Everything was a nightmare. Mama. It can't happen to her. Why now at such critical moment? I have already released the most beautiful choreography. I can't remember what happened but when the music ended I found myself panting. The spotlight went out and the crowd stood up with a tremendous round of applause. So this is how Mama must have felt after her performance. The feeling was overwhelming. Every energy from my body was released through my fingers. Never have I thought about the reality. The focus was all on me as if I was in a zen for hours. I let my heart move my body. All the pain and sadness was used in my performance. The feeling was evil but it felt so good. Mama must be proud of me even though she can’t watch it. She will never see it. That thought just struck me. I took a quick bow before I left the stage.

Host: Ladies and gentlemen. That was performer number 7, Jung Hoseok. Alright! Next up we have performer number 8, Park Jimin.

I can’t stay in the competition for long. Mama needs me. I changed out from my costume to a grey tee and black ripped jeans. I watched the boy, who went after me, performed. His moves were beautiful like a swan. They are sharp but smooth. The moves were so familiar. The boy himself seems like someone that I met before. He ended his performance with a sharp turn. Oh my goodness. His dance was just like Mama’s!

Flashbacks played through my mind as I remembered Mama was sketching her dance routine. Park Jimin? Of Course! He was Mama’s student! I was green with envy. Looks like I am not the only one that Mama would be proud of. Hmph! I left the event without anyone’s notice. Why do I care? I doubt I would even get into The International Starlight Academy. What’s the point of me staying when I know that Mama’s dance was already used by someone else? I bet that Park Jimin boy would be the happiest when he finds out he had already won.

J-Hope: Mama… I am here… I came back from the dance competition.

It happened so suddenly. At first it was ok but Mama felt weak suddenly after she was sent to the ambulance. We suspected to be anaemia since Mama had low blood count. However, she kept complaining about a strong headache after the blood transfusion. She was sent for a MRI check-up and that was when everything turned upside down.

Doctor: Your mother has tumour in the brain. It is dangerous and we need to an operation as soon as possible. You can see clearly here on the MRI.

He repeated to me one more time as if I didn't listen to him at first. I don't know how to react to his explanation. I can only show a disappointed expression. I just didn't want to believe the truth. I regretted asking for the doctor persistently to discuss about Mama’s health. I just wanted to be aware instead of having false hope.

JHope: Will my mother be alright after that?

Doctor: I can only say that it will be a 50% chance that the procedure will be smooth. Even if she did survive, there might be a lot of complication and also your way of living will change. However, this will be up to your mother if she decides to proceed for the operation?

JHope: *sigh* Umm… Thank you doctor for explaining to me. I will discuss this matter with my mother.

That whole bizarre explanation about Mama’s condition got me off guard. My mind became empty since I have no clue what to do next. My concern for my mother’s health grows more than my dance competition. I do want her to get well but at the same time I would like to fulfil my dream. I can’t put my mind from the other 50 %, whereby Mama will not make it through. I put on a reassuring smile as I walked into Mama’s room.

Hana: Hi, darling. Is everything alright? You don't look too good.

JHope: Umm… I am ok Mama. How about you?

My voice revealed my true feelings.

Hana: You heard about the condition didn't you? The nurses told me how persistent you were asking for the doctor. You didn't have to. I can always tell you.

JHope: ….

Hana: I don't blame you for not trusting me.

JHope: No. I didn't mean it that way. I’m just… worried Mama…

There I go crying like a big baby. I didn't want to lose her because of some stupid tumour.

Hana: Come here my darling. It's ok. I will be fine. You know I am the Black Swan. She is fierce and strong. Nothing can get in her way.

JHope: I miss the old times Mama especially in D’Cirque. Can we just go back? I don't care about the competition. Let's forget about the school.

Hana: No. You can't just give up. You have been practising for many weeks now. I don't want to back out from the competition because of me.

She held my head to her face. She stared at me with those motherly eyes of her as she seems more concerned about me instead.

Hana: Darling, I never raised you to be a quitter. As a mother, my duty is to give you as much care and hope so that you will never face the same difficulty as I had. Let me tell you something about my own mother. She never once showed me any love to me. Whenever I was hurt, she told me that I was purposely trying to get attention. She never gave a chance for me to speak out. I was always the outsider in my school.

I could see that Mama was in verge of tears as talks about the hardships with her own mother. My grandmother that I have never met. I was afraid to ask Mama about her own family. Now I can see why she hardly talk about my real family and also my father. Sometimes I wonder what my father really looked like. How he treated my mother? What does he see in her?

Hana: Nobody wants to be my friend. I was depressed since I couldn’t express myself. Then, I found dancing. The tempo and the beat of the music helped me to move my body. I just use my feelings as an energy to create the perfect dance piece. Darling, I don’t care if you make it into the school or not, as long you did your very best. In my eyes, you are a winner.

