i sat in the VIP waiting room of the clinic lost in my thoughts , i already finished my consultation a while ago and i was aware by now that i'm pregnant with yonghwa's baby ! 

i was at loss why is this happening to me , and why my life is getting more complicated ! just when i decided to let go of yonghwa forever i found part of him is growing inside me .. 

i couldn't move my glance from my belly , as if i was staring or more accurately glaring at the innocent baby , i wondered why does *she* want to be born in this cruel world and for such a weak mother like me , why is she determined to mess up my life that much ..
 i couldn't give happiness to yonghwa nor to myself so how should i give her happiness and love .. her existence didn't make sense to me nor i wanted to be her mother , i didn't want for her to suffer with me or live that kind of pitiful life i'm drown into .. 

~ i don't want her ~ tears trickled slowly over my cheeks as i got suffocated , i don't want her but i can't kill her , what kind of mother would kill her child , i cried harder as i was all alone at loss of what to do 

however i remembered the doctor's words earlier 
' since you have a psychological history , i recommend you an abortion whenever you end up stressed by your pregnancy , you're still young and have the chance to get pregnant again whenever you're ready ' 

abortion !! i froze at the thought and stopped crying instantly , i had a blank mind as i wore my heavy coat and left the place 

----------------------------------
yonghwa pov ~ at the restaurant 

i poured another glass of alcohol , i held the crystal glass filled with the expensive drink and stared at the light source through it .. i was amazed at how clear and transparent it was , the mere drink was more sincere than me .. 

~ i know it's troublesome , but whatever happens later , can you stay beside me and never let go ~ i remember her pleading words , and how she trusted me to fulfill her least requests , but the reality was more troublesome than what i ever expected .. 

" ohhh ! yonghwa oppa .. i'm your fan i really love you " a fan approached me suddenly 

" can i have your autograph please ! " the fan handed me her phone case and a pen .. 

i stared at her phone for a moment before i respond solemnly " No "

the fan froze stunned at my coldness and i shifted my glance back to my drink uninterested 

" ahahaha , hyung is drunk already " minhyuk laughed it out and gave the fan a charming smile 

" he got no manners when he's drunk " jungshin supported the lie 

the fan took another glance at me before she blabbers " really ! ... ah .. that's so cute " 

the fan apologized for any inconvenience as she made her way back to her table

" you better lock yourself in your room if you're gonna act like a bastard " jonghyun said it coldly using a harsh banmal tone 

i glared at him and he glared back at me

" hyung ! " jungshin interrupted our challenge game , " you should stop drinking , we have an early flight tomorrow morning " 

" flight ! to where ? " i asked clueless 

i wasn't sure if it was the alcohol effect , or because i don't give a damn about what's happening next in my life , i just decided to go with the flow until whatever 

" Beijing ! " minhyuk answered with a soft sigh while jungshin rolled his eyes in disbelief 

i wanted to ask further - why are we going to Beijing exactly ? - but i knew i was taking full advantage of jonghyun self control limits , he was getting ready to alert my mentality with a punch soon .. 

" Beijing .. right ! " i nodded in agreement and moved the plates and bottles away , i rested my head on the table and closed my eyes 

" hyung , have you passed out already ? " jungshin asked tapping my shoulder 

~ i wish i could pass out for real , shinnie ~ 

" i think he already passed out since he drank a lot " minhyuk said 

" i'm thankful he did pass out eventually , my fist was aching to punch him " jonghyun gritted his teeth 

~ i knew it ~   

the breakup was month ago , my dongsaengs were understanding at first but later they became more demanding and didn't allow me to drown into my depression .. they just got enough from my miserable story , it has been years with me going in circles and doing the same mistakes over and over .. but i was fully aware that it was really the end , this time i was the one who decided the end .. 

~ flashback ~ 1 month ago ~ the breakup night  

i returned back to korea secretly to meet seohyun , i couldn't understand what's going on exactly until i reached her building .. i called the elevator when the security guard approached me .. 

