Jiyeon’s POV:

As I hit the comfort of my small and dingy but cosy home, I inhaled the lavender and minty scent that came from my candles.

Home is truly the best place to be.

Heading towards the fridge, I took out several ice cubes, placing them into a towel and started to rub the bruises on me, hoping that this will help with the swelling.

I exhaled a sigh, taking several deep breaths before feeling my legs turning numb while my hands stiffened and curled into a ball before uncontrollably sobbing.

I felt the rage, the anger, the hurt and pain seeping into every inch of my bones while my joy and the other happy peaceful emotions of any sort were escaping through my weeps. For the first time in awhile since my sister’s passing, and all I could feel was total numbness in my limbs and well, my heart.

My sobs turned into uncontrollable rage where I thrashed my entire apartment with the plates and pots strewn all around the ground lying there in broken pieces, a seemingly perfect reflection of me. I walked over to my bedroom, flinging myself to the bed and laid there, staring at the off white ceiling, tainted with yellowish patches, my mind in a complete blank and yet the tears wouldn’t stop, escaping through the corner of my eyes. It was ironic really, in a cold winter season where I was alone, truly alone without friends of any sort, the only warmth that I could feel was really through the tears flowing out of me.

I guess, it’s true when they say nobody else can provide you with the warmth that you fill yourself with.

The light coming in through the windowsill was fading with each minute that was passing and soon, I felt the darkness swallowing me whole, leaving me to be blanketed by it. And yet, tears still rolled down my eyes. How could I feel so alone and numb, and yet these damn tears just wont stop?

I got up, using my bruised and knuckled hands to dry my tears, before staring back at my damp pillow and my phone. I was curious to my phone as to wondering just how many people called me, if there were any at all. In silence, I left my phone sitting at my bedside table, willing myself to not check it at all, for I had no one to call and no one would call me anyways.

I had cut off Haneul for her own good whereas Hoseok and Taehyung had both cut me off. All I could think of is a simple word that translated into a question.

“Why?” I mumbled to myself, letting my small voice to be heard, a voice so tiny and weak and yet it managed to sound like a crash, echoing in my quiet apartment. I really couldn’t figure out where I had gone wrong. Was it when I started letting my guard down, or was it when I let myself start to get emotionally attached to these people? Where had I gone wrong, what did I do to deserve this? Was it when I felt jealousy surge from seeing Jisoo and Taehyung, or was it because I had neglected Haneul due to these problems?

3 soft knocks were pounded on my front door consequentially knocking me out of my thoughts. Afraid, I climbed and retreated back into the comfort of my blanket, not ready to face anyone who was here to see me. Well, I was more afraid that it wasn’t even a human being, but some ghost or police or anything. I know I was being silly at this point of time, but hey I just endured a beating, what do you expect me to do?

“Jiyeon.. I know you’re in there. Please open up, I tried calling you. We all did. But you didn’t pick up any of our calls, please let me in” Hoseok mumbled in such a small broken voice that I wouldn’t have heard him if not for the silence of the night. If he had came a few days earlier, or even yesterday right before the beatings happened, I’d have opened up in a heartbeat. But alas, he had to come now, of all times. Which only proved that he was pitying me, that he sympathized me and for whatever reason he came here, it was only going to be as selfish as the reason why he cut me off his life, wasn’t it? Coming here, was to make himself feel better wasn’t it? To seek forgiveness, to try and help me so he could stop feeling any guilt, right?

I hated myself for having such awful thoughts about Hoseok, especially when everything he did for me in the past was rather selfless since I never asked for his help. I should know him better, that he was here to do good and to help me. But at this point in time, I could only cast doubt onto everything and everyone, without even meaning to do so.

“Jiyeon, please open the door and let me in. I need to at least see you and make sure you’re okay. I have so many things to tell you, so many things to apologise for, things to make right to, please don’t shut me out”. Hoseok’s voice had reached a new breaking point, it was thoroughly broken, fragile and filled with sadness and pain. As much as I wanted to help him, to take the step and reciprocate his efforts that he used to find me, I just couldn’t. I was broken, fragile with 101 different emotions flowing through me right now and I just couldn’t help him, nor face him.

