" then why do you keep appearing in my life ? " i shouted as my blood boiled in my head

that's what i said but i knew it wasn't the truth , that wasn't the question that caused me all this sorrow , rather than this i needed to know , why do i get effected by him still , why my heart flutters for his browny deep eyes , why my stomach ties into a knot whenever i feel him near me and last but not least is that even his fault ?

  " thanks for helping me , but you should have left me outside and called jungshin  " he said with a challenging eyes , i wanted to ignore him outside my villa or call jungshin i really wanted to, but seeing him weak and helpless i wanted to protect him for once , i wanted to give him my strength , although i knew he was a cocky bastard who was more dangerous than any other beggar strolling the streets at night .. but i wanted .. to have him ... i wanted to use his weakness state to keep him closer to me for the last time ..    " next time i'll call the police " i said with a challenging tone , i prayed he wouldn't know .. about my confusion    " that would be better " he said , and i sighed heavily    the door bell rang and we were both frozen looking at each other before we get a panic ! however anyone would look at this , yonghwa being in my apartment was so wrong , rather than my boyfriend changmin whom i'm really serious to make our relationship successful , i was afraid that it would be someone who knows about our past together .. that was more terrifying ..    " are you waiting for someone " yonghwa whispered to me , and his face turned out white    i denied vigorously as i tiptoed in hurry to look at the security monitor , he came too to stand behind me checking who is it .. and it was tiffany !! the idea of a member knowing about our past coming here and seeing yonghwa in my house - not to mention spent the night here- was terrifying , and my body trembled , i felt his warm hand on my shoulder , squeezing it to charge me with his strength assuring ..    i looked into his eyes for a moment before i nod at him ..    i opened the door and it turned out noisy " yaaah seohyun ! what's wrong with you canceling the practice and turning off your phone " she shouted noisily the moment she saw me ..    then her eyes glanced yonghwa who was standing beside me , she froze and widened her eyes in a shock ..    " why are you here ? " she asked with a suffocated tone looking at him intensely and he gulped soundly    " unnie , please i'll tell you everything later , he have to go " i said as i motioned for yonghwa to leave   

he looked at me narrowing his eyes giving me - i want to explain it - glance , while i gave him - just go glance - , anyway tiffany had her own opinion and pushed yonghwa chest toward inside the villa while taking steps inside .. 

