Donghae POV (continued)

I realized, a little too late, that it was past twelve thirty.

That standing at the entrance to the room, a duffle bag on his shoulder, his eyes wide, gradually filling with tears and a shadow of hurt and dejection,  mouth gaping open in complete shock and disgust, forehead creased in growing confusion and anger...

was Eunhyuk.

**********

I felt myself try to exhale normally as I pushed roughly at the woman, who was still completely oblivious to the situation.  I felt like I had been caught in the act; I felt guilty.

But guilty of what?  Why guilt, of all the emotions I could possibly feel?  I didn't care what Eunhyuk thought of me.  All that really mattered was that he kept on loving me and allowing me to use him.  He was my ultimate distraction.  I couldn't even categorize him as a friend anymore.  People like me...they didn't have or deserve friends.  They were monsters, deserving of nothing that would prove to satisfy any of their desires.

Of course, monsters like me knew how to each and use people like Eunhyuk.  Using the innocent, manipulating the weak - it was built into our brains the moment we decided to become...heartless.

If I was really heartless, if I was really just an empty shell, void of any human feeling, why did my heart shudder at the expression on Eunhyuk's face?  Why did guilt seem to color and taint my every thought?

Because you're not as bad as you think you are.

The impossibility of that - of the fact that I wasn't actually a monster - made me cringe internally, though I had already known it from the beginning.

"What do you think you're doing in here?!" screeched the woman, who - after realizing Eunhyuk had invaded our "intimate" moment - had quickly covered herself with a stray blanket that had been lying across the bed.  "Get out!"

No, don't leave,  I wanted to say.  Let me explain.

Wordlessly, Eunhyuk left, dropping the duffel bag right at his feet and walking stiffly out of the room.  My eyes followed him out, focusing on his retreating figure just in time to see his fists clench as he turned the corner and disappeared from my line of sight.

I bolted up from the bed, with every intention of following him; of telling him to come back.

"Oppa, where are you going?" Her voice was whiny, like that of a little kid.  The sound of her thin, high-pitched pleading was enough to send me off the edge.  It made me want to puke.

"Get out of my room."  It took everything I had to keep my voice quiet and steady; to keep from shouting at her and blaming her, though I knew whose fault it really was.  I closed my eyes, convincing myself that punching her in the face was not the most rational solution.  The urge to wring her neck and spit in her face almost knocked me breathless, but I knew that she wasn't to blame.

At least you don't deny that it's your fault.

"Oppa, what-"

"Just leave.  Please."  My voice was shaking with the effort it required to keep my fist from flying.

A resounding slap filled the room as the palm of her hand connected with the side of my face.  It stung, making my eyes water, but didn't hurt as much as knowing that Eunhyuk was in pain now...because of me.  I didn't move an inch, or even blink, as she stalked out of the room, clutching the blanket to her body as she twitched away.  She was obviously offended by my sudden lack of interest in what we had been about to do.

I couldn't understand why I felt sorry for Eunhyuk; sorry that he had caught me in such a mortifying position with a girl I barely knew.  I wasn't supposed to be able to feel remorse.  I wasn't allowed to experience those human feelings, especially when I myself wasn't infinitesimally close to anyone's definition of the word "human."

My resistance - the hard, unbreakable shell that I had covered my entire being with - was starting to crumble.  Panic filled me, nearly forcing me to sprawl back down onto the bed in complete and utter resignation.  That shell, that resistance to my emotions; it had been the one thing that kept me from feeling the wrenching pain that attacked every nerve whenever I was reminded of Sungmin.

I mentally envisioned my shell falling apart, breaking into pieces that were far beyond repair.  I felt my resolve crumble.  I couldn't go on like this.  I couldn't become whatever it was that I was becoming.  I had to pull myself together.

I wiped away the wetness that had gathered around my eyes.  Despite the loss of my resistance, I still needed my distraction.  I still needed him to help me stand back up and regain my strength to be able to walk through life without breaking down and giving up; without becoming a manipulator of women; without abandoning the true meaning behind the existence of the one who called himself Lee Donghae.

This about-face was so unanticipated, my mind barely had time to comprehend the fact that I was once again vulnerable and susceptible to the pain of heartbreak.  I wanted to turn in on myself; leave the world in its frustrating pragmatism.  I had worked so hard to shelter my wounds from the harsh reality of life.  Now, with the appearance of my equally as broken counterpart, the human feelings that I had locked away seemed to flow once again throughout my body.

Perhaps if I hadn't experienced the pain of heartbreak...maybe then I would not be so apologetic towards Eunhyuk.  After all, up until now, I had only ever thought of him as a way to escape from my pain.  Now, it seemed as though we had that in common.  We needed each other to distract from the ever-increasing agony that threatened to permanently damage our hearts.

I launched myself out the door, searching for any hint of where Eunhyuk might have gone.  My breath came in inconsistent bursts of air.  I had to find him...before he became like me.

"Eunhyuk-ah!  Lee Hyukjae!  Hyukjae!"  My voice echoed, bouncing off the walls that enclosed the deserted motel.  I ran down every hall, yelling his name, praying silently that I would reach him before he lost himself along with any of his remaining rational thought.  I begged the heavens, asking them to spare me the guilt of watching Eunhyuk turn into what I hoped wasn't a cold, heartless creature.

I could almost picture Eunhyuk spiraling down into that pit of despair and pure, heart-wrenching sadness; empty, alone, shattered.

Sweating, panting, and just about ready to give up, I heard the sound of sobs; the sound of a breaking heart.

Dammit, Donghae.  It was enough for you to make yourself like this.  Why do you have to go and inflict your pain on people like Eunhyuk, who deserve it the least?  You're such a ing idiot.

The sobs that rang down the deserted hallways made my heart skip a beat. 

Eunhyuk...what have I done to you?

Slowly, I turned the corner, squinting, not wanting to see what I already knew was waiting for me.  The impact the guilt would have on me, the remorse that would choke me, the sadness that would flood my senses...I would do anything to avoid those feelings...of knowing that Eunhyuk's current state was completely my own fault.

His blonde head bent, shoulders shaking uncontrollably, Eunhyuk sat in a shadowed corner of the hallway, the echoes of his cries ringing in my ears.  He looked so helpless and fragile.

That's how you looked, Donghae.  He's in the exact same place as you, now.

Looking down at him, I felt more tears begin to form, but I held them back.  I didn't have any right to cry.  I had caused all of this.  It was because of me that Eunhyuk was in pain, tortured by that image of me in bed with a .  If Sungmin had stooped that low...

Without looking up, Eunhyuk's sobs became more restrained as he spoke.

"Why, Donghae?  Why are you doing this to me?"

The tears that I had been forcing back spilled over as Eunhyuk looked up, and I saw etched in every shadow of his face,  unadulterated agony.

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A/N: hahaha I bet you all were expecting Eunhyuk's pov, am i right? ;P NOPE! its all about donghae for a whole two straight chapters! i feel like this is just my way of redeeming myself for frustrating you all with the endless "what the is wrong with donghae" and "what is that thinking" questions. are your questions somewhat answered yet???

Well, I hope this wasn't too awful! please continue to subscribe and comment!<3I love you all!

Even though I lost a subscriber, I'm still motivated enough to continue this fic, so please show me ALL of your love!

Aforementioned, Key-umma (MY dongsaeng) and I are co-authoring a new fic called "The Society"! don't forget to check that out as well!

*hugs and kisses*