COFFEE FOR TWO

vi. Solace

6 of 7

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Krystal has always loved Amber. She has loved her since they were little, not always that same painful love, but she really did. Krystal even loved Amber before she knew what love meant.

 

 

Krystal grew up in a world where Amber was constant, and that probably was the reason for the always. Amber was her first friend that isn't Jessica after all.

 

 

They met in such an absurd way that made Krystal wonder most of the time. Perhaps it was a cosmic joke or an elaborate prank because they were just so different, too different. Even the reasons why they became friends were unconventional, so Krystal believed that really it was the universe wanting to make fun of her. It really did because everyone knows that Amber only went near her because she wanted to be part of Jessica's circle. It was borderline hilarious years ago but the joke’s lost on Krystal now --- especially since it was proven that Amber and her together or just collectively was a disaster even from the very start.

 

 

***

 

Krystal sworn off the click that Amber desperately wanted to be a part of many years ago. The younger girl thinks that always wearing all black was ridiculous and drinking magical intoxicating concoction from a tumbler was too much for being teenagers. It just wasn't her thing, although Krystal never really minded spending her days with the 'cool kids'.

 

 

Near them anyway, she prefers drawing, and observing things that happen around her. Watching the fluidity of motions, and the shifts of the colors, imagining the cores of structures casting shadows over her. There were just lots of things to see and Krystal wanted to see them all. Curiosity, an eye for shapes and edges and an imagination that gets away from her faster than she would have wanted set the young Krystal apart from most of the kids her age.

 

 

Even Jessica tried to understand her of course, she really did, but soon enough she gave up, although she stayed by Krystal's side. That was more than enough for the younger girl. Krystal's curiosity made her an outsider to most of the groups that plague the middle school. Everybody has their own set of friends, and some kids made it their personal crusade to let her know that she was the wrong kind of different, that Krystal didn't belong anywhere regardless of her constant companions.

 

 

It was plain terrible for the Krystal, but she don't want to give them the satisfaction of knowing that they were affecting her so she just kept observing, imagining and drawing things, keeping her ideas to herself. Her life went on fine just like that.

 

 

Then there was Amber, very bubbly, with her shaggy short hair and missing front teeth. Amber was almost Krystal level of different in a sense, but she was good with making friends, and talking her way out of things. Amber would have belonged to the cool group by default if she didn't try too hard, but she always did try too hard.

 

 

Amber didn't become part of Jessica's crowd easily. She always lurked with them, exchanging high fives here and there. A bit of small talk sometimes, but that was the closest she has ever been to be with them until her initiation day came.

 

 

Amber was to man the fort. She has to look after eleven year old Krystal while Jessica and the rest restock the booze supply. It was a humid late summer, and that day was one of the terrible ones. The kids were meaner seeing that Jessica wasn't around to bully anyone who would look at Krystal for a second too long, and the only shadow left lingering on Krystal's periphery was the short kid with two missing front teeth.

 

 

 

Amber was so scrawny, but the fire in her eyes compensates for the skinny form and the almost toothless smile. Amber didn't talk unkindly even to the bullies circling over the two of them. She was all smiles instead, too polite that it seemed to irk the meanies more each second that passed. It would have been hilarious to an observer but Krystal somehow secretly wished that Amber would shut up before they become two swaying punching bags.

 

 

Amber just kept on blabbering and smiling but nothing happened. The bullies talked back of course, they talked senseless, they’re words like whiplash but they only hovered. Not close enough to touch but close enough to be heard, until they got bored or whatever it was that made them go away.

 

 

 

When they were gone, Amber didn't say anything about Krystal's trembling fingers, or the tears silently welling in her eyes. Amber just slumped beside her looking at the drawings instead of the younger girl’s trembling limbs. Neither of them speaks for a long while, they just sat beside one another in an oddly comforting silence until Jessica came back with her friends.

