~ seohyun POV ~ 

there's a saying 
' if everything is not alright then it's not the end ' 

but what if reality says : if everything is alright then it's not the end 

because i know how i lived away from him , how i was tortured everyday by my longing for him and how my heart couldn't just let go of him .. i get more scared to wakeup everyday and face the world , to have those tiny usual quarrels between lovers , to push him away and wait for his apologize ... i don't want to try out these because i already know i can't afford living a single day without yonghwa .. 

that's why i end up clinging onto him over and over shamelessly so i could breath again ..

" anyway i got something sweet for you to eat , just stay here , don't move an inch " yonghwa said as he wriggled from the bed to prepare the breakfast 

it was a sweet morning that left me longing for him even when he's next to me 

" i'll prepare with you " i shouted as i caught his arm with my both hands - i'm doing it again - acting clingy

" NO ! " he pointed a finger at me threatening " just stay there !! you can't run away yet " he said seriously 

i stared at him for a moment before i laugh out loud - i'm really overdoing it - 

i nodded at him smiling , and he left the room .. 

i threw my body again on the bed to relax , i glanced his pillow and shifted my head to rest on it , his scent nuzzled my sensation so i hugged his pillow tightly , i felt secure just by the heat traces he left behind , my lips twisted in a shy smile as i closed my eyes .... i was curious what time is it ! it's my rest day indeed but at least I wanted to know wether it's morning or noon .. 

i reached for my silent phone under the book .. it's 11:00 a.m already ! next , my glance fell on a scary number of missed calls !! something wrong for sure .. something happened... 

my finger tips went numb and i couldn't get my self to check out the news immediately , i craved for additional moments to calm myself down , to get myself together and do it in one go .. however , i got suffocated instead and eventually started crying in fear .. what's wrong with me , why am i so scared already ! 

~ later ~ 

i took a bare footed steps on the cold floor sneaking behind yonghwa 

he was already reading the article about me two timing idols , i went and back hugged him " baby " 

he got frightened as he closed the laptop with a jerked move , i slid my hand over his tensed chest sensually and fixed it over his heart " why your heart is beating like crazy " 

" who wouldn't go crazy over your touch " he said and turned his face to catch my lips for a kiss 

" i thought you were talking about a breakfast for me , but it must be my greedy imagination after all " i said with a smile as i tightened my arms around him , he glanced his phone before he smiles back 

" the breakfast is ready , any other greedy requests you have in mind ? " he asked with a smirk 

- don't ever let go of me - 

" mmmmm i want to stay into your arms the whole day ! can you afford it ? " 

" now that's a serious request ! " he said giggling as he stood from the chair and went to the kitchen 

earlier when i broke down reading the headlines and almost fell apart with depression , i just wanted to run into yonghwa's arms to get his assurance and comfort .. but when i thought about it carefully , it was wrong , being broken and getting comfort from yonghwa would have been the worst mistake i've ever made .. 

yonghwa is suffering enough already for what's happening to me , knowing about his personality conflicts and our painful past , i knew he'll start blaming himself again and again , he'll hurt himself a million times harder than how i got broken .. 

and to think about it , thankfully something was good about this scandal ; yonghwa was just a victim so i don't think he'll get much hate from fans , he can resume his career peacfully after this .. 

i smiled at him relieved and he stared at me for a moment

he continued solemnly " but i think i'll have to go to FNC later , something came up " 

he slid the juice toward me , i reached out for the juice wrapping both hands around the glass , and eventually pouring my tension by adding more pressure on the glass , the juice was freezing cold and my palms went numb , i tried to absorb the coldness from the juice and toward my brain so i would end up cold and emotionless , a strong girlfriend for yonghwa's sake

" something came up ? " i acted clueless , barely voicing the words from a suffocated throat

he glanced me with heavy eyes thinking about it , he lost my eye contact as he gave up momentary .. 

i can tell how scared is he just from a glance , it just made me more determined to hide the emotional storm within my heart , just like a drama role totally bared from my personal emotions .. 
 
" sit down first " he said worried and held my hand guiding me to the couch , i sat down and looked at him acting curious 

he came closer and tightened his grip over my hand " it's just a non sense scandal going around , because of my quarrel with changmin , netizens thought that you .... two timed us " he said it with a catious tone but with deadly worried eyes 

i responded calmly " it's okay , that's the truth anyway " 

he frowned angry " juhyun !!! it's not the truth " 

i wish if there was another truth  , a one that i can cling onto for self satisfaction , a truth that could save my soul but there was none other than me using changmin and yonghwa at the same exact moment .. that was the whole truth

however , i wanted to tremble in fear and cry into yonghwa's arms , i wanted to hear from him how i'm a good girl and what kind of angelic heart i have , i was craving for a suffocating hug into his firm arms that will calm and assure my soul , i wanted to breakdown for a moment but i chose to act cold tempted to prove the strong seohyun existence illusion 

