Notes:

TW Death, and cemeteries in this chapter

Chapter Text

Baekhyun didn’t often visit his dad’s grave. He could remember doing so three times in his life.

The first time was at the funeral, he remembered being the first person to shovel dirt over the dark wood that encased his father. He remembered being too young to shovel the dirt, he remembered his father's face being too young to be in that box.

The second time was when he was 13, on the five year anniversary of his passing. He went with his mother and she cried as they left flowers. He didn’t cry, he never cried over his father's death. He remembered feeling uncomfortable, not wanting to be there, not understanding why his mom insisted he go. They got ice cream afterwards and he just chalked it up to a weird outing.

The last time he had visited his father's grave he was fifteen years old. He was alone, it was right after he had his first kiss and was trying to work through his uality. He ran away from home and remembered sitting on top of the grave, leaning against the tombstone and feeling empty.

Now he was almost 25. He stood a few feet away from the stone that ominously read off the standard facts. “Loving Husband and Father”. Baekhyun fiddled with the flowers he had brought.

“Hey...” his voice sounded weird and distant. The cemetery was too quiet. He cleared his throat and started over, “hey dad...I uh, I brought you flowers.” he took a step forward and set them down. The colorful flowers were a harsh contrast to the stark snow. He brushed some snow off the top of the stone. “I felt weird coming empty handed.” He remained crouched in the snow.

“Uh, its been awhile hasn’t it? How are you? I mean apart from..being dead.” Bakehyun kicked himself, “I’ve been okay. I am going back to school soon for cosmetology. Do you remember when I was little and got into mom’s makeup and tried to put it all on? It took you so long to get the blush off my face...” Baekhyun chuckled, “anyway. I uh, I figured I should...stop by sometime.”

*** *** *** *** *** *** ***

Jongdae wasn’t sure what he was doing when he wound up in front of his brohters tombstone.

“Hey Hyung” He sat down on the snow in front of the stone. “I would have brought Jongsu but I uh, I wanted to talk to you. So much has happened since you...left. Mom’s going to join you soon.” Jongdae sighed, “It’s going to be my fault- or at least my choice, I wish I didn’t have to make this choice alone. Jongsu is doing great by the way, he’s adjusting really well uh, he still cries at night sometimes, and he likes to sleep with me most nights, but he’s a strong kid. I’m proud of him and you would be too.

“You remember Jongsu’s mom? I mean obviously....her mom is in town. She wants to like, help me with Jongsu which is great I guess but like, her son, Oh Sehun, you probably met him at one point, he told me she’s very homophobic and well...” he trailed off, “Hyung do you remember Jongsu’s piano teacher? Byun Baekhyun? Well he has saved my life many times, especially right after your accident, and with all the police interviews and...he’s helped a lot and Jongsu really looks up to him now.”

*** *** *** *** *** *** ***

“- I never wanted kids dad, I never thought I would take good care of one I just, like working with them and teaching them but I never thought I would be able to help one grow up” Baekhyun was sitting leaning on the tombstone so he didn’t have to see his dad’s name, “- but now I have Jongsu and I know I’m not actually related to him at all but I love him like a brother or a nephew or something and I really...I just want him to grow up well. He reminds me of me sometimes. And his uncle....”

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** **** *** ***

“-I’m not saying I don’t want to be with him, I really do, I just...I’m scared that he’s gonna get bored with Jongsu or with me- I can’t go to parties or do like crazy dates and I have to be home at a certain time and I have to take care of Jongsu and I wouldn’t trade that for the world but I don’t know if Baekhyun understands that that’s not gonna change and we will never have a normal relationship-”

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

“I think he’s worried I dunno I’ll like, leave or something because we can’t have a normal relationship which is fine! I understand that and I’m okay with that because I love Jongsu and I love Jongdae and I’ll be with him in any way I can I just wish he could see that.”

*** *** *** *** *** *** ***

“The other thing is I still...there is still an ongoing investigation over your murder and I think that somehow Baekhyun’s ex is involved and that’s just...a mess” Jongdae sighed loudly, “I didn’t bring you flowers.”

