world that she loves me the same.)I wonder if my imagination is up to that task because even if I've embraced her to sleep almost 4 weeks in a row, I have not got any response that may indicate that she can ever like me romantically.

 

 

It that it's apparent that all I can ever be is her friend who she confides some important things but not all since I am her ex-boyfriend’s bestfriend.

 

 

 

I peek at her to make sure she's not bored or something. Her back is on me and her shoulders are rigid. I wonder what's going on inside her thousand piece of mind. Those long black tresses looks so inviting even from this distance. I look away from her, feeling more pathetic each moment. I've been loving her since high school and now we're a month away from graduating in the university. I never had the guts to tell her I do, up until now.

 

 

It's the circumstances and the realities that surrounds us.  The most compelling among my excuses/reasons is that she is my best friend’s girlfriend, which holds true until yesterday. It doesn't matter anymore though, it's already a dead end. Maybe I'll finally have the guts to tell her today, the day I have the guts to betray the closest thing I've ever had to a brother.

 

 

 

 

I shake my head hard to force away the guilt that is closing in on me. It's staring at the back of my head, like a predator watching its prey. I wonder if my conscience will ever let me sleep at night after this, not that it’s giving me any decent sleep.

 

 

 

With a deep sigh I focus my attention to the other side of the giant glass walls of the coffee shop. The sky is clear and everything looks fair. An irony to the storm in my head. It's always like that, even the weather is mocking me, the pathetic weakling who fell in love with someone she can never have.  I snort bitterly in my head as I thought how this must be very a good day for the school fair's closing ceremony.

 

 

The red flag on top of the carousel inside the school dances like a beacon to the people outside the university. It's an annual treat for kids during the university's foundation week, I think I may be fun, date worthy, but I don't think she would ride that at all. I heave another sigh and watch a bunch of kids pull their parents towards the direction of the field. They're holding kites. Kites. She have always wanted to fly one.

 

 

I hurriedly pull her out of the coffee shop without a word. She protests as expected but she stops struggling when we walk in front of the school's guard. She hates catching anyone’s attention. I can feel her pinching my arms as I continue pulling her towards the fair grounds while holding her wrist.

 

"I didn't agree to this." She says as we walk closely beside each other in the side path of the booths. I searched for the kites stall first before answering her. I can feel her closed fist on the hem of my shirt as we submerge to the sea of people who are enjoying the last day of fair.

 

 

 

"Yes you did, you pinky promised to be my girlfriend till the next," I checked my wrist watch  "52 minutes."

 

 

 

 

"I agreed to sit with you until the hour is over."

 

 

 

I just laugh at her pulling her closer by waist as we get near the booths. There are more people on this part of the fair grounds, mostly kids. She didn't protest since she's already used to my touches given the past month, although I don't think her attention is really on me. Her eyes have the vacant look on them again. I sincerely hate that vacant look on her eyes.

 

 

 

"That's boring Krys, you can’t expect a date with The AMBER LIU to be that way right? Just play along." I whispered playfully. We walk closer towards the direction of the kite stall.

 

 

 

 

"I'm not in the mood for this." She replied softly as she watches the kids around us run around merrily.

 

 

"Yeah yeah, which one do you want?"

 

 

"None."

 

 

 

"This one." I raise one of the kites, while looking at her expectantly. Her expression didn't change, so I raise all the displayed kites on the table until deciding on getting the one with the floral design. I didn't expect her to give me a verbal answer but I can see her eyes get back some of it's brightness when my hand touches this one.

 

 

She didn't speak when I pull her again towards the field. I bet she already knows what's going on and I'm glad she's not protesting anymore. She's on her own world, overthinking about the things she will find out. I hate how I am stuck in this situation, as much as she is, especially because I was her confidant last month. I didn't even know how that happened, but it became a routine after their fights.

 

 

I just can't ask her to go away in the middle of the night can I? I didn't even ask her why she choose me to comfort her, but maybe today's the day she’ll tell her the truth as well.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I stop walking when we reach the long cement bench under the oldest tree in the campus. The kids are not allowed in this area because there's a softball game going on, but I couldn't careless. I'm feeling lucky today. She silently went for the bench while I arrange the kite. I let her hold the yarn.

 

 

 

 

"Do you know how to fly a kite Ddudungie?" I asked with a smile.

 

 

 

She just shakes her head while looking at me. Her eyes lacks all the brightness I grew to love as we grow up. Without warning her I run as far as I can go without catching the attention of the outfielder. We’re still a bit too far from the diamond so really no harm done. It’s probably the home team batting, the pitcher is wearing blue.

 

 

I smile when I feel a tug at the other end of the yarn. She's holding on to it.

 

 

 

 

Time to wait for the wind.

