PENDELUM

iii. Forgiveness

3 of 10

The feel of water traversing through your skin relaxed your tired muscles. The hangover made everything in the morning feel worse but you willed it to go away as you let the warm water trail down your body. The city was barely awake but you need to travel somewhere, so you were up early, the remnants of last night still fresh in your flesh and in your mind, the hangover will probably not leave you alone today.

It was one of those rare days when you were actually travelling out of the place where the guilt, the pain, competition and the stress were constant and oddly you were looking forward to it. The drive would surely be tiring because traffic was always bad nowadays, but tiring was fine, it meant moving, albeit slowly, and it’s still moving so that’s okay. You just have to keep moving.

You finished taking a bath and dried your hair quickly. You’ve been alone for years but the silence still gets to you sometimes. You stood in the middle of your room. You’ve painted it periwinkle the other day just to give yourself something to do. It was probably a very lousy paint job but you were proud that you did it by yourself, you were proud that you did it half drunk and not crying anymore.

Your phone vibrated on the dresser.

It was probably your secretary reminding you of your schedule, or maybe it was Seulgi over doing being worried of you again. Apparently being too busy was as bad as being depressed, you didn’t get it, but that’s okay according to Seulgi, and she also said that you should take it slow, whatever that means.

You chose your clothes like you normally would, picking up the one on top of the pile. Your tie doesn’t match your hair.

You tend to keep your hair blond these days, for a change. You need to get used to the change and you thought that keeping your hair color different from what used to be was a good change, or that’s what you tell yourself. It didn’t really matter because at the end of the day, you would still go back to an empty room regardless of its color, regardless of the color of your hair.

The vibration in your dresser was a haunting sound in the empty room and it distracted you from putting your socks on. You stared at it annoyed, before moving towards your bed, it felt cold. You haven’t used it in a while.

Seulgi was pestering you to just carpool with her and her detective girlfriend. You were honestly a bit scared of her girlfriend because she’s annoyingly tall and finesse and she knows Jujitsu, so you told her no. You wanted to be alone anyway, even if alone felt permanent, and scary and really tiring. You walked slowly out of your room, not looking back to the emptiness, thinking that you would just change the room color on your next free time.

The walk out of your house seemed as long and hollow as usual, the corridors looked poignant even with the rays of the sun sifting through the curtains. It was disconcerting so you took time to move the curtains to the side to make the room brighter, less suffocating.

It didn’t really help but you left it as it is, you don’t want to be late for your appointment.

The traffic wasn’t as bad as expected but the drive was still tedious and harrowing, the memories were crueler than the people in your town. You were just glad you arrived at your destination in one piece and too early for your liking. You sat silently inside your car at the parking space closest to the building where the client and his buyer wanted to meet you.

You were there because the client was referred to you by Seulgi, and you almost didn’t want to accept it because you weren’t really fond of getting out of the city but Seulgi insisted that you take it and that she told you that she would get mad at you if you don’t. It was odd and so unlike her but you accepted it, it gives you something to do that does not involve office politics and closing deals, negotiations and lying through your teeth. It keeps you moving.

You know that Seulgi would not get mad, but there you were sitting in your car in the middle of nowhere wondering why you have done this to yourself. You cannot even call yourself a lawyer at this point. You don’t attend trials in court, you only sign papers, then convince people to make decisions and convince them not to regret it. It was not what you hope you would be when you took the oath, but there you were still, at least you were moving forward.

You looked at your wrist watch, wondering when it would finally stop to let you breathe, the pendulum kept on swinging too fast, relentless. You cannot even grieve your heart properly, or was it your soul. You weren't sure, you just don’t want to cause inconvenience to Krystal more than you already have. You kept on moving so as not to give Krystal a loser ex-wife, so as not to let the guilt and the memories reach you even if the reality felt brutal, bittersweet, and you still lie awake at night most days, thinking why you did what you have done.

Sometimes you wonder why a single mistake cost you your life, but most days you cannot even let yourself wonder like that because most days it feels like you deserved it and you were sure you did.

Your phone vibrated, it was time to keep moving again. You checked your reflection on the side mirror first, grimacing at the darkness under your eyes. You fixed your hair, thanking the gods that at least they made you attractive, even if it feels like they hate you most of the time.

You sighed before opening the car door, the poker face you've perfected the past few years was on.

The meeting was merely for formality, and it felt like deja vu for some reason, although it was a normal business deal. The client just requested that you accompany them in the signing of documents because the project they had in mind must not be delayed. You honestly think it wasn’t necessary but you agreed to their request. The property they were purchasing would be converted to a hospital and it would be nice to be part of something like that.

Your client was waiting for you at the steps of the building. He was smiling politely at you and you bowed down to him when he greeted you. He started a small talk as the two of you moved to where the meeting would be held. The meeting would apparently be at the hotel function hall. You responded to him as enthusiastically as you can, you learned the hard way that it's easier to close deals with positivity and enthusiasm and that faking a smile is a better marketing strategy than getting angry at the world, you were too tired to keep getting angry at the world.

You were almost to the table designated for your group when you see her for the first time in years. Your client walked pass the table where she was sitting alone in front of a steaming mug of dark coffee. You didn't stop to greet her. You couldn’t stop moving forward for the two of you.

Maybe it was your guilt. Maybe it was the fact that she looked like she hasn’t aged in years. Maybe it was the fact that she still looked like the Krystal who told you with tears running through her face that she loves you but she was setting herself free from you. You don’t really know for sure, all you knew was that you should keep moving forward, even if forwards means stepping away from the only dream you badly wish that could remain true for you.

