Eunhyuk POV

"...when you love someone!  Love is a sick joke.  It twists your mind and makes you see what you want to see!"

I heard his ranting even from our room, which was farther down the hall.  His anger was powerful enough to break through to me and interrupt my deep thoughts.  Though Donghae's harsh words were not aimed at me, they still pierced through my heart.  Is that really what he thought?  Being his best friend, I thought I knew everything about him.  Seems like I was wrong.

"I don't give a anymore about love.  It's all a game.  Love is a game and all it does is cheat you out of everything you want, but can never have."

Please, please, please don't say that.  Give love a chance.  Give me a chance.

A door slammed and I heard Donghae stomp his way back down the hallway towards our room, where I currently resided.  I quickly rolled onto my side and shut my eyes, feigning sleep.  I didn't want to face a distraught Hae.  It would only make me anxious.

Hae.

I would give anything to call him that to his face.  His broken heart was a permanent barrier, however.  I didn't want him hurting, so I simply kept my distance.

It's not for his sake.  It's for yours.  You're just afraid you'll get rejected.  Pathetic.

I had to hand it to that voice in my head...it had a point.

I recounted all of the times I had wanted to just tell him, to confess to him how much he really meant to me.  And I remembered how all of those time, my resolve crumbled under the weight of reality; the reality that my feelings would go continually unrequited as long as Sungmin existed.

Donghae burst into the room, bringing with him an aura of complete hopelessness, anger, and resentment.  As much as I wanted to protect myself from Donghae and his grief, I knew I wouldn't be able to simply leave him alone. 

Sooner or later, I would end up comforting him; rubbing his shoulders, wiping his tears, telling him that everything would be okay, and that Sungmin would come to his senses eventually.  He wouldn't know that I would be lying through my teeth when I told him that I really hoped things worked out between the two of them.

I didn't want it to work out.  I wanted Donghae to forget about Sungmin and come to me.

"Hyukjae..."  My heart fluttered when I heard him say my name...my real name.  His voice was thick with tears, it was obvious, but the only thing that really registered in my mind was the way he said my name with such trust; such affection. 

If only you would say my name like that for another reason.

I turned and propped myself up on a second pillow, facing Donghae.

He looked awful.  His eyes were bloodshot and puffy, his cheeks were drenched in tears, and the look on his face made my heart want to break for the second time in one day.

"Yah, you're ruining your handsome face...don't cry anymore, please,"  I said, almost begging, trying to lighten the mood while also trying to show that I was genuinely concerned.

He didn't crack any hint of a smile.  In fact, it seemed like he was completely ignoring what I had just said.

"Eunhyuk," he said my stage name this time.  "What's happening to me?"  He looked down at his hands, seeing something only visible to him.

The weakness in his voice was so unlike his usual tone.  I didn't know what to do.

Should I comfort him?  Should I let him be?  I don't know what to do...

Sungmin would have known, said the voice in my head.  I shut my eyes in frustration, trying to block out all the pessimism that was invading my mind.  Sungmin would have known just what to do.

Well, I wasn't Sungmin.  Sungmin had chosen Kyuhyun.  Donghae just had to accept it, as much as it hurt his heart and, yes, his ego.

I had chosen Donghae for a reason.  He needed to know why.

"You're in pain," I whispered, making my voice as gently and soothing as possible.  "You've been in pain for too long, so you're falling apart.  Donghae, don't you think it would be best if you just...took a break?"

He didn't reply for a couple of seconds.

"What do you mean?"  His words shook, as though speaking sapped out the majority of the little energy he had left.

"I mean...I think you should take a break from...all of this.  Super Junior.  Every day, I see that you're hurting.  You need to heal in order to live your life.  Taking a break would improve the healing process."  I myself was unsure of what I really meant.  What was I trying to do?

I didn't want him to leave.  Quite the contrary.  I needed him by my side.

