i came closer to her ear whispering " and why didn't you push me away ? "    i was truly irritated , angry , she didn't do anything wrong but i hated the right things she has done    her, talking to her boyfriend or not was never my thing to react to .. but this time i hated it , i hated her talking to him , her being so sure that i'm not a dangerous man , not a man at all in her eyes ..    her being so honest with him , gave me a hint of how strong their relationship is , her telling him - me too - , i knew she missed him while spending time with me !! i'm angry !! i'm hell angry !!   i looked at her and she was shutting her eyes tightly , trembling in fear !!! while me the stupid heartless namja are asking her why didn't she push me away !!! she's so frightened and weak to  push me away !! i did it again , i caused her pain , i scarred her heart more   " open your eyes please " i told her gently as i got suffocated , she opened her eyes and looked at me , and my heart ached , why do i keep on hurting her , me loving her isn't her fault    " don't get scared ok ?" i told her as i patted her head with a trembling hand ..   i was going back to my seat when she gripped my shirt tightly pulling me toward her lips " i'm not scared " she shouted ..   my heart raced as i looked into her eyes , she gave me a strong willed glance , the distance between our lips were inch away and that didn't help me to forget about just kissing those lips roughly and them hard .. is she ready for this or is she just thinking about proving how strong is she now .. i closed my eyes as i came closer to her lips but what if i do this and mess up her whole life , mess up the happiness she found ...    i opened my eyes and held her wrist gently for her to loosen her tight grip , i went back to my seat as i breathed deeply , i glanced her again and she was still mesmerized by the moment and defenseless , for a moment my delusional mind pictured her reaction as her being so ready to fall in love with me !! i shook my head and sighed    " you are using violence again , aish " i said joking as i buckled my seat belt , she was still quiet and i got worried    " you never get my jokes , hyun~ah " i said as i glanced her again    she covered her eyes with her arm and her lips smiled not sure of joy or disappointment " i'm getting used to them - your jokes - , wake me up when we arrive "    those were her last words that day till we reached her building  --------------------------------------------------   ( #  flashback - SNSD dorm )    i was laying on my bed home alone , my unnies went to SM to get ready for tomorrow event , i asked them to go with them but they joked about how they'll cover up my dance mistakes as usual !  they told me to rest today and do the rehearsals tomorrow and that would be enough .. i hated how was i giving everyone a hard time because of my weakness ..    the door bell rang , who is it ? maybe jungshin as he visits almost daily    i got off from my bed and stood , i was dizzy for a moment and almost lost my balance as my vision was blackened suddenly .. the door bell rang again so i took a quicker steps toward the door ..    " yes who is it ? " i asked weakly through the intercom    " it's me , shinhye " she said and i got a shock , my body shivered as i knew why is she here , my heart raced wondering if i should meet her or not !! i was scared to face her    i opened the door for her , she was standing staring at me with a tired face , i looked at her and waited for her words first , i don't have anything to say to her anyway    " you know why i'm here .. " she said with a challenging eyes , she continued " stay away from my boyfriend "    my heart ached listening to this , i felt so cheap that moment , like seducing a married man to get his money kind of feeling , i have always stuck to the right things to do , i never did the wrong , that's why i have always been respected by whoever i met , no one ever discarded me in such a way , but i can't even defense my self    " why are you quiet ? are you looking down on me , do you think you're better than me ? prettier ? smarter ? does that give you the right to steal my man !! " she shouted irritated    " you know that it was a plan but you never stopped them " i said with a shaky voice , it's not totally my fault    " what can i have done if you were just too stupid , if you think about it yonghwa has never loved you truly , he was never comfortable with you , i really wanted to end this as he was suffering because of you , he hated how you were clingy , forcing him to do this and that , almost everyday he went to beg han CEO to end this , it was your fault that he had to go through this , if you weren't clingy and knew how to differentiate between work and love , between acting and realness , CEO wouldn't have thought of that plan " she said    however i thought about her words , she was right it was really my fault , i was just too stupid to see the truth .. i felt dizzy as my body strength was drained suddenly , i supported my hand on the door to keep standing    " STOP acting weak !!! " shinhye shouted and i got a shock , her tears kept on flowing on her cheeks    she continued with a broken voice " do you think it's hard to act weak too , faint and go to the hospital ? are you acting like this to get everyone attention and sympathy so we could forget about what kind of snaky women are you !! really disgusting !! "    " i.. i'm not "    " i was the victim here , not you !!! " she shouted , " do you have any idea what i did for his sake ! , how much we were happy before you appear in his life , how much was it painful to watch him avoiding me a day after another while it's me who supported him even in that sick plan , that's how much i loved him .. but you existed after all !!! how i wish if you didn't exist ... " she said and kept crying hard ..   that moment i thought about it , if i didn't exist .. no one would have gone through this pain .. but .. it wasn't my fault , i got betrayed , i got hurt and i'm suffering too ..    -------------------------------------------------- (back to present-  MBC stage )    " why is he rehearsing today , i thought the rehearsals would be tomorrow ! " taeyon asked irritated as she watched over the staff preparing the stage for yonghwa's solo rehearsal    " he's rehearsing today , so we could practice our MC script togother , so i wouldn't have to come tomorrow too " i said as i watched the stage preparation , waiting for our turn after him to record our TTS stage since i'm going to MC that day , i was wearing our stage dress which was a mid-thigh length leopard patterned dress    tiffany curved as she glanced taeyon " he's doing her a favor , you have to be thankful for him " tiffany said with a mocking tone directing her words to taeyon    " aha , a favor !!! " taeyon nodded , she added  " so he calls you now ? " she asked me and the blood was drained from my body in a moment , he doesn't call without a reason but we are close these days because of the project    " the project ... " i said stuttering    " the project will end one day ... but what you are doing will scar you forever " taeyon said seriously glaring at me and my body shivered ... i know she's right because she witnessed what i went through , she's worried about me because i did the things they feared the most that time .. but i'm sure that i'm not falling for his trap again , i have my own life now   " yaaaaah , don't scare her , she didn't do anything .. " tiffany hit taeyon lightly and turned the situation into a joke ... i sighed heavily    taeyon took a steps toward me and fixed my hair strands with her hand " maknae , do you know how much you're beautiful ? you're pretty inside and out side "    i nodded at her assuring     she continued " the past .. is something we should move on from .. if we keep on clinging to the past , the future will pass by without us noticing it .. "    sadness sneaked to engulf my heart , my life is a mess    i leaned my back on the wall as i watched yonghwa walking on the stage and sitting down behind the white piano .. he glanced me and held my gaze for a while before he starts pressing haphazard piano keys , and then a sweet soft melody was echoing across the hall , he shut his eyes to feel the song , the melody , the story ...   

