COFFEE FOR TWO

v. Black, grey and blue hues

5 of 7

The drive to the trial court has rewarded you with a pounding headache somewhere along the middle of the supposedly freeway. Some idiot has decided to start a flash mob in the middle of the busy intersections nearest to the great mall according to twitter. You were impatiently waiting in your car, cursing whoever it was who decided that proposing on a Friday afternoon is a great idea.

John, your secretary, has been bombarding you with calls and texts regarding the trial you were supposed to attend which you will obviously miss considering the streets were currently swarming with people. Some of them were dancing to a beat you knew but you can’t name. Another text added to your agitation. Your client has just told you that your witness was currently missing from her house.

You cussed out loud, getting out of the two door car you just bought to make yourself feel better about the choices you made in life. It obviously was not able to, and you kicked its right front wheel feeling terribly annoyed at the whole universe like you usually do these days.

Somehow, you ended up walking closer to the show off. You sprang from one hood after another, causing some people to honk their horns at you but you ignored them. Before you could get out of the jam, you flipped your middle finger to the last one who actually stepped on his accelerator and almost caused you to lose your balance. , you mumbled as you slowly try to move pass everyone else to actually see what was going on.

You remembered the lyrics as you got closer. The song was a remixed version so you didn’t realize it at first, but you knew the song for sure --- Angels by Robbie Williams. You’ve known that song all too well. It was one of Krystal’s favorite song.

Krystal.

You have refrained from even thinking her name or saying it out loud for years because it only caused you pain but you welcomed it almost gratefully at the moment. Today you miss her and you don’t know what to do about it, so it’s fine remembering her favorite song, or remembering her name regardless of whatever comes with it.

They said time heals the wounds and all that bull, but you didn’t believe that because it never did. You just get used to it but it’s still there. Most days it still feels like tons of bricks were stack piling in your chest, trying to crush your lungs, or your soul. You don’t really wanna know. It’ll just add up to the laundry list of reasons that’ll prove just how much you ed up.

You really did up, and you were reminded just how much you did every day, especially on the bad days. There were really bad days when it feels like every nerve in your body aches with longing because it’s been so long without her and not even sleeping with someone else could make it feel better. You almost crawl back to her, beg her to take you back because freedom , and nothing makes it feel okay at all but she wasn’t there anymore. Not even her shadow will grace your presence anymore.

Your self-pity/loathing session halted immediately when you reached the front plank of the huge flash mob. There were strangers everywhere. Some of them were eyeing you curiously. The attention made you scowl, swallowing the realities down your throat, you put the practiced indifferent masked on. Some of the people observing were really shedding tears for someone who’s supposedly proposing to his girlfriend. You can’t help but roll your eyes at them.

Seriously? You huffed under your breath as you climb the partition meant to separate the service road from the main highway.

There were a lot of things going around the entirety of the vast space. The dance was upbeat but it made you snort loudly at some of the choreography because it just doesn’t fit, but it did work. You were actually begrudgingly enjoying watching the stupid show off until your eyes caught the carriage going through the middle of the whole carnage. A white horse was pulling it.

You gawked at the horse and the carriage with furrowed eyebrows. It was just too out of place in the middle of sky scrapers and led billboards. It made you feel more and more certain that the one who orchestrated the flash mob was definitely crazy or a fool in love. Ah, at least you weren’t that anymore. You had been done being that for a while.

A closer look at the carriage made you realize that watching the show off is stupid and that you should get out of there so you did. You jumped off of the partition mindlessly. Thankfully, you landed on your feet. Your neck tie got a little lopsided. You didn’t bother fixing it as you grumpily walk out of the scene.

The feedback of the microphone getting plugged in to a speaker made you duck covering your ears angrily as you try to find a shortcut to your car. All you knew was that everything will be over soon and that you could finally get to the court to file a reschedule. Walking briskly, you fished for your phone to check for new messages.

There were four messages, seven missed calls and few other notifications. You slide your thumb through the screen and went straight to your inbox but you never get to read the texts because you dropped your phone as her name echoed loudly followed by the words will you marry me.

