Kim Sujin, september 2000, Premature unit. Sarang Public Hospital Busan

I clicked on the contact to get to call him. I called my ex ? my boyfriend ? At this point what is that person to me ? What is that person to my daughter ? I sighed loudly as once again no one answered. I called a second time.

« Hi. » A woman voice answered. I froze. « Hey why are you answering my phone babe ? » I heard his voice shouting out of surprise. I quickly ended the call and turned off my phone.

I felt tears b in my eyes. He should be here with me. Not ing around with the interns of his expedition on Indian Ocean. I  got to the bathroom. I looked so dull. Looking at the mirror, I got tired of the face I was seeing each morning. My long hair came to hide my face and I sighed. I was alone. So I had to ditch the crybaby in me. Seeing scissors I tied my hair before cutting before the tie. The ponytail fell on the floor and I smiled seeing my bob hair. It looked nice. I felt lighter. The door opened on a nurse. I smiled to her, as we became friends though my visits.

« You should donate them. Your hair is really long. So nice to do a wigg, I'll sned it to an organisaation. Let go and see our peanut today. »

I walked behind her and soon my heart fastened arriving to the room. «Moonah your mama is there. »The nurse said out loud.

I tried to smile looking at the tiny baby covered with oxygen masks and tube, well protected in a baby incubator. « You should hold her hand today. I know you're afraid but ... »

I slipped my hand in the incubator and traced her tiny fingers with my index. It felt magical. Her body was warm. She looked so delicate yet she grabbed my hand with a strengh I didn't expect. I looked at her hand around my little finger and giggled.

« Hi Moonah. »

*

Bang YongGuk October 2000, Kangaroo Unit Private Hoospital of Gangnam, Seoul

Today was the day both of them, my wife and my daughter were released from the hospital. I took my daughter in my hands with a smile. She was lively. Moving her arms as I put her in her stroller. I walked to her mom room and opened the door with a bright smile.

« Hey Love, I think we can go now. » My wife turned her head. She looked beautiful al always. She had changed into a simple coral dress, fitting to the spring season. She grabbed her branded bag and checked her lipstick once again. Coming to me, she looked with apprehension her little baby in my hands.

« Do you want to hold her ? » I asked in the elevator.

She looked at me with wide eyes. « YongGuk she was in my stomach for 9 months, I know you're craving to hold her. »

I smiled and kissed her cheek gently, before rocking gently in my arms my little daughter.

*

Kim Sujin November 2000, Shelter  for single moms, Busan

I was sleeping quietly, taking a nap, enjoying the peaceful sleep of my daughter to get some rest. My daughter was home now, after almost 3 months of hospital and repeated operations. She was still small yet now she was a real sunshine. I woke up to her crying and reached for her with a smile. As I rocked her in my hands, she looked softened. I brestfed her and she went back to sleeping.

I started to draw. Now my situation was not that good. I had to pay the hopistal. My family stopped to pay my room in Busan as I stopped university and I started to live in this refuge for single moms. This refuse was crappy. Really. I only had one room plus the bathroom. I could hear the other babies cry all the time. But I wasn't homeless. 

I was lucky that my classmate hired me as an illustrator, she was older than me and her edition house had become a huge deal here in Busan. So I started this part time job about drawing. I had to adjust colours, assisting in this kind of things. Doing that at home was convenient. I worked almost all day. My only breaks were when I had to take care of Moonah. I was having a cup of tea when my bell ringed. It must be Hani, the nurse from the hospital. She became a real mental support for me though those weeks. Not looking seeing me cry, she started to bagg me and ended up making me cry more at first. Her words resonated in me. I was a single mom. So I had to deal with it now. She helped me the best she could, with offering me diapers, milk, baby supplies. I would never be able to show her how grateful I am for that.

I opened the door and my face changed as I stared into those hazel eyes. Seo Kang Joon. We looked at each others. « Gosh Sujin, I found you. »

« Can I enter ? » He asked a feet already in. « No. » I said the  words leaving my mouth beore thinking.

« Sujin I had so much trouble finding you. Like I was gone for 6 months and you changed address. I thought you was supposed to give birth this week. » He said almost nagging me.

I scoffed. « I left you messages. It's been two months that I gave birth Joon. »

He pushed the door and entered my crappy flat with disgust. His eyes landed on her and he looked back at me. « Two months ? »

« She is prematurate. » I revealed. He nodded, uninterested. I sighed. I already lost his attention. He stayed silent for a while. He was'nt there. When they told me that maybe she wouldn't spend the night after I gave birth. When she didn't cry when she was born and was immediately moved to a different room. When I cried for nights. When I gave birth, 3 months before due.