" it's okay " i insisted 

he held my gaze firmly saying " no one knows our story except us , no one can judge us unless they know our reasons and pain , they're not angels and so we are ! nothing right about us living with pain and nothing wrong about us looking for happiness !! it's our life and i'll protect you "

his words were nice and assuring , the type of words you'll encounter while reading a novel , a lovely one where the main leads are having hardships but then when those words are said as a magic spill , everything will be alright eventually and you get confident that the happy ending is just few pages away , no thing could ever go wrong as long as those words were said 

however , those words were exactly the words i didn't wish to hear - i'll protect you - means a battle and i knew how we were weaker and broken to handle any further blows 

my hand was trembling as i tucked my hair behind my ear nervously " yonghwa ... " i called for him , and slowly but bravely rose my glance to his eyes 

" i know it's troublesome , but whatever happens later , can you stay beside me and never let go " 

i didn't care how pathetic i sounded , i just wanted to be assured i could have my own happy ending too , that i could really spend my life with the one who i have always loved ..

i wanted to believe in that hope ; all people should have happy endings even those who made horrible mistakes along the way 

yonghwa didn't waste a moment thinking about it , he just went and hugged me tightly 

" i can't be anywhere except beside you " 

his gentle voice and warm chest the very least composure i had within me , but my temptation to assure him that i was fine dried up my tears and trapped my emotions inside my own body cage , i nuzzled my face onto his chest and took a long blink assuring myself .. 

~ everything will be okay in the end ~ 

later yonghwa left to FNC and i was all alone again .. my tears were still engorged somewhere within my heart and didn't fell .. 

i went to the bathroom , and washed my face with running cold water , cold freezing senseless is all what i asked for at that moment .. i glanced myself in the mirror and next , the medicine shelf caught my glance ! 

i traced my trembling hand along the shelf slowly , and recalled the netizens comments - she better kill herself - she should just die - 

i had a smirk on my lips " i already tried once , airheads " 

i took a long breath from my mouth and snatched my anti-anxiety medicine vigorously ! a bottle or two fell from the shelf and hit the ground open .. 

the scene of the pills scattered along the floor reminded me of that night again , i pictured the scene from that suicide night and suddenly what i did that night felt so right ! , felt so regretful it wasn't my end .. 

suddenly the bathroom turned out to be the exact one from that night in the dorm , i glanced the door's direction and the exit wasn't there anymore 

i trembled roughly but tried to assure myself anyway - calm down , it's just my imagination - 

i was starting to get suffocated as my throat shut down and prevented my breathing inflow and the world spun around me .. i hurried to open the bottle to take two pills ! 

the whole bottle pills was poured into my palm accidentally as expected from my rough trembles and i just thought of taking them all into my mouth ! this much at least could help me calm down or better just kill me so i could rest forever .. 

i went with my lips toward the pills in my hand .. 

~ i can't do this to yonghwa again ! ~ 

i threw the pills in the sink and sank to the floor crying hard ! 

-----------------------------------
FNC ~ yonghwa

 i stepped into the CEO office , and we had the heavy discussion going on for almost half an hour , my dongsaengs were just sitting on the couch silently watching me getting angry over and over trying to solve this in the best possible way that will get seohyun out of this mess with a minimal humiliation 

" i already warned you " those were the CEO words 

" i can solve this " i said determined

" i've always thought that you'll end up in a huge mess that i could never help you nor your career out of it .. and just as expected it happened " the CEO continued gritting his teeth solemnly but hell angry 

" luckily , it was you who was being beaten up like a dead meat , so you don't have to apologize for anything , just keep quiet for the time being and receive changmin's apologize " the CEO continued 

" let me handle this ! i'll have a press conference and explain that i'm dating seohyun and ... " 

" PERFECT !! " the CEO shouted angry as he stood up abruptly mocking my plan 

i was taken a back for a moment at his sudden response , i knew that my plan was nearly an idol career suicide but there was no other possible way i could help seohyun's reputation with .. 

" don't worry about CNB..... i mean don't worry about your money , idols are human and can date too ! people should understand this at least !!! " i shouted irritated 

i continued " CNBLUE boys too , i bet they'll never mind ... " 

i glanced my dongsaengs for support , but they were quietly glancing the floor ignoring me ! my heart froze for a moment in disbelief as i felt their coldness 

" guys ... " my voice cracked pathetically as i was clearly hoping for any support 

" hyung .. " jungshin started talking and i almost nodded for whatever he'll say next , at least he talked 

" hyung , i don't think it's a wise move to reveal your relationship with seohyun , that means you're indirectly confirming that she really two timed you , and you really fought with changmin over her "  jungshin said the words gently caressing my sanity so i wouldn't break down right away

i moved my lips wordlessly , my objection couldn't be voiced as my brain was approving his logic , if i admitted dating her then that means i'm admitting that she two timed us

" i think you should just listen to the CEO plan this time and stay quiet , if you really want to help her " jonghyun said cautiously   

why does it have always to be according to the CEO plan !! he's the reason i'm in such a mess right now ! .. 4 years ago it was his fu*king plan too !! why am i always being controlled by him and why is it always seohyun as a victim ! 