Donghae sighed.  "It's not that easy.  You don't get it.  I don't want to live this kind of life anymore."  His voice grew in volume by every syllable. "I'm sick of getting tossed aside.  I'm sick of knowing that I'm only second best to everyone."

That stung.  My chest swelled in defiance as I said, "Sungmin isn't everyone.  How about the rest of the members?  They don't put anyone second best.  How about me?  I'm your best friend.  I wouldn't be if I only put you second best."  I had to restrain myself from flinging the words at him.  He didn't need to become more aggravated than he already was.

"That doesn't count."

"What?"  How did that not count?

"You guys are my friends.  Sungmin was more than that.  Do you know how it feels to watch the one that you knew you loved walk away with another person?  Do you have any idea how much it hurts to know that you'll never be the one?"

"Actually, I do."  That caught Donghae by surprise.  I caught him staring curiously at me.

I sighed.

"I understand how you feel a whole hell of a lot better than anyone else.  Trust me."  I tried to make the words leave my mouth nonchalantly.  My attempt didn't deter Donghae's focus on what I had just said.

"Who?" he asked.

Squeezing my eyes shut tight, I brought my fingers up to my head and rubbed my temples.  This kid was so oblivious...

You.  It's you.  It always has been you.

What was keeping me from telling him the truth?

Donghae and my love for him caused me too much stress.  Every time I thought I'd be out of his grasp, he pulls me back in and forces me, compels me to love him even more.

I was tired of playing games.  The feelings I had for him would never be mutual.  Not as long as we lived in a sane world.

In the back of my mind, I knew I was insanely jealous.  I didn’t feel the need to deny it.  I had no wish to.  That didn’t change the fact that it hurt.

I wish there was a way to just numb all of my painful feelings. It would make life so much easier.

It was nice to dream.

I’ve been stuck in a dream ever since I realized my feelings for Donghae. 

What was I thinking?  All he did was look towards Sungmin.  It would never be me.

It was time for that dream to end, and I knew it.

If I continue this, my heart will just have a bigger hole in it than it already does.  I’m not such a saint that I’d let myself suffer to the point of suffocation.  This needs to end.

I wanted so much to forget the feelings I harbored towards him, but I couldn’t; more like I just didn’t have it within myself to try.  As painful as holding on would be, letting go would shake my confidence, my mind, my heart.  It was impossible to fathom.

What am I going to do?

I was falling apart.  And there was no one there to help piece myself back together.

In my mind, I had a path.  It was the path I had been on for the last 9 months.  Now, that path was crumbling, disintegrating into nothingness.  All his hard work and effort; all motivation for moving forward seemed nonexistent.

What’s wrong with me? What makes me think that Donghae is everything?

Realization jarred me.  Who was I to think that my one reason for existence, for moving forward, was Donghae?  How could I possibly think that Donghae mattered so much that it made me unable to function?

New determination filled my heart with stone and hardened my soul.  I would not let my feelings get in the way.  Matters of the heart were painful, but I would absolutely not let it prevent my ability to be a rational, significant part of Super Junior.

I’m not selfish.  I’m not pathetic.  I’m Lee Hyukjae, and I can get through this.

I clenched my fists, jaw set in a newfound declaration of determination.

Look out, Lee Donghae.  You will not stop me from doing what I have to do.  You will not suffocate my heart anymore.  I will not succumb to the grip you have on my world.  I will not let you control my every decision.

From now on, I'm in control.

And I would do everything within my power to keep it that way.

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A/N: Finally a chapter that is somewhat happy/positive (?) :D  I'm glad Hyuk is getting a hold of himself and taking control...I like this independent, confident Hyukkie :)

As always, please comment and subscribe! Silent readers, I need your support! It's what drives me forward and makes me want to write more!  LEt's see, 16 subscribers and 500 views?  They're kinda uneven, don't ya think?

Well anyway, thank you~~ I hope you enjoyed this chapter...let's wait and see what happens next! ^__^