Kim Sujin, 3rd july 2011

I opened my eyes to a white room all alone. My first intinct was to check my baby bump. The doctors arrived and looked at me with a sorry face. « Your baby is facing heart distress. We're not sure you'll be able to give birth to that baby. »

I shook my head. « But you called and said he was developing just right. » I just didn't understood. Why call and say the baby was fine ? How did I arrive at the hospital first of all ? Were doctors so incompetents ? I started crying, not liking where this conversation is going.  and started to look for YongGuk.

They didn't answer me and I suddenly felt pain in my stomach. They pointed to my crotch and I realized the bleeding. The doctors rushed to me. I closed my eyes, pain invading me, barely breathing.

I sat and looked around. My bed. Our home. My husband looking at me with sick worried eyes.  « Sujin, Kim Sujin, it's a nightmare you had a nightmare it's over. I swear your nightmare is over. » He shouted to me. I started to sobb and he brought me closer to him.and  sobbing. I cried on his chest for long minutes. He my arms with his soft hands. «It's over, darling »

I pulled away to blow my nose and went to stand by the window to breath some fresh air. YongGuk came to my side. « Are you okay ? You were crying and protesting so much. »

« I was losing the b- » My voice cracked, I couldn't possibly end my sentence. YongGuk came closer to me and my arms. « It's okay. It's not true. Look at your baby bump. It's just a bad dream, nothing more than a nightmare. »

« What if it does happen ? Huh ?» I was becoming angry at him for no reason. How could he know , huh ? 

YongGuk applied his hands on my cheeks and for long seconds, tried to make me breath in sync with him. It was something I did to comfort Moonah and Taeyang and I even stopped one of his anxiety crisis this way. Except my dad, no one took the time to make me breath in sync with him. I stared at his eyes for a long moment and I suddenly realized he succeeded. My breathing became regular and YongGuk gave me a peck on the forehead.  «Come here we'll have some hot chocolate. »

*

Bang YongGuk

Sujin looked like a ghost. I made her wear my fluffy robe and took her hand to get downstairs. I thanked god our daughters didn't hear us, they would have been so shocked of their mother state. We got in the kitchen and she sat in front of me. She was pale, still shaky  despite my nightgown resting on her body and tears  drying on her cheeks. A real mess.

I tried so hard to wake her up when I understood she was having a nightmare. I never saw Sujin like this. She realized I was staring at her and wiped down her tears. I tried to stay smiley. This house could only have one ball of anxiety.  « Extra marmallow ? »  I asked, pinching her cheek.

She nodded and looked at me stir her cup. Once I gave her the hot chocolate cup, she looked better. We sipped on our late drink in silence. All of sudden, Sujin  and raised her shirt just enough to have a look at her stomach. « See, it's still there. Our pear-size baby is still there ! » I stated.

She nodded not really convinced. « It was just a bad dream. » I failed to reassure her.

She shook her head. « It's not exactly a dream. It's a memory. It's exactly what happened once at the hospital when I was expecting Moonah. »

« Oh Sujin. » I whispered softly. I was at loss of words to comfort her.She sipped on her hot chocolate looking exhausted. « Love is super scary. It's only been three months and I love this pear-size baby with all the cells of my body. It's crazy. It's the same with Moonah.»

«  Look at her right now. She's the strongest girl of eleven I know of !! Everything will be fine. I promise. » My eyes searched for hers and she sighed, avoiding my eyes.  « I have to believe it. »

I made her head rest on my shoulder. «I'll make sure you'll believe it. »

My wife put her arms around my waist and smiled. « Thanks for being there. I just- »

« I'm doing my spouse job. Nothing more, nothing less. »  I argued. It wasn't a exceptionnal job, right ?  Comforting each other and being here when the other needs a hug. She nodded, satisfied by my short answer and chuckles left suddenly my mouth. « Now I realize how Moonah took from you. The nighmares, the sobbs and even your love for hot chocolate. »

« Dad often tells me she's my pocket version, as a kid I needed that much of attention. » She suddenly chuckled. « I should have understood it was a dream easily. »

How could she say that ? She pinched my cheek. «You wasn't there. If it was reality I doubt you would let me alone in this situation. Am I right ? »

I was amazed at her logic and nodded. "Never ever." She gave me a cheeky smile before standing up; I looked at her get her cereal bowl and get some cereals to eat. She ate in silence for a while until her eyes landed on me. She handed me her spoon and I ate the few cereals she gave me. She smiled.