You kept on walking and you almost walk pass your client if not for his hand on your wrist. He asked if you were ok, and you said yes. Forcing the biggest grin you can muster, no one has to know, you don’t want to cause inconvenience to Krystal anymore.

The contract signing went too fast, those blank spaces still unforgiving even after all these years. You kept the fake smile even when your jaw aches and your heart pounded painfully in your chest, too loud, too fast. Your smile didn’t falter. It was all routine and mechanical, but you were determined to protect her this time. You were determined not to cause her more pain.

It was hard to swallow everything that they have served but you chew and swallowed and talked to everyone in front of you, still with the fake smile that seemed too real even when your heart was in your throat and it felt like you were losing all the air in your lungs.

Krystal was really close, and real and she was there but she doesn’t have to know that you were near. You promised to stay away and its promise you were determined to keep. A lone tear fell from your eye so you bowed your head down to wiped it surreptitiously with the back of your hand, blaming the lame joke, forcing a laugh through your heavy heart. You were not sure whether you want it to end or not. You were just glad that you got to breathe the same air as her again.

The group around you suddenly got quiet so you looked up from your plate. Krystal was there, looking straight at you. Her expression unreadable.

You waited for her to say whatever she has in mind, maybe she wasn’t there for you, maybe she was mistaken. You hid your trembling fingers in your lap, a sob threatening to escape but you bit your lower lip hard. You have no right to look at her like you’re dead inside even if you are, but she didn’t seem to care about that.

Krystal said your name softly, almost like a whisper, like she used to. You didn’t respond, what do you say to that anyway? Do you even deserve to hear her say your name like that anyway? You just looked at her, really looked at her and you died a little more.

It has been three years and you were so sure that you set her free, that you did everything and anything she claimed that would make her happy because it was the only way to say sorry sincerely and mean it. You even drafted the Agreement yourself, and you promised to finally stay true to your words and you were, but at the moment it was as if the pendulum broke and the two of you were suspended in the middle of goodbye and I am sorry please be okay because I love you even when I don’t deserve you.

Krystal called for you again, louder this time. Every stranger in the table were looking at the two of you like you two were lab specimens. You could not take the pity in their eyes when they look at Krystal, so you stood up and excused yourself, breaking the promise you tried so hard to keep all this time.

You took a step towards Krystal and she stepped back flinching visibly so you didn’t move closer. You just stood in front her, unmoving and still guilty. There were a lot of things you wish you could do or say, but you didn’t do or say any of them. You kept silent and tried to hide her from the unkind eyes of the onlookers by standing directly in their line of sight. Sometimes you hate the knowing looks as much as you hate yourself.

Krystal didn’t speak. She didn’t move, she just looked at you and it felt like she was dying with you, the longer the two of you stayed unmoving, so you looked away and firmly requested for her to follow you.

It felt like you were repeating the same mistakes you made years ago but you kept on walking away from where she was standing. Each step were heavy with words you would not say out loud.

You kept on walking in the unknown streets and sidewalks, only stopping once in an intersection. There weren’t traffic lights to keep you in place. You weren’t sure if Krystal followed. You don’t know if she would follow you and a part of you wished that she would not.

The guilt was making your skin crawl, it was making you nauseous, even with the wind that felt cold in your skin. The absence of smoke in the air made your chest heave heavily because the foreign seemed familiar. It was probably because the air was less suffocating with Krystal.

You only stopped walking when the guilt won’t let you walk anymore. The crippling fear in your chest was holding on too tightly to your heart. You closed your eyes to try to get a hold of your senses. You will not cry. Not here in the place where neither the two of you had any memory of pain or emptiness.

The wind was whistling in your ears when you felt her stop a few inches away from you. You almost missed the smell of Chanel 05 but it wasn’t the time to miss things that were already forgotten.

You opened your eyes to stare at the rice field. It has been a long time since you’ve seen that color of gold and now they were mostly hazy and unknown to you but not the feeling. You bit your lip to the point of pain as you waited for her to speak. Your guilt won’t allow you speak first, it would not even let you sleep most nights so it wasn’t surprising.

The words “I’m sorry” made your head snap to Krystal’s direction and you really should not have looked at her. She was not even looking at you. She was looking ahead. You wish you could see what she carries in her heart and take it away, if only you could take it all away. She looked just as tired as you.

“Krystal” you whispered her name to the wind, undeserving, she shouldn’t be the one saying sorry. It was all on you.

“I forgive you. I’m sorry I could not forgive you sooner but I forgive you Amber, and I’m sorry I could not forgive her but promise I forgive you” She was speaking gently, her voice breaking and you wish you could stop her but you can’t because she was giving you something that you cannot give yourself and you were selfish.

You can only look at her to remind yourself what you have lost. Even sadness cannot burn her light it, she was still incandescently beautiful, heartbreakingly so and you really don’t deserve her.

“You know, no matter how many times we were reborn I want to meet you here again.” She continued with a small smile in her face, still looking ahead. A silent sobbed escaped from your chest but you didn’t look away.

“I mean, maybe we could skip the part where you slept with Jiwon, but really, I would want us to meet here again in our next lifetime. Maybe by then I could hold on to you tight enough that we will not be separated, and we won’t make the same mistakes we did”.

“I-“ You croaked trying, you really wanted to try but she touched your lips with her index finger effectively silencing you before gently moving it away. The ghost of her touch was still warm and familiar and not yours anymore.

“Just please be happy my love.” Krystal was finally looking at you when she said that. She was crying and the forgiveness felt more like an axe to your heart than a relief from never ending pain. You still know her eyes and they were blurry and tired and you want her not to be tired anymore, so you nodded your head forcefully still too much of a coward to say the things you knew she wanted to hear, too selfish and undeserving.