Taehyung’s POV:
I spent the entire fall convincing my parents to move back to Daegu.

Reason being?

I have two siblings who are growing up really quickly and they needed my parents there with them, now more so than ever.

It didn’t seem fair that my siblings had to suffer along with me, that my parents had to choose which child needed more care and neglect the others. I was making everyone's life harder than it already was. I figured since I've already received that much amount of love, I couldn't mess this up anymore and I had to let my siblings receive that too.

I convinced them that they needed to let me grow, and to get through this by myself. I convinced them that they had to trust me with this condition and that I'll recover, that I'll be alright.

So why am I not happy? Why do I feel so empty, so lost? Why does this apartment feel so hostile, so cold..?

I looked out of my window, the first day of snow has come.

For many others, the first day of snow's something beautiful, magical even.

But to me, the first day of snow represents something else.

It symbolised a start. A terrible start.

Suffocating, choking.
 

My phone started blowing up with calls. Perhaps an outpour of sympathy and concern on this day every year was exactly why a heavy weight started crushing me down, pinning me down so hard I couldn't breathe.

A weight so heavy, and I couldn't do anything to move it away. A lump was formed in my throat, and my mouth ran dry.

Help. Loser. Loner.
 

I looked around my apartment for help, but no one's there. Even if there was someone, no one could have helped. No one knew or understood how I felt. No one.

One kick.
The table flipped.

Two kicks.
My mirror crashed.

Three kicks.
I fell.

My phone was still ringing.

I struggled to get up while the weight was still crushing me down.

The calls stopped.

In an attempt to dispel this crushing feeling, this frustration, I reached out and grabbed anything, and everything I could. Throwing and flinging it upon the walls. Pieces of broken porcelein laid upon the floor. They look so crushed, so sharp, so broken. Just like me.

They represented how I felt, they were a representation of me.

Maybe if I ran hard enough, I could run away it all and escape. Be free and happy.

And ran I did. I left my apartment all trashed and broken up, I ran out into the streets and I continued running. The tears on my face glistened under the winter sun, but I continued running.

I had no idea where I was going. The world seemed so big but I didn't fit in anywhere, I don't belong anywhere.

Where can I go? Find the other members, maybe? But they'd only get worried, tell my parents that I need help, and what, tear apart my family once more? Nothing helped, it only made me feel more like a loser, more like trash.

No one understood, no one could help.

Even though the other boys, my family and even Jisoo knew what's wrong with me, they could never find ways to help me. I knew, I understood and even so, I was helpless against myself.

The panging dull ache in my heart would never cease.

It was 2pm, yet the skies were clouded and dark. Just like me. I headed off to an afternoon bar and sat myself down.

Alcohol's the solution to every damn thing in the world.
 

One bottle of Soju down.
My tears stopped.

Two bottles of Soju down.
I felt numb.

Three bottles of Soju down.
The crushing weight was gone.

A few more bottles after, I felt better.

Energy was building up within me, I felt light weighted, light headed. It felt like a new kind of adrenaline rush was running through me.

I felt high. Like I was going through euphoria.

So why did it feel like the panging dull ache in my heart never went away? It's as if all the frustration, desperation, negativity were only pushed further down within me, only to rear its ugly head later in the day.

But let's deal with it, when it erupts.
 

Time to go home and heal.

I bumped into a guy accompanied by two others while I was leaving and they demanded for an apology. I smirked.
 

Maybe getting beaten up would help to burn all this built up energy within me and take this hurt away. Maybe physical pain's better than me