" it was me , the one who two timed her and no one ever cared about exposing me back then  , so why should be her the one to suffer this time too !! .. " i said with a trembling tone trying to handle the situation as a man rather than a helpless kid

i clinched my fists for a control and jonghyun just shook his head denying my rage and asking me to calm down , however the CEO didn't care that much about the show i'm putting on .. 

" back to the main point , you have a schedule in japan so you better hurry up to the airport " the CEO announced as he reached for his phone ignoring me

" we don't have ... a schedule there ! " i said as i watched over him getting busy and discarding the discussion 

" now you got one ! " he glared at me for a moment before he talks on the phone  

i stood there for a while glaring at him with hate , until i felt jungshin guiding me out ..

--------------------------------------------------------

two days later ~ seohyun's villa 

yonghwa left for japan immediately after the scandal , i knew he couldn't go against his CEO orders and he didn't have anything within his hands to help me either , so it was alright 

boice and TVXQ fans , SNSD anti-fans too , they all poured their hate and threats in my SNS so i deactivated all my accounts .. 

two days later , i was getting ready for a practice at SM .. 

when i opened my villa's door to get out , i found a medium sized box at my doorstep and a flower piquet on top of it , i stared at them for moments .. 

it couldn't be yonghwa , right ! 

i held the flowers piquet , checking it out .. those flowers white and yellow .. doesn't those symbolize for .. death !!! 

i gasped in disbelief and threw the piquet at the floor in panic ! my body trembled as i got scared at the idea that those anti fans knows my way already ! 

i glanced the spacious quiet corridor and my fears builded up in moments , what if someone is waiting for me outside ! 

i went inside my apartment quickly shutting the door , i called for my manager to get me from my doorstep ..

i wasn't even curious about what's inside that mysterious box so i asked the building security to discard them right away ..

~ at SM ~

i went into the practice room , unnies were doing their own thing when i greeted them 

" good morning , everyone " i said with a bright smile 

they glanced me all at once and greeted me back with a word or two , their glances were between sympathy and ' i knew it' .. 

everyone already warned me , and they retreated back from supporting such a sinking relationship from the very beginning .. however i can prove them all wrong , when i pass this and end up peacefully in love with yonghwa .. 

we started our practice with a heavy atmosphere , and i could tell it was me the reason for such an atmosphere .. 

the trainer announced a break later , i was truly thankful we finally got a break because i can feel my heart pulsating throughout my whole body and cold sweat trickling on my forehead 

" you look pale ! " tiffany said worried as she stared at me 

" eh ! wae ! i'm totally fine though " i said acting clueless 

tiffany frowned thinking about it " myabe it's my imagination " 

i nodded smiling 

" hey maknae !! " hyoyeon unnie shouted at the end of the room , she continued " come eat with us , you look pale " 

i let out a sigh as i couldn't hide anything from unnies , they could read me with just a glance .. i went with heavy steps toward hyoyeon unnie and the rest who were eating side dishes that yoona prepared .. 

sooyoung unnie stuffed a roll in " our yoong is so ready for marriage already " 

yoona giggled " after you , unnie " 

yuri talked " yoona , i'm really sorry , i can't attend your movie premier tomorrow , i have a photoshoot " 

" chinchaa !!! " yoona acted sad wiping virtual tears 

" me too , i'm not coming " sunny announced too and yoona was getting more depressed

" and taeyon is still in china ! so it's just fanny and hyoyeon unnie and .... " yoona was excluding people with excuses until her glance fell on me and she froze .. i didn't throw an excuse yet but i'm having a horrible scandal going on , plus the main lead in yoona's movie is lee jong suk .. so most probably i'll meet .. shinhye .. there

" i'm coming " i announced casually 

" you don't have to .. " yoona murmured 

" wae ? "  i acted clueless 

yoona stared at me for a moment before she gives in " thank you "

i gave her a smile and hurried to take a kimbab roll between my fingers , i opened my mouth widely to eat it but froze halfway !! the smell was too strong irritating my senses .. what kind of strong integrant did yoona actually add for it to be that irritating ! such a smell is so nauseating .. 

i covered my mouth with my hand and rushed to the restroom .. i washed my face with running water 

by now i was aware how weird my body is acting , i was afraid i might need to take those medications again to cope up with stress .. but yonghwa , i bet he'll get deadly worried if he finds out about my psychological relapse .. i can do this without medications 

" seriously , what's wrong with you ? " i heard tiffany unnie's voice ringing in my ears ..

i shut off the running water , and looked at her reflection in the mirror " nothing ! earlier i said it too , i'm okay , why can't you just believe it !! " the irritation tinged my tone and i couldn't hide a frown 

tiffany shouted back " how would you be okay with all what's going on ! no one sane could face this all alone ! " 

i turned around and gave her a stable gaze " and who said i'm sane !? " 

she opened wordlessly in disbelief and i walked past her , going back to the practice room .. i felt sorry for being this harsh on her but i couldn't prove her fears right , i wanted to challenge them all , to challenge the whole world that i can win this battle 

~ hours later ~

i went back from SNSD practice to my home , i was already at my building entrance when i received a te