« You feel better right ? » I needed to make sure.

« Yeah, I can make it. I'm sorry, I'm sure it wasn't nice to be woke up because of me having a nightmare.»

I shook my head.  « Hana had low and highs during pregnancy. Days when she would spend all her money on baby things, on maternity care, do yoga all day but it never lasted. On other days, she wouldn't even stay in the same room or break everything in the house. »

« Oh Gukkie. » Sujin whispered softly. She knew I didn't talk easily about Hana.  I sighed and kept going. « When  she got post partum depression, I was really conciliant. So I took care of Taeyang, getting to know this little human I participated in creation. Hana she gave me the most precious gift a woman can give to a man but it wasn't willingly. She didn't feel love for me.»

« Why are you telling me all of that ? YongGuk I don't want you to think about this. » She said, getting me that worried look. I kissed her lips.

« I love you. »  I simply said. She instantly replied back. « Gukkie I love you. You know that. »

I twisted a strand of her hair. « Exactly. That's what is different between us. We support each other and love each other. That's why no matter what happens, we're going to be fine because we have each other. »

She nodded, pretty quietly and hugged me strongly. We both finished our drink and lied on the huge couch. We slept here, not minding the late hour or the fact we had a bedroom upstairs. Sujin had lifted her shirt- which I heavily  suspected was mine- to stare at her stomach. She was caressing it gently. I kissed her neck and her belly too. "Have good dreams Sujin."

"Okay, I'll try to dream of you then." I laughed at that lousy joke and kept my cool.

*

When Sujin woke up, she instantly went to throw up. This is the way I woke up in the morning, no morning alarm needed. I looked at my skinny wife rince , she lost weight instead of gaining some. How could she when she throw up everyday ? I started to worry for her. She inspected her dark circles and had a loud sigh. Was she doing fine ? Not really...

I must have been deep in thoughts because Sujin groaned. « Answer me. »

« Yeah ? »

«Are you excited to know the of the baby ? »

I blinked twice. She looked fine today. I tried to sound cheerful.  « Yes. It will make the baby even more real, right ? And you says we'll be finally allowed to buy stuff for that poor baby.»

She laughed. «Yeah ; and you can announce it. »

*

Kim Sujin, leaving the gynecologist room

We exited the room with big smiles on our face and the girls stood up, surely excited to know what was the of that baby. I had to wait for YongGuk to leave work that afternoon and waited in his office for a whole hour before he show up from trial. We picked up our girls from school and headed to the little clinic directly. The doctor received us, happy that his shift was almost over. As he gave us good news, we didn't stay long in his office.

« It's a girl, right ? Our little sister, unnies are here for you !!! » Moonah said touching my belly. A week ago they decided that the baby I was expecting was a girl ... on their own accord. I pursed my lips and Taeyang removed Moonah hands from my bump." Oh gosh. Boy alert. »

She left before even talking to us, dragging Moonah to the car. We followed them, our happiness overshadowed by this outburst of jealousy. I touched Taeyang shoulder as we were entering the car. « Are you that unhappy ? »

« Yes. All my friends that have little brothers hate it !! They always get all the family attention, get all the grandma and grandpa treats. We're going to be long forgotten for the male heir. »

I gasped. « Taeyang ; do you hear what you're saying ? It's a little bean for the moment, he is not stealing the attention of anyone ! »

« HE IS !! » She shouted to me before entering the car. She was definetely jealous. YongGuk entered the car and sighed looking at her in the rearview. 