" which apartment are you visiting ? " the security asked me since i was wearing a mask and cap 

" i'm a resident here ... " 

it was weird that kind of ironed security 

" oh sir , which apartment ? " he insisted 

" why , did something happen ? " i asked wondering 

" well , a lot of things happened last week in this building , we just installed a new CCTV too because of those anti fans " 

the man kept on talking and didn't say a proper piece of information , i was losing my temper moment after another 

" anti fans ?? " i gritted my teeth controlling my temper 

" well , the poor idol seohyun-ssi received threats at her doorstep and such , last time there was almost a kidnapping incident too ! " he said casually as he went toward his desk to check out the residents names

kidnapping !! i couldn't believe the word and questioned his sources .. no way !!

" when was that , the kidn..apping incident !!? " i asked with a heavy tongue , his story didn't make sense and seohyun wouldn't have hided such an incident ... or not 

" last Tuesday .. so what is your name ? " he asked 

i palmed my mouth in anxiety , seohyun faced such a dangerous situation and i wasn't even there to protect her ! 

that moment i was determined to never leave her alone , i shifted my glance again to the security guard telling him my name in a hurry so i could meet her sooner than later 

" it's jung .... " i froze as i recalled the sequences of events !! .. 

if the incident happened on Tuesday , so that weird voice message on Wednesday night was because of those anti fans !!!!! 

that voice message ... opened my eyes on the truth - that i'm not allowed to be in her life anymore -

~ i fell asleep soundly at the bar and my dongsaengs were thankful i did ~ 

-----------------------------------
back to the present ~ two days later ~ SM practice room ~ seohyun pov 

i sat on the leather couch thinking deeply .. the practice should start a while later so no one was here except me

however i wasn't lonely i had the feeling that someone was looking after me , keeping my company and cares about how i feel .. i glanced my belly again wondering if it's all were delusions inside my head .. 

i twisted my lip in a disappointed smirk talking to my baby " i'm sorry , i really can't bring you to such a life , i don't think i'm strong enough to bear your responsibility too , my life isn't perfect to start with and you'll just make it more complicated , how should i have a new start if you exist ? how should i forget about him , i'll just remember him whenever i look at you for the rest of my life ... why should i do this to myself ? "  

i placed my hand over my abdomen delicately " i'm not even qualified to be a mother , the doctor recommended me to just give up on you .. i'm afraid i might hurt you later .. a mother like me could be scary to you , right ? " 

my tears rolled over my cheeks , they were hot and stinging .. however i thought about it i couldn't find a single logical reason to keep her , i'll have to leave SNSD , i'll have to face the world as a single mother , my family and unnies will be disappointed in me , yonghwa too will surely know about his unwanted daughter that i brought to life against his will and hate me more .. 

" i'm sorry .. forgive me " i crossed my arms around my abdomen and cried hard , in the past i even had the courage to kill myself but killing another soul was the scariest ever .. 

it was 15 minutes later when the girls started coming to the practice one after another , i threw a greeting glance whenever someone came and pretended to read a book in my hand .. 

a metal ladder was placed in the corner of the practicing room , i knew it was for maintenance work so i didn't care much 

" eh what is this leader for ! " yoona asked as it caught her attention and she admired it

" most probably for maintenance works " sunny replied 

" oh so cool ! that calls for a selca " yoona shouted excited as she climbed the ladder 

" yah yah , be careful " taeyeon remarked 

" why did you leave to the practice without me ? " tiffany rushed into the practice room frowning lecturing me , she started living with me after the break up

" you had an extra hour to sleep before the practice so i didn't want to wake you up " i replied as i reached for her hand smiling at her 

she let out a sigh and calmed herself down , she lowered her tone this time " i got worried when i woke up and didn't find you ... next time leave me a note at least " 

i nodded at her smiling and she twisted her lips unconvinced 

" yaaah fanny ! you're suffocating the poor girl with your over protective instincts " sooyoung shouted at tiffany as a joke 

but it was the truth anyway , it was really suffocating living with tiffany under one roof , being watched the whole time i couldn't relax , especially after my pregnancy i was afraid she might find out somehow 

yuri tapped on the ladder " aish ! how should we practice if it's taking all the space " 

the trainer made his way into the practice room that moment 

" we got a plenty of space to practice , no excuses please " he said teasing and yuri giggled 