“I don’t even know if you’re in there or not.  But I’d like to tell you some things, and as much as I didn’t want to do this by talking through a stupid door, I don’t think it can wait any longer.” Curiously, I peeked my head out of my bed, trying to inch myself just a little closer to Hoseok, wanting to hear what he was about to say.

“There are some things you should know. About why I avoided you, although after hearing it, you might hate me or if you already hate me for appearing too late today to save you, you might hate me more” Hearing Hoseok’s statement only served to pump more curiosity into me, and I silently got up, shuffling my feet to the door, trying to get a clearer audible voice of what he was about to say.

“I like you. I really do. I liked you since the day I saw you at the convenience store, I liked you since the day we ate bulgogi stew together, and it pained me everytime I saw you upset about Taehyung, I tried so badly to heal you, to help you even though I might had been a little selfish, hoping that one day you will fall for me too.”

Hoseok’s silent and seemingly one sided confession shocked me to my core. I had never thought that he saw me like that and although I wasn’t turned off or anything by his confession, warmth radiated through me once again. It was amazing how Hoseok never failed to share just a fraction of his warmth with me, how he never failed to make any bad day just slightly better. But what was I to do now, after all, the questions remain, do I like him back the same way? Do I like him back like how I like Taehyung?

I reached out my hand to the door knob, wanting to open it up to Hoseok, to not have him talk to the door like a fool, but my hand just froze there, never turning open the door knob when I heard his next sentence.

“I cut you off because I knew how much you like Taehyung and how I can never replace him, that he was always going to be the one on your mind. I cut you off because I told him, that I was going to step aside so he can court you, so the two of you could be together. And finally, to save myself from the pain whenever your eyes lit up when you’re talking about him.” My hand was placed on the freezing door knob, unsure what to do with Hoseok’s silent confession of the night to me.

Did I really like Taehyung so much so that Hoseok could tell and be hurt by it? Is this where I had gone wrong, by not even knowing my own feelings? That I’ve hurt everyone with my feelings?

“But now, I’ve learnt my mistake. Regardless, I could have told you that properly or at least, not try to decide our friendship in a one sided manner for you. If you could just let me back into your life, I promise, to be better.” My heart hurt at what Hoseok said. Despite everything, despite pushing everyone away, I desperately wanted someone to be there for me still, even if it may not be the best thing to do.

“Most importantly, I’ve learnt that not having you by my side even as a friend was more painful than cutting you out for good. I’d rather watch you be happy and be happy from that, than to watch you hit rock bottom and not even being by your side at all. That pain and hurt from cutting you out definitely hurts even more so than watching you be happy with someone else. So please, trust me again.”

Just as I was about to open the door, I heard more shuffling through the door and peeped through the peekhole only to realize that Taehyung was right outside my door now too. The two of them looked like crestfallen puppies, a look thought only provoked my thoughts.

I thought the two of them had got what they had wanted, one could ignore me and be free from all the hurt I was causing whereas the other could finally not be entangled with me and be happy with the supposedly love of his life.

As I continued peeping through the peekhole, I watched Hoseok gave Taehyung a pat on his back with a knowing look, before walking away from my apartment. Wanting nothing to do with Taehyung, I turned away, wanting to head for the bed and to shield myself from whatever he was about to say.

“Jiyeon.. are you there?” His words hung in the air leaving behind a trail of awkward tension. But yet, my feet were rooted to the ground, refusing to turn away from what Taehyung had to say.

“Well, I’m just gonna assume that you’re here since Hoseok was apparently speaking through your door too.. Words cant express just how wrong I was, for all the hurt that I have thrown to you, for all the ty and ed up things that I’ve done to you. But you know how wrong I was?” My heart skipped a beat just hearing his deep voice tingle through my ears admitting his fault. It was a wonder really, how did Taehyung inject these feelings into me even though I was ready to giveup, move on and to forget him.

But I couldn’t, I was just there wanting to be close to him, to listen to what he he had to say and at the same time, I was hoping, hoping that whatever he said would be of reason to forget him, of reason for me to stop hoping that I’d be the one that he liked.

Instead, his next statement only added to my confusion.

“I was wrong