PENDELUM

iv. FRIENDS

4 OF 10

Day 294

 

 

You don’t know when it all started. You don’t really notice things these days, too pre-occupied, catching up with the backlog works at the law office. It was starting to get annoying and frustrating at the same time but you secretly enjoy every second of it. It’s the thrill of doing something they think you can’t do. It’s the smile on their faces when you help them. The elderly, the tired mothers, the frustrated husbands, the little kids with their overworked mothers, the old lady who sells sweets in the office, the proud smirk of your boss. It made everything worth it. There was Krystal too.

 

 

 

You’ve became close(r?) to Krystal for some odd reasons since that night of the class party. It was actually interesting, and both Jiwon and Seulgi agreed without any witty quip or jibe. It was a very weird change in your life and sometimes you wonder, but most of the time you don’t have the time to even wander.

 

 

 

 

Krystal, you realized, tend be quiet around other people but she can be quite talkative whenever she’s with you. It’s endearing how she seems to act finesse around people, too cool for your liking sometimes, but with you, she talks too much, even childishly at times. It was bad for your health but you like it, you secretly really really like it so you just go with the flow. Krystal is inevitable and you’ve accepted that, determined to keep her as your friend and nothing else. She’s destined to be your friend, you finally decided or so you tell yourself.

 

 

 

 

 

At the moment, she was really making it hard for you.

 

 

 

 

Krystal was currently lounging on your couch, reading the case assignments for the next semester while resting her feet on your lap. She has been in your apartment since 7 in the morning, she woke you up to make you cook breakfast for her because apparently she likes your burnt toast, bacon and broken sunny side ups. You don’t really believe her but you let her in. She can be quite persuasive when she wants to. She was always quite persuasive when it was just the two of you.

 

 

 

 

You were just watching her pointedly, wondering what was going on in her mind. She told you the other day that she hates you for going with Jiwon that night of the class party, among other things, but there she was spending way too much time with someone she apparently hates. She even told you the other day that she would introduce you to her boyfriend before the school starts and you were not really looking forward to meeting boy wonder.

 

 

 

 

 

You honestly didn’t get her. You didn’t understand what’s happening between the two of you, or if there’s even between the two of you at all. Sure the two of you were probably good friends now, and the stupid moment at the corner store was already a distant memory, there were far more important things anyway.

 

 

 

 

You’re struggling to remember the night of the class party but you remembered waking up beside Krystal very clearly. She didn’t even greet you good morning that day, she just watch you pace around the room then dragged you out to the bar to eat breakfast. After that she made you drive her home with a killer hangover, . Jiwon won’t tell you what happened. Seulgi will just shake her head at you whenever you ask, giggling stupidly about some joke you were not on.

 

 

 

 

You tried asking Krystal about it numerous times, but she won’t tell. Something probably really happened, she won’t leave you alone since then. It was exasperating to be the only one not on in whatever sick joke they were on and you would whine at them about it but they would ignore you, sometimes Krystal would even whine back at you, and you will give her whatever she wants. You really were hopeless.

 

 

 

 

Not that you really hate having Krystal with you. She’s mostly studying or pissing you off or ordering you around, or telling you about very random stuffs but you like her company. She’s strange, endearingly so, but she don’t really force you to talk about yourself, and you like her (a lot) for that. There were weekends when you’re just too tired and the two of you will just spend the day not talking, just mindlessly watching every first episode in Netflix suggestions or playing in your phones. Sometimes you think that she just go to your apartment to use your Wi-Fi and for free food. At least she would give you her case digests before she makes you drive her home.

 

 

 

 

A painful pinch in your arm made you glare at Krystal.

 

 

 

 

“Quit it, I can’t concentrate.”

 

 

 

 

“What are you talking about you whiny kid?”

 

 

 

“You’ve been staring at me for too long. Am I that pretty?”

 

 

 

 

“Not pretty ‘beautiful’, and not really I just remembered that we need to file annual tax compliance and .”

 

 

 

 

“Boring, stop with the adult talk, it’s killing my reading mood.”

 

 

 

“Why are you even here anyway?”

 

 

 

 

Krystal put her feet down from your lap to the floor and just looked at you like you said something offensive.

 

 

 

“You have great wifi, low ping high download and upload rate, and your cooking is sometimes good.”

 

 

 

 

“Whatever, so Destiny 2, g?”

 

 

 

 

“I’m reading.”

 

 

“Please, you already read half of the case assignments for the next sem, just let’s play please.”

 

 

 

“Fine, but if I beat you the delivery coming in 30 minutes, pay for it.”

 

 

 

 

“Like I won’t be the one paying for it anyway” you muttered under your breath, lazily pulling your laptop from under the couch.

 

 

 

 

“Why exactly is that under the sofa?”

 

 

 

“I was finishing monthly report last night, I think I put it there before sleeping.”

 

 

 

“You’re weird.”

 

 

 

“Says someone who likes ketchup on her tuna”

 

 

 

“You’re the weird one for not liking tuna with ketchup”

 

 

 

“Yeah yeah, steam is really annoying how many times must it update?”

 

 

“Oh you’re just afraid I’ll beat you.”

 

 

“Krystal you at pfs games”

 

 

“Did I stutter?”

 

 

“Nevermind, let’s just binge 2nd episodes.”

 

 

“Lame, but scoot over let’s use your ancient tv.”

 

 

 

 

 

You may have been really lame because you let her kick you off the couch so she could recline there lazily while you sit on the cold tiles, enjoying the mindless patterns of her fingers in your scalp, while listening to her running commentary about how stupid the characters were in the screen.

 

 

 

You were sleepy and contented, and yes very lame.

 

 

 

Day 313

 

 

 

You were sitting stiffly in front of an annoying old man doing your best not to look bored or annoyed or both. Apparently the old man was a business tycoon and he has chosen to give your ‘little’ law office the honor to handle his real estate transaction with some of the residents of the town just outside the city. It involves approximately 400,000 hectares of land and he was really smug about it. You were just dreading the paper work. You were not even a lawyer.

 

 

 

 

The meeting has been dragging on unnecessarily way pass your lunch break and you really just want the old man to shut up and let you estimate peacefully how much time will be needed for the drafting of all the contracts and other necessary paper works because apparently some of the registered owners of the land he was trying to acquire were dead. You wish you were dead too at the moment.

 

 

 

 

You can feel your pocket vibrating again and again making things more irritating every second that pass but you still sat stiffly and begrudgingly polite in front of the adults in the table. You were technically not supposed to even be part of the meeting and you have plans for lunch but there it was quickly wasting away together with your patience. When would this man stop talking?

 

 

 

 

You silently eyed the folders that the old man’s assistant was stacking on top of the table as they start finally saying the pleasantries that means lunch. You smiled politely when they turned to you, humoring the old man with small talk and joining your boss in the marketing talk in between. It was not that bad of a conversation compared to when they were drawling on and on about properties and stocks and expansion plans.

 

 

 

 

They slowly moved out of the room with the pleasantries done. Seemingly intent on making less small talk as they trod out of the room. You sighed when the conference room was finally empty. The folders stack left probably as tall as your frustrations. It was tempting to mess with the stack but you fought the urge.

 

 

 

 

You left the folder stack in the table for later and fished your phone from your pocket. Krystal was sending you too many imessages. You were supposed to eat lunch with her and Jessica, for a reason you cannot remember anymore. You didn’t even really promise her that you would, but her messages went from threatening to pissed off to sad and you hate sad so you sighed one last time before you went to the farthest door from the conference room.

 

 

 

 

Your boss was talking to someone on the phone so you just gestured that you would go, and he nodded at you actually smiling which was a good thing because you will probably (most definitely) not gonna be back until the next day. You waved goodbye before brisk walking to get your things, not bothering to answer the ringing office phone. Krystal is going to kill you.

 

 

 

***

 

 

The Jungs you realized were very much misunderstood. The address that Krystal gave you was a bit too far from the pretentious hotels and fine dine ins at the heart of the city and it was odd because you didn’t think they even knew that neighborhood but apparently they did. You almost got side swept by a livestock truck on your way to where Krystal was probably gonna murder you but you didn’t mind it that much. You were tired and hungry and Krystal was sad. Those were all bad for you.

 

 

 

It was a bee farm at the south of the city.

 

 

The place looked deserted and you almost turned back to where you come from but the robot lady said that you were at your destination, so you looked around warily. You parked your car in the gravel path which has a parking sign that looked suspiciously modern. You pressed your window down, looking around for an errant nail or something. The last thing you need in the farthest place in the city you’ve ever been in was a flat tire. When you were sure that you won’t be walking back to school, you tried to call Krystal again. Her phone kept on ringing but no answer. At least she not yet dropping your calls, or blocking you.

 

 

 

You were probably lost but you went out of the car to check your surroundings, there were what you assume to be bee hives in all directions and the nearest building was an old bungalow. You walk slowly towards its steps, the mango tree in front of the house looked old and borderline creepy but the place actually look well kept. The place still looked deserted so you tried calling Krystal again but still no luck on that.

 

 

 

A few more steps and you were at a wide porch, the wooden swing looked comfty with colorful assortment of pillows. It doesn’t really look like it belonged there, you shook your head, moving forward. The bungalow’s front door was open so you walk cautiously inside and you smiled gratefully when you finally found a living soul in front of what was probably a counter or a bar. There was a jar of sweets wrapped in transparent neon wrappers on top of the counter with bee figurines and a wooden nameplate that says honey bee farm.

 

Very ingenious. You thought sarcastically as you approached the skinny man wiping a tall glass. He was wearing a bright pink shirt with a bee logo. It looked weird on him, but you didn’t say that out loud.

 

 

'Hi, can I-!' was all you can manage before you felt that annoying prickly feeling that someone was staring at you. You looked up.

 

 

Krystal was glaring at you from the 2nd floor of the old creepy house. You grimaced at her before turning back to the man in the counter. He was observing you without a word. You told him you will go up to join your friends, smiling politely when he just tipped his head to the direction of the stairs at the far left of a well-polished hall. The skinny man didn’t really seem into small talk so you hurried away from him after mumbling a soft thanks.

 

 

You walked briskly to the sturdy stairs that was a bit steep, wary of slipping and falling, breaking your back. You swallowed nervously as you reached the second floor landing. It was surprisingly spacious, with a few of small rectangular wooden tables and chairs around and some bean bags. You think you even saw a la-z boy in the corner.

 

 

Jessica to your horror was on the couch which was near an open gargantuan window. You gulped as you walk pass her, she was busy tapping on her macbook keyboard. Thankfully, she didn’t even look up from her laptop when you walked pass by. The longest table in the area which is at the other side of the room looked full of foods, untouched foods. You sighed looking around the space for the other Jung.