 

 

 

The echo of the softball hit by the aluminum bat comes in synch with the breeze that I'm waiting for. I toss the kite as strong as I could to let it drift with the wind. It howls with the eruption of cheers behind me. A homerun I guess, I didn't  look  back to check what's going on, I sprint back to her.

 

 

 

"Loosen up the yarn Krys!" I yelled laughing at her panicking state. She's looking at the yarn and to me back and forth, the expression on her face almost makes me trip from smiling too much.

 

 

She's adorable like this, I got the surprise her to make her respond idea right. She's standing still looking a little lost while holding on to yarn loop but the side of her lips are not curved downwards anymore. I look up to see the kite is soaring at the blue sky and I feel proud that she figures it out herself.

 

 

She pinches me as soon as I came close to her reach.

 

 

 

"We could've lost it"

 

 

 

 

 

"We didn't, calm down." I chuckled at her crossed eyebrows. "Look, its awesome right?"

 

 

 

She looks up with a small smile that reaches her eyes before it fades completely. Even the kite reminds her of him. It's supposed to make her smile but it reminds her of him. I take the yarn loop from her hands before tugging it hard, fighting the wind that keeps the kite elevated. The yarn snaps. We lost the kite.

 

 

She’s glaring at me.

 

 

 

"What?"

 

 

 

 

She just walks back to the bench without an answer. I watch her sadly as she raises her knees then rest her head on them. She's back to sulking and even though I hate it, there's nothing much I can do anymore. I've been trying to cheer her up since last year, but I don't think I'm making any progress. The sadness in her eyes looks permanent. I don't want it to be that way.

 

 

 

 

"I hate it when my girl is sad."

 

 

 

 

No answer. I lay down on the bench sitting on, looking up to the intricate pattern of branches and leaves.

 

 

"I must be boring you."

 

 

Still no answer.

 

 

"Do you wanna hear the truth now? Forget about the dating thing, it's pretty evident that I at this."

 

 

Again she did not answer but I can feel her move until her head is next to mine. She must've mimicked my position, I can feel her hair and a part of her cheek touching my skin. We're both staring at the interloped branches and leaves but I can see angels and fireworks and all the other beautiful things one can think of dancing, lingering above us. I've always love to have her this close, my stomach doing somersault. Every nerve in my body tingles but it's my heart that got the worst from the chain of reaction. It's doing an overdrive, an almost dizzying one.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Her intoxicating scent, disheveled the train of my thoughts. She remains silent, I did as well. Too afraid to disturb the purity of the moment. I can hear her breathing in synch with my own. The rhythm is like a lullaby, but I need to stay awake for this moment. This will probably be the last.

 

 

The silence remains comfortable but I need to know something. I crane my neck moving my head away from her so that I can see her face. It must be the light that's sipping through the shade above us because she looks more beautiful than how she is when she walks inside the coffee shop. Her parted lips are the first thing that I noticed, it's chapped but nevertheless beguiling. I could've been addicted to staring at her lower lip but I moved my gaze downwards, the hook nose that is definitely one of her best features. Those unbelievably long eyelashes resting on her cheeks. I heave sigh before looking back up.

 

 

She looks peaceful, almost asleep, but I know better than that. Her head is never silent, according to her, it won't let her sleep when she's alone.

 

 

 

"What are you thinking?"

 

 

 

 

"Valentine’s day is over rated."

 

 

 

"Oohh, I sense bitterness there. How can I change your ah-unbiased opinion about valentine’s day."

 

 

"Shut up." I did as she asked, trying to decipher the pattern of the leaves instead. It's a very handy distraction when the urge to kiss her is getting stronger each second. God, I'm too weak for this. Karma must be starting its job early.

 

 

 

"Can I ask you a question?"

 

 

I let go of a resigned sigh before I answer. This is it. I've always known this will be coming. At least I can be this close to her before it's all over.

 

 

 

"Yeah."

 

 

 

"What am I to you?"

 

 

 

"What?!"

 

 

 

"Nevermind. How much longer before the hour is over?"

 

 

"Not long enough."

 

 

 

 

Those words slips from my mouth before I can think of a proper response. She shrugs it off, letting it pass as unimportant. I've been used to being passed as unimportant so I just let it be as well and the question before that. The slightest  tinge of hope has always been the most dangerous.

 

 

 

Silence again. Long. Unending. Too comfortable.

 

 

I want to speak or do something anything that will break it, but it's like shackles and bolts pinning me in place. It's the tranquility and the contentment I can feel settling in my heart somewhere behind the anxiety, fear and resignation to defeat that makes me close my eyes like her. Skin to skin, but the connection is beyond that I can feel it my bones.

 

 

How I wish she feels the same.

 

 

"Say something."