*** *** *** *** *** *** ***

“Also do you remember Chanyeol? I think he is involved with Jongdeok’s murder and I don’t want Jongdae to think that I’m going to be affected by anything, I know he’s still in town and I hate it but I don’t want...I care about Jongdae more than I ever cared about Chanyeol.” Baekhyun stood up, “anyway. I have to go to work I just....needed to talk so thanks dad.” the send off felt weird but Baekhyun wasn’t sure what else he should do. He repositioned the flowers and then turned around and headed back for the car.

*** *** *** *** *** ***

“Anyway I’m...I’m gonna go pick up Jongsu and take him to the hospital so he can see his grandma one more time. I’ll probably be back soon - her spot is right next to yours.” Jongdae smiled weakly, “I’ll see you later.” He stood up and blinked back tears.

*** *** *** *** ***

Baekhyun was unlocking Luhan’s car when he saw someone else walking out of the cemetery. He didn’t really pay attention until the person got closer and he recognized him.

“Jongdae?” He said almost involuntarily - thankfully Jongdae was too far away to hear but Baekhyun wasn’t sure if he should call out to him or not. His issue was resolved with Jongdae looked up and recognized him.

“What are you doing here?” Jongdae asked, he sounded hoarse.

“Um, my...my dad is here.” Baekhyun said. He didn’t have to ask why Jongdae was here.

“Oh.”

“Where...do you want a ride? It might start snowing again and I don’t- the busses will probably be running slow.” Baekhyun said. Jongdae looked up at the clear sky and then at the bus stop down the block before looking back at Baekhyun.

“Uh, sure.” he said, “thanks.”

“Where are you going?” Baekhyun asked as they buckled up and Baekhyun started blasting the heater.

“Home. And then the hospital” Jongdae said,

“Do you - do you want me to take you to the hospital?” Baekhyun wasn’t sure where they stood with offering rides or being together for extended periods of time. This is the first time they had been together since the night Jongdae told Baekhyun they couldn’t be together- Baekhyun didn’t know the rules.

“I don’t want to inconvenience you” Jongdae said, “I can borrow Taeyeon’s car.”

“Oh okay.”

“But I have to go back later um, alone, and I wouldn’t mind a ride then” Jongdae said faintly. Baekhyun nodded,

“Yeah just uh, let me know what time.”

The drive to Jongdae’s house was short and quiet, what do you say when you run into your sort of ex at a cemetery? Baekhyun didn’t go inside.

It was almost dark when Baekhyun pulled back into Jongdae’s driveway. He waited outside for Jongdae, not wanting to rush him. He came out alone. He had flowers in his hand and got into the car quietly.

“Baekhyun- “ He finally spoke when they were about halfway there, “will you come in with me?” He sounded so small, like a child asking his mother to come into the dentist office.

“Of course” Baekhyun said, “Is your mom okay?” Jongdae didn’t respond but out of the corner of his eye Baekhyun saw him shake his head and wipe his eye. Bad question.

It wasn’t until they were in the elevator that Baekhyun realized what Jongdae was doing. He was standing rigid, his jaw clenched, he was holding the flowers like they were his last tether to life, his eyes glistened as he stared ahead.

Before Baekhyun could say anything the door opened and Jongdae strode forward. Baekhyun realized it would be better to wait and talk to him after. He simply followed quietly.

“Jongdae.” Junmyeon said, he looked tired. “Are you sure you want to do this?” Junmyeon set down his clipboard and looked at Jongdae intently. Jongdae nodded. Baekhyun stood slightly behind him, “Okay let's go.” Junmyeon led the way down the hall to Jongdae’s mother’s room. He called in one of the interns Baekhyun had seen a couple times before and handed her his clipboard and pen. Jongdae stood at the side of his mother's bed.