I practiced my dance very hard while remembering Mama’s words. We decided to go for the operation and it was scheduled on the same day as the competition. It was unfortunate that Mama won’t be able to see my performance. Nevertheless, I walking into the battle on my own. Thankfully it ended well and so does Mama’s operation.

Seeing her in the ICU room broke my heart. I held her hand tightly while studying her face. She looks so peaceful than ever like Sleeping Beauty with the non-rebreather mask. Her orange hair is no more as they had to shave it away and now she is seen with a dented head. Not only that, she was attached on a telemetry which helps to monitor her vitals and also the tracheostomy. I guess there was some trauma. I didn’t want to ask the doctor for an explanation. I am too tired to be bother anyone or anything right now. I just want Mama to wake up right now.

I felt a tap on my shoulder and I rubbed my eyes. I must have slept. I looked up and saw a familiar face.

Granny: I am sorry to wake you up Hoseok.

JHope: Madam Soomin *stood up immediately* Please have a seat.

Granny: Thank you dear. Oh Hana… I hope she wake up soon.

JHope: Me too. Madam Soomin, are you alright? You don’t look well.

Granny: There is something happen back at home. My grandson, in fact. I don’t want to talk about it. I came here because I heard your mother’s condition and wanted to know how she is doing.

JHope: I see. I guess I will be going home now. I will leave both of you here.

< At Home…>

The house has been so lonely these few days. It has been so quiet. None of the pest even came by to say hi. It is just me and the four walls. I felt a throbbing in my head and my body was aching. It was already half past 12 in the night. It has been a long day. I must wash up. I changed into a lighter clothes and look at myself in the mirror.

I looked horrible. My skin condition is no good. I really need a rest right now. My head starts to hurt a bit. Perhaps I am just going to take some paracetamol to ease the pain. Never have I felt to gloomy before. Ok Hoseok. It is time for you to sleep. No need to worry anymore.

I woke up with a home telephone ringing. It’s 5am in the morning. Who would be calling at this timing?! I am so annoyed. The thumping in head is still going on. I cover head with my pillow in hopes that the phone would stop ringing. However, it goes on for the next 10 minutes. That’s it my mood is all ruined!

JHope: HELLO! Can’t you tell what…

?: Is this is the son of Miss Jung Hana? I am calling from the hospital.

JHope: ...Yes…

?: Mr Jung, I am sorry to say this but there has been emergency regarding your mother. Unfortunately, she has passed on. Is it alright if you come by as soon as possible?

JHope: yes... Sir...

I hung up the phone. An invisible wind pushed me and I grabbed hold of the wall to support my weak legs. Mama… how is this possible… I found myself breathing harder. My head hurt again. I rushed to the medicine cabinet. I poured out as much pills to my mouth. Mama… it must be nightmare… No! I must go to the hospital to see it for myself.

I put on my long coat and got out the house. I walked to the streets. It’s too early. No cabs were around and the schedule for the first bus is still an hour time. I need to go but I have no choice but to walk to the hospital.

The sun has rose up. The early-risers are on their way to their typical schedules. It is a world of human robots as I am still walking to the hospital. I am almost there. I just need to cross the over the bridge. The sun is shining brightly on me. I am getting weaker and weaker. I have no energy left. My thoughts were on Mama. She can’t be gone. It must be the medication that I am took. I might be hallucinating but I must see her today. She must be alive. She is the Black Swan. The Black Swan never dies…

I am starting to lose control my legs. I getting fatigue right now. My legs are not helping me at all. I am slowing down. Not now… I am almost there. My vision started to get blurry. I am all deaf to my surrounding except for my heavy breathing. Mama… I am coming… Wait for me… Don’t go…

*************************************

Hana: Hoseok… Come here darling. Take my hand.

JHope: Mama…

Hana: You are a big boy now. I am so proud of you. What you did for the dance competition was beautiful! I am tearing up as I see you dance. You are the best. I love you…

JHope: Mama… Where are you going? Mama…

*********************************

JHope: MAMA!!!

I jumped up from where I was sleeping. I was surrounded by big white 4 walls. I must have been carried to the rehab centre. No I can’t be here. I must go to Mama. She is in the hospital. The call! No! She must not be dead! I ran to the metal door.

JHope: Hello! Let me out of here! This must be a mistake! I need to go the hospital! My mother! She needs me!

?: Testing… 1… 2... 3… Hello? Hoseok? Can you hear me? It’s me, Mr Amos.

I turned to the speaker that was attached to the corner of the ceiling.

JHope: Mr Amos! Please let me out of here! She’s…

Uncle Amos: Hoseok. I can’t let you out even if I wanted to. You were under narcolepsy when you feel at the highway bridge. Not only that, you were overdosed with paracetamol.