« Moonah, Taeyang, I know it can be frightening. A baby means a lot of work and it will change our life. But my heart will only get bigger. Nothing will change on that side. Your mom and I still love you forth and back to  the sun and moon. »

« The same for me. Don't be jealous of a unborn child girls huh ? I love you you should be feel secure about that. » I tried to reassure her.

Taeyang didn't answer and we stayed silent in the ride. It would be better to speak about it at home with a fresh cup of lemonade.  I rested my hands on my belly and sighed loudly. Suddenly, I felt three pair of eyes on me. « What ? »

« Your sigh was … loud. You're okay ? » YongGuk said, squeezing my hand in a loving manner.

«Well, yeah. Unlike some ungrateful children, I'm glad that my baby is developing well and that nothing is wrong. »  I stated agressive. Taeyang was not the only one who can get angry.

I've dreamed of this life. Of having a baby with a trustful partner, with reliable financial sources and love. This jealousy was overboarded for me. The fact that once again my baby was source of bad feelings made me really sad. I cupped my baby bump and looked afar. YongGuk lifted my hair and put them on my left shoulder. I felt so sad and nauseous. « YongGuk stop the car. » I warned him. He executed himself, the traffic in our village not being dense anyways.

 I quickly exited the car and threw up on the side of the road

*

Bang YongGuk

I sighed at that view.  As if Sujin wasn't enough stressed yet. I gave a side look to Taeyang and left the car. I lead my wife to a rock she could sit on and found her bag. I wiped her face clean and helped her to rince before offering her some water.

« Let's go home now. » She whispered.

« You should stay here for a few minutes to get some fresh air. I'm going to talk to the girls. » I kissed her belly and went back in the car. They were eyeing their mom; shame invading them.

« Did she throw up because of us ? » Moonah asked, she was heavily influenced by Taeyang but would never had the heart to do such a scene of jealousy. This outburst of anger ... it reminded me of Hana. I hated when Taeyang reminded me of her, and that she had that damned personnality wasn't pleasant to discover.

I nodded. « Don't upset a pregnant woman. Unless you're looking for trouble. Emotions, bad emotions should mess up  the baby health.» Istarted with a frown. "And your mom health of course, she isn't doing very well already" I emphasized, making Taeyang lose her frown.

Taeyang and Moonah softened looking at their mom take a little walk on the road. It was an empty road, with fields on both sides of it and it was hot yet the huge tree provided some shadow . «Your  Mom have a little being in her belly and that means she is going to get some bad parts like vomiting, being more sensitive and stuff. Bearing a child is hard and requirs tons of energy. You're our precious daughters, that will not change, girls. So today it's the last day you made her angry okay ? »

« We're sorry dad. I overreacted. » Taeyang excused herself. I nodded with a smile. « It's okay you just have to behave okay ? »

Sujin came back in the car and we drove home silently. Taeyang grabbed her mom hand. « Mom we're sorry. I just got angry over nothing. »

My wife was exhausted yet took the time to hug Taeyang. "I'm your mom. And this means so much to me. How could you think I'll forget about you girls when I get my baby boy ? If there is one thing you should never doubt it's how I love you."  Taeyang fighted not to cry and ended up hugging her mom for long seconds.   Sujin pulled away first. he barely smiled. « Now I need to sleep, go and do your homework. » Taeyang nodded and climbed up the stairs.

Moonah looked at her mom for long seconds before smiling. "Mom Taeyang is a little bit jealous. Even at school. Don't mind her. She didn't think any of the words she said."

Sujin smiled. "I know. You should still go and cheer her up, huh ?"  We all got upstairs and while Moonah ran in her shared room with Taeyang while singing out loud, ready to entertain her sister. Sujin opened the door of our bedroom and I stopped her movement.  « Let wash up before. »

I dragged a whining Sujin in the bathroom and helped her to shower. As she stepped outside of the shower tub, I wrapped her in a huge fluffy towel and drier her hair. While I took my shower, I eyed Sujin. She was looking in the mirror, eyeing her baby bump. It was barely noticeable under clothes, but here in underwear it was obvious she was bearing a child. As  I exited the bathtub and wrapped myself in a towel, I came to caress her baby bump.« Hey little bean, stay healthy and if possible stop bothering your mom like that. She is so exhausted right now. »

« He's not a little bean anymore. » Sujin mumbled.

