STAY

I love you. Stay.

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The kaleidoscopes of hues dance in front of your eyes as those cold rough edges of green blades caress your skin. It’s itchy somehow, irritating. It would have been authentically so specially accompanied with the prickle of sweat traversing the side of your face. All of those are of miniscule importance at the moment though.

It’s the sound of her breathing. The tell-tale, soft snores coming from your side that indicates that she is dosing peacefully beside you. It is what matters. Never mind the itch, the striking trick of the light above you, or the fact that you’re sweating like a pig. Those are all irrelevant.

Everything that matters at this juncture of forever is her. Even if forever will end the next hour or minute, maybe after you exhale another deep breath --- it will still hold true. It always will.

Both of you have your eyes closed as the two of you lie down side by side in different lifetimes. She’s asleep in the present dreaming about the future. You are relieving the recent past.

It's a very nice spring day when you first saw her.

Like in most old college flames stories the two of you met through mutual friends. You became good friends immediately or maybe lovers, those lines were always blurry. It's probably as common as it goes. You fall for a straight girl, the straight girl fall in too deep to confuse infatuation with love. That's what it was between you and her, it's that common, but it's more complicated and painfully beautiful than that as well. Maybe because the two of you are both weird in a twisted way.

You can remember clearly how breathtaking she was that spring day. She drew you in without even trying. It was the facial expressions and the aura that always envelops her that made you take those hesitant steps closer until you’re to the vacuum that took very long years to get away from.(You wished you didn’t.)

She’s just too different, a mystery, a wonderful one. She rarely shares anything about herself but when she does you can’t help but fall in love a little bit more each time. Perhaps it’s just how the fates made it to be.

She rarely smiles, kinda aloof at times, but she’s always genuine and no matter how many times she claims otherwise, you know she cares a lot. It was beguiling. She’s the personification of the girl next door in fictions, a cool chic, the ice princess. She’s annoyingly good at hiding her emotions and even though it’s hard to understand some of the choices she has made, she is the only person who makes humanity truly beautiful to you. You knew it was hopeless from the very start. It didn’t really help that she’s so attractive because she’s straight. It’s not fair that apparently she’s straight.

Everything started with awkward conversations that turned into hilarious, then to comfortable. You’re pretty sure she used witchcraft because you’re generally more in control of things. It's like you were stuck in a dream and you can only laugh and nod and smile at her infuriatingly pretty face. You were just in too deep too fast.

It’s not as bad as it sounds really. She just always treats you like a child, and she takes care of you like you’re her older sister. It was bizarre, overwhelming. She enjoyed teasing you and breaking your heart with that same stupid bright unforgettable smile. She loves holding your hand, and telling you that you’re pretty, that you’re stupid, (her stupid) and you would agree that you are. It’s pathetic.

She would even cry on your shoulder at times, or cry herself to sleep in your little bed at the third floor left wing of the university dorms because her boyfriend was stupid. You can’t remember how many of those stupid boyfriends have made her cry but you clearly remember the throbbing in your chest whenever she did. She deserved better, you would always whisper in her ears as you comb her hair to sleep. You would always watch her in her sleep through the moonlight---

“Amber.”

She’s smiling when she calls your attention and you didn’t have to open your eyes to know for sure. You just know. It’s the tone, the slight raise of pitch, the lazy stress in the end. You opened your eyes to see her beautiful again. It stings.

“Yes princess.” you said softly as you gently take her in. Her cold onyx eyes, her illegally long eyelashes, her perfectly placed cupid’s bow, those sinfully plump lips. Your idea of perfection.

A slight ripple in perfection makes you frown.

“HEY, didn’t we talk about that already?” she sounded mellow, it stings harder.

You faked a smile.

“Sorry”

A sad smile.

“Yes soojung-ah?”

Your tongue always loves the taste of her name. It lingers in your throat, as you adore the art in front of you, wondering. She always makes you wonder.

“Remember TASM2?”

“Seriously?!”