JHope: My mother…

Uncle Amos: I am sorry Hoseok… She has passed on…

JHope: No! No! *sobs* You must be lying! That’s not true! *crying*

Of all the billions of people in the whole wide world. Why does it have to be my mother?! She never did anything wrong to deserve this. I have never so frustrated in my life. At least let me see her. I rushed to the wall and tried to break out of here. I must go to her. She needs me… I NEED HER! ARGH!

It was about another 2 hours since I passed out again. I sat up in the corner of the room while having my head down on the floor. The metal door opened and there came in Mr Amos. This time he was dressed up in doctor’s coat. He looked so different that made me think twice if he is really my teacher.

Uncle Amos: Hoseok… I am sorry for your loss.

JHope:... whatever…

Uncle Amos: Here, have some chocolate.

I took the chocolate and munch it down as I was feeling so hungry. Mr Amos sat beside me and took another bite of his chocolate.

Uncle Amos: The nurses on duty. They told me everything since your mother appointed me your guardian. In fact, she appointed me and the headmaster of D’Cirque. The nurses were sponging your mother and that’s when they realised something was wrong. Her body temperature went up 38.5 degrees Celsius and her heart rate was 188. They took manual vital signs and realised she had no pulse. That’s when Code Blue started. They did what they can but it was no use. It has been 2 hours. The medical team wanted to revive her so badly because of you. Your mother never stops talking about you. Everyone felt so bad about it.

Uncle Amos: The day before she went for the operation, she told me to take you in if anything happens. However, it was up to your decision. I can see why she appointed the headmaster too. Here is my request and you have to listen up to what I can provide you.

I was all ears. I wonder what this man has under his sleeves.

Uncle Amos: There is a town far away from here. It is relatively new so that expect anything much. However, you can rebuild your life again and discover who you really are. You will go to school like normal kids do. I can provide you the basic needs. I can say that the town it is place for retreating. You won’t be alone because there will be more kids like you who share the same fate. Anyway, the funeral is tomorrow. Everything has been prepared. Make sure you are ready. The D’Cirque will be coming too.

My mother was dressed nicely in a white lace gown. They put makeup on her face which makes her cheeks rosy. They finished it off with a flower crown on her head. True to Mr Amos’s words, the whole D’Cirque crew came to the funeral. Madam Soomin and her family attended as well. There was a lot of crying. Many came to me and greeted me. The performers were all dressed in formal black outfit unlike their colourful costumes on stage. One by one, everyone recites their written eulogy. It was really the saddest moment of our lives. Then. it was my turn. I stood next to Mama’s open coffin. I looked at her. Mama this is for you.

Jung Hana, Mama…

Throughout my whole life, I have been looking up to you. I wonder where do you get those sharp dance moves and what makes you received the audience’s attention? Standing backstage as I watch you dance, I wanted be just like you. However, Mama, you never tell me your secrets. My ultimate dream was to perform on stage with you. Now, it can’t be a reality but forever a dream. I never regretted how much you so much for me. Your unconditional love is limitless. I don’t know how you raised me despite me being the naughty boy. You taught me a lot of other life lessons. Standing before you, I just want to say I love you. You will be my hope. Like every son would say, a mother is their first love. Someday, I will spread my wings like you. For now, you will be miss by a lot of people whom you are grateful to. It’s your time to fly to the heavens. Mama, you are forever the Black Swan.

Without realising, I am already crying. I wipe the tears away and looked at Mama for the very last time. I went towards her and gave my very last kiss to her before the coffin is closed. Everything came to an end, as my mother was buried. A flock of swans came flying over our heads as they soared to the skies. Everyone said their goodbyes and left the place. A sudden tap on shoulder and ly to find Headmaster Alice. Judging by her face, I knew that she wanted to talk to me. We head on to another place.

Headmaster Alice: Before your mother went for her operation, she called me and told me everything. How she is working hard to support you in order to go to that school, the dance competition and also your dream to dance on D’Cirque Stage. Your mother, the Black Swan, is my favourite act ever. I am fortunate to have her in my team. That’s why I let her do what she wishes. She is a talented woman but what I observed is that the reason she is the best was because of you. I realised that every performance she did wasn’t for the audience. It was all for you. You are her hope. She loves you, Hoseok.

I came to a conclusion that D’Cirque is my family too. I spent almost all my life with them. My roots belong to them and they made me who I am now. Perhaps this where my path should be. I am the next one who might take Mama’s place.

38842903664310. Alice: However, I want you to explore your own life. I am not saying that you are not welcome to be part of D’Cirque. You already are but I need you to find your own colour. Your strengths and your weaknesses. That’s what your mother has been trying to tell you. That’s why she wants you to attend the school. Even though it is too late now, you can do other means to be a better dancer. You don’t have to be like your mother. Just be yourself. You’re still young. Go out and explore. I heard that Mr Amos might have a place for you to do that. I recommend you to go ahead. Who knows what you might discover? Perhaps you might end of with better people who probably need your strengths. When you feel that you are ready for the world, I welcome you to the stage of D’Cirque! I want my people to seize their life.