 

 

 

The loud chatter of school got back with them and it was as if nothing happened, but Krystal can still feel the annoying feeling of helplessness ebbing away from her senses. Some words were still echoing around the recesses of her mind. She tried to shake them away but it was almost impossible so Krystal opted to stay slumped on the ground, even when she could already feel Amber move slowly to get up.

 

A soft pat on her head made Krystal look up from the unfinished weird shapes of her notebook.

 

 

Amber has her back turned already but Krystal wasn’t able stop herself from smiling. The warmth of Amber’s gesture lingered even if it was almost as if Krystal imagined it because the shaggy haired girl was already back to being annoying with the rest of the group circling around them. Any other day that gesture would have made Krystal uncomfortable even mad, but Amber was actually nice and she didn't ask stupid questions even if she looked like she wanted to so Krystal let it pass. She just stood up to gather her things instead.

 

 

On their typically quiet ride, Jessica stared at the road with furrowed brows until they reached home. Krystal seemed happy and Jessica knew not to ask.

 

 

***

 

The first impression that Amber has left with Krystal lingered even after they started talking to each other. Often times, Amber would sit close during lunch breaks or on the loading bay where Krystal would wait for Jessica's class to finish so she could go home. They didn't really talk about anything serious or personal, not even the favorite color question sifted through their conversations.

 

 

They would just talk about nonsense. They would talk about how to properly eat a ddeukbokki or how it would have been more fun if the classes were held during the evenings so star gazing would become part of the lessons. It was easy talking to Amber, even if apparently Amber was as different as Krystal was because Amber likes, likes girls.

 

Amber has even nonchalantly told Krystal that one of her classmate was really cute while they eat ice cream as they hid under the unmanned school guard’s desk. Krystal didn't really find it weird that Amber liked Seulgi. Yes, the standard examples on her classes were always boys and girls, but none of her teachers said that it was always exclusively like that. Besides it didn't make Amber any less unpredictable, and it definitely did not make her bad different to Krystal so it didn't matter.

 

 

It was probably inevitable. Amber's constant blabbering and ridiculous notion of things almost match the things Krystal imagined but would never tell. They were perhaps the weirdest pair in school, but Amber stayed, like Jessica did, and Krystal was really thankful for them. Before the summer ends, Amber and Krystal were almost inseparable and Krystal really loved Amber as her only friend.

 

 

***

High school passed by like strong breeze for Krystal, she did gain some friends, but no one came as close as Amber did. Amber was Krystal’s comfort zone after all. Krystal even tried relationships that fell apart even before it started because they always wanted more, and Krystal didn't seem to like that idea at all.

 

 

The word 'I' in the phrase I love you has haunted Krystal for days on her junior year because 'I' meant giving away a part of herself and somehow she can't just do that, regardless of whatever attraction she felt for the boy or the girl.

 

 

It just felt raw in a sense, too raw, for her to just skinny dip and put the 'I' out there without second guessing what happens after, but then again, there was Amber who was graduating the next day.

 

 

 

The older girl has shown up in front of Krystal's bedroom door with that same cheeky smile she used with the bullies years before. It irritated Krystal to no end even after they reached the last hill of the park. It was because of the annoying swooping up and down of her stomach and the accelerating heart beat that won't leave Krystal alone. It was because Krystal was breathless even if the hike was short.

 

 

It was because the "I" didn't really weigh as much as it was supposed to with Amber, even if Amber made fun of her red cheeks and furrowed brows. Even if Amber was cradling Seulgi's gift, a Polaroid camera, like it was Seulgi's heart.

 

 

Amber was Seulgi's that year, and Krystal was no one else's although maybe if the weight of the "I" was an indication, Krystal knew who she belonged to. Krystal knew why it felt like her chest was expanding with the brightness of Amber's smile, and her soul was joining it to the point of almost breaking.

 

 

It was beyond Krystal but it was the answer to her questions, the reason for that irritating feeling of something missing. It just made sense even though Amber was beyond her as well.

 

 

Krystal loved Amber in a sense that the 'I' was weightless and forever didn't scare her as much.