 

 

"Your getting confusing little princess, you told me to shut up then-"

 

 

"Just say something."

 

"I'm speaking."

 

"Good."

 

"What's your ideal date?"

 

"I don't have one."

 

"I knew that was coming. Ideal man?"

 

 

"Stop asking stupid questions."

 

 

"Ohh, I pissed the little princess. Do you wanna hear the truth now? I can see we're both err-comfortable."

 

 

Another silence.

 

I repeat my sentence in my head twice, trying to find a fault in the wording. There is none, so I search desperately for the right ones, words that are better than the ones already spoken. I can't find any either.

 

 

"I'm afraid." She whispered and my head snaps to the side to look at her. She has her eyes open, trained on the intricate patterns above us. I'll ask her to teach me the how the pattern works later.

 

 

"You know you don't have to know the details. You've seen it with your own eyes already Krys."

 

 

"But what did I saw really? Key kissing Kai, for all I know that could've been a dare or something."

 

 

 

She's facing me now, her lips on my direct line of sight. It's thoroughly distracting, and almost anti climatic at this point but I have to focus on the conversation. On the ordeal that is forcing its way through the serene, with my help of course. She's right. I'm really stupid.

 

 

 

"So just think it's a dare, and move on Krystal. Let us go, everything that hurts you, it's better that way."

 

 

"I have to know."

 

 

"You know you don't. You're just hurting yourself."

 

 

"I need to know Amber. It'll hurt either way."

 

 

"It'll hurt less."

 

 

"There's no such thing as that, forget about it. It doesn't matter, because you will tell me. You will tell me at the end of the hour."

 

 

That's the longest sentence she said so far. It's not the number though, it's the bold honesty and truth behind it. It keep  my mouth shut in a thin line. We both know it's true. I take pinky promises way too seriously.

 

 

 

She didn't speak again after that. Maybe satisfied of the silence. A howling wind blows on the field, but neither of us move, we're both locked up in our heads. Thousands of question starts to surge, one after another, demanding answers, 

dying to get out of me. One slips, I wish it didn't.

 

 

"Why are you still talking to me anyway, I'm part of this connivance you know it. I won't know anything if I am not. Why talk to me and not to him or anyone else?"

 

 

 

The sound of my voice is almost demanding and I hate it but not more than the implications of those words. It’s better if I don't know her reasons. Telling the truth will be easier, betraying my bestfriend will be easier, but the damage has been done already, too late to take the words back because she is actually answering with the silent tone the she usually use when we're talking at this distance. It's almost hypnotic. Each syllable flowing flawlessly, it leaves me speechless for a few heartbeats, until the meaning of her words sinks in.

 

 

"You will never do anything to hurt me intentionally."

 

 

"I did, and that applies to Key too. He loves you."

 

 

"He loved me. He broke my heart, you didn't."

 

 

"I broke your heart too. Technically I did, if it’s a crime I'm equally guilty of murder, he wouldn't have managed the kill if I didn't help him."

 

 

"You're not the one who cheated stupid. Stop sharing the blame. It will not make him less guilty of this."

 

I close my eyes, trying to gain control of my thoughts. She's not helping me at all. Her voice is dropping lower each time. It sounds almost silky. I hate thinking that it’s seductive because I know it's not the aim. She just like this when the topic is serious. Too focused on the conversation, on the wordings the hidden meanings. She's doing this unintentionally, I know but I'm losing grip of my control. My words are starting to burst without filters.

 

 

It's dangerous. I trust her, it's me I don't trust. She's just too fragile at the moment. Too broken, to make sense of everything objectively, but I have to keep talking. She might regard my silence in thousands different ways.

 

 

 

"What if He's telling you the truth? What if there's really nothing going on between him and Kai. What if I am the liar douche in this story?"

 

 

"You are not."

 

 

"What if I am Soojung-ah?"

 

 

 

"Amber" She whispered softly, with the same tone. Same regulated voice before she lets it hung in the air, like a warning. 

 

 

She wants me to listen to her, not argue with her. I've known her well enough to know that, it's what she wants, but I don’t know if I should do as she asks at the moment. We're both not in the right state of mind, not when I'm lost in her scent. Not when her sadness is making her implicate stupid things like this. She will never trust me more that her boyfriend. Not in this universe.

 

She made the decision herself.

 

 

"Stop suggesting stupid things."

 

 

I open my eyes as I note the change of her tone. I wish I didn't, I expect to see the patterns, blue and green and brown not my favorite onyx eyes. She looks vulnerable, her eyes looks vulnerable this close, the sadness is almost overflowing over her unyielding stare. She trusts me this much. I want the ground to swallow me whole.