 

 

There was an archway towards a terrace just beside the long table and you tiptoed towards that, hoping to finally find Krystal and get it over with. You don't know whether that's a bad idea or not, but at least Jessica was still ignoring you, you don’t want to find out what happens when she stops ignoring you.

 

 

The terrace was too white and green, it has a lot of white orchids, and a lone water fountain that looked eerie in the middle of all the white and green ensemble, it looked fascinating. Krystal was at the corner standing near some empty white painted pots. She was staring intently outside, standing regally as always.

 

 

 

 

You followed her line sight and you can't really see anything out of the ordinary. There were more bee hives and more trees. It looked peaceful, and green and old (creepy). You walked purposefully closer to her, your excuse already at ready in your tongue.

 

 

 

 

“I got held in the office, new client, boring stuff.' You said almost robotically even before you reached Krystal's side. She didn’t even turn to you. Great still mad.

 

 

 

'Come on let’s eat lunch Krys.' You added lightly, opting not to apologize.

 

 

 

 

'They allowed me to join the convent' Of all the things that she has said to you that one tops the what the list.

 

 

 

 

'Join? Like volunteer? or what does that even mean?’ You exclaimed, confused.

 

 

 

'I want to be a nun Amber' You blinked twice. Thrice. Your brows furrowed.

 

 

'Didn't you have a boyfriend'

 

 

'He's okay and I care about him but I think our time has passed, besides he's part of the air force, He'll fly to the countryside next week. I'm-"

 

 

 

'Oh-kay' You said a bit too high pitch for your liking. You don’t really know what to say but you don’t really want to hear about boy wonder. You looked ahead and stared at the bee hives and wrinkled trees. A soft breeze made the leaves sway, it’s relaxing. You focused on that, afraid to ask aloud questions even you don’t understand.

 

 

 

'Do you think I would be a good nun?' Krystal started again when you didn’t say anything in a while, you were intent of feigning interest on the creepy and relaxing.

 

 

 

 

You can feel her staring at you, so you tried to say anything, any response would probably be okay so you tried. 'I think-'

 

 

 

 

You made the mistake of turning to face her. Somehow you wish you didn't. Her familiar eyes were looking at you curiously, unwavering. You wish she would stop looking at you like that.

 

 

 

"You think." she prompted, speaking softly like a gentle breeze and you hate how it makes your stupid heart stutter in your stupid chest that was feeling heavy all of a sudden.

 

 

 

"I think-“ you tried again, purposefully looking away from her because it was getting hard to breathe with her unwavering stare and those damn brown familiar eyes.

 

 

 

‘I think you will be good at whatever you choose to do. If you really want what you choose to do." That’s not a lie, you were sure of it. The emphasis you made in the second sentence didn't get lost on the two of you but neither of you spoke again after that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Everything was off and awkward, like someone propelled the two of you back at the interview waiting room, conversations stilled. The silence felt like it was crawling on your skin and you suddenly don’t feel too good anymore. You don't even feel hungry, or even creep out. You just feel lost suddenly, so Krystal is not just straight. She also wants to be a nun, so… what?

 

 

 

 

 

You can actually imagine her as a nun. A damn beautiful one, probably a bit mischievous but still a great nun and it makes you sick in the stomach, so you moved away from her to try to clear your head, she’s not really paying attention to you, still intent at staring at nothing, probably overthinking or whatever it was that she was doing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

You found yourself walking closer to the fountain near the orchids, you dipped your fingers to the water, it was cold and distracting, but you didn’t drive to the end of the city to play with water like a moron. You were there for Krystal, as her FRIEND. Krystal trusted you enough to tell you that she wants to be a nun. You swallowed the bitterness in your throat that should not be there in the first place.

 

 

 

 

Krystal was walking towards you when you looked back at her.

 

 

 

 

“I’m sorry, I just, I’m really looking forward to surviving the law school hell with you.” You started when she didn’t say a word, she was watching your fingers dance on the surface of the water.

 

 

 

Krystal was biting her lip with an unreadable expression. She was standing too close to you for your sanity but you didn’t move away from her. Not fighting the lure of the now familiar scent of Chanel 05. She was as stunning as always that close. God really has his favorites, if he exists.

 

 

 

 

“I want this, I’ve thought about it since I get here from LA, the convent was near my grandfather’s home, I’ve spent some time there, I-“

 

 

 

 

You smiled at her, even if she’s not looking at you. The certainty on her tone and the hint of and happiness, acceptance, all that and more. It doesn’t matter that you were not a fan of the idea, just because she wants it then you want it for her too.

 

 

 

 

“I think it’s for me.” She finished unable to say more. You kept on smiling even as you replied.

 

 

 

 

“Then it is, or I hope it is, I mean, don’t get me wrong I seriously want us to pass the bar exams together then watch you be a badass prosecutor, even a judge someday, but yes, Nun is cool too, and kick . I’m sorry I don’t know how to react.”

 

 

 

 

 

“It’s okay stupid, besides I still hate you for making me wait, we agreed at 11 am.”

 

 

 

 

“Hey, told you got held up, adulting stuff. Where are we anyway?”

 

 

 

 

“. . .”

 

 

 

 

“I know honey bee farm” You snickered before she can answer. “Do they even serve food” You added hurriedly, without thinking.

 

 

 

 

 

Krystal tipped her head to the left, her hair gracefully falling from her shoulders, she looked breathtaking and ready to call you stupid again, for your dumb questions, but in your defense, she’s so beautiful it’s making you feel dumb, and your dumb heart won’t calm down. Great you’re crushing on a nun-to-be, .

 

 

 

“Do you really want me to answer that stupid?”

 

 

 

 

You sighed, taking a few steps back carefully so you won’t slip and fell over the fountain, that’ll be top tier dumb.

 

 

 

“Nevermind, Let’s eat? or are you mad so you eat I watch?” You were so glad that your voice sounds normal, upbeat even.

 

 

 

“Go on call Jiwon invite her and the others, then bring the food here.” She was gesturing to a round table that you just notice was at the other side of the fountain. You were not sure if you want to eat on that.

 

 

 

 

“You’re not mad anymore?”

 

 

 

“Pay for lunch then I’ll decide if I’m still mad, at risk of being repetitive we agreed at 11am.”

 

 

 

“I told you something came up in the office.”

 

 

 

“Yeah yeah whatever, I still think your boss is not paying you enough.”

 

 

 

“And I still disagree, can I really call them? I think Jiwon’s near.”

 

 

 

 

“Do whatever you want, just hurry up I’m hungry”

 

 

 

“Really? So can I call Key too? Can I invite him? and Chanyeol? Jenny? Byul? Seulgi’s busy so.”

 

 

 

“Yes, anyone and Amber.” She said it in her normal bored tone.

 

 

 

“What?” You replied not looking up from your phone screen, dialing a number you’ve memorized unknowingly.

 

 

 

“Thank you.”

 

 

You looked back up at her wondering. Krystal was looking at you with a small smile in her face. There’s a glint in her eyes that you don’t understand and you have never seen before. You liked that look on her but you were only able to smile back before Jiwon starts gushing about something without even saying hello.

 

 

Day 341

 

 

 

 

You didn’t really talk to Krystal again after that day at the bee farm and she didn't really try to talk to you either so that's probably a good thing. Krystal suddenly stopped her morning visits. A part of you misses her, and you hated that part of you. The first semester of your second year in law school has just got started and you were waiting for Seulgi at the library. Jiwon was already sitting beside you, acting too odd for your liking.

 

 

 

 

You were drafting contracts instead of reading your case assignments because the annoying old man was demanding that the signing be on the weekend. It's not that you're actually doing anything harder than copy pasting and editing but still.

 

 

 

 

Jiwon has been oddly silent beside you for more than a few minutes. She was content at looking at her Ipad unseeingly and it's getting unnerving so you closed your laptop lid, to actually look at her.

 

 

 

Jiwon looked like she aged from the last time you saw her which was just a few days ago. She looked pale and a bit thin. She won't even look at you. You snapped your fingers in front of her face.

 

 

 

 

'Hey, why do you look so...' You waved your hand in front of her face.

 

 

 

 

 

She finally looked up and her eyes were bloodshot, her frown a contrast to how she usually was around you. You just stared at her and waited patiently for her to say anything but she didn’t. She shook her head and looked away. She then stared with furrowed brows towards the entrance of the Philosophy section where the two of you were encamped. It’s the least visited corner of the library.

 

 

 

 

Krystal was at the aisle directly across the Philo section. She was having a hushed conversation with Kai, one of your classmates. They looked cozy. You looked away, focusing on Jiwon again. Why isn’t she at the convent or something? The urge to call Krystal was nauseating but you ignored it.

 

 

 

 

Jiwon looked like she has a problem. Your friend’s problem is your problem, so Jiwon is more important than someone who’s probably gonna leave you to serve god. You really were a moron for that thought and you hate your life at the moment.

 

 

 

 

 

You fully turned your body to Jiwon, and stared at her until she stops being not Jiwon or for an explanation at least. A few more heartbeats and she finally faced you again. You wiggled your eyebrows at her, silently urging her to start talking. She kept on frowning some more, before showing to you a ring with a huge diamond on top. You were surprise it didn’t topple over.

 

 

 

You looked at it with furrowed brows before looking at Jiwon. She was eyeing it disgusted. You didn’t really want to be nosy but you hate assuming stupid things so you looked at her again, eyebrows raised this time.

 

 

 

“Spill”

 

 

 

“Seojoon proposed”

 

 

 

“Oh-Congratulations then.”

 

 

 

“Amber” Jiwon was whining like Krystal. You tipped your head to the side, bewildered.

 

 

 

“Why?”

 

 

 

“Amber, I’m 22, I don’t want to get married, and be someone’s trophy wife.”

 

 

 

“Then don’t, engagement is a thing you know, get engaged ‘till your thirty or something.”

 

 

 

“I already said no”

 

 

 

“Yeah, there’s that too, so why do you still have that, and SJ understood right? He’s one of the nicer guys you dated. I mean-”

 

 

 

 

“He broke up with me.” You glared at the bookshelf when you heard that, counting 10 in your head because the words racing out of your mouth were not nice.

 

 

 

“He said that we’re not in the same page anymore. Though I probably think that he just wants me to be his baby momma or something”

 

 

 

 

“That’s ridiculous Wonnie.” You muttered under your breath before looking at Jiwon again. She loves SJ. You face palmed exasperated before offering your hand for her to hold or something. You hate holding hands but she probably needs it, because you really don’t like hugs, she can hold your hand if she wants to.

