COFFEE FOR TWO

vii. Home

 7 of 7

"You know for the longest time I feel so dumb,"

You almost slipped on the sidewalk as you turned hurriedly to your side. Krystal was there, looking ahead. She looked like she has been crying but the street lights still made her look ethereal on her paint splattered jeans and black tank top. It made you choke back a sob as you opened your mouth to say something, anything but nothing came out. The suffocating air around the gallery has followed you out, and tons of bricks were still pressing on your insides. Everything was still stinging everywhere. You could only look at Krystal.

"You go wherever you were going. I'll go wherever you were going."

"Krystal?"

"Being dumb is not adorable at the moment Stupid, just keep walking."

You failed to stop the sob that escaped your dry throat when she called you stupid but you were afraid that your dream would be over if you didn't listen to her so you walked. It was a dream. Why else would Krystal be with you if it is real?

You kept on treading the now familiar pavements with your jelly knees.

Krystal stayed close. She didn't disappear when you blinked away the tears blurring your line of sight. You just kept on looking at her while walking. You can’t look away even if you want to. It was night time anyway, and it was your dream, no one will run you over in your dream.

"For the longest time, I feel so dumb for not being able to look at those fruit loops without bawling my eyes out."

"I-"

"No, Amber, you just listen"

"But Krys-"

"Stupid please let me talk first, then you can go have your say, because this is me putting myself at risk here, not you or anybody else. Me."

"uh-"
 

You didn't know what to say to that. You could only stare at her and wonder what was she thinking at the moment. Why was your dream Krystal starting a conversation you haven't made up yet on your daydreams?

The two of you walked pass the pin board where you found a flyer of her exhibit. The pace was slow but every step was draining the heavy feeling that was left on your limbs and in your bones. It was not suffocating anymore.

Krystal was silent. Her brows were furrowed, and your fingers itched to straighten the slight ripple on her beautiful face. It was as if the two of you didn’t just come from a gallery where her ‘boyfriend’ was probably still waiting. It was as if, time and space unfurled to a different universe where neither of you hurt each other so much that you have to turn your back on her, or so you thought.

"Stupid, do you know what's the worst mistake I've ever done in my life?"

Krystal finally broke the eerie comfortable air engulfing your dream. Her voice broke at the end of her question. The pain was back pulsating at the tips of your ears. It made you stop walking.

You wanted to ask her to stop it if it was hurting her. You wanted to reach out, and make it stop hurting for her. You wanted to fix it, like when you were kids, but the dream Krystal won't have any of that. She glared at you until you continue the path.

There was tension this time. Words were trying to get out of your chest, hurriedly tripping over your tongue but none of them made it out. You were afraid to lose her with the wrong words. You were so afraid that one wrong syllable will make the dream dissolve back to the reality you were currently walking away from.

Living the moment was the best you can do and you did. For the longest time you have beaten yourself up because the last time you have walked side by side with her the two of you were fighting. Cold tall walls barricade your selves but Krystal still orbited close. She never really understood the concept of personal space even when everything was not okay. No touches, but her warm coldness stayed close.

It never changed even in your dream. She was close, almost leaning on you as you watch her carefully, intently. The pavements were starting to be slippery but you didn’t pay attention to that. Actually living this one was more important.

Watching the soft lights of the signage worship her face, staring in awe as the headlights pin the edges with clarity to make her more surreal just a second after –-- watching a real life princess. You don’t feel angry at the universe anymore watching Krystal beside you.

It was hard to tell whether or not she was aware of your blatant staring, although, if she was she didn’t seem to mind. She just matched your pace or you did. Both of you have already reached the pedestrian crossing when Krystal speaks again.

"I didn't chase after you. I had my chance twice but I didn't and I feel so so so stupid for that. Maybe it could've ended differently for us if only I have chased you but I didn't obviously."

The wistfulness on her voice, reminded you of when she was fifteen, and she told you she would be an artist, that she would change the world. She has changed your world. You haven’t even told her that among other things. You almost forgot what the two of you were talking about, the pause was too long. You were too lost in her.

Neither of you seemed to be in a hurry so you mulled it over. Should you admit fault too? Should you just agree even if you think that the things she was saying were all ridiculous, just because that’s so not Krystal. ‘but that’s not you’. You wanted to say, but the lady beside you was talking wistfully again, she wasn’t even waiting for your answer.