~ Can I hold you, who is like a drill? ~ 

~ Just looking over you hurts me ~

~ What do I do with your pain? ~

~ Beautiful world~ I’ll be a light by your side

~ Beautiful world~ Shining a light next to you ~ In your blackened heart

~ Trapped in a maze, quickened footsteps
Walking with shadows as your friends ~ 

~ What to do with your loneliness? ~ 

~ i'll be by your side , i hope you'll not be standing alone ~ * last leaf *

he ended the song and went down standing in some corner away from us , he's avoiding my unnies after all , the stage was ready for TTS next so we went up ...   

my eyes were on him while dancing , his eyes were on me too , i couldn't help but to think about that song he sang earlier , the way he gazed at me when he sang it , his eyes blaming himself even while singing it , even after 4 years of what happened , even when i'm smiling brightly to him ..  my pain that he dedicated his life to erase , to make me happy .. but what about his pain ! who will erase it , who will hold him tightly and give him the strength .. 

  although the song i'm dancing was cheerful but my heart was so gloomy after i heard his song earlier , and suddenly i felt my foot got trapped in a stage hole defect and got twisted , it was painful and i couldn't keep my balance because of my high heels , so i fell on the ground ..   i was shocked that happened so fast   " seohyun~ah are you okay !! " tiffany shouted as she hurried and sat beside me on the floor    " yes i'm totally fine .. " i said as i glanced my ankle , i think it was just sprained , i sighed as i thought how would i continue the second take for the  choreography    " are you hurt anywhere ? " taeyon asked worried as she bent down checking my condition    " no , i'm fine " i said as i supported my hands on the ground to stand up ..    i heard a heavy hurried steps on the woody stage , not just me but my unnies and the staff looked at the sound direction .. it was yonghwa running toward me ! as he made it to me .. he froze for a moment looking at me in a shock   " i'm totally fi... " i was saying waving a hand in the air and smiling but i stopped talking shocked when he lift me from the ground , carrying me princess style ...   " yonghwa , i'm totally okay , please let me down " i told him with a low tone so the staff wouldn't hear it    " call the doctor for her , immediately " he shouted at the staff as he took a hurried steps toward the waiting rooms corridor    " yonghwa please , people are whispering  " i warned him with a low tone again but his worried expression didn't change and he didn't even have an eye contact with me , it's like he's not even hearing my voice anyway ..    he took me to the nearest waiting room in the corridor and entered it .. he put me down on the leather couch and i sat down probably looking at him or more precisely glaring at him ..    he sat down on his knees on the floor , " oppa , i'm fine " i told him    he took off my high heel from my left foot , and my heart raced as he rested my foot on his lap and touched my ankle gently with his fingers " are you okay , is it painful ? " he asked with a suffocated tone    " i already said i'm fine .. ouch " i couldn't help but to be in pain when i tried to pull my foot back from his hand     his hands started to tremble roughly while holding my foot , i looked down at his head crown , his dark hair was shining smoothly shadowing his face completely from my vision ..    " it's just a sprained ankle , yonghwa " i said calmly as i rested my hand loosely over his shoulder to assure him ..    my hand over his shoulder sensed his shocked rough irregular breathing , his body too trembling in fear ! i was angry so angry that he's over- reacting over this , it's okay to get worried over your colleague but he's over doing it , i remembered the horse riding incident too and got more angry    " it's just a SPRAINED ANKLE JUNG YONGHWA , what the hell is wrong with you !!!! " i shouted seriously , frowning in anger , i didn't know i could shout that loudly in my whole life but i wasn't joking i was so angry that moment , i really hate when people get worried over me    " i'm sorry .." he said with a broken voice , he continued " i couldn't help but to remember that night again !! when i hurt you badly .. and i had to carry you ... i was so scared " he said trembling roughly and rested his forehead against my knee , his voice was really broken and i could feel how was he truly scared ..    