 

 

 

 

“It’s his loss you know, besides you’re too much of a brat to be someone’s baby momma you’re smart and not bad to look at, well driven and your scarily good at PUBG so really not fit for the job and all.”

 

 

 

 

“Ber” Oh no she’s gonna cry.

 

 

 

 

“Hey, hey come on up, let’s go play dishonored.”

 

 

 

 

“berber, he really” You stopped mid motion, looking at her with a soft expression.

 

 

 

“He really left me.” Jiwon was really crying and you glared at the ring laying haphazardly on top of the table. You sat down beside her and wiped her tears with your thumb. The waterworks always makes you uncomfortable, but not more than the sad Jiwon does.

 

 

 

 

Your fingers were not really helping so you used your sleeve cuffs, at least those uncomfortable things were being usefully finally.

 

 

 

 

“Jiwonnie, boys are dumb remember”

 

 

 

 

“Not Seojoon, he’s just, maybe it’s my fault.”

 

 

 

 

The conversation was going out of your control and you want to get out of there and leave her alone, but that’s not what a nice friend would. Why is Seulgi taking so long?

 

 

 

It was tempting to call her, but it’s not as if Seulgi will always be there to save you from this kind of conversations. Jiwon just kept on her pity party, it’s getting unnerving, and so unlike her.

 

 

 

 

“It’s really my fault right, I mean, maybe I’ve been ing too much. Maybe I should have accepted his proposal. It probably won’t be that bad, dad likes him.”

 

 

 

 

 

You just looked at her, trying hard to keep the disgust and/or annoyance from your face. She still looked attractive even when sad, boys are really dumb.

 

 

 

 

“Maybe I should call him and apologize. Maybe, it’s me, something’s wrong with me.” Jesus Christ.

 

 

 

 

 

“Hey look, you’re awesome and you kickass and if he can’t wait then it’s his loss. Give me that.” You gently pried Jiwon' phone from her fingers, she just watched still with the morose expression. You continued talking because she looked like she wants to fight you for her phone. “Forget it, he’s out of your life, he’s the one who left, so he should be the one crawling back if he wants to be back.”

 

 

 

“What if he doesn’t”

 

 

 

“Then he doesn’t”

 

 

 

“I want him back though, I think-“

 

 

 

 

 

“Jiwon stop, just calm down okay. Let it fester till you get sick and tired of it, then you move on everybody happy.” Great she’s crying again. You moved seat a few inches closer to take her hands of her face. You’re getting more and more annoyed each second, but you shove the feeling, hid it at the back of your head. Friends do this all the time, even if it . She really was crying again.

 

 

 

 

“Wonnie, I take that back. I’m sorry but you can’t force this things you know. Maybe he needs time. Rejection , just, it’s not your fault and nothing’s wrong with you okay?”

 

 

 

 

Still crying.

 

 

 

“I’d date you if you weren’t straight honestly because you’re an 11,” you added without thinking and regret it. At least she stopped crying.

 

 

 

“You’ll be 11 with no teeth if you don’t stop looking at me like that.”

 

 

 

Jiwon was honest to god looking at you with a soft puppy expression and almost tender smile on her face. Her eyes alit with an odd glint that was almost the same as Krystal’s the other day.

 

 

 

“Stop it.” You said with gritted teeth.

 

 

 

“Aww, you love me.” She said it too loud and the two of you will probably get booted out of the library sooner than later. You bumped your forehead on top of the table, annoyed, regretting your decisions in life.

 

 

 

 

Jiwon thought it’s cute to poke the back of your neck with her finger, practically cackling, saying again and again that you love her.

 

 

 

 

Seulgi arrived (thankfully) before you decide to strangle Jiwon. You felt Seulgi settle carelessly on your left before leaning at your back like an oversized bear. She was saying something about Krystal so you straightened in your seat, careful not to squish her, you like Seulgi so much better than Jiwon.

 

 

 

When you looked up, Jiwon was smirking at you very much delighted. She even blinked (winked) at you but she failed. Idiot.

 

 

 

 

You focused on Seulgi, who looks as bubbly as always despite her news (gossip). Apparently, Krystal was in a bad mood when Seulgi side stepped her at the library entrance. You haven’t really been talking to Krystal so it was probably Kai, or who cares. You have much more important things to worry about than her tantrums. You are petty like that.

 

 

 

 

Seulgi you realized have stopped telling another story about the new council, or you think that’s what she was talking about. She was staring at the stupid diamond ring suspiciously before looking at you then turning to Jiwon’s still dumb smug teary eyed face.

 

 

 

You groaned, when Seulgi looked back and forth between you and Jiwon then the ring one more time before turning to you flabbergasted. Jiwon giggled, not being helpful at all.

 

 

 

 

“Amber what kind of simulation glitch is this.” Seulgi was waving her hand animatedly at the ring, like it’s an amoeba. You can’t help but chuckle at her expression.

 

 

 

 

“Amber loves me you know.” Jiwon singsonged.

 

 

 

“Jiwon shut up.” You really hope the three of you get kicked out of the library, now, please. Fingerscrossed.

 

 

 

“Did she threaten you? Bribed you? I really thought you’re above those, I’m disappointed. I though you can resists this witch, I hope you don’t regret it.”

 

 

 

“oh please, no need for threats or bribes, Berber loves me, because I’m what 11. You hear that bear, e-le-ven”

 

 

 

 

“Where did you say Krystal go?”

 

 

 

“Amber my friend, that’s bad, we don’t tolerate cheating here. Even if I hate you for not resisting longer than a few more years from this witch. Cheating is bad.”

 

 

You looked away from your friends. Inexplicable range crawling on your throat. Cheating will always be a sore subject.

 

 

“Seulgi.” Your serious tone made them look at you. The playful mood gone.

 

 

“Where did Krystal go?” You asked again, your voice silent, at least you didn’t sound as angry as you feel. Cheating is bad, it’s the worst form of betrayal, worst form of a lie, pain infliction. You would never.

 

 

 

“Seulgi please.”

 

 

 

“dunno, just call her, what’s wrong?”

 

 

 

“Nothing, I need to talk to Krystal”

 

 

“At least say goodbye to your girl friend.”

 

 

“ off Jiwon”

 

 

You left your laptop with them, walking hurriedly towards the exit. Your eyes were prickling with tears. You were cheated on, why would you? They don’t know, or at least Seulgi doesn’t yet. You convinced yourself as you made a sharp left turn towards the gate E. You know Krystal will be at the corner store, just because you know Krystal better than before. There was an inclined plane towards the loading bay and you almost trip at that and it distracted you from all the bad feelings you were feeling.

 

 

 

You’ve calmed down considerably before you reached the store.

 

 

 

Day 367

 

 

Krystal was late.

 

 

You were supposed to go the law journal organizational meeting together but she’s no show and the two of you were already 11 minutes late. It will probably be a bad impression to show up late on your first day as official member but you were determined to wait for Krystal. She said she’s parking so you (im)patiently waited for her at second step the stairs, sitting casually at its center. You made an effort to smile politely at the teachers and the guards walking pass by.

 

 

 

 

At least it’s not one of those busy corridors.

 

 

 

You really hate waiting areas that’s why you opt to stay at the stairs. Too many fake smiles and annoying chatter. You hate waiting in general, but you were glad you waited for Krystal. Krystal was wearing her usual white and black ensemble with a new blazer. She looked beautiful (hot) as always, and carelessly so. Always alluring and you may have walked down the remaining steps of the stairs gawking at her like a creep but she never really minded. She’s just smirking at you like always.

 

 

 

 

Krystal didn’t explain to you what happened to her plans on going in to the convent, and you don’t really want to ask. Afraid of the answers you were not sure you want to hear or ready to hear. She was distant, but still warm towards you and it was frustrating but you kept silent about it. You and Krystal were mostly surrounded by your friends and classmates these days. She’s part of your study group that Jiwon arranged because, law school more with the competition. It’s not that any of you can actually do any studying when the ‘study group’ were together but still.

 

 

 

 

It made law school bearable in a sense. Your friends were nice. Always hungry for food or gossip or knowledge (it depends), and you whine together about dying because of law school so everything was great. Except Krystal was not the same annoying brat who was pestering you every morning of the school break. It was tempting to ask why.

 

 

 

The two of you were walking towards the auditorium. It was not that far from where you were waiting and a part of you wished it was. The elation you felt walking side by side with Krystal with the companionable silence got cut short too soon. You almost asked her to take the longer way but you didn’t. There were a lot of things you wish you did.

 

 

 

 

You opened the door for her without a word out of reflex. She mumbled thanks before tiptoeing towards the nearest empty seat. Someone was already talking in front. There were a lot of people in the room. The best of their classes.

 

 

 

 

It was odd that you were there, but not that Krystal was there. She belonged with the dean listers and honor society folks. Krystal was brilliant, hardworking and really smart. Her sense of justice and morality has a soul to it that was hard to describe but her convictions always fascinating and you were lucky to be at the front seat, watching her grow into someone you wish you could be, or you could be with someday. Nowadays, she was distant too and but still orbiting close and not any less beautiful to you and you were so sure that she will change the world, like how she changed your world.

 

 

 

 

Krystal sat close beside you, using your lap as her bag holder while she opened an Ipad under the table. The crowd probably unnerved her as well. The speaker in front was talking about honor and all those verbose things that got lost on you quick. Krystal you realized was utilizing the meeting time to read for the subject after the meeting. You rest your forehead in her shoulder chuckling. You should’ve regretted it.

 

 

 

 

She smelt like pure sin as always. Chanel 05 just suit her like that, and she didn’t even flinch when you let your forehead rest longer than necessary. You missed having her close. Honor be damned.

 

 

 

 

You raised your head just in time to hear the speaker ask the crowd to introduce themselves to each other. It was the associate dean, you realized, when you finally pay attention. You nudged Krystal to pay attention too so she won’t be caught off guard.

 

 

 

Yongsun introduced herself first, which was not really surprising. Then it was Irene Bae, Seulgi’s girlfriend and you may have clapped too loudly that Krystal glared at you but you ignored her, waving at Irene when she turned. Irene gigled at you. You smiled as big as you could. Krystal pinched your stomach so you didn’t hear the next person’s speech.

 

 

 

They were making cheesy introductions, with impressive achievements it’s almost funny, but you pay attention, clapping when necessary. It’s the polite thing to do and apparently you and Krystal belonged to that crowd starting that day. Four more people then it’s your turn so you looked at Krystal, a tad bit nervous, you’re not a fan of public speaking, your eyebrows were wiggling.