 

 

***

 

Realities of life caught on with Krystal when she started living in the university. People grow up, or were forced to. There were no right or wrong ways on being an adult except perhaps if you’re mindfully self-destructing but that was also part of it all. There was always the underlying ‘mind your own business’ rule on everything and that phrase has another deeper meaning at least.

 

 

Krystal lived in the dorms at first. Enjoying and struggling with the freedom given to her by age. It was quite liberating and Krystal was getting a hang of living outside the orbit of her sister and beyond the lines of her comfort zone, but fates were es as Amber would have put it, and Amber was there yet again.

 

 

The freedom and realities of choices and chances and fates has almost drowned Amber. Amber sister died on a car accident and Seulgi was in love with someone else.

 

 

Tattoos weren't disturbing, they are art forms, Krystal loved them. It was a great way to vent out the grief, frustration and the helplessness consuming Amber but not the cigarettes, not the alcohol and certainly not the hard drugs that Amber seemed to have stashed all over the apartment she shared with a boy named Henry.

 

 

Amber was an out of control disaster and Krystal cannot just mind her own business.

 

It was a rainy night when Krystal first held Amber to sleep, a very swift change on their dynamics as friends regardless of how close they've been for years. Tears were soaking Krystal's sweatshirt and the older girl who kept her whole was trembling with the effort of keeping her sobs as silent as sobs of a broken person could be.

 

 

The guttural breath that managed to escape Amber's lungs, didn't match the pit patter of the rain hitting the glass window on the foot of Krystal's bed, but it washed away the foreboding feelings on Krystal’s stomach. It washed away the years’ worth of worry that was making Krystal’s bones ache and chest sting so often it almost seemed permanent. Amber hasn't drowned yet.

 

 

 

To Krystal, Amber was constant. Amber has always done the fixing. At that moment it was Krystal's turn, and Krystal loved Amber more than she did years before that. It was already part of every version of reality that Krystal has accepted. She loved Amber not just merely in the romanticized sense of the word and its timelessness, but in a sense that was rooted on the desire of keeping both their souls whole even if it will leave her's misshaped and scarred.

 

 

***

 

Amber only loved Krystal once.

 

 

 

Amber loved Krystal fiercely, with gentle stares and warm hugs, always understanding without judgment or the need for words. To Amber, Krystal was the Princess, the Best Friend, the Little Sister, her Audrey Hepburn in the world full of beautiful Jane Doe(s). Krystal is the girl of her dreams, Amber would always say.

 

 

 

Amber loved Krystal like a warm coffee on a cold winter day, comforting, always comforting and familiar. Amber would be there, always, even when days were really bad, and college seemed like it was centuries compressed into years. Amber would smile and promise it’ll be fine, that she will fix it, offering help, offering herself as a human jacket or anything silly just to get Krystal to smile.

 

 

 

Amber would be there to rearrange Krystal’s glasses on her nose, or to untangle her hair. Amber would be there to make Krystal believe that infinity is real for a day, and that Krystal will always, always be worth it because Amber only loved Krystal once. Amber only loved Krystal always.

 

 

 

***

 

The years that Krystal and Amber dated too were short and sweet. It was the destiny teasing Krystal and she was a fool to believe that because Amber was constant, they will be constant too.

 

 

That was not the case though, the changes were gradual, but it was there. It was always there, it became the constant until in cracked the thin ice where Krystal chose to live with Amber years before their end.

 

 

 

 

Krystal loved Amber in the sincerest way she could/would ever love someone else, but loving Amber has worn her down worse than the way time has worn out their small town's park. Like all other things connected to Amber, it felt inevitable and Krystal welcomed it with open arms.

 

 

There were nights when she wished she didn't. There were nights when Krystal would cry on Amber’s arms wishing Amber wasn't there, because Amber's constant presence felt too good. It hurts her bones, and frayed her nerves. It felt like it was consuming her, making her lose the 'I' altogether, and that was scary and painful and Krystal was desperate for it not to happen but she wanted Amber, always.