The sudden outburst made her signature glare have an appearance, so you bit the inside of your cheeks. It’s the same randomness that you have always been fond of anyway. You tried to remember, even if remembering things hurts most of the time. It hurts a lot.

“The one where spidey defeated electrode but green goblin killed Gwen?”

She nods enthusiastically and it lifts up your spirit. The gloom that has always been there since you left the antiseptic stink subsides, little by little.

“Yes that, gosh Andrew is so hot in that suit. Anyway, do you have a 1080p copy of that?”

“Think so, do you want a copy? I’ll just give it to you tomorrow. Do you want the blu ray or do you want it on your external drive. Your external is still in my room you know.” You were blabbering, out of anxiousness, misery and awe well mixed. She’s lying closer to you now. Her nose is almost touching yours. She’s looking directly at your soul.

“Watch it when I’m gone.”

It felt like the ground you’re lying on turns into liquid all of a sudden. The statement is a cruel order. You are light headed. She’s squeezing your heart out, but you cannot look away. You panicked and sputtered and mumbled.

“I-Krys please. Don’t do this. We are not—“

“Are you saying no to me now?” Her left eyebrow is raised challengingly. She’s teasing you. It’s madness.

“But-Krystal! You’re not ...” Your voice is breaking a little slower than your heart.

“Stupid. . .” It was a warning, a broken one. She’s pleading to you. How could she plead for something like that? She’s relentless. It’s your soul that’s breaking now.

You still give the answer she wants to hear.

“Okay. You win, I won’t say no, when will I ever...”

It trails with the wind.

You forced a chuckle harshly in your dry throat, shaking your head as you answer your question in your mind. Never. You would have cried if there still something left to shed. There’s nothing anymore, so you just look at her. You can only look at her.

She nods at you with her blinding smile thoroughly pleased. Your favorite onyx eyes are forming crescents. It's a genuine smile. Your breathe hitches like all the other times, as the somersaulting of your stomach starts. You swallowed all the vile inside you then with all your teeth barring you dare to move closer.

It’s a nosedive free fall to your death, but it doesn’t scare you. Not as much as being without her.

Your eyes are level with hers. It’s almost crystalline, reflecting your tired smiling face. Krystal’s face is peaceful as she looks back at you with the same unwavering stare. You easily get lost in her.

The entirety of her existence in your life flashes before your eyes as a tear finally escapes after squeezing it all out for almost half a year. She wipes it for you. Gently, the pads of her fingers move delicately as she kept the connection. No words need to be said anymore. Her face says it all.

It makes your lips tremble pathetically, as you sniffed. You bit it like a kid. You’re eyes are surely turning into those big brown doe things she says she hates. You tried to hide it.

“Don’t.”

Her breath is dangerously dancing close to your parted lips. It’s hard to resist her soft whisper. You yielded easily.

Brown meets brown.

You sigh in silence as her lips brushes the side of your mouth probably for the very last time. You wish it could’ve lasted longer.

You are obviously stalling as you walk as slowly as possible but she didn’t care. She’s too comfortable behind you. Her legs were securely locked at the sides of your waist as the two of you starts your journey.

Her right cheek rests on your shoulder as her breathing tickles you. She is silent but you know she’s wide awake. You can feel her stare. It’s still as cold as it has always been but warmer than the rays of the sun on your skin. The horizon is starting to turn orange. It’s time for her to go home.

You hold on to her possessively as you prolong your agony. Each step takes all your strength as you try stop the dam from breaking. Swallowing is hard at this point so you let your throat burn as you moved forward. She wants you to move forward, and you will for her.

Her husband is waiting in the front porch with the compulsory flowers and a megawatt smile when the journey ended. Krystal leaps from the passenger’s seat without saying a word. A vibrant smile is plastered on her face as she meets her husband halfway on their backyard. Her kiss didn’t miss this time.

Not even a goodbye is uttered, because that’s the deal. Two years extension but you will have to let her go.