 

 

 

 

Krystal took your hand from her bag and gave it a firm squeeze then she smiled your favorite smile. You wished you could take a picture because her eyes smiles too, and your soul as well, pathetically. At that moment you know you’re in trouble, but she’s Krystal, enticing, familiar, she makes you warm and it was your turn so you stood up without stumbling, smiling at the face of the strangers. You introduced yourself with a very slight tremble on your voice.

 

 

 

 

You forgot to let go of Krystal’s hand under the table. You didn’t think she minds.

 

 

Day 374

 

 

The study group was loitering in the room after class, your friends were debating on where the group should eat. Key wants to eat at that Japanese Restaurant near the campus, Jenny just wants steak and snickers bar? Stupid Chanyeol wants to get back to the bee farm. Byul was whining Burger King because students means broke people with no sleep (her words but you agree). You just want to sleep.

 

 

 

You were watching them debate over the dinner plans and the answer to the last few questions asked in class, as you sat beside Krystal who was not participating because she was animatedly texting someone. It was tempting to take a peek but you fought the urged leaning a bit farther away so you won’t see her phone screen. She giggled and you can’t help but look away from Jenny and Jisoo’s flirting in the middle of the discussion (arguing).

 

 

 

 

Krystal looked back at you as if challenging you to make a comment. You didn’t. You shook your head at her then looked away, annoyed that she’s back to texting again. Not paying attention to you.

 

 

 

 

You want to just go and leave the room unconcerned about the fuss about dinner plans. Jiwon was engaged in what seemed to be a too friendly conversation with Kai, you hate that guy sometimes. Seulgi was at the adjacent room, saying goodbye to Miss Bae. You wish you just joined Seulgi when she offered you to accompany her. It was a typical night after class.

 

 

 

Krystal suddenly slapped your lap to get your attention.

 

 

 

“Jealous?” You looked at her clueless. Krystal waved her left hand towards Jiwon and Kai’s general direction.

 

 

 

You kept looking at her, wondering what she’s talking about. A bit worried that she could hear your thoughts, or your dumb cardiac muscles. Always stuttering when she’s paying attention to you. How pathetic. Damn Channel 05.

 

 

 

“Stupid, Jiwon and Kai, aren’t you jealous?” You smiled at the word stupid, which was probably dumb. Krystal raised her left eyebrow at you, in that hot way she does.

 

 

 

“Oh that man child is definitely not her type.”

 

 

“But you’re jealous”

 

 

 

“am not.”

 

 

 

“are too.”

 

 

 

“nope, are you?” She wrinkled her nose, in disgust you want to pinch it but you kept your hands in your pocket.

 

 

 

“So who are you texting?”

 

 

 

“wouldn’t you want to know?”

 

 

 

“nevermind don’t tell me. you’re annoying”

 

 

 

“Why so cranky stupid?”

 

 

You looked at her with deadpan expression. A complete juxtapose of the butterflies circling in your damn ribs. Why won’t your heart cooperate when you need it to? She just smiled coyly before turning to her phone then back at you.

 

 

 

“Oh let me show you” Krystal even snapped her fingers and you smiled at her indulgently.

 

 

“Here look, L sent me pictures from their last flight.”

 

 

“L?”

 

 

“my boyfriend stupid.” You rolled your eyes, you forgot wonder boy’s name already.

 

 

“really?”

 

 

 

“yep, here” Krystal leaned closer to you to show you her phone screen. It was like a whiplash and you were drowning in chanel 05 and nausea from the fact that Krystal was swooning over her boyfriend beside you.

 

 

 

She even giggled again because of another message notification and you wished you can unread it. It says she’s a tease and dumb, but he likes her anyway. You cannot even really feel anything besides dread but you forced a laugh because the pictures were actually cute ridiculous even, and boy wonder may be at par with Krystal’s god genes at least.

 

 

 

You think you heard your heart crack when she told you she decides to keep him but you told her that’s great, while subtly pushing her phone away from you.

 

 

 

It was hard to breathe with her close as she slowly breaks your heart but you didn’t stand up from your seat. You listened to Krystal instead. Silently praying that she won’t hear your heart breaking, letting  Chanel 05 engulf you completely. She was telling you stories you don’t wish to hear. She was telling you how she spends her weekend lying in bed doing nothing with him, that’s why she haven’t been bothering you lately, she explained.

 

 

 

 

Krystal even made plans to introduce him to the study group after the Saturday class. It was cruel of her, but you can’t help but smile at her because she seemed genuinely happy so you can’t really hate her stories for real. You like hearing her voice, excited, enticed the way you would probably always will be when it comes to her, so you urged her on.

 

 

 

 

 

You even traded stories without really knowing, with Elin as the point of comparison. Dating and you didn’t work out well most of the time so you don’t have much to share except for your memories with Elin. You hate how you sound nostalgic, happy even, but you told Krystal the stories you thought you’ve forgotten just so Krystal will keep looking at you, telling you, her stories with the boy you envy so much, it’s ridiculous. Trading all those painful memories tainted but somehow can still make your heart beat just a little quicker.

 

 

 

 

Krystal leaned closer really interested to hear you tell stories of Elin, of how Elin was a great cook when she’s not lazy, or how Elin plays volleyball so well, you would miss classes to watch her games. You even shared to Krystal how Elin’s grandmother will make you watch afternoon variety shows with her while you massage the old lady’s hands, and how Elin will watch the two of you and take pictures, lots and lots of pictures.

 

 

 

It felt great to tell Elin stories without receiving an eye roll or a shake of the head, pity. Krystal listened as intently as how you listened to her stories and with a small smile. You still hated that she was talking about that man or that you were talking about Elin, but you enjoyed Krystal’s story telling. You enjoyed the light in her eyes. The gracefulness of each movement when she tips her head a bit to the left to listen to you. The genuine happiness in her voice. She looked ethereal to you that way, and you wished to keep her in your memories the way she was at that moment.

 

 

 

The twenty one year old Krystal Jung was breaking your heart for the first time that night but you couldn’t care less. You were smiling at her even when she left your side without saying goodbye.

 

 

 

Day 388

 

 

It’s only the third day of preliminary exams and you already want to drop out from all your classes. You have just submitted your exam papers, ready to bail out of school. The corridors were filled with students who looked as miserable as you, at least exams were an equalizer like death or you though it is.

 

 

A light tap in your shoulder startled you from your thoughts. Krystal grimaced at you before looping her right arm to your left arm just above your elbow. She looked as dead as the rest of the student body which made you frown, wondering if there’s anything bothering her other than the fact that your professor is for asking those questions which were definitely not part of the posted exam coverage. You tried to pull away from her to ask questions but she wouldn’t let go so you let her be.

 

 

 

It was odd, but you’ve learned to just go with the flow with Krystal, there’s never been a dull moment with her so far, she’s almost always unpredictable. Hopefully you got lucky and she tells you without giving you a hard time. You stole a glance at her one last time before focusing on the path that the two of you were walking. There were a lot of people waiting in the elevator so the two of you silently agreed to use the stairs.

 

 

 

Neither of you spoke as you walked towards the well-lit corridors of the university. It was a great night.

 

 

 

There were Halloween decorations at the area near the building where you come from and it bathed the two of you with colorful blinking lights. The fake jack-o-lanterns were arranged in threes along the path walk with fake cobwebs and bats. You wondered were the SSC got all the funds considering that the new council after the Bae era was a mess. You’ve criticized them too much in your head but you don’t really say anything about them out loud because Jessica was part of the new council. You wouldn’t voice how embarrassing some of the council’s project were even if you want to.

 

 

 

“Can I watch you smoke?” Krystal said observing the decorations, which were actually mismatched but better than nothing. You don’t really have plans to smoke but you can’t say no to her even if you want to, so you pulled her to take her to a narrower path that leads to one of the five guard gates around the university.

 

 

 

 

Students are forbidden to use those gates, but you know one that they never locked for some reason. It leads to a narrow old train rail in between the university and the tennis courts.

 

 

 

“Amber.” Krystal said alarmed, or exhilarated you didn’t know for sure. You pulled her to the left when the two of you stepped out of the gate.

 

 

 

The lamp post outside the guard gate was far in between making it a bit darker than those inside the university. You sat at rusty steel chair under one of the lamppost already fishing for a lighter.

 

 

 

“Where are we?”

 

 

 

Krystal didn’t sit beside you. She has her arms crossed, warily observing the never ending rail road track and the darkness.

 

 

 

“Don’t worry they don’t use this track anymore.”

 

 

 

“I’m not worried.” She mumbled eyeing you with an unreadable expression.

 

 

 

“Yes, you are. Come here, sit. What’s wrong?”

 

 

“Nothing.”

 

 

“Is nothing L?”

 

 

“Amber.” She sounds exasperated, so definitely L.

 

 

 

“Don’t worry I won’t give you relationship advice or anything, I at relationships, I know my limits, but I’ll listen, whatever it is---”

 

 

 

“He wants to have with me.”

 

 

 

You choked on the smoked and it burned your lungs and your sinus, your eyes watered.

 

 

“What the Krystal, a warning would be nice.”

 

 

“Didn’t think you’d be a prude.”

 

 

“Hey play nice I think I burned my lungs.”

 

 

“Isn’t that your aim, burn your lungs or something.”

 

 

“Whatever, so L wants , don’t you want to have ?”

 

 

 

“should I want to?” You chuckled at her, the burning in your throat forgotten, leave it to Krystal to make everything difficult.

 

 

 

“I dunno, I like men who looked less beautiful than your boyfriend.”

 

 

 

“How did you know when you want to have with Elin?” Your cigarette slipped your fingers and burned a hole in your pants, right leg. You hurriedly brushed it off.

 

 

 

“Goddammit Krystal, what’s wrong with you?”

 

 

 

“I’m just trying to make a point of comparison.”

 

 

 

“It’s like comparing apples to circle, nothing comparable at all stop saying that name please.”

 

 

 

“But you love Elin didn’t you?”

 

 

 

“Loved, and I told you stop saying her name, it’s like honing beacon to bad spirits.” So you love L huh?

 

 

 

 

“Sorry.”

 

 

 

“Why are we even having this ty conversation, is he forcing you to have with him because I don’t care if he’s from Air Force, I’ll ask Chan and Kai to beat him up.”

 

 

 

“You mean you’ll send the two stooges to get a beating from him, oh that would be fun to watch.”

 

 

 

“Why are you even happy to hear them getting their asses kicked? Nevermind don’t answer that, seriously what’s up?”

 

 

 

“I don’t want to have with him.”

 

 

 

“Then don’t, he won’t force you right? I mean I’ll send Jessica with Chan and Kai to beat him up if he forces you.”

 

 

 

“L’s not like that, he’s a gentleman he won’t do that.” If only you knew what my college friends were telling me about boy wonder.