  " did i miss the party ? " tiffany said mocking , " let's talk first " she added looking at yonghwa ..    she entered and sat on the couch making herself comfortable while the worries ate me alive , yonghwa sat on the edge of another couch , totally nervous ..    " so ... what did i miss exactly , i hate when i drop out chapters in the middle ! " tiffay said as she took off her shade , and looked at yonghwa , yonghwa crossed his fingers nervously , i didn't have any tiny idea on whether yonghwa will the truth or lie about what happened exactly , either ways it's troubling ..    " last night .... " yonghwa started talking calmly and continued " i was drunk .. so i knocked her door , asking for her help .. "    i pressed my lips tightly against each other so my gasp wouldn't be heard , while tiffany froze for a moment    " wow ! our juyhyun is so kind after all .. isn't she !!  " tiffany said cheerfully , she looked at me and said " give him a hair brush for the god sake look at his hair !!! " she said loudly as she laughed cheerfully   i breathed finally relieved that she didn't make a big deal of this .. i nodded at her   she looked at me seriously saying " juhyun , you should call the choreography trainer , he's waiting for your call .. "    " ok , i will " i replied , " now " she demanded , i looked at her confused , is it really that important to call him now ! it's my fault canceling the training anyway , i excused my self to my bedroom to call the trainer  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ seohyun went to her room to call the trainer as tiffany commanded ..    tiffany went to the edge of her seat , and talked seriously " you're my friend yonghwa , but juhyun is my little sister "    i gulped hardly as i knew that those words were coming anyway , tiffany knows about our dark past , knows what kind of bastard i am and how i scarred her little sister for eternity    " i didn't mean to ... " i tried to say but she interrupted    " don't confuse her again , she nearly lost her life because of you more than once " she said frowning pointing a finger toward me , as i heard her words the cruel truth hit me hard , my hand trembled blaming my self that i almost forgot about what happened in the past for a second ..    tiffany reached for my trembling hand and held it " you're a good man , but seohyun deserves to live happily too !! "    her words were enough requesting me to leave seohyun's apartment and life ..  i walked out of her villa quietly and thought about the past again    ------------------------------------------------ ( flash back # )    " i don't .. want you .. in my life anymore " seohyun said with a weak voice , and she walked to her building that when she collapsed on the ground    i hurried to her and sat on my knees , lifting her in my arms from the ground " juhyun !! juhyun " i shouted shocked , and my heart stopped beating when she didn't respond .. i thought i died that moment but my concern to woke her up made me sober instead ..    my trembling hand slapped her cheek on repeat but she was just soulless in my arms , unresponsive , and deeply closing her eyes , i looked around and thought about carrying her to her dorm quickly , i tried to lift her up but my body was so weak and trembling so i lost strength and ended up again on the floor , the thought that my juhyun was soulless because of me - killed me - , i just wanted to save her , i wanted her to open her eyes again and that's all what i asked for as a last request from god in my whole life ..    i lifted her up again in my arms , carrying her to the elevator .. i knocked their dorm's door and tiffany opened the door for me , she got a shock and panic took over the dorm , with all snsd members gasping from the shock , i took steps directly to her room and laid her on bed .. i kept on calling her name and shaking her with no response , i was dying with fear with every moment passing , i hardly breathed and trembles took over every inch of my body ..    hyoyeon tried to arouse her with perfume scent , but still juhyun was lost in her own world and the thought of her not coming back to my world again was terrifying  ..    my hand trembled as i reached for my phone , calling jungshin " jungshin .. a doctor .. a doctor for juhyunii .. quickly to the dorm " i shouted and jungshin processed the whole situation in his head in a moment ..   i held juhyun hand firmly between both my hands , brushing my lips against them as tears rolled on my cheeks and i kept blaming my self over and over , i swore to my self things to punish my self later .. most of the girls were sobbing .. minutes later i let go of seohyun's hand and went to set in the living room , me being beside seohyun's - if she sensed it - she wouldn't want to wake up , as much as this was hurtful but it was the truth anyway ..    i sat on the couch shaking my leg nervously , eating my nails and waiting for jungshin arrival with our neighbor doctor .. 10 minutes passed and jungshin made his appearance into the apartment with the doctor ..  the doctor took his way to seohyun's room while jungshin took a hurried a steps toward me ..    finally i can say it " i did that to her .. " i said to him once he approached me , i was so scared saying that fact ..    " she's going to be fine " jungshin said assuring holding my trembling hand , i clinched my jaws , so my crying would be silent ..    minutes later the doctor came out " what happened exactly to her ? " he asked clearly    " i told her , sad shocking news " i said and the girls glared at me confused    " well i gave her infusion line , anyway i don't think she's in coma , she's psychologically refusing to wake up today , she's having a fever too of unknown origin most likely psychological too .. anyway we will wait for her to wake up tomorrow maximum , and give her fever a few days to subside , better if she stayed in hospital for those critical days and since a psychiatric could help too in her case "   the doctor said    " i don't .. i don't get it .. is she going to be fine ? " i asked waiting for his every precious word    " we need to give her time , and don't stress her again at least until her full recovery " the doctor said and he left    however i processed the doctor's words , it meant that it was my fault and that she would recover as long as i'm away from her ..    still the girls gave me a curious angry glance waiting for an explanation , i nodded to tiffany - i'll tell you everything - but before that i wanted to see seohyun for the last time today , i went to her room , and took a measured steps toward her bed .. she looked like an angel closing her eyes , while me the devil who caused her all the pain ..    i took her hand between my hands , caressing it gently , i looked at her contently as i knew this is probably the last time i can be that close to her ..    i printed my lips over her forehead and whispered to her " i'm sorry , don't hate me " , i wasn't sure what would happen in the future , whether she'll forgive me or not , wether she'll fall for me again or not but i knew that i loved her truly as i never did before her ..   i left the room and hyoyeon and tiffany were waiting for my explanation in another room , jungshin was there but kept quiet , i told them everything truthfully although i was ashamed but i knew that they have to know the whole truth to help seohyun , jungshin found about me dating shinhye too for the first time , he couldn't get shocked anymore with my actions , anyway i told them that i loved seohyun truly , i told them what she meant to me and how much i hated my self for lying to her , however that didn't change anything ..    i didn't sleep that night nor jungshin , the next day i knew about seohyun regaining her conscious and twitching her eyes , but still she was unaware of her surroundings due to her fever , anyway jungshin visited her but i couldn't , i didn't want to give her a nightmare in her weak state ..    shinhye sent me (( we need to tal