Your phone screen probably shattered when it landed hard on the asphalt but you ignored it. You ignored everything even the traffic that was starting to mobilize around you. You just run as fast as you could. Moving as quickly as possible, you willed your limbs to move even though your traitor legs were taking you to a different direction.

You were back in the partition adjacent to the service road in an instant. Sweat trickled down the sides of your face as you pant heavily. It felt like you were suffocating so you madly took off the tie around your neck. The urge to jump at the other side of the partition made your senses feel like they were wired to a live electric socket. Adrenaline pumped through your nerves as your eyes roamed the crowd for the face you would recognize anywhere.

It was exciting, terrifying, maddening. You will see her again, despite the circumstances you will and your heart jumps up to your throat, stuttering. The ping pong match was back in almost an angry pace and it didn’t stop even after you confirm who the unlucky lady was. It wasn’t her.

The feeling of relief and disappointment painfully took all the air out your lungs as you exhaled. Your knees gave out and you fall down on your with a series of cuss words. It felt like passing the bar again and knowing your best friend wasn’t as lucky as you. You were laughing pathetically at yourself as you felt the first set of tears make your expensive cuffs wet.

***

You never made it to the court.

The stupid car broke down in the middle of the highway and you left it there like the junk that it was. Apparently even luxury cars cannot unbreak someone’s heart, especially since she broke it herself. You were lost at the whole living your life routine with a broken phone and a junk of a car. It wasn’t helping that your mind was going on an overdrive because of the memories that suddenly came rushing in with the thought of her marrying someone else. Anyone else not you.

You don’t really know what to do with yourself anymore.

You sat in the curb glaring at the car in the middle of the highway. A payphone would’ve helped, asking someone to fetch you probably would but that wouldn’t really make things get better, so you keep on sitting there, coaxing the damn voices in your head to just leave you alone.

You decided to walk the long stretch of concrete after a while, not really paying heed to the sea of people moving back and forth around you. The tide has carried you far from your car. At least the irritation and frustration has died down considerably so you keep on walking mindlessly, ignoring the feel of burning in your legs and the aching of your soles.

Your feet carried you to the edge of the business district of the city. You haven’t been there since after law school and it brought back some ugly memories but you kept on walking mindlessly until something familiar caught your attention. That old coffee shop still exists. You used to visit it almost every day when you were still studying (after the break up). The old building hasn’t changed much. They didn’t repaint the graffitied walls even after all this time. It made you smile a little. You decided to go in.

The welcoming sound of the bell on top of the door eased some of the strain on your shoulders as you made a beeline for the oak counter. There was a lone barista who was wiping sugar crumbs when you approached. The smell of coffee greeted you before she did and your senses hummed pleasantly.

Sulli, according to her nameplate, tried to engage you into a conversation but you didn’t respond verbally. You merely smiled politely at her, never really in the mood for small talks, bad days or otherwise. Unfazed by your unresponsiveness Sulli asked for your order still with that bubbly smile and you can’t help but smile back more genuinely before looking up at the menu board, still undecided.

It annoyed you that you can not choose, you don’t really want to drink coffee or tea anyway. You just don’t have anything better to do and you really have nowhere to go. Your eyes went over the menu, not really paying attention just going through the motions. A minute pass or maybe two, you don’t know, you just really hate making other people wait.

You looked back at Sulli still unsure. She was waiting patiently. Maybe you should ask her, maybe she will- Sulli leaned closer looking at you expectantly so you stopped thinking. You just recited whatever it was at the tip of your tongue.

2 shots, a pinch of cinnamon, no cream, no sugar,

An uncomfortable but familiar feeling swarmed your gut when you finished the order. That’s exactly how Krystal wanted her coffee. That’s how Krystal took her coffee the last time.

Sulli was transfixed for a short moment. She eyed you curiously before asking for your name. The odd didn’t really register because you croaked Krystal’s name without missing a beat. It’s okay, you assured yourself. It’s okay to miss her today. You were a mess and nothing is turning out okay anymore so missing her is fine. Even saying her name is fine. Your knuckles turned white as you held on to the edges of the counter but neither of you nor Sulli paid attention to that.