 

 

 

“Okay.”

 

 

 

“It’s just, I’m not attracted to him ually.”

 

 

 

“Wait what?”

 

 

 

“You heard me.”

 

 

 

 

“I mean why?”

 

 

 

“I don’t know.” Krystal looked lost, there was a storm of emotions in her eyes, worry stands out from all the rest, some you can’t even name or understand.

 

 

 

You pulled her to sit beside you leaving a considerable distance so you could turn to her to gauge her expression. The lamppost was not really helping much, but it’s enough. Krystal really looked bothered about it.

 

 

 

“Have you kissed him yet? I mean of course you do, sorry I asked”

 

 

 

“We kissed, I didn’t like it.” Your heart stuttered louder because of her answer and you want to rip if off for it to calm down.

 

 

 

 

“He’s that bad?”

 

 

 

“No stupid nothing like that.”

 

 

 

 

“Then what?”

 

 

 

 

“Should we really be here on this area?”

 

 

 

“Don’t worry, see that other building, those are the tennis courts, the team’s still there. Now stop changing the subject.”

 

 

 

“I hate this. Can I try a stick?”

 

 

 

“No absolutely not.”

 

 

 

 

“Can I kiss you?”

 

 

 

 

“Not funny anymore Stal. Come on, let’s just go home. Sleep it off.”

 

 

 

 

 

“Please Stupid.”

 

 

 

“No.”

 

 

 

“Why?”

 

 

 

“Just no.”

 

 

 

“Am I not attractive?”

 

 

“You have a boyfriend and that’s cheating.”

 

 

“Okay, 5 minutes.”

 

 

 

“not happening, I’m out of here.”

 

 

 

“No stay seated, you big baby, I said 5 minutes.”

 

 

 

“Krystal, no, absolutely not. Are you crazy?”

 

 

 

“Maybe I am. Just shut up and stay seated okay, 5 minutes.” Krystal said distractedly as she dialed a phone number she has memorized. She shusshhed you again when you tried to speak, focusing on her phone instead.

 

 

 

“Hello? Where are you? Have you touched down already?” 

 

 

 

“Great, let’s break up.”

 

 

“Jung Soojung what the are you doing?” You whispered aggravated.

 

 

“No, no, no, it’s not all about , and it’s not your fault.”

 

 

“Just be careful okay?”

 

“Okay bye.”

 

 

“Now can I kiss you?” Her familiar brown eyes have storm in them and it’s almost impossible to deny her.

 

 

 

“No.” Yes

 

 

“We broke up, so not cheating and he knew it was coming to that point already, I think we’re both comfortable with each other but we’re not really meant for each other.”

 

 

“It’s still a no Krystal. He wants to have there’s something in there. Sort it out, and don’t ask me to kiss you again like that?”

 

 

“So you want me to have with him?”

 

 

“No, I did not say that, I want you to talk to him and sort it out like a normal person.”

 

 

“Now I’m not normal. I really should not have talked to you about this. You are insufferable.”

 

 

“I know, but please Krystal, I don’t want you to regret this, please think this through.”

 

 

“Done with the thinking I’m doing something about it, and instead of helping me you are a being annoying.”

 

 

“Pot and Kettle Krys. I know you do what you want but you can’t just do that, what about his feelings? I know your mercurial and all, fascinating mercurial but like I said I don’t want you to regret this.”

 

 

 

“Already regretting it. You know what fine, I’ll just ask Seulgi to kiss me.”

 

 

“Are you kidding me?!”

 

 

 

“I’m serious Amber, this is making me crazy.”

 

 

“You are making me crazy, .”

 

 

“. . .”

 

 

“Get up, let’s go. Sleep this off, and apologize to L, tell him you’ll talk to him again when you’re not like this anymore.”

 

 

“Stupid, you don’t understand.”

 

 

“Yes, I don’t please stop this whatever game this is.”

 

 

 

“Do you really think this is a game to me?”

 

 

“Isn’t it?”

 

 

“I hate you Amber.”

 

 

“Me too.”

 

 

“What?”

 

 

“Nothing, let’s just go home, leave your car here. I’ll drive you home.”

 

 

“I can drive.”

 

 

“No you don’t.” You reached out for her hand and intertwined your fingers willing her to calm down, gently pulling her through the gate. She tried to free her hand but you hold on to her tighter, stopping only near a statue, were it wasn’t too dark anymore.

 

 

Krystal looked so upset and close to crying. You let go of her hand.

 

 

“I’m sorry.” She glared at the statue, her hands clenched on her sides.

 

 

“Okay maybe you think I said all the wrong answers and like that but—“

 

 

 

Krystal turned her glare at you and you stop talking all together, afraid to say all the wrong things again. She raised her eyebrows prompting you to speak and you did. The glare was still convincing.

 

 

 

“I do want to kiss you, have you seen you? But we are good friends, we’re so good at this stuff, we’re in synch, I don’t want it all to go to hell, and please don’t think that I am invalidating your feelings or anything like that, I just, maybe there’s something else we could do.”

 

 

 

“No we don’t but I do. This is annoying.”

 

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

 

 

“You’re really stupid, god why do you have to be like this.”

 

 

 

“Sorry okay, let’s just think of something else, I’ll accompany you on the weekend so you can talk to L personally, that could be arranged, would you like that?”

 

 

“Whatever, let’s go just drive me home.”

 

 

Day 403

 

It’s 6 am and all you want to do was get back to bed and forget the rest of the in your life but the universe won’t give you that luxury. You were sitting at one of the uncomfortable steel chairs near the university’s main lobby, waiting for the school shuttle. It’s the first bar exam day and apparently law students should be cheering for the bar takers of the university and helping out in making it easier or more convenient for them. You don’t mind, you just wish they won’t set the assembly time too early.

 

 

 

Krystal was in between Jiwon and Seulgi, surrounded by the three stooges (Key, Chanyeol and Kai). Krystal was telling a very detailed description of her trip with L, you were glad they made up after that impulsive break up stunt Krystal did.

 

 

 

It just that Krystal became more distant after that. The push and pull was really getting old fast and you felt like its more trouble than it’s worth. Krystal’s unpredictable and attractive like a ranging storm. She’s good at pulling out emotions from you that you’ve thought you’ve buried already. She’s also good at making your heart stutter just by being close, which was more inconvenient than bothersome because you knew that there’s no getting back from that anymore.

 

 

 

You diverted your attention to something or someone else before it gets uglier than it already was. There’s the content that you need to submit to your editor and more paper works from the law office. There’s also Im Jinah, call her Nana she said when she sat beside you on a boring assembly a few days ago.

 

 

Nana was a 3rd Year, barely hanging there like the rest of the student population but she’s cool and she gives you weed, and life advises. She’s great at poker and she knows how to have fun. She’s ambitious and she does everything she wants to get what she wants, you love it.

 

 

Nana was late though and you weren’t really expecting her to be on time, but it would have been nice if she would show up already. The shuttle’s ETA was 14 minutes. Nana would probably have to drive herself to the hotel where the bar takers were staying, or she won’t, you called her to be sure.

 

 

 

Apparently she overslept and you should fetch her from wherever the she was (her words) if you want her to join the activity. She sounded so hangover and miserable you cackled gleeful at your phone before telling her to get dressed, you’re on your way. Nana called you halfheartedly before ending the call. You chuckled before facing Jiwon who’s already looking at you confused. You stood up to tie your shoes, you left them untied when you reached school.

 

 

“See you at the hotel Wonnie.”

 

 

“They’ll circulate the attendance sheet at the shuttle you know.”

 

 

“You can sign for me please.

 

 

“No, where are you going?”

 

 

“Forgot something from the apartment I’m getting it.”

 

 

“Nana’s an adult she can drive herself to the hotel.”

 

 

“Nana is dying of hangover and will not come unless I force her to. It’s okay wonnie, will not take long she’s not in her condo.”

 

 

“Just don’t get arrested okay?”

 

 

“Yes Mom.”

 

 

“I’m serious ber, be careful and tell her I’ll shoot her if she gets you arrested.”

 

 

 

 

“No thanks, you too okay, be careful, presence of mind and all that. Where’s Seul?”

 

 

 

“With Bae, are you sure you don’t want to ride with us in the shuttle. Nana can choke for all I care.”

 

 

 

“Mean, play nice please, I’m leaving.” You messed with her hair.

 

 

“Hey.”

 

 

“Bye bye wonnie, call me when you reached the hotel, I’ll go find Seul.”

 

 

If Krystal cared that you purposefully ignored her, she didn’t show any sign that she did. You stole a glimpse of her stupidly perfect face before jogging off the lobby. Krystal wouldn’t even look at you.

 

***

 

Nana was snoring softly at the passenger’s seat as you carefully maneuver your car in the parking space a few blocks from the hotel where the bar takers where staying. The university made all the takers stay at the same hotel since there were only 23 takers from your university for the bar exam. Nana will surely whine for the long walk but it’ll probably make her more alert and a bit less hangover.

 

 

 

Jiwon has been calling you since you’ve reached the parking space, she was demanding that you be at the lobby because they all look stupid loitering there and she’s already fed up with Jackson hitting on her. Jiwon’s technically single so she didn’t have the boyfriend excuse anymore and sharks come circling in when it reached the gossip mill. You were amused by her irritation and at least it distracts her from SJ’s decision to be an . You really have low hopes for men these days.

 

 

 

You let Nana sleep for a few more minutes before you reached out to wake her up. Jiwon will probably be dragging the two of you from the car if you let Nana sleep a few more minutes. Nana slapped your hand shifting to find a more comfortable position. You tried again, shaking her harder. She glared at you before closing her eyes mumbling something incoherent. You reached out for the sunglasses at the center console and give it to her without a word.

 

 

 

Nana tugged the glasses from your hands groaning as the movement made her headache worse. You’ve already given her pain killers when you fetched her from wherever so it’s probably not as bad as it was a while ago. You took off her seatbelt for her before motioning her to get out. She didn’t really acknowledge you or move from her seat but you got out of the car first, knowing that she will stay inside a few minutes more just to spite you.

 

 

 

Calling Jiwon was probably a bad idea but you’ve already dialed her number before you really thought about it. Seulgi was a volunteer because Bae facilitates the activities for the bar takers and you won’t take chances ‘distracting’ Seulgi, you don’t want to feel the wrath of angry Bae.

 

 

 

“Ber where are you and the devil spawn?” Jiwon was whispering at the phone agitated as expected. You allowed her to mumble to herself more focused on the sound of Krystal’s voice in the background, Krystal was asking Jiwon about you. You smiled despite yourself too giddy just because Krystal was asking about you. It was stupid.