~ a while later ~ 

" finally !! a break " sunny shouted thankful 

i went with unstable steps toward my bag , i was angry at that baby for making me have such a weak body , i didn't even start practicing probably , yet i'm here all tired and dizzy ! 

i checked out my phone and found a text arrived from the agency so i read it 

(( congratulation seohyun-ssi !! you got the role for next year musical )) 

i couldn't believe what i just read ! so i read it twice thrice and endlessly until i got reminded with my pregnancy !
 i couldn't get the chance to get happy and celebrate the role before i sit up my mind on one thing .. i knew i couldn't have both things in my life , the baby or my career so i just had to give up on one of them .. 

because the doctor recommended it , or because i really wanted to get rid of her ! i knew i wasn't perfect and i didn't wish to prove to her nor to myself otherwise , i knew that i couldn't be a mother at least right now , and for yonghwa's baby too 

so the only decision that made sense to me at the moment was ... 

" watch out !! " yuri shouted 

my glance caught the reflection in the mirror of the falling heavy metal ladder toward my way .. 

PLEASE NO ! 

i shut my eyes and i felt the wind blowing my hair and then heard a really loud thud of the ladder on the ground with a millimeters distance between us ! 

" oh that was close , thanks god ! " my unnies ran toward me checking me out 

i opened my eyes again not believing that WE just made it alive ! i glanced my body state and i was already wrapping my arms around my abdomen in reflex , protecting her with all what i got of strength and will ! i really don't want to lose her

~ i really want her to live ~ 

----------------------------------
next day ~ 

i entered the home and mother rushed welcoming me with a warm hug and that's what i needed exactly  .. 

" juhyun~ah finally you came home "

" omma , i've missed you .. dad too ! where is he ? " i checked out the quiet home with my glance

 mother held my hand as she guided me toward the couch " he went in a business trip "

i felt a little relieved hearing that my father wasn't here , after all my most worrying part was telling him such a shameful news 

father wasn't the type to get angry but he gave me so much trust and love that i couldn't imagine breaking him while holding his warm gaze .. it was those feelings of betraying his trust which scared me the most 

" juhyun~ah , dear .. you look pale " mother caught my attention as she cupped my cheek warmly with her hand 

i gazed at her worried eyes directly

" omma ! actually .. i'm pregnant " i announced with a trembling cautious tone 

mom froze in a shock and pulled her hand back coldly , her brows creased in a confusion , she couldn't believe the fact that her percious daughter was able to do such a thing to her ! but i did a lot of things although she thought i'm just an innocent angel 

" why juhyun ! why ! " 

" i'm sorry " i cried 

the feelings within mom's heart suffocated me and she frowned in disappointment .. 

 " how could you do this to us !!! your father what should i tell him ! " 

" i'm sorry " i pleaded with tears as i held into her hands 

" what about that man , are you going to marry him ? " 

" no .. i'm not going to "

" then ? "

" i'll raise the baby all alone , i can do it " 

" did you lose your mind already !! you want to end your youth as a single mother !!! " 

" i want to keep her more than anything , she's the most important to me right now " 

omma shook her head in disbelief , she shouted determined " he should take responsibility for his baby too ! i'll talk to him " 

" no ! " i tightened my grip over her hand pleading , " we already broke up , we don't have a chance together anymore " 

she stared at me for a moment before she says " you're pregnant now , this is your chance to ... "

" i hate him " i interrupted her with bitter tone 

she froze looking at me , her always twinkling eyes matted in loss that instant , and i felt sorry for her rather than for myself 