« And so ? What is he ? A peanut ? A rabbit poop ? »  I . She loved to find comparisons to explain how big the baby was.

« A small pear, I guess. » Not yet. A small smile was drawn on her face. I circled her waist and kissed the crook of her neck. « You're happy with the results ?» She looked at me confused and clapped in her hands. "I'm immensely happy. A mini yongguk !!"

I suddenly remembered of the thing I prepared for us.  « Wait for me in the bedroom. »

She obediently went in our bedroom while I climbed downstairs. I came back with a bottle  of non alcoholic sparkling wine and two glass.

Sujin was horrified. « Champagne ? You know I can't drink. You don't even drink.»

I laughed. What a reaction. «It's non- alcoholic, just like a sparkling juice. 0% alcohol in there !!! »

« Oh really ? Then we should all drink it. »  She said, taking the bottle in her hands.

I called over our daughters that still felt sorry about what they did. Moonah hugged her mom while Taeyang came and held her hands. « You feel better ? » She asked, still shy.

« Yes, we should celebrate the good news. So your dad bought sparkling apple juice. »  She explained. She patted the bed so Taeyang would sit next to her and kissed her cheek.

*

Kim  Sujin

YongGuk suddenly remembered of something and put back the bottle on our table. « I need to call my parents. »

He asked her to stop by our house. We waited for them in the living room, YongGuk excited to announce it. As he spotted their car getting in our road, he stood up and went closer to the door. As soon as my mother in law  knocked with her husband, my spouse opened the door and shouted.  « We're having a baby. » 

  His mom cried in his arms, hugging him strongly. « Oh my little boy, I'm so happy for you. You're an awesome dad, you know that ? »

YongGuk took time to comfort her and Moonah and Taeyang tried to.Moonah had trouble to understand why she was crying, she pulled on her grandma dress and smiled. « Grandma it's good news. »

The woman finally blowed her nose and took a deep breath, making YongGuk shake his head amused. « You're such a dramaqueen mom, dad just patted my shoulder ! »

I personally didn't expect less from my diva-mother in law.

« I'm just so happy. My sixth grandchild, this is so great. It's a little boy you told me ? Oh gosh I'm so excited, Sujin come here and have a hug !! » I felt all the love she was willing to give me though this hug. She eyed my belly and I chuckled. « Go ahead and touch it. »

As she rested her hand on it, she had a soft smile. « It's always sensational. To know you're going to be a grandmother. I cried every single time, including for Moonah, I couldn't handle how cute you were the first time I met you. »

It's true that she litteraly melted when she saw Moonah for the first time. She lifted the little girl in her arms and never put her back on the floor despite YongGuk begging her to rest her back.

Moonah jumped around hearing that and hugged her grandma. My father in law congratulated me politely yet I could sense vivid emotions from him too. We drank the sparkling juice all together and as I came in the kitchen to get some snacks, my father-in-law came in the kitchen. 

« I'd like to thanks you. » He blurted out of the blue. I blinked twice and as I looked confused, he shrugged. «Since he met you, he's so bright and now with this pregnancy he's beaming like the sun. It's been a decade I saw him like this. I feel like I found him back. »

«Oh, well you're welcome, your son have been so good to me. We support each other. » I gently explained to him.

« He does ? » His dad  asked, he didn't even consider what YongGuk was even before we met : an amazing man.

« I don't know how I deal with my worries without him. » I stared at my husband laugh with his mom and show off the ultrasound photo. Beaming like the sun, huh ? He was more beaming that the sun in this precise moment.

"I don't know how should I repay you for that miracle-" I stopped his sentence mid-way.

"You don't have to." I protested. Then, I thought about something and clapped in my hands. "Actually ..."

Hey Hey, here another chapter, I edited it really quickly so there's still errors here and there. Sorry for that.

Happy Valentine to you, whether you are in love or not !