 

 

 

“What’s with the creepy smile?” Nana was already out and she was walking funny towards your side of the car. You ignored her to focus on Jiwon.

 

 

“Will be there in 10 minutes, save space for us at the back. Thank you Jiwonniee” You ended the call before you can hear more protest.

 

 

“What’s your girlfriend telling you now?” Nana asked casually as she walks ahead of you.

 

 

 

“Who Jiwon? Not my girlfriend she’s asking if we were coming already.”

 

 

“Oh I did, thankfully, you on the other hand, needs to get laid, just get it on with your girlfriend you know I bet you won’t even have to ask.”

 

 

“Nana please, too early for that , and for the nth time Jiwon and me not happening. I wish.”

 

 

“Or she wishes. Nevermind, can you walk closer I think I’m falling over.”

 

 

“What was it last night anyway?”

 

 

“Just rum, a keg probably but it was fun. You should have joined.” Nana was looking up at you with the aviator sunglasses on, she was wearing flip flops and you were a bit taller with your sensible boots. She still looked a bit loopy.

 

 

You pulled her closer conversation forgotten because she almost walk into a huge plant box at the edge of the path walk.

 

 

 

“Careful rum girl.” You chuckled as she cursed because her toes probably hurt, probably not that much.

 

 

 

“Still better than your sober , last night was awesome.” She was able to say haughtily still.

 

 

“I’m not into doing this school thing hangover.” You said as the two of you walked leisurely to your destination. Nana was probably leaning most of her weight on you but you didn’t say anything about it. You’re the one who dragged her to the hotel anyway.

 

 

 

The conversation lulled as Nana focused on not face planting on the pathwalk. It was amusing and you were chuckling when the two of you reached the edge of the crowd. All the amusement fades away when you spotted Jiwon. She was wearing the university colors with a bit face make up that makes her look an angry cat. You changed sides with Nana as precaution.

 

 

 

Krystal was standing beside Jiwon eyeing you curiously. She didn’t acknowledge you when you walked closer and you weren’t surprised. It but it’s been like that since after you drove her home that night. Your stuttering heart was a bit prickly but you ignored that because Jiwon was advancing in fast. You pulled a very amused Nana behind you.

 

 

You can feel Nana’s breath in your ear as she whispered stupid things to you. “Your girlfriend is gonna kill me, or maybe your wife. I like your type kiddo.”

 

 

 

“Not helping Nana please.”

 

 

“You’re late.” Jiwon’s voice was firm and controlled.

 

 

 

“We got held up somewhere, we’re here now, what’s happening? Are there seats left in the shuttle?” You tried changing the subject, to distract Jiwon, she likes being a smartass all the time, you were hoping she will get smartass on you, that’s better than mad, but she wasn’t paying attention to you.

 

 

 

Jiwon was glaring at Nana, it almost scared you, but stupid Nana had the nerve to giggle. You turned to Nana.

 

 

 

“Girl please, Wonnie knows karate, she’ll kick our asses.” You grunted at Nana, praying under your breath that Nana listens. She didn’t. She never did.

 

 

 

Nana opened to say something stupid, though thankfully someone cut her off. Krystal was butting in the conversation to your surprise delight (your pathetic heart’s content). You didn’t hear what Krystal was saying at first but you almost almost ran over to her and hug her or something. She sounds cool, still distant but she was apparently addressing you. You listened to her attentively or you tried to.

 

 

 

“--- we’re buddies, I think Jessi Unnie made the lists for this activity apparently. I hope you don’t mind running off all over to buy things for the Bar exam takers.”

 

 

 

You honestly didn’t really understand what she meant by that but you said yes and walked closer to where she was standing, ignoring both Jiwon and Nana. The crowd murmur started to get louder but you ignored it, trying to observe your buddy (Thank you Jessi) at your peripheral vision.

 

 

 

 

Krystal was standing bored, playing something on her phone as she lean at one of the hotel seats outside. Your group are supposed to cheer on the bar takers as they walk towards the shuttle that will bring them to the University venue of the exams. It was borderline embarrassing when it all started because they were really clapping and saying weird things in form of a cheer as one of the bar takers start walking. He looked relieved as he stepped at the bus near where you, Krystal were. Someone even thought it was a good idea, to be rowdy and started pushing.

 

 

 

You almost walked out of the madness if not for Krystal’s cold hand holding on to your wrist in a firm grip. She wasn’t looking at you nor participating in the shouting or the clapping but she stood there at the sea of annoying people so you did too, Nana, Jiwon and the rest of the world forgotten.

 

 

 

 

You sincerely hated how Chanel 05 and Krystal’s hand on your wrist, was the only thing you can clearly remember before sitting timidly beside your buddy. Nana was blasting your phone but you didn’t go to where she was. Krystal only let go of your hand when the school bus started moving to the café were your team will be encamped to prepare the food and other things that the bar takers will be needing.

 

 

 

 

Krystal probably missed you too, you don’t know for sure, but she shared her left airpod with you, without a word, only glaring when you tried to speak. You smiled your best smile at her before taking the offered airpod. Of course she’s listening to The Smiths. You don’t like the music but you listened to the smiths with her

 

 

 

 

You hated how the traffic didn’t really move as slowly as you hoped it would, but the slow pace that you used to hate was a blessing.

 

 

 

The bus was loud, as expected, you can hear Seulgi bickering with Jisoo while Jiwon was talking with the school bus driver, and she sounds like she wants to shoulder the bus driver’s daughter’s high school expenses. Chan and V were singing obnoxiously with Key, idiots. Moonbyul was flirting (infuriatingly) smoothly with Miss Yongsun of all the people. You were ready to scream when you feel Krystal’s head drop on your shoulders.

 

 

 

 

She really fell asleep through the ruckus and you hope it’s just because she had to wake up too early for the bull . She looked younger asleep, soft and you moved a few strands of hairs away from her face gently before tuning everything else out, cringing a bit when she shifted. Her breathing remained even and you left her like that, forcing yourself to look away because it will catch the attention of the couple across the two of you.

 

 

 

 

Jennie and Kai were apparently a thing, you honestly still doubt that but you don’t care much, they both have better days at least they’re both genuine and Kai stopped flirting with Krystal so there’s that too.

 

 

 

 

xxx

 

 

It was a scene straight out of a movie or a dream, an anime montage if you’re pushing it. Krystal was walking close by your side as the gentle breeze sway the leaves of the ancient trees lining the oldest university in the city. You were barely paying attention to where the two of you were headed, intently stealing glances at Krystal. She has been silent since the two of you (she) volunteered to save a slot for the team. You didn’t even know what team were they talking about or where the two of you were headed.

 

 

 

Krystal’s face seemed like it hasn’t aged a minute, dreamlike, serene as she walks slowly watching the leaves sway as you watch her. She has a small smile in her face and you almost asked what was amusing if you weren’t so afraid to break the spell.

 

 

 

She probably is god’s favorite angel, you were sure of it and you almost said it out loud if not for the firm grip on your bicep.

 

 

 

Krystal tugged you away from a lamp post that you almost walk into, ‘stupid’ she mumbled endearingly as she giggles uncontrollably. The two of you continued the path, the calm still unbroken still. You looked away from her embarrassed, she did not just caught you staring, she really has to catch you before you slammed into a stupid lamp post. You can feel the warmth in the back of your neck crawling to the tips of your ears and you wished so badly that Krystal would not notice, but of course she did.

 

 

 

She brushed her fingers nonchalantly to your tomato ears, her tone was teasing when she broke the silence. “Didn’t you like what you see, why so embarrassed?”

 

 

 

You turned to her to grumble or say anything coherent but you were unable to utter a single word. The unnerving glint in her eyes was back as she gracefully run her hand through her jet black hair leaving you gawking, breathless. you can’t help but curse in your head.

 

 

 

She suddenly stopped walking.

 

 

“Are you in love with me Amber?” She asked in a soft tone, she was looking directly into your eyes.

 

 

 

Should you lie, to her or to yourself? You at making split seconds decisions so you did both. Your heart stuttered a warning but you ignored it, faking a smile as you got lost in her familiar eyes.

 

 

 

“Nope” Probably .

 

 

“Good.” She said replied, looking away quickly before she started to walk again, not waiting for you to catch up.

 

 

 

You watch her walk farther with each step not making any move to follow. Your skin prickled and you suddenly hated walking under the bright afternoon sun. Dread crawled like spiders from the pits of your stomach.

 

 

Day 410

 

 

You were not in love with Krystal, you were sure of it. It was infatuation because Krystal is a dream, your dream, or maybe you are. You hate it. You groaned as you slumped all your weight on Jiwon, she was watching something animatedly on her phone but she didn’t push you away.

 

 

 

Why can’t you be in love with Jiwon instead, she’s straight like Krystal but she’s single and nope, your friend, you don’t date your friends anymore, like you did when you were younger. You shuddered as you remembered the fiasco of dating almost half of the group, it was not even a fun mess.

 

 

“Wonnie” You whined uncharacteristically as you buried your face on her shoulder.

 

 

 

“Ber off, I’m watching queen Williamson.”

 

 

 

“Who?” You peeked at her screen and you whined again. How can women football be more important than your problem? You really were a moron. You blinked twice as the camera focused on a blond soccer player, she was lean and tall, lanky and really really really attractive.

 

 

 

You rest your chin on Jiwon’s shoulder to look closer. Number six, Ms. tall blond and hot-af was passing the ball back and forth with her teammates and it should’ve looked boring if not for the way Miss tall blond and hot af does it.

 

 

 

“Who’s number six?” You can’t help but ask, your cheeks were almost pressing to Jiwon’s chin.

 

 

 

“Love of my life, Leah Williamson.”

 

 

“The love of our life” You corrected. “Didn’t know your into sports too Wonnie.”

 

 

“sshhh.”

 

 

“I have a problem.”

 

 

“Okay.”

 

 

“You’re annoying like this.” You buried your nose on her shoulders. She smells like summer.

 

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

 

“I told Krystal I’m not inlove with her, but I don’t know if I am. I mean.” You stopped mid-sentence and cheered because Miss Tall blond and hot af’s team had scored.

 

 

Jiwon’s screen turned black and you glared at her, you really wanted to see the team celebration because you bet Ms. Tall Blond and Hot AF is also really pretty when she smiles.

 

 

“.”

 

 

“Yeah, .”

 

 

“Condolences.” You made a face.

 

 

“Sorry, I mean what do you want me to say? I can’t tell you how to feel, I won’t even advice you to date someone else because that will be unfair to them. You know Jung has a boyfriend right?”

 

 

 

“Yes but I don’t, I didn’t-”

 

 

“Amber, you can be in love with her no one can tell you off about that but you’re just gonna get hurt and no one wants that, just maybe accept it then let it go or I don’t know.”