Sulli’s eyes seemed to brighten for a second but you cannot tell for sure. She gestured for you to wait still with that smile. You opt to just stay in front of the counter, waiting, observing the coffee shop quietly. It hasn’t changed much. Not even the menu board did, probably just their featured tea of the day, and Sulli.

It would have been odd, but you’re too out of it to notice.

You didn’t have to wait long because Sulli was ready with your coffee in what felt like minutes too short. You were still unnerved by saying Krystal’s name out loud. Ordering her coffee was one thing, but the cup you were holding has Her name and it felt like you were doing something wrong, disrespectful of her memories, of yourself. You were done doing this. You were done hoping for impossible things. You were done beating yourself for the decisions you’ve made.

It has done you good. You are a lawyer, a successful one. You are happy. It was hard convince yourself that you are, but you’ve mastered this game and you will win it.

Steeling yourself, you mumbled soft thanks before walking out of the coffee shop. You didn’t leave immediately. You looked back and watched from the door as Sulli taps excitedly on her phone for a few more heartbeats. Then you resume your walk to nowhere.

You weren’t in a hurry. You walked leisurely and sipped the coffee in your hand every now and then. It tasted different. Definitely more bitter than your usual cup. It reminded you of a lot of things. It reminded you of rainy Sunday mornings. It reminded you of the taste of Krystal’s lips. It reminded you of those things you thought you’ve forgotten because you buried them with the hope of seeing her again. Jessica wouldn’t tell you, Victoria didn’t know and you were alone and so, so lost so it’s okay to remember.

So you walked, and you remember Krystal.

Her face, the arch of her eyebrows, the shape of her eyes, and the slight crook of her nose. Her well-defined lips, the perfectness of her jaw and the inviting looks of her cheeks. The feel of her skin. The softest of her touch. The gentleness of her soul. Every blurry memory left of you, and you were drowning but you were no longer suffocating.

Another sip and you walked. You kept on walking and drowning.

You were almost out of the city when a flyer caught your attention. It was bright yellow and a little washout. Apparently there was an open viewing for an art gallery a few blocks away from where it was haphazardly stapled. You took the flyer even though weren’t fond of art shows. Those were her thing, but today you missed her and today it seems like everything was about her thing --- about her.

You didn’t even break a sweat before you reached the unassuming building. It is bright, that was your first thought. The reception area was clearly visible from the other side of the giant glass walls. Stealing another glance at the crumpled flyer, you noticed the fine print at the bottom of paper. It said that the open viewing will last for two weeks starting from the 18th of July. You squinted at the flyer, trying to count the days in your head. It’s already August 02, you were a day late.

You almost walked away but the receptionist approached you. She probably saw you standing at the threshold of the building, and you scratched your eyebrow in embarrassment. To your surprise she greeted you politely and ushered you to the hallway on the right side of a staircase.

“Here to check for your purchases before it is shipped?”

You nodded once, still unable to believe that you can actually still see the exhibit. The receptionist led you to a great hall, full of framed colors and shapes of different sizes. There was melancholy on the color mixes. It was odd that you felt that just by looking, again that was Krystal’s thing. You sipped the coffee to give you time when the receptionist asked which one is it.

Different colors and sizes of melancholy, “The biggest one.” you replied solemnly, crossing your fingers that it was at the end of the hall because staring at the art was calming, like walking, or succeeding on convincing yourself that it is okay to drown in those blurry memories of her.

The largest one wasn’t at the end of the gallery.

It was in the middle of the lonely. Your face paled in recognition. You almost crushed the cup you were holding. It was you, in black, grey and blue hues. Your face was silhouetted, but of course you recognized it. You probably could recognize it more than the one staring back at you
when you look in the mirror these days.

“You were lucky Ma’am. This piece has been part of her showcase for years. It's a wonder Ms. Jung would sell it.”