 

 

 

Then there were those nights she would wish Amber was there to keep it hurting because she needed Amber's constant. It was too hard to breathe and Amber took away the oxygen with her, but Amber won't be there since Krystal asked her not to. There was a door and a vacuum that separate their souls because Krystal was afraid of letting Amber consumer her whole and Amber loved her so Amber gave her the space that she desperately wanted.

 

 

 

Those nights when they were on entirely different universe from each other were the ones that killed Krystal. The nights when Amber will look at her with vacant stare because Krystal lost the older girl somewhere in between excited gushes of corporate gossips. The cold ones when she cannot even look at Amber's worn out face when Amber would lie and say she was fine. They were fine.

 

 

 

Lies, lies lies.

 

 

 

They were all lies, but other lies didn’t hurt as much as whenever Amber lied with an ‘I love you’ with that blank look on her eyes. Krystal always responded with a sincere kiss to say that she believed Amber. Krystal wanted to believe Amber because Amber was her always and Amber’s embrace remained tender like the fingers wiping out her tears.

 

 

 

Krystal loved the cold of the winter, Amber despised it but Amber stayed with Krystal even when the coldest winters come. Amber loved summer, Krystal was annoyed of the heat prickling her skin and the all too bright skies that came with it, but Krystal lived spending all summers with Amber smiling.

 

 

It was their dynamic it was how fates molded them, they could stay together, they have stayed together until they were both wounded too thin, both doubling over in pain. Perhaps they just weren't compatible, or perhaps someone loved the other more, or somehow one of them loved the other differently. Maybe the both of them were just tired.

 

 

 

It was probably the universe pulling up the biggest crack on them, interweaving their souls too tight, even if Amber was fire and Krystal was ice.

 

 

Krystal has long ago given up trying to know which was which. It was unwise to linger on that because she will never seem to get it right and Amber was inevitable as she was constant in Krystal's life anyway. Amber probably always will be, and Krystal was just tiring herself out, wondering, going on the interminable circles, trying to figure out if the note was written by Amber because at the end of the day it’s not supposed to be Amber anymore. Amber lied, Amber left her.

 

 

Jongin didn’t. Even though Jongin doesn’t make Krystal's stomach swoop up and down with the racing heartbeat and the overwhelming expanding in her chest, Jongin was ice too. Jongin was winter, Jongin was there with Krystal, not trying to take the 'I' but helping her keep it where it was locked out on Amber's palm and Krystal can live with that.

 

Do you still make coffee for two? Amber has written.

 

 

Yes, burned with the remaining mementos of constant and inevitable that thrived even after the forceful separations of their souls.

 

 

***

 

 

The gallery was dark at night. Krystal designed it that way. Dim lights surrounded the space as the vastness of the place muffle the loud and the bright outside. It fitted the theme of the showcase, Solace. The pieces around Krystal were her comfort and serene, and she needed to let them go, especially the one she has been staring at since she stepped in.

 

 

It’s easy to burn answers and choose, but it will never be easy to let go.

 

 

The why was easy. It was over. It was logical. It was for her own good, but how was difficult. The how was haunting. Krystal knew the answers but she was still lost. How can she learn to let Amber go?

 

 

Elvis’ voice softly seeps through her senses, breaking her trance. The blurry portrait slowly came back clearly on her line of sight as the first notes of that song echo quietly on the corridor.

 

 

The record was Jongin’s choice. He loves listening to music while staring at Krystal’s art or so he said. It was his way of not letting Krystal drown in the comfort of solace. ‘Because I love you, and I want Elvis to tell you that’, Jongin told Krystal when she looked at him with raised eyebrows earlier.

 

 

Krystal wanted to protest but Jongin was smiling and Krystal likes it when he smiles so she didn’t. Her silent acquiesce pleased him. It showed on his face, and his eyes. There were days when…

 

 

Krystal was able to stop herself just in time to realize that Jongin was slowly letting go of her hand. She just observed his actions, disgruntled and somewhat annoyed of the song playing around them. Jongin pretended not to notice her slight disinterest, and opted to kiss the crown of her head
before leaving her to do what needs to be done.