 

 

 

“Let it go? Already? I’m not really sure if I’m in love with her maybe it’s not…“ Your voice was muffled over the soft material of Jiwon’s plain blue shirt.

 

 

“Why you planning to go the unrequited path or something? How about try to work on how you really feel for her first?” Jiwon said sagely, unlocking her phone again.

 

 

 

“Okay, yes, maybe that’ll work thank you Wonniee.” You buried your nose on her neck as you wove your arms around her.

 

 

 

“What will you ever do without me and Seulgi?”

 

 

 

“Yeah yeah, let’s continue watching football please, is tall hot and gorgeous always that good?”

 

 

 

“LOML? Pretty much.”

 

 

“Scoot over, I wanna see the whole screen.” You were probably being disgusting but you’re sad and going crazy.

 

 

“Look Krystal.” Jiwon pointed at a random direction and you craned your neck, moving away from her as quickly as possible. Really crazy.

 

 

“Where? She’s supposed to be at the debate society meeting, I-“

 

 

“You are hopeless.”

 

 

“Thanks, .”

 

 

“Yeah, , whisky or tequila then?”

 

 

Day 414

 

 

You double checked your tie on your phone screen for no apparent reason. You were regretting it already but there’s no getting away from it anymore. Krystal has coaxed you to accompany her in attending the Christmas Ball. You were never fan of black and tie events but you said yes, with an actual genuine smile because Krystal was making eyes and she was annoyingly cute, it was sickening how quickly you said yes. You’re her friend tag along what can go wrong?

 

 

 

It’s a school exclusive event but you still wonder why she didn’t ask any of the three stooges or that annoying third year tool to accompany her. Apparently you were the best she could do given her options and you just rolled your eyes at that, not in the slightest bit offended. She chose you was all you got from that statement. You were probably just digging your own grave deeper at this point.

 

 

 

Krystal was the one who will drive the two of you to the venue because apparently it’s the least she can do for the favor she was asking. No wonder you like her too much, she’s well attuned to you most of the time. Krystal knew the crowd makes you uncomfortable more often than not but she insists that you come with her so she volunteers to drive among other perks promised, but you were almost regretting it really, until you opened her passenger’s seat.

 

 

 

 

You almost banged your head to the window.

 

 

 

Krystal was wearing her gold night gown, and she has bunched the skirt on her thigh so she can drive. Your brain was short circuiting and you’re pathetically tongue tied. It’s not helping that the neckline of the gown was too low for your sanity. At least you were wearing sunglasses at the pretense of having hangover, and even if you were really a tad bit hangover, you think you’re already sober and wide awake or dreaming.

 

 

 

It was a great thing Krystal was the one who was driving, or maybe not.

 

 

 

“Let’s make a quick detour, I’m introducing you to L.”

 

 

 

Your first thought was hell no, he’s not worthy to see an angel in flesh but you bit your lip hard, forcing a smile even if Krystal can’t see it. You can feel your heart was shattering to the rhythm of the sad love song Krystal loves to play on her car.

 

 

 

You blinked falling face first from the free fall feeling of actually being Krystal’s plus one to the black and tie event you weren’t really planning to attend before she asked, Jiwon is not even attending. The whole ride to where L was supposed to be waiting was nauseating and your heart kept beating loudly wanting out of the car, or Krystal’s life because Krystal is a dream but the universe was really sick for whatever game it has been playing on the two of you.

 

 

 

Krystal parallel parked with a practice ease at a nondescript coffee shop. You almost told her to go out without you but she was looking at you oddly and you hate that look so you took off your seatbelt and dragged yourself out of your solace.

 

 

 

Boy wonder was seated near the door of the coffee shop.

 

 

 

L was a pretty boy, you knew that already. His reputation precedes him. One of your buddies actually knew him, and your buddy didn’t like him for a lot of reasons but you smiled at L coolly, fighting the urge to kick him in the groin especially for the way he was staring at Krystal’s .

 

 

 

 

 

You stepped in between L and Krystal in the pretense of trying to look at the menu. You weren’t sure if you can keep any food or beverage down but swallowed the inconvenient lump in your throat as you feign interest in the different varieties of tea that the Coffee Shop has to offer. YOU DON’T EVEN DRINK TEA.

 

 

 

Krystal merely sidestepped you, to continue whatever one sided conversation she was having with L. She has cow eyes over him and she still looks ethereal but you suddenly want to purge the look on her face off your memory.

 

 

 

“love you.” Krystal was saying so carelessly to L and you regret having ears and heart, both were hurting you badly, the barista smiled at you.

 

 

 

“So you’re Amber, hi, I’m L, Soojung’s boyfriend.” L offered his hand for a handshake with a lazy smile. He has a firm grip. It wasn’t that bad, but you had a sudden urge to knock all his teeth when he stole another glance at Krystal’s cleavage.

 

 

 

“It’s nice to meet you.” You said in a high pitched tone that made Krystal’s eyebrow rise. You ignored her to force L to look at you.

 

 

He was still looking at Krystal, understandably, but boy wonder was really walking on thin ice. Krystal saved you from the small talk and/or from doing something stupid. She stepped in and ordered brewed coffee to go for you, at least she remembered how you hate tea and that you like your coffee with no cream or sugar. You stepped back exhaling loudly.

 

 

 

The lovers got lost in their own world and you have to lean on to the table near the counter to stay upright. You really must be in love with her because it’s getting harder to breath. You texted Seulgi and Jiwon. , was all you can type before sending.

 

 

Seulgi is calling.

 

 

“She really did it?” Seulgi said without saying hello.

 

 

“You know?”

 

 

“She told me the other day that she wants her boyfriend and her best friend to meet or something like that.” You frowned.

 

 

 

“It’s Seulgi.” You told Krystal when she suddenly turned to you. “I’ll just-“ you gestured to the coffee shop door, moving swiftly away from Krystal.

 

 

“This .”

 

 

“I’m sorry Am, you want me to fetch you? Unnie wouldn’t mind if we make a detour to you.”

 

 

“You’re with Joohyun?”

 

 

“Yes, she driving us to the ball, where are you?”

 

 

“Nah it’s okay, thank you Seul. Maybe I’ll get over it this way”

 

 

“I don’t think that’s the way it works, but sure, just text if you need anything okay berber?”

 

 

“I will. They’re getting out. See you later Seul, thanks.”

 

 

“Seeyah, hang in there kay.

 

“will do bye Seul”

 

 

You were just pocketing your phone when Krystal walked towards you, invading your personal space like she normally does.

 

 

“Did she tell you where the venue is?” Krystal asks as she hands you the coffee.

 

 

“You didn’t know where it is?

 

 

“I know where it is I just didn’t know how to get there”

 

 

“Why are you driving then?”

 

 

“Amber shut up, bye L.”

 

 

Krystal kissed him softly in the lips and your heart split unevenly in a snap All the fight in your bones left with the remaining hopes of infatuation not this kind of attraction towards the most impossible person in the world. The dread in your stomach made you nauseous and you wanted to go as far away from Krystal as possible but there’s nowhere to go. Krystal locked the door eyeing you curiously. You took a sip on the coffee that was too hot it burns, though it’s nothing compared to the burning in the middle of your chest. You sincerely hate how she was making you feel at the moment but you still managed a fake smile when she turned to you before she started the car.

 

 

You could not remember the rest of the ride, except for Krystal’s familiar eyes, watching you in the rear view mirror. It was haunting how clear it was, if she’s sending a message, you got it loud and clear. You asked Nana if she will be attending the ‘stupid’ ball.

 

 

xxx

 

The venue was nothing unexpected. It was typical, ballroom with a sea of people dressed in mostly black like it would make them look more attractive, when it’s supposed to be a festive event. You stayed close to Krystal, jacket less in the cold venue because people think its okay to ogle at her and disregard some societal boundaries. You can’t blame them really.

 

 

The pieces of your heart were still beating erratically just standing close to Krystal. She kept her hand at the small of your back like she was afraid that you will bolt and walk away. All the people staring at the two of you were making you uncomfortable, the cuffs were itchy.

 

 

“Calm down, you look great, let them stare” The smell of chanel 05 together with the smell of Krystal’s breath was making you light headed and you fought the urge walk away. It was getting painful in the chest, being breathless with her so near, it felt like she was tempting you to kiss her sometimes. You bit your lip hard, turning a bit to your side.

 

 

Krystal took your hand, a single squeeze.

 

“You’re okay, focus on me.” You wonder if she can hear your thoughts, or your stomach somersaulting to the beat of whatever disaster jazz was playing in the background. You wished you didn’t listen to her.

 

 

Krystal has always been beautiful. You’ve known that for a while, but she was breathtaking up close. It was inconvenient and unfair and you wished so badly that she wasn’t so enticing because you lose even before you knew what there was. Krystal was worrying her lip, looking at you with so much tenderness you didn’t think you deserve. You wish she would stop worrying or looking at you like that.

 

“Do you want to go home?” There’s that tone again, saccharine, you can feel your nerves humming approvingly with your soul. The stares around the two of you prickling your skin.

 

“No.” Yes.

 

“Thank you.”

 

“Anything for the princess.” You said cheekily looking away to take a champagne flute from the tray of a waiter walking by, your dumb cardiac muscles need to calm down.

 

“Princess huh, I like it.”

 

“Of course you do Princess.” She giggled, and you rolled your eyes to hide reddening of the tips of your ears. Your heart was stuttering so badly you weren’t sure you could survive the night.

 

The next song was thankfully not jazz anymore, and it was one of Krystal’s favorite songs, so you turned to her grinning. She was mouthing the lyrics and you did too, you didn’t even realize you’ve memorized the lyrics to her favorite song already. You got lost watching her watch you. The crowd finally forgotten.

 

She squeezed your hand again. “You got this.” It’s the small reassuring smile that killed you. The venue turned a bit dark spotlights focus in front. Krystal didn’t let go of your sweaty hand, even as the room turned bright again. You may have purposefully got more drunk than you planned after that, you’re so ed.

 

xxx

 

“I hate you.” Krystal mumbled close to your temple as she struggled to get you to stay upright. You were hardly aware of your surroundings and Krystal’s voice was the only thing you could focus on. You think she was trying to lock your seatbelt or suffocate you, you didn’t know for sure, but you were drunk and drowning in chanel 05, what a pathetic way to die.

 

 

A door closed. Another one opened and closed again, making your world spin worse. You closed your eyes.

 

 

The overhead light was , light piercing even through your close eyelids making the ache in your head pound harder. You can feel feather light touches on your forehead, or that was what you thought it was. Krystal was leaning in the center console to be closer to you, you knew she was even with your eyes close. It’s that damn chanel 05. She really just wanted to kill you, probably.