" omma .. i already lost the way for my happiness and i've been trying hard to find my way back , to find my reason to live , to give my trust and love for someone who will never break me later ... and i really think i found it .. the only thing which could rescue me out from this mess , it's her " 

omma let out a heavy sigh " such a decision will make your life harder , and unlike relationships .. you can always breakup with a man and start again but you could never abandon your child however hard it gets later , there's no going back " 

i nodded " i know and i'm ready "  

 my mom asked again pleading with her eyes " are you sure ... you can't marry him ? "
 
i understood how painful it was for her to give up on her least rights ; blessing my marriage and witnessing my own happy family , but yonghwa wasn't the one for such a plan so i couldn't help her fulfill her wishes

i shook my head denying 

" what about the baby , how would she live with all people around her judging her and you ! " 

" i'll leave korea , we'll live peacefully somewhere away from here , with no people judging us " i said determined 

----------------------------------
two months later ~ leetuk wedding ~ yonghwa pov 

i walked in the hallway with jonghyun , it was super junior's leetuk wedding
i stopped briefly to glance myself in the hallway's huge mirror checking my outfit , but this time too and whenever i glance my reflection i end up narrowing my eyes and looking down on myself .. what's so good about someone like me ?! 

" oh handsome ! can we go now ! " jonghyun said mocking me as he rested a hand on my shoulder 

i glared at him and he smiled 

" why are you following me around ! " i walked toward the main hall and he followed me 

" formal weddings are really awkward without a company " he said flashing his dimples at me 

" it's awkward even with company " i said as i made steps into the luxurious wedding hall , the place was well prepared with flowers , candles and food , all guests looked classy with expensive outfits and strong captivating perfumes ..  so this how idols' weddings are like .. 

i could have prepared a luxurious wedding for seohyun too ~ 

" hyung ! " jonghyun snapped me out of my deep thoughts again , that's seriously irritating 

" yaaaah ! can you just ... " i was irritated lecturing him when he blurted out

" seohyun is here " 

my eyes froze on him , afraid to catch her glimpse if i glanced elsewhere , afraid i might just rush to her asking for forgiveness .. but i'll never do it even if it was my last day , even if leaving her killed me hundred times a day .. i will not go back to her ..

i took a deep breath filling my chest with the heavy air , i clenched my hands determined " where ? " 

jonghyun frowned worried " 7 o'clock direction " 

i heard my heart throbbing in my ear as i turned around halfway glancing her .. and i saw her indeed .. beautiful as ever .. 

rather than how tensioned i was when i heard that she was here , watching her was so peaceful , she smiled brightly and passed her fingers into her hair in a chic way , her simple dress and flat shoes gave her a younger look .. thankfully she looks fine .. without me 

" hyung , i think it's time to sit down .. the ceremony is going to start soon " jonghyun alarmed me and i nodded 

i took a backward steps with my glance never leaving her , jonghyun guided me blindly toward my seat 

the lights went darker as the ceremony started , i stole glances on her every now and then as her attention was directed on the bride and the groom the whole time 

it was halfway through the ceremony when our eyes met ! i lost my breath as my whole body shut down for an instant , however we shifted our glances away in the next moment .. !! 

perfect ! was that what i asked for by staring at her for the whole night  ! what kind of genius i am !! i got angry at everything , even the seat that i almost threw down to stand up ..

" where are .... " jonghyun raised his glance looking at me as i stood up , i gave him a mixed expression of fear , anger and regret so he cut his words halfway .. 

i rushed into the hallway to breath , why did i even give myself the right to glance her ! 
i clenched my teeth hell angry and my hands into tight fists .. 

i went and grabbed my cigarets' packet from my pocket , i pulled out one between my lips , i reached for my lighter and rolled the tiny metal wheel with my thumb vigorously , whenever i got a spark i spaced out and lost it again .. however i tried i couldn't concentrate on the simple process to burn the damn cigaret .. i lost hope and just recalled what happened 3 months ago , i recalled that voice message again  

~   ~    ~    ~   ~   ~   ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~ 
flash back 3 months ago - on Thursday ( the day of the movie premier - few days before the break up ) 

i woke up with a killing headache and reached for my phone beside the bed , it was already 5:00 p.m !!!! last night i couldn't sleep till dawn until i took sleeping pills just to relax my