“Can you give me a couple minutes?” Jongdae asked Junmyeon quietly. Junmyeon nodded,

“Just come get me when you’re ready.” He said, leaving quietly. Baekhyun wasn’t sure if he should stay or leave, he felt like he was intruding. Jongdae set the flowers next to her bed on the table and grabbed her limp hand. Baekhyun quietly left the room.

After a couple minutes Jongdae came out, his eyes red. He nodded at Junmyeon and reached over and grabbed Baekhyun’s hand, holding it tightly.

They went into the room and stood over her bed.

“You ready?” Junmyeon asked for the third time.

“Yeah.” Jongdae sat down next to her bed, holding one of her hands again. Baekhyun put his hand protectively on Jongdae’s shoulder, “bye mom” He said. Junmyeon pushed a button and the beeping stopped, the oxygen tank slowed down until it was no longer pumping air. The room was quiet. Jongdae shook a little bit and Baekhyun tightened his grip on his shoulder.

“Time of death, 19:04, December 23rd.” Junmyeon said as the intern wrote it down. “I’m so sorry Jongdae.”

Jongdae nodded but didn’t say anything. Junmyeon and the intern left and Baekhyun moved to follow but Jongdae grabbed his sleeve and clutched until his knuckles were white. He stood up but almost fell, leaning heavily on Baekhyun.

“I got you” Baekhyun said, grabbing Jongdae’s arm to stabilize him.

“Baekhyun- thank you” Jongdae said,

“I told you to stop thanking me.” Baekhyun responded. Jongdae just stared at him. There was a cold emptiness in his eyes that sort of scared Baekhyun but he couldn’t place it or figure out why.

“Can we leave” He asked softly.

“Of course”

“Okay.” Jongadae left the room without glancing back. Baekhyun did however, and quietly thanked Jongdae’s mother before leaving and closing the door. Junmyeon came up to Baekhyun.

“We already talked about this before so I know what to do- make sure he gets home okay.” Junmyeon said quietly. Baekhyun nodded. Jongdae was already to the elevator.

The ride to Jongdae’s house was quiet. When they got there Jongdae sat on his sofa and stared into nothing. Baekhyun didn’t want to bother him but he also didn’t want to leave him alone so he went to the kitchen and cleaned up the trash and washes the dishes that had piled up. He went to Jongsu’s room and straightened up, throwing in a load of laundry. He shut the door to Jongdae’s mother’s room which was open. He made Jongdae’s bed. When he ran out of things to do he went back to the living room.

“What time is Jongsu coming back? Do you want me to go pick him up?” Baekhyun asked. Even though he whispered it felt like his words were cutting through the silence. Jongdae looked up at Baekhyun, rather than the cold face he had at the hospital now he looked small and helpless.

“No I... I don’t want you to leave.” Jongdae said softly. Baekhyun studied him for awhile before sitting next to Jongdae on the sofa.

“I won’t” Baekhyun said, pulling Jongdae into him. Jongdae was stiff but soon he was clutching Baekhyun tightly, burying his face in Baekhyun’s hoodie.

“I’m sorry” Jongdae said - Baekhyun wasn’t sure who he was talking to. Baekhyun knew what it was like to lose a parent at a young age but he couldn’t imagine losing his mom now.

They sat like that quietly like that all night, until the sun started beaming through the windows.

“I have to go to work” Baekhyun said - the first words that had been spoken in hours, “you can come if you want.”

“I should talk to Jongsu.” Jongdae said, his voice scratchy. “I miss you.” He said, “i know now isn’t really the time but I...I miss you” Baekhyun tried not to smile as he held Jongdae still,

“Take a shower okay? And try and sleep a little bit and please  let me know if you need anything. “ Baekhyun slowly moved and detached himself from Jongdae and the sofa. Jongdae watched intently as Baekhyun gathered his things and left.

****************************************

Days past before he heard anything from Jongdae, Baekhyun was tempted to call him but he didn’t want to push anything. Also he started night classes at a local cosmetology trade school so he barely even had time to worry about Jongdae.

He did make time, like when the coffee shop was slow, or between students or when he was eating or showering or in class or doing homework or sleeping. He somehow found time to worry about Jongdae.