 

 

You think you heard stupid as the feather light touch traverse your nose slowly to your lips. It was probably a dream, you succumbed to sleep.

 

xxx

 

 

You woke up with a start. Opening your eyes made your head ache so you stopped trying after the third attempt. You weren’t in your room, you knew from the smell and the softness of the bed. Your apartment mostly smelt of paper and brewed coffee, and your bed was not really soft or comfortable. You tried opening your left eye again to assess how badly you messed up last night.

 

 

 

The ceiling was too high to be some dead-end motel at least. You sighed, trying to clear your aching head to think. You were with Krystal at that dumb Christmas event. Krystal.

 

 

 

Your eyes opened wide and you forced it to not close again. You turned your head surveying the room. The brown and white and green in the room gave it away before that creepy life-size portrait of an ancient city. It was Krystal’s room.

 

 

 

An arm moved to rest on your stomach, almost startling the hangover off of you. Your gaze traced the arm resting delicately on your stomach towards the face you weren’t sure you deserve to see early in the morning. Krystal looks like an angel when she sleeps, no matter how cringe-y that sounds. You weren’t sure how you end up on her bed or how she could still look attractive to your hangover self but it was suddenly easy to keep your eyes open. You were committing her face to memory. The slight crook of her aquiline nose made her perfect. Krystal was perfect and you wish you can have her but you would not do that to anyone, not even to boy wonder.

 

 

 

You smiled sadly at her sleeping face. “I’m enamored of you.” You said out loud, thoughtlessly, your eyes wandering away from her face.

 

 

 

“I know.”

 

 

 

You swallowed hard. . You almost fell off from the bed as you struggled to stand, to get away to breathe. You turned to Krystal to check if you weren’t hallucinating or having a bad dream. Soft, familiar eyes were staring back at you, observing you closely as you struggled, your stupid legs were entangled in the sheets.

 

 

 

“I think I am too.” That made you stop struggling with the stupid comforter. You frowned at her, brows furrowed. Then you were gapping at her, unattractively with your stupid bed head and stupid entangled limbs.

 

 

 

“We’re pathetic.” She added before getting off the bed gracefully, walking away from you like nothing happened.

 

 

Day 434

 

 

It was one of the most dreaded day for law students, the day when you were forced to view your grades to find out whether you got to go to the next level. If you were being honest you don’t really care that much about it. Sure you’ve fussed about that in your first year, but you’re not gonna do that anymore. It was easier that way. You’d be happy if you passed all the subjects but you wouldn’t lose sleep if you don’t.

 

 

It’s not like you were in a hurry graduating and taking the bar and all the jazz. You’d be intent in passing and trying again if you didn’t. You have more things to worry about like the mounting paperworks in the office. An angry client have just called you to get an update about her pending annulment case but you cannot give her any because her case wasn’t even filed yet and that’s bad. It took a lot of coaxing and sweet words for her not to pull out her case from the firm. It’s frustrating that you cannot get a hold of your boss.

 

An imessage popped up in your screen, you tapped it to read a message from Seulgi telling you to check your grades. You ignored it, and opened the office email instead. You had bills to send to client so that the law office can pay its expenses. You were just drafting an email to send the monthly retainer bill to a client when another imessage popped in your phone screen, your phone vibrating annoyingly on top of the printer. You ignored it, not bothering to check the message, rereading the email you were drafting instead. Your phone vibrated again, continuously this time so you sighed, moving your chair closer to where the printer was.

 

 

It was Krystal, she was calling and you stare at her caller ID accusingly before you pressed green.

 

 

 

“Amber.” Krystal’s voice was odd, like she was crying, so you stood up from your seat, reaching for your bag as you hurried to the corner table.

 

 

 

“Hey.” You answered cheerfully feigning disinterest.

 

 

“Amber.” She said again louder, but her voice was starting to shake. You took your keys from beside the office phone.

 

 

“Where are you?”

 

 

“In front of your apartment door, where are you?”

 

 

“Going there, don’t go anywhere.”

 

“…”

 

“Krystal?”

 

“…” you can hear the sobs she was trying muffle.

 

 

“Don’t end the call please.”

 

 

You didn’t know if she would listen, but you sprinted to the parking lot at the other building. You spent the drive home fidgeting in the driver’s seat, forcing yourself to focus as you listen to the muffled sobbing on the other line. You drove fast breaking the speed limit until you reached to cul de sac where your apartment was.

 

 

 

Krystal was seated on the curb, in what seemed to be her clothes from yesterday. She was resting her head on her knees, as she hug them close to her chest. She looked like a lost child and you almost trip hurrying to kneel down in front of her.

 

 

 

“Hey.” You pried the phone from her hand, ending the call. Her familiar eyes were b with tears and even if tears always makes you uncomfortable, you stayed kneeling in front of her, unsure, your heart breaking each moment you watch her struggle to keep the sobs at bay. She didn’t acknowledge you but her eyes focused on you.

 

 

 

You hastily wiped the wetness on her cheeks as gently as you could, trying to find a way to understand what’s wrong.

 

 

 

“Hello princess” You tried again, forcing a smile as she stared at you looking like someone cut her wings off and you bit your lip to stop yourself from saying anything else.

 

 

Krystal didn’t respond but she didn’t look away, she was observing you still breathing heavily. You let her do as she please, feeling your knees start to shake.

 

“Let’s get inside, okay?” You asked in a hushed tone worried that she will start sobbing again. She nodded and you reached for her hand to pull her to stand. She gripped it forcefully to the point of pain but you held on to her. She didn’t let go until you close the front door.

 

 

 

You were still unsure what to do, or what to say and you were just debating with yourself whether you should ask her sit on the couch or you should just pull her to the kitchen to give her a glass of water, anything. Thankfully, Krystal made the decision for you. Krystal run straight to the bathroom without a word and you followed her, not really understanding what’s going on. You waited by the door siting cross legs, worried out of your mind. You can hear the shower on, water hitting the tiles unforgivingly. Your ears strained to ear another sob or a cry for help there isn’t.

 

 

 

Your phone was vibrating in your pocket but you ignored it. The only person you really care about is in your bathroom taking an impromptu bath for whatever reason. If you would guess she was trying to hide the tears or the sound of it. You didn’t know for sure, it’s really hard to figure her out most of the time.

 

 

 

 

The two of you were in limbo, if you have to describe it. Nothing has change in a sense, she still comes and goes as she please, she would still ignore you half the time then spend the whole day with you when she feels like it. She never brought up the morning after the party again and acted like it didn’t happen. It was like a bad dream that you remembered clearly. There were times when you were really tempted to ask her but most of the time you can fight the urge.

 

 

 

 

The door opened and you looked up to Krystal walking towards you. You cursed out loud covering your eyes.

 

 

“You didn’t have towel in there.” Krystal said on her annoying monotone.

 

 

“You could have asked, gaddamit Krystal.” You hurriedly ed your shirt to put it on her panicking, eyes closed. She really had the nerve to giggle at you.

 

 

“Oh off .” You walked away from her to get a towel or anything to cover her other than your shirt.

 

 

 

You thought she would get back to the bathroom but she really followed you to your room. You have to close your eyes again when you turn to bring the towel to her. You were sure she was trying to kill you, so you hurriedly moved away from her, practically sprinting for the door. You left her there, making a beeline to the kitchen to drink and calm your nerves.

 

 

 

You were breathing heavily as you gulp the water from the tap, the tips of your ears warm. You wanted to strangle Krystal and kiss her at the same time, worry forgotten for a few heartbeats. Drinking water didn’t really do anything to calm your heavily beating heart so you opened your kitchen window to smoke the first marlboro you’ve lit that week. You watched the smoke dance in front of you distracted, thoughts travelling millions miles per second as you fought the images flashing back in your mind’s eye. Gahdammit Krystal.

 

 

 

You cursed in your head, already lighting another stick. You’ve smoked your lungs off, when Krystal finally decided to get out of your room. She was wearing your hoody and your sponge bob cotton shorts that were barely visible when sauntered to your well-loved fridge. Krystal took one of the yogurts she like to keep there before reaching for a spoon in one of the drawers. You find it ridiculous that she keeps food in your fridge but you stopped thinking too much about it weeks ago. There were more pressing matters at the moment.

 

 

 

Krystal was leaning on the fridge silently spooning the yogurt when you decided to talk to her. You moved away from the window to sit in one of the wooden stools near the her. You don’t know if you can ask why she was sobbing a while ago because she had the habit of ignoring you when you start asking important questions. You opt for an easier one.

 

 

 

“Do you want fettuccine alfredo?”

 

 

“uh huh.”

 

 

“Okay, do you wanna help making your fettuccine?”

 

 

“Sure.” Her voice still sounds hoarse but that’s progress so you smiled at her stealing a spoonful of yogurt before you move a few steps away from to get aprons from the corner drawer. Krystal was already gathering ingredients from your cupboards when you turned to give her the black apron. It’s maddening how she was acting like it was her apartment since she knows were everything was, and you can’t help but admire her in your small barely lit kitchen.

 

 

 

She raised her left eyebrow at you, when you didn’t move after a few more minutes of staring, probably feeling the heat of your gaze.

 

 

 

You pulled the floral apron over your head, to hide the reddening of your neck. You were smiling to yourself when you turned to her again. Krystal was arranging the ingredients over the counter, look of concentration in her face. You’ve always enjoyed the rare occasions when she would actually help you cook. The two of you always work well together, even in the kitchen. You’ve didn’t lie when you told her a few lifetimes ago that the two of you are in synch. The two of you moved seamlessly in the small space, it was like the two of you were practicing before.

 

 

 

There’s still sadness to her seeping to your bones even when she thought she distracted you enough by actually cooking with you. You know you should ask her about it later, but you let her be for the moment. She didn’t really know how to chop but you let her chop the onions unevenly, trying hard not to hover afraid that she would cut her fingers. You allowed her enough space to do what she wants only guiding her with that soft tone that makes you wince a bit, because you sounded too in love with her. She didn’t say much intent on humming or asking with hand gestures, intent on focusing at the task at hand instead of the things that she seemed still too hurt to share. Intent on making you heart stutter inconveniently in your chest and it was pathetic and you were in too deep and good god she was beautiful.

 

 

It was silly how she looked beautiful to you, with her wet hair in a messy bun and eyes puffy from crying. It was ridiculous because she wasn’t even trying but you knew from that moment forward, you will love her always, that you will stay in love with her for a very long time. She didn’t really tell you want happened that morning and your boss almost fired you if only he didn’t really need you.