 

 

 

‘Do you still make coffee for two’

 

 

The question reverberates louder than Elvis’ rhymes of wisemen and love and the how. Krystal knew it shouldn’t be that way, but still. Reasons and logic were screaming loudly at Krystal, forcing her to look straight up ahead, not there, not on Amber’s always, because wise men were right on one thing.

 

 

“I miss her.”

 

 

That voice never changed, the same timbre, the same carelessly formed syllables that seemed as melodic as Presly himself. Krystal’s chest heaved hard, and her heart stuttered, dizzying, forcefully deflating air off her lungs. Everything seemed to slowly cling unto her chest. The aches on her bones were back. Her own body won’t even listen to her.

 

 

 

Krystal knew she should look away, but she can’t.

 

 

 

 

Amber looked the same. A ghost from her memories, with a haunted look on her brown eyes. It was as if she has dwell on the how like Krystal did. It was as if a part of her soul was torn apart too when she chose to let go. It was as if, she died like Krystal did, and Krystal wanted to badly to believe otherwise but Amber’s eyes could never lie.

 

 

 

It was cruel because Krystal was fixated, staring intently at the ghost, she just couldn’t bury.

 

 

Amber was not even looking at Krystal anymore. Amber eyes were trained on the gargantuan replica of her face, with the shadows hiding secret resentments and broken promises. The grey hues, accentuating the lies and ache, as the blue hide everything with the gentle charm that has always been Amber’s.

 

 

 

It was very different from the Amber Krystal was seeing. Amber looked broken, more lost than Krystal and for a second, Krystal has forgotten the ache on her bones, and the painful heave of her lungs. She wanted to wrap herself around Amber to make the cracks go away. For a second, Krystal was willing to give up infinities to make Amber whole again like she did that rainy night, but years have passed, their chances have passed.

 

 

 

Krystal forced herself to look away because was clogging slowly with years’ worth of unshed tears and it felt like the tissues on her chest were brittle glass shattering each second she looks at Amber. She focused at the golden frame of the portrait in front of them.

 

 

 

Amber’s silence wasn’t helping. It was making it hurt more. Krystal wanted to say something, anything that would hurt Amber just as much as her stuttering heart was hurting at the moment. I missed you.

 

 

 

“Soojung...” Amber paused to turn to Krystal. They were sitting on a foamed bench, but Krystal felt like she was drowning. Stop, Krystal wanted to say, Krystal wanted so badly for Amber to disappear because Krystal was done doing this to herself. I missed you so much.

 

 

“How are you?”

 

“Do you still make impressive buildings?”

 

“Are you happy?”

 

Each question was said like a prayer, like how Krystal taught Amber to lifetimes ago, when Amber loved Krystal once. Amber only loved Krystal once. Always is a broken promise.

 

 

“I still –“ Amber’s voice was as brittle as the muscles on Krystal’s chest, and she just couldn't hear it anymore.

 

 

“Kai.”

 

It was weaker than Krystal intended to, but he heard, and he was there in an instant ignoring the stranger sitting beside Krystal. He was hovering over her, covering Krystal’s view of Amber. A part of Krystal wanted him to move because it has been so long. Amber was there, and she was real and she was about to make another promise she cannot keep.

 

 

“Are you okay? I’m sorry I let her in, she wanted to talk to the artist.”

 

“I’m sorry.” It was the choking voice of the drowning Amber many lifetimes ago.

 

 

Don’t. Please don’t.

 

 

Jongin was pulling Krystal to stand up. He was pulling her away from Amber and it agitates Krystal’s senses. Her fight and flight response seemed broken. Her fingers wanted to reach out to her solace.

 

“Krystal.” Jongin’s fingers wrapped around hers, and the cold shoots through her nerves, slowly.

 

 

Amber was moving away, staggering out of the dimly lighted space. The clogging on Krystal’s throat broke free, as she watched, anchored in the cold.

 

Don’t go, not again, Please. Not yet.

 

 

~I can’t help falling in love with you~