“Earth to Baekhyun, come in Baekhyun.” Baekhyun started and slapped Luhan’s hand out of his face, Luhan nodded up and Baekhyun followed his stare to see Choi Siwon walking into the cafe.

“. Is it too late to say I’m not here?” Baekhyun asked. Luhan just shrugged.

“Baekhyun hello, good to see you again.” Siwon said cordially. Baekhyun just nodded,

“What can I do for you?”

“Just one coffee please, black, and a moment of your time.”

“I can give you the coffee but I’m working so you will have to wait for a break.”

“I can wait.” Siwon said, glancing at the clock. He did wait, he waited three hours before Baekhyun finally was forced to take a break by Minseok.

“I just have a couple short questions” Siwon said, “how are you doing?”

“Is that one of the questions?”

“No sorry. I guess I can get straight to the point. I have not been able to get ahold of Kim Jongdae in these past couple days and I was wondering if you knew why that was or of an alternative way to reach him?”

“He is...going through some stuff so he probably isn’t taking calls.” Baekhyun said. “Why do you need to talk to him?”

“I have some information regurading his brother’s murder and a couple of questions I’d like to ask him”

“Well now probably isn’t the best time for that. He is mourning.”

“I am aware losing a brother is a very diff-”

“His mother unfortunately didn’t make it either. She died earlier this week. He is probably busy with funeral arrangements” Bakehyun wasn’t sure if he should be telling a cop that, but Siwon could probably find out on his own also it wasn’t like it was a secret.

“I see” Siwon’s expression changed and Baekhyun wasn’t sure he liked the look he had now. “Actually, I had a couple of questions for you if you don’t mind me asking.” Siwon pulled out a little note book with scribbles Baekhyun couldn’t quite make out.

“It depends on the questions.”

“You were at one point close friends with a Park Chanyeol am I right?”

“I do mind those questions.” Baekhyun hoped Luhan couldn’t hear the conversation but he knew his roommate was listening intently from behind the counter.

“I’m sorry I know they are probably, uncomfortable. If you would I just have a couple of quick questions. How long did you know Park Chanyeol?” 
“Like, 12 years or so.” Baekhyun said.

“And what was the nature of your relationship?” Siwon stared intently. Baekhyun sighed,

“We dated for five of those twelve years. The last five.” Baekhyun said. He still hated talking about Chanyeol even though he was over him.

“I see...” Siwon was nonplussed. Maybe he already knew Baekhyun was gay. Usually he got more of a reaction, “And to your knowledge was Park Chanyeol involved in any gangs or any violent groups?”

“What? No!”

“Did he have a history of substance abuse?”

“No”

“Did any of his friends have a history of substance abuse?”

“Not that I am aware of.” Baekhyun looked at the clock, “I’m sorry my break is up I have to go.”

“Just one more question, to your knowledge did Park Chanyeol or anyone he was affiliated with have any connections to the Kim family?”

“No. Just me, I’ve been Jongsu’s piano teacher for about three years now.”

“Alright thank you so much Baekhyun and if you hear from Jongdae give him my condolences.” Siwon said, smiling in a way that made Baekhyun’s skin crawl.

“Will do” He said, leaving the front of the store and going back to work.

Baekhyun rode the bus home because Luhan had something he had to do and it wasn’t that late so he didn’t mind. He managed to find a seat by a window and was considering visiting his mom when his phone rang.

“Hello?”

“Baek? It’s me.” Jongdae’s voice was clear as day and Baekhyun’s mood instantly lifted,

“Hey!” 
“Hey”

“Hey.”

“Hey” Jongdae chuckled, “Um, Jongsu and I were wondering if you were busy tonight? We were going to order pizza and watch a movie or something and um wanted you to join us.” Jongdae sounded nervous.

“Oh let me check.” Baekhyun waited for a second, he didn't have to check, he knew he was free and even if he wasn’t he would drop anything to go be with Jongdae, “I guess I can move some things around.”