"I waited for you. I waited for you to come back. I was sure you would come back home to me."

Each word petrified you in place. A cold feeling washed over you as the dream Krystal laid it all out in the open. You wanted to protest that you went back but she wasn't there, but she pressed on. Her monologue uninterrupted by your stillness. She kept on walking slowly. The night was silent and you could still hear her despite the gaining distance.

"Do you know what's the worst part of that? I mean well you never came back."

Krystal turned, her centuries old eyes searching for something on your face, in your soul.

"I'm here now. I'm here." You whispered to the wind, convincing her, convincing yourself. The longing was drowning the all-consuming ache in your system.

"No you aren't, you're walking away again and I'm chasing after you because I'm done waiting. Waiting especially because I was so sure that you'll get back to me even when you didn’t after the hundredth time I opened the door."

Every word she uttered breaks your heart, and you can only look at her because you secretly wished they weren’t true. That you didn’t hurt her that way. You hated the distance but you cannot move. You wanted to move before the dream ends. Before she leaves, but her eyes kept you in place. You were an arm’s length away from her. The two of you were standing in the middle of the street. That Coffee shop’s LED lights bathe you with iridescence.

Krystal won't let go of your eyes.

You let the vacuum swallow you willingly. The scars and the bruises that were still healing. All the tender pieces of Krystal laid out before you. The sharp intake of breath coming from you contrasts with her calm ones. She almost sounded resigned when she speaks again.

“I waited for you everyday Amber, for 6 years I opened the front door thinking it was you, even when I moved out of our place. It was stupid. I was stupid.” She concluded, and you didn’t miss how she balled her fist. You didn’t miss the sudden determination a lit on her eyes. Krystal was standing bravely in front of you, her welling eyes, her fisted hands, the almost defiant stance. It was as if she was challenging you to say that she was wrong but you were the one who was wrong, you have been so wrong.

"I'm sorry." You managed to say softly, as gently as you could possibly say those two words that probably won’t make difference anymore. She paused, still looking at you, still searching, still hurting.

The limp hands on your sides reach out for her almost too hurriedly. Her cheeks were cold, softer than you could remember. Electric bolts shot from the surfaces were Krystal’s skin touched yours. The sudden ping pong in your chest made you dizzy but you didn’t let go.

Krystal allowed you to touch her. She didn't come close but she did. It was more than enough. I missed you.

"Me too." You almost didn’t hear, but you feel it on your skin, the sincerity reflecting in her eyes. Krystal was leaning on your palm.

It felt so real and your stuttering heart aches as your lungs expand fully without the cemented heaviness in your chest. The feeling was overwhelming all the dread and exhaustion of the night. You cried, letting go of the bitterness in your throat as she watched you, unmoving, leaning on your warmth. I missed you so much.

Again, Krystal didn’t fade even after you blink away the tears.

"You're real." You croaked dumbly after a while, which resulted to her patented eye roll.

"Dumb don't suit you anymore Atty. Liu."

"You must've hate me. But that tall guy, he’s your, but your.. I,” --- “Why Krystal?"

"Why not? You are my best friend, before anything else." She said nonchalantly, her eyes were bright. It was distracting.

You have almost forgotten how beautiful her eyes were. Your favorite onyx eyes were always way too honest. Krystal was staring at you like you still have the secrets of the universe in your eyes.

"But I messed up."

"We both did."

“No, I messed up more. I left you, I messed up.”

Krystal pressed her palms on your cheeks to stop you from having a brain seizure. You can feel yourself hyperventilating.

“We weren’t competing stupid.” she said with a laugh, her eyes brighter. Then she pulled you closer. Her arms were circling around your neck like how she has done it a thousand times before. Your senses were lighting up like Christmas lights. You even had a 30 second delay before reciprocating her embrace. You were afraid that your legs will give way.

"Soojung."

Your cheeks were pressed onto hers as you called for her name. Saying her name still feels like saying I love you. You pulled her closer. The steady rise and fall of her chest was in sync with yours. It was still dreamlike. You were swimming on an unfamiliar scent of strawberries but you buried your nose deeper onto her hair as you waited for her response.

"Yes?"

"I still –“ “Why still me?”

“I was cruel”

“I was unworthy.”

“I left you."

You sounded panicky even to your own ears but she didn’t let go when you tried to pull away. Krystal just tugged you closer, sighing contentedly when you stopped squirming.

“Where else is home Amber?