JHope: Thank you Headmaster. I will think it through before I make my decision. I probably might follow Mr Amos. I need a break from all these dramas for a while. I want to like a normal person. I never knew what the real world is. I have spent almost my youth in D’Cirque. Perhaps I can finally go to school like a normal person and make new and different kind of friends. At the same time, I will work on my dance. Please invite me if you have some special occasions.

Headmaster Alice: Very well. Since this your decision, I will leave it to you. Your mother will be happy for whatever choices you are making. I will make my move now. I will see you in the future. Au Revoir!

After the headmaster left, I looked across the orange sky. It reminds me of Mama’s hair. Sigh… I truly miss her but at the same time I need to move on. I am not sure if I make the right choice. I can’t keep staying at one place anymore. I must move on. I want to give the best performance when I come back to D’Cirque. I don’t want to let myself down. That’s why I decided to go with Mr Amos request.

I must have relied on Mama too much. She wants me to be independent. To able to take the fall and stand on my own feet. She doesn't want me to just follow her footsteps. She wants me to create my own footsteps and D’Cirque is just a stepping stone.

?: Hey...wake up...Hello…

Someone is poking my cheeks. It’s annoying. I want to sleep more. Urgh...I need 5 more minutes please. The poking still persisted. I opened my eyes slowly. A blurry image was all I see. I rubbed my eyes and a boy was standing in front of me. He looked familiar.

?: Oh you are awake! Gosh! I thought you were dead for a moment. Let me introduce myself. My name is Park Jimin. *eye smile*

JHope: Park Jimin eh? You must be Madam Soomin’s grandson. My mother taught you her dance for the competition.

Jimin: Ah! I know you! You are Jung Hoseok! Your dance is so incredible in the competition! OMG! It is such an honour to meet you! So you are the guy that Mr Amos told me to wait before bringing us to somewhere safer.

JHope: I guess so. Nice to meet you too. Looks like we will be here for a while. Anyway, your dance is also brilliant. You deserve to have my mother’s dance.

Jimin: No. No. No. Please don’t say that. Her dance was the hardest to perform. I almost lost my breath. Hahaha!

JHope: Hahahaha! Can I do something to you? I am annoyed that you are poking me while I am a sleep. I hate it when someone disturbs my sleep.

Jimin: Sorry about that. Please do as you wish. I am willing to face your punishment.

Snow: Wah Hoseok!!!! You look so cool in this performance!

My train of thoughts has been disturbed by the awe of this cute girl. She seems to be satisfied in my performances that was recorded.

Rap Monster: Even I can do the dance… *starts dancing*

Jin: What's that?! I can even do better than you!

The whole room was filled with laughter as the two idiots start dancing. It was embarrassing. This is what my real family is like.

Uncle Amos: By the way, Hoseok, this came with the parcel.

I opened the yellow Sunkist enveloped. It was thick but to my surprised, I recognised this beautiful handwriting. It was Mama's. The first letter was a recipe. Tartiflette. My favourite dish. I tried to make the same taste like hers but failed Now I am able to share it with the rest. Next, I found a notebook. I flipped through them. My heart skipped a beat when I saw the dance sketches that Mama must have done throughout her career. Some of the choreography was yet to performed and it was planned for the upcoming performances. Perhaps she wanted to share her secrets to me.

I smiled to myself. Mama, you always full of surprises. That’s why I love you. Thank you Mama for everything to raise me. You have done your job perfectly. In my eyes, you will always be my hope. We will meet again when the time comes.

Note: HAPPY BIRTHDAY J-HOPE! I purposely decided to finish up J-Hope's story today. Writing this chappter is utterly crazy. I have been so packed with my internship that I hardly had time to update this story. A thousand of apologies to those who have waiting for the updates. But don't fret, my internship is coming to end! Hooray! I have been worried if everyone will go away because it has been a looong time. I miss you peeps soooo much! Anyway, for J-Hope story, I want to focus more mothers and also single parent. The song Mama gave a lot of inspiration and true to Rap Monster's words. The song Mama is kinda sad even though there is happy beat. I heard that at the WINGS Concert, J-Hope performs Mama to his mother, I watched the fancam and it makes me cry a lot. T.T J-Hope plays an important part in this album. He has the honour to perform Intro: Boy Meets Evil, lots of screentime for the comaback, the concert on his birthday. WINGS IS J-Hope for that matter. Kekeke. He is very happy person but also if you think about it, the most happy person could be the saddest person. Nevertheless, I wish everyone to stay strong and fight through. Love your parents as much as possible. Family is number 1.