“It’s no big deal if you-”

“Dude I'm kidding. I’m 100% free. When should I get there?”

“Um, soon?”

“Okay I’m on my way.” Baekhyun was glad Jongdae had called him before he had switched buses, as it turns out he was almost to Jongdae’s house.

He hadn’t spent time with Jongdae and Jongsu in so long and it was refreshing to be together with them again. Jongsu filled Baekhyun in on everything that had happened that week at school, from him getting a solo in the school recital to Teacher Jonghyun taking him home while Jongdae took care of things. Baekhyun was much more excited about one of those than the other but he didn’t let on.

Even though they were warm and the table was warm and the food was warm, the house was cold. Like there was an invisible line drawn separating the living room and kitchen from the rest of the house. The kitchen was warm and full of laughs as the three of them ate, pretending everything was okay. The rest of the house however was cold. The type of cold you can’t get rid of no matter how many blankets or clothes you wear. The type of cold that you feel from the inside out.

“Hey Jongsu why don’t you get the movie started while Baekhyun hyung and I clean up the kitchen.” Jongdae said, ruffling Jongsu’s hair. Jongsu smiled and ran out. Jongdae smiled at him until he left the room then his eyes settled on Baekhyun. “Can we talk?” He asked seriously. Baekhyun narrowed his eyes and leaned on the counter.

“Sure.” He said,

“I...about the other night.” Jongdae suddenly looked nervous.

“Which one?”

“The..the one in your car.” Baekhyun tried to remain calm as all his memories came back.

“Oh.”

“I um, we never really got- closure.” Jongdae fiddled with the hem of his tee shirt. Baekhyun shoved his hands in his pockets.

“Yeah I mean. I wanted you to have time to figure out what you wanted.”

“I know.” Jongdae said, “I...I think I figured it out.” Baekhyun’s heart leapt into his throat. He didn’t trust himself to speak so he just remained silent. “With everything that’s happened I- I don’t think that being in a serious relationship is necessarily the smartest thing for me-” Baekhyun swallowed hard, trying to will his eyes to stay dry.

“I mean I have another funeral to plan and I have to find somewhere to move with my nephew who I am raising now and there’s still the open murder investigation-”

“It’s okay Jongdae-” Baekhyun started , he wanted Jongdae to stop listing reasons they shouldn’t be together.

“Let me finish.” Jongdae said firmly. He stepped forward, closer to Baekhyun, “I know it’s not necessarily smart.” He repeated quietly, “but smart.” Baekhyun’s eyes shot up to meet Jongdae’s.

“What?”

“I mean, I...I really want to be with you and this past week has been the worst week of my life and I kept finding myself reaching to call you but I didn’t want to until I knew and I knew what I should do but I can’t- I can’t bring myself to let you go.” Jongdae wouldn’t make eye contact with Baekhyun. Baekhyun’s heart felt like it was going to explode. He took his hands out of his pocket and gently cupped Jongdae’s chin, forcing him to look at him, “I need you to know though this won’t be easy and Jongsu has to come first in everything but- if you’re willing to try this than I am too.” Jongdae said, he sounded sure of himself.

Baekhyun wasn’t sure how exactly to respond so instead he pulled Jongdae forward by his chin into a gentle kiss. Jongdae was the one who brought his arms around Baekhyun’s neck, pulling them closer together and deepening the kiss. Baekhyun couldn’t help but smile into it, into feeling Jongdae so close to him, on being able to hold and help him again.

“I think this is worth a shot” Baekhyun said when they pulled away. Jongdae cupped Baekhyun’s face and stared intensely into his eyes, “Are you sure though?” Baekhyun suddenly felt insecure. Jongdae kissed him gently and tenderly.

“Yes. I’m sure.”

Notes:

ahh sorry this is the worst^tm but just so u guys know my plan is to finish this story before like - june lol....

anyway as always thank you for reading and commenting!!!! I wouldn't have done this without you guys tbh.

also i guess i could end it here but you guys probably wanna know who killed Jongdae's brother right? ;) (don't worry there will be more updates)