His eyes found back his daughter and I suddenly couldn't bear it. « Go away. »

« Huh ? »

« You wasn't here for her. Just go, don't get involved with us. Your name is not on her birth register. You have this chance to run away. »

His eyes widned for a bit and he gulped, guilt obvious in his pupils. «  Sujin I know I wasn't there. »

« Yeah clearly. It gave a clear message. You can go and seduce all the chicks of the world. It's over between us. Legally she is fatherless and I would like reality to be this way too. »

He looked at me with trembling eyes. « Sujin I'm sorry. I know I messed up but I got afraid. All of this is so frighthening. »

My daughter started to cry and I rocked her in my arms, still facing him. «So just go take this opportunity and leave. »

He came to my side and I stiffened feeling his breath on my bare shoulder. He looked at our baby and bite lis lips. «Your daughter is beautiful. »

I stayed silent. He knew coming here that it was the last time we will see each other. His phone ringed and woke up Moonah. He quickly declined the call, but  it ringed again and he ended up turning the sound off. « Sujin, I have some money that I got from the intership. I'll give it to you for her. »

He pushed a enveloppe on the table and I bite my lips. I was short on money and refusing money in my situation was hard. « Go and pay her hospital bills with that money. It probably won't be enough, but I'll take care of the rest later. »

He nodded and took back his money. He stood up and looked at me a last time. Silence could be heard as I put Moonah back to sleep on my bed. I know he was considering the crappy room I was living in. I turned to him, annoyed by his pity and opened the door for him. He left without a word. Without asking to hold her. A photo of her. How she is. How was the birth. Her name.

I sighed. Anyways, now I was alone for real.

My eyes found my baby on my bed yawning and I  realized that I was wrong, I had an angel in my life now.

*

Bang Yong Guk, november 2000,  Flat In Cheomdamdong Seoul

I came back late this night. Our babysitter was here anyways. She was the one taking care of Taeyang most of the day when I started back to work this week. This night, she left as soon as I arrived, as I was late. I removed the necktie and ed some buttons. I walked in our house and felt already her absence. Looking at the hour,I realized she must be in the plane by now.

I changed myself and picking up my sweat in my closet, I looked at her side of the closet and realized for real what it meant. It was empty, not a single dress, vest, top or underwear was left. I got to the bathroom where she kept all her skincare and makeup and considered the clean and empty surface of her coiffeuse.She left for real. I banged my hand into the flat surface of her coiffeuse, anger in my body. All of this was a lie. From start to end.

As I walked to my room, I looked at the baby  peaceful features.She was sleeping on my bed, surrounded by pillows. Does she feel her mom absence ? Can she feel that  the one that gave her birth went away from her ? One day I will have to explain to her why her mom left. Why her mom ditched her husband and daughter.

But for now I had to take care of her. Become the best dad I could. Because she deserved the best. I held her in my arms and she looked at me giggling. I kissed her forehead and walked around. She didn't forget a thing. On my bed I found a letter and put my daughter on my lap.

« For all this mess. For all the pain. For all the anger. I'm sorry. » I read on a card. I looked at a shining thing inside the enveloppe and took it. I gulped seeing her wedding ring. I looked at mine and removed it. Now they rested in my hand. I took the huge bunch of papers left in the enveloppe, knowing very well what they were.  Divorce papers.

I looked at her signing and the papers only missed mine so the divorce would be effective. I looked at the photo of our wedding on the wall. Hana looked gorgeous. Her dress hugged her figure so well. Her pale skin was highlighted by the white colour of the dress. Her simple make up and hairstyle made her the most beautiful. I remember of how she walked the aisle looking this dazzling, how I was breathtaken. She always made fun of me for that face of mine. I took it and wanted to throw it out of the window. My life was crushed in two days. Instead of throwing it out of the window, I carefully put in in a drawer following the rings. I looked at my daughter sleeping on my bed and the divorce papers remaining in my hand.

« I'm sorry that our situation became like this. »

As I said those words to my daughter, I grabbed a pen, read carefully the conditions and signed the papers. I put it back in the brown enveloppe. Now it was over.

I came back to my daughter on my bed and lied facing her. I kissed her forehead and held her against my chest.

«I'll do my best, Taeyang. »