i extended my trembling hand to his chin , to raise his head so i can take a look at his face , he helplessly followed my guide and looked at me , his eyes were filled with tears !!!    when i saw it , i gasped and my heart fell from my chest , unconsciously i got down on my knees to his level and pulled him into my chest , holding him tightly and caressing his hair .. our skin were trembling against each other ,then he started crying on my chest and his tears burned my skin .. i was shocked and i couldn't process how much he was in pain for all those years ,  how much he was scared all alone ,  how much he suffered while being accused as the murder of my life , if i put my self in his place , it was more easier to be the broken victim rather than the accuser , i got all the support , all the attention while him was left all alone to handle my own and his pain ..    " you must have been lonely " i said to him as i cried too , he nodded while crying between my arms ..    i buried my lips into his hair " it's okay , i'm here now " i told him as i printed a kiss over his crown ..    i should have known better , i should have thought of him too , i tortured him when i acted weak , i killed him when i tried to kill my self , i survived but he died ...    because i loved him once , i should have helped him , or even hurt him badly so he would know i deserved it , but it was wrong to disappear from his life , it was wrong to leave him all alone with that pain , the pain grew deeper within him across the years , his heart was blackened day after day    " i'm sorry yonghwa , i did wrong " i whispered to him as my fingers were lost in his hair caressing and assuring him , the pain from my bent ankle was killing me , but yonghwa's pain was more serious ..    he's not allowed to be in pain anymore , he's not allowed to blame himself either , he's not alone anymore , i'll do whatever i have to do to make him happy again or at least for him to live at peace again ..  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ taeyon pulled the room door slowly and cautiously to close it , the scene of yonghwa and seohyun on their knees hugging each other and crying , is not publicly acceptable after all ..    " she's still in love with him " tiffany said suffocated as she leaned on the wall    " she is " taeyon nodded and sighed , she continued " we should .... " taeyon was suggesting but tiffany interrupted her     " we can't do anything , however you'll try to distance them , they will keep on clinging to each other like a magnet ... until they break each other again "tiffany said as she stared at her nail polish    " she'll mess up her life and end up broken for - god only knows- how many years until she gets a hold of her life again " tiffany continued    " what if she ... tried to suicide again after this " taeyon asked as her body shivered   tiffany surrounded her arm around taeyon " she'll not do that again , she has changed , she's stronger now , but got the same stubborn heart that loves the helpless jung yonghwa , that will never change though "    the doctor approached them ..  taeyon stopped him from going into the room " the maknae is changing right now , all what we can do is to wait "   -------------------------------------------------   ( 5 days later - MBC private event )    " so after the photo-wall ,please make sure to have the cards " the event organizer told me last minute instructions    " ok i'll " i nodded as my stylist noona touched my hair with the spray    " yonghwa-ssi , please never touch your bow tie " the stylist noona warned me so i wouldn't get it imbalanced    " i will not , noona " i sighed as this the 100th time today she tells me that , last time i played with my bow tie so the photowall pictures weren't perfect and she got depressed for a week or so    i saw seohyun coming towa