 

 

 

"I'm stating a possibility, it's not stupid. What if I'm doing this to steal you away from him? What if I am taking advantage of the situation?" I recited desperately as I try to look away from her. She's cornering me to have what she wants. Going out of the coffee shop is starting to be a very bad idea. My dream date is already a failure even before it started.

 

 

 

"I've thought about that stupid. I've thought about everything. I just know you wouldn't. Not you, there's just something about you that makes me feel at ease. My gut tells me to trust you and it has never been wrong."

 

 

I just gape at her, thrown off by her answer. I don't know where this conversation is heading anymore. I bet she saw through my desperation. I'm dragging this. I'm cowering from telling her how wrong her "gut" is about me. Add the fact that the position we are in is not normal at all. Not in platonic terms. It's almost unfair how she can always act like this towards me  without feeling awkward since I’ve broken through the wall she have around herself, but this is just too much. Too much for my sanity.

 

 

 

I should think about our date. Not that, I still have a few minutes. I can still make up to my failure. I can still turn this around and change her way of thinking that Valentine’s Day is over rated.

 

 

"He's been cheating on me with him didn't he?"

 

"Krystal."

 

 

"Don't lie to me."

 

 

"The hour is not over yet."

 

 

"Quit it stupid. It's over. This won't work. Not the date. Not this drag. Just spill."

 

 

She's not obstructing the view of the patterns anymore. The brown and black and green is back. With the slight tinge of blue.

 

 

"Please."

 

 

A sincere plead close to my ears. She's not demanding the truth from me. She knows better than that, she wants it whole and raw. She won't get it through demand, but I'm a er for her plead.

 

 

 

"It's supposed to be a friendly flirting thing." I cleared my throat that has gone too dry all of a sudden. She stays silent. The words starts to burst without filters, it's been gnawing me for too long.

 

 

 

"He's always been a diva, I thought it's just normal. I introduced them they hit it off pretty quickly. He'll always hang out with me when I'm with Kai's lot. I didn't suspect anything at first. I could have told you. I should've told 

you what's going on. I covered up for them. Everyone's covering up for this. Even the varsity team. Key loves you Krystal. I swear he does. He's just blinded by the thrill of something new. Something different."

 

 

"That pint of double dutch, it's for Kai?"

 

 

 

"Yes, I'm with Key when he bought that, they had a misunderstanding, he-"

 

"And the toblerone set in my car's dashboard?"

 

 

"It's a weeksary thing according to Kai, I didnt-"

 

 

"The facebook convo, it's about Kai, not me."

 

 

"Which-which one?"

 

 

"November something 2014, you're part of that convo."

 

 

"Uh-"

 

 

 

"They've done it. Damn it. The video is him and Kai. That's why he got so mad."

 

 

I don’t know what to say to that so I keep silent.

 

 

She got almost everything correctly of course. She already knows and it's breaking her. I know she's crying. I can feel that she's crying. I can hear each painful sob that escapes . I can feel the hot tears that are running down her cheeks. I wish I can move or speak. I want to defend myself, make myself less of a bad guy. Maybe there's hope, maybe she'll still like me, but that’s too much of a wishful thinking and this isn’t about me.

 

 

"You could've told me. I slept beside you almost every weekend. I asked you if he's cheating. You lied to me! Why did you lie to me?!"

 

"I- Soojung- please-"

 

"Tell me!"

 

Again I keep quiet.

 

 

"I trusted you. Damn it! How can you do this? How can you still sit this close to me? Pretend to be your girlfriend my . This is a ing game to you. What now? make me fall for you after helping your bestfriend break my  heart?! What monster are you?!"

 

 

We're sitting beside each other, the view of her crying face hauntingly visible, each angle, each tear fall. I can not defend myself. Not when everything she's saying is true. Except for the falling for me part. I never thought of that, that'll never  happen in this universe. Not in this lifetime.

 

 

 

"I really thought you're better than this." she says after a very long painful silence.

 

 

The tranquility and the serene gone. The wind is still howling carrying away dust particles everywhere. The loud cheering in the field is already gone too. The softball game must be over. I pay attention to this details not on her. Not on what I have done. 

 

 

 

She's broken, my weakness broke her. My fear of hurting her. Selfish, I'm really selfish for trying to hide the truth from her. For failing to stop my bestfriend, when I already know what's going on. It's his life. I can't get involve more than 

the reminders, futile tries of making him get back to his senses. Now everything is ed up, and I have to be the one to tell her.

 

 

 

She's right, I've become a monster.

 

 

 

"If we'll meet again, don't even say hello to me." The finality of her voice, echoes inside me like a pronouncement of death sentence. I know I deserve this. I thought I'm prepared for this. I give her the letter with shaking hands.

 

 

 

"What's this? Another lie?"

 

 

I shake my head once, before standing up and walking away.