Taehyung’s POV:

That two days spent with Jiyeon were perhaps one of the best memory I’ve ever experienced throughout the numerous winters I’ve had.
 

Everything felt so normal and serene. The games we played, the late night talk we had, the grocery shopping and cart pushing. She made me feel safe and happy, like any normal teenager.

It was at this point that I realized, I truly needed her.
For exactly what use, I still don’t know but I do know I needed her if I wanted to remain this way and I couldn’t let her slip through me.

She’s probably the best shot I have at being normal.

The next day, she wasn’t around at school and I had no idea why.
Yet for some reason, I felt my heartstrings being tugged. Like the world seemed gloomier and the sparkling white snow turned into nothing but a dull grey.

Perhaps I’m having a relapse.

Resisting the urge to take out my phone and send her a text asking after her, I went off to join BTS, Jisoo and Haneul for lunch. After all, with Jisoo around I’d definitely be happy.

Jisoo - the girl I have feelings for will definitely make me feel better, right?

Lunch went by pretty slow and I have absolutely no idea why time seemed to flow so slowly today. Every passing minute felt like an hour, although it was rather entertaining to see the interactions between Yoongi and Haneul.

Haneul was squishing Yoongi’s cheeks together and calling him “Yoongi Bear” and feeding him some of her lunch, while he kept flashing her his gummy smile. It was surprising really that Haneul was able to melt off Yoongi’s shy and cold exterior, how she even managed to get past that stage without being intimidated was a mystery.

“Taetae, do you want some of my Kimbap?” I felt a gentle tap at my shoulder and I turned around to see Jisoo looking at me with a gentle shy gaze, that got my heart fluttering. So of course, I said yes.

How was I to know what it’d look like in front of our friends?

Throughout lunch, Jisoo showered me with an abundance of attention. Skinship, jokes, playful banters and careless flirting were thrown between us and I had to admit. It felt a lot like old times.

The times where Jisoo and I both had feelings for each other, the times where we were officially dating. Everything felt the same, but somewhere it felt like something changed.

Was it the fact that I told her my secret or was something else the cause of it?

All the time Jisoo and I interacted, I could always feel a pair of eyes watching the two of us as if disapproving of our acts. I was pretty certain it was Haneul since Hoseok was busy entertaining himself disturbing Jimin and Jungkook, but I brushed it off. After all, everyone knew I still had feelings for Jisoo, so why are they acting as if it’s a wrong thing for us to be flirting around?

The rest of the day flew by pretty quickly since well, I never payed much attention in class along with the rest of BTS. As a matter of fact, we’ve been texting each other in class, discussing about where to go after school for our usual graffiti fix.

Except this time, Hoseok rejected us saying he had somewhere to go with Haneul after school.  I thought it was pretty weird since Hoseok almost never turns down any outing with us, but I figured it had to be something pretty important for him to ditch us.

As the day got darker, my mood too got progressively darker. Today wasn’t good, it felt as if I’m slowly devolving when really I thought I was getting better and yet that big void in my heart was slowly opening up again, consuming me whole.

I too ditched the guys and decided to head home, all I wanted to do was to mope in bed and probably wallow in my self pity. And yet for some reason, my feet wouldn’t take me home. It took me to the store, buying myself a couple of spray paint before heading off to no particular destination.

And yet, a destination flew through my mind.

The Han River where she brought me to. Would the location itself be able to take my troubles away? Would that night be as beautiful as today? Right when I was about to settle for going there, a voice piped up in the back of my head.

Why am I thinking about her?

Turning my direction around, I ultimately decide to head home.
Walking on the streets and feeling the icy wind hit my face, I got reminded of yet another memory with her.
That day where we went grocery shopping and got caught in the rain, I let out a small smile while reminiscing how we ran all the way back in the winter’s rain and yet she managed to look so effortlessly beautiful still. How she made me clutch my heart because I was worried she’d get sick even though I was the one who fell sick anyways.

Lost in my thoughts, I decided to take a good look at my surroundings for once. The streets were bustling with people, there were students that seemed happy while shopping, couples that were holding hands or normal people taking their outfit photos. The streets were filled with life and yet here I am ironically standing on it, voided of life.

I continued walking down the streets while feeling the emptiness creep through me, spreading itself into every inch of me. Then I came to a stop.
My hands by now were spreaded out, holding the can of spray paint and started working its magic.

Right there. That location probably helped brought us closer together.
I inched myself step by step closer to that alley.
That very alley she found me getting trashed by some other guys after a drink too many, that very alley where she saved me and I hugged her, transferring some of my anguish and misery onto her. That alley where she picked me up and I followed her to her apartment holding her to sleep that night.

Just as I finished my thoughts, my hands came to a stop.
I stood there admiring my own work, only to realize what I’ve done.
A graffiti of her tear stricken face while she was holding me, sobbing along with me.

Out of all the memories I had with her that night, perhaps the pained glistening tears of hers stood out to me most. Marking the graffiti with a date, I turned my heels and ran away before I got caught.

The emptiness within me seemed to have faded and were now filled with thoughts of her.

Even when she’s not here, I’m still using her. How despicable of me, to use her to get over myself.

When I got home, I felt as if my energy was now completely drained and I felt sluggish.
I didn’t have any appetite for dinner and yet I still craved company, I called Jisoo asking for her to come over to keep me accompany and maybe bring some dinner over even though I didn’t feel like it.

And when she came over though, the emptiness didn’t leave. Even while cuddling and watching movies, all I felt was a big gaping hole in my heart, one that needed to be filled.

“Hey, I think Hoseok has something for Jiyeon!” I looked up at her puzzedly. How did she know?

“Why do you say that?” I retorted. Well, it’s not like Jiyeon would feel something for Hoseok, right? Not that Hoseok was unattractive, but I was pretty sure Jiyeon has a crush on me.

Except, her crush for me could be crushed, right?

“Oh, didn’t you know? Haneul told Yoongi that she and Hoseok were going to go over to Jiyeon’s place to check on her since she didn’t reply to any of their texts and practically went MIA.”

I simply nodded, trying to block out